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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Peeked and am sorry I did.

92 replies

Kally · 26/08/2009 16:41

I have posted on here before regarding my odd relationship with a lovely guy that I met two and half years ago.
Quick run down: He lives 2 hours train ride away. Has been in and out of jobs trying to make ends meet. Has a young son from previous marriage. Is now working but not in a highly paid job, highly demanding though, must be fair. we get to see each other about twice a month. Sometimes more, sometimes less. We talk everyday, even if it's a quick hello, I love you.. type thing.
I never go to his as he lives in a shared house now due to downsizing and trying to manage on his downward spiraling income. That doesn't bother me at all. I am not a rich person and have a child of my own to support, so sometimes we're both brassic.
I got him a cell phone on contract. He (when he's got it) puts the money in my account. (He has bad credit).
I got the bill to my address and opened it thinking it was a guarantee thing I had cancelled and since it was in my name didn't realise it was his bill.
Yes, I looked. (I know you are all raising eyebrows now) and I admit my heart thumped when I realised I was being nosey but couldn't resist. There are numbers dialled to australia and a the same number over and over again three and four times a day, late at night and talking, texting for hours sometimes. I felt awful but as I had been poking couldn't say anything and 'hid the bill'. Then the next bill came and so on and so forth.
It looks odd because these perpetual numbers are spasmodic. Nothing (except for one particular number, which is constant all month except for when he is with me)???

He's never mentioned australia... not even 'I've got a friend there or whatever...'

Now he says he has to go to scotland for a week and it's out of the blue... everything seems odd. I suddenly felt as if I am one of many lady friends he has, to whom he perhaps vanishes now and then. he came once to me with an overpacked suitcase as if he as going to stay for a week, but left the next day saying he had to get back to his little boy.

I must admit, it seems as if I would be easy meat as far as being diddled is concerned. I'm quite laid back and don't expect people to be liars and deceivers.

We have fallen out before now, about being let down all of a sudden when he has been due to come and cancelled (last week) for a migraine , but if I try to finish things and get stroppy he is distraught and always manages to cool things down. He, in himself, is a very lovely person, humble, gentle, never gets angry and grouchy, appreciative... but it just seems weird and I can't say anything about these bills now, and I feel so sneaky. But never having been to his or seeing 'his lot' has made me super sensitive and itchy to know about what lies behind the man. It's very hard for me to manage and I feel now (after the bills) theres more to him than meets the eye. What shall I do? I might be wrong. How can I know. I can't come clean about the bills...

It's an odd relationship, and until now I have been content with this and taken his word for it that theres not much to him... he has brought his little boy to ours before, so no wifey on the scene or anything. I feel awful about it all and want to just end it, so I am out of the equation and not stressing about it.

OP posts:
Kally · 26/08/2009 17:54

AnyI am monogamous with him. yes, relationship has kind of stood still in a way. Having said that:
He did look for a job in my area, and seriously applied for various vacancies, but with market as it is, nothing came along. He brought me all his certificates and credentials to photocopy..to send off for one job. I even tried to get him a job with the co I work for but they didn't have enough hours to make it worthwhile. He would have made the move to be here. He wouldn't have put that much effort into it 'just to look as if'... but then a friend of his got him his present job and he's safely employed longterm now and in his home town. Oh, and the kind of work he does is with social services so he has to have good character reference for the sensitive type of work he is involved in.
Fab - he's 41

OP posts:
FabBakerGirlIsBack · 26/08/2009 18:06

Old enough to know better.

Mind you I know someone who is 37 and is acting like he is 17.

shootfromthehip · 26/08/2009 18:15

Sorry to jump in at this point but I suppose I have a bit of a different pov- I'm not sure that you are clear about what you want from this relationship. What you have just now seems to suit you- do you actually want any more commitment from him? You obviously care about him but do you really want more (may be off beam here as I have seen the earlier threads)?

Have you made a commitment to each other other than this loose arrangement?

He may or may not be cheating but I don't go with the whole wife and kids theory, he may just be having other friendships or low key relationships but he may also think that that is ok.

If you want to have a serious relationship then I think you should have the information about whether or not he is seeing someone else and then decide if you want to make a go of it or if you feel betrayed. Equally you may feel that the way things are are ok for you in which case maybe you should leave well alone.

I wouldn't want there to be anyone else involved in my relationship but equally, if I was giving someone my trust and my hope then I wouldn't ignore the fact that there may be more to this situation. You obviously care about him and in lots of ways he sounds great but whatever the situation is you need to decide what you want- kind of all or nothing or laid back and neither of you has a real claim on the other.

I think you need to talk to him and not try to sleuth it yourself.

Good luck with your decision either way.

Kally · 26/08/2009 18:15

Don't know for sure if he is behaving like a 17 years old. That's the thing... maybe I am behaving immaturely. But then maybe I am not... Can drive myself nuts with it. Perhaps I should just bite the bullet and ask him. If he freaks out, then well, it's over and done with. I am not afraid of him freaking out.I have never seen him get irrate anyway. If I am wrong then I am totally out of order for having pryed. I think there are certain things you don't do. Prying on phone bills and keeping it secret is one of them and I feel I should have really really come clean about it in the begining and put the demon to rest. But I didn't. Either way. I waited for the next bill with bated breath and HID the bill out of site! But, as you say, the reason for this lies behind the real problem. Yes, this does have to be examined (or re-examined). Thankyou all. x

OP posts:
Kally · 26/08/2009 18:24

shootfromthehip wise words. It has always suited me, this 'committed too one another, yet loose and not seeing a whole lot of one another' type relationship. Maybe I have been selfish in that I have preferred him coming here and got lazy about going to his. At first I did want to, then it got less and less of an issue and I hardly bother about it now. Until times like these when everyone raises an eyebrow at the fact that that is not a 'conventional' type of relationship. What you are saying is 'if that is how you like it, then shut up and enjoy it'. I agree. And until now I did. But for having gawped at his bill and drawing my own conclusions... I am suffering. I don't think anyone else is invloved in this relationship. At least on my part there isn't.

OP posts:
OnlyWantsOneDoesntLikeDM · 26/08/2009 18:25

My mind boggles at this - ask him about it, if he cant give you an honest answer that you can trust - then tell him to sod off... FFS life is too short

jennieflower · 27/08/2009 00:19

If it was me I'd bide my time, when he goes away next week call the number and ask for him...

SolidGoldBrass · 27/08/2009 00:40

Have you actually discussed with him whether or not you expect monogamy from each other? It really isn't something you can just assume without discussing it.
So I agree with talking to him. Mind you, I am a bit boggled that you are paying his mobile bill: why on earth doesn't he just get a pay-as-you-go mobile? I would honestly suggest you stop paying for his farking phone and tell him to get a PAYG sim: you're not his mother and it sounds possible to me that he has cast you in his mind as a 'mother figure' type (or could that be 'mug') who provides him with help and servicing in return for the occasional bunch of petrol station flowers, some soppy declarations of love and the occasional three-minute scuttling from behind.

lazyemma · 27/08/2009 07:20

"My mind boggles at this - ask him about it, if he cant give you an honest answer that you can trust - then tell him to sod off... FFS life is too short"

I know! All of this cloak-and-dagger stuff about ringing the number and getting info under false pretences - I think it's kind of demeaning really. Just ask him.

geordieminx · 27/08/2009 07:40

Inclusive calls and texts dont include international calls.

Lulubee · 27/08/2009 07:50

Why don't you suggest you could get time off next week and go to Scotland with him? See what his response is?

Supercherry · 27/08/2009 07:55

If I trusted someone to tell me the truth I would just ask.

Chochobnob, I actually did the bogus phone call once, and it worked, but I wouldn't fall for it either. It does seem underhand but in my previous relationship, when confronted with rumours of cheating, my ex would blatantly lie so I had no choice but to find out for myself.

I suppose it all comes down to whether you trust him enough to tell you the truth Kally. I wouldn't worry about the peeking at his phone bill, I always check itemised bills, it's just a habit, that is what they are for. It's not a really bad thing to do when you're the bill payer. I should imagine the whole thing is being blown up out of proportion because you don't know anything about his home life, insist that you would love to visit him and ask when you can. Isn't the curiosity drivng you crazy, it would be with me but then I am quite nosy.

MANATEEequineOHARA · 27/08/2009 08:07

Just ask him! You don't have to apologise for opening the bill, or even explain, it was addressed to you!

tatt · 27/08/2009 08:15

Kally

If you are happy with the relationship you have and it is giving you what you want then you could just leave well alone. Wouldn't be my choice but if you go further with this you may lose what you have and it seems you would regret that. You seem to have a self esteem problem because you suggest you haven't much to give. Maybe you need to look into other relationships for yourself.

If you don't want to share him, want more honesty from him or just resent paying bills when it looks like he's talking to another woman then ask him about it or get someone to phone the numbers. There are lots of ways to find out who he talks to - market researchers often have the phone put down straight away but you can "lose" the phone and get one of your friends to call the names saying they've found the phone and want to return it to the owner and their number was in the memory. Or ask for your boyfriend by name and say he gave them that number as a contact. Then you can decide whether to talk to him about it. Or just say you can't afford topay for the phone any more and let him pay for whatever he's doing himself.

SolidGoldBrass · 27/08/2009 10:05

I would also add that it's perfectly OK to have a relationship with someone on a friendly but very casual basis, and for that relationship not to be the priority in your life. I wonder if you are fretting over this never-going-to-his-house business because other people have been suggesting that there's something funny about it, or insisting that all relationships have to progress to 'commitment' or they are wrong - this is bullshit.
I have had on-and-off fuckbuddy situations like this, and they have been fine; no big deal on either side. But putting someone else's bills in my name, er, no thank you.

Kally · 27/08/2009 11:15

Solid I always read your responses and they are always candid and honest, even painful sometimes. You are a bit like the Simon Cowell of Mumsnet...

I suppose it is a bit like a fuckbuddy thing if you wrote down all the aspects of this and the way it balances out. That is the truth. But fuckbuddy's are strictly just that, where as we share a lot of chat and have been out together with my daughter and he's kind to her and remembers b'days and things. It isn't just plain screwing...

To be honest (painfully honest) I have only been back here three years and the last thing I wanted was an indepth relationship that got me all cobwebbed up, I had too much to sort out and get on with after relocating. Having said that, I did/do want someone that I enjoy and can feel safe with, share with, (to a degree). Sexually I need someone I feel attracted toand who is attracted to me ( and safe in that there's no STD's and the like) which this guy has proven to be. (Just went thru indepth check up due to age/pre menopausal etc). I wanted someone who cared, was nice to me and my daughter yet not poking around on me and getting all controlling and jealous and sitting slap bang in the middle of my life. I needed space. He had ticked the boxes in what I could manage.
He is very sweet. Never heard a bad word from him. Never made me raise an eyebrow as to things that didn't tally up.
We never spoke of 'you only for me' or visa versa. But he has said without me asking that he doesn't want another and there is no need for me to doubt him when we are apart. I don't see the point in demanding monogamy. I don't see the point in trying to control. The best things given from anyone are things they 'want to give'. I am not into sitting a fretting about whether he is screrwing around or not. Just from the things he has led me to believe, I assume he isn't.

He had a 'pay as you go' but wanted and asked me if I would do this for him as his credit score is in the gutter. He puts the money in my account. I don't pay for it, it is just in my name. He doesn't go over the monthly contract amount of £28 (not usually anyway). I am not in any jeopardy here.
But... all in all... yes, tickling away at this will not give me peace of mind. I need to have a discussion with him. Hurt or not, obviously something has changed in the dynamics of it and it's causing me stress.

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 27/08/2009 12:44

Kaqlly: fuckbuddies don;'t have to be literally people who you fuck and kick out the next morning. It;s ok to like them and spend some time together doing non-sex things if both of you want to. It's more a matter of the 'relationship' not being a big part of your life and neither party having any intention of moving in together or breeding - and usuallym monogamy is not an issue for either participant.
But I think you are right to have a chat with him: how he reacts will probably help you to decide whether to wave him off with a nice smile or renegotiate the entire deal.
Best of luck.

gagamama · 27/08/2009 12:54

Are you sure it's Australia? Because I can't think of any mobile package in the world for £28 a month where you could be constantly calling and texting Australia and not even go over your inclusive minutes (if international calls are even included in those) or have to pay any more than a couple of pounds! It doesn't add up at all.

geordieminx · 27/08/2009 12:58

See my post of 7:40 - international calls are not included in inclusive minutes

Seabright · 27/08/2009 14:16

Kally - have you/your friend called yet? Also, try googling the number, if it's a business number that might yield a result.

Actually, have you tried googling him (unless his name's John Smith)?

gagamama · 27/08/2009 14:23

I didn't think so. But then surely the bill would be significantly higher than 'a quid or two' over the £28 a month contract if he regularly calls Australia? And even if it's someone in the UK, 300 minutes is only about 10 minutes a day. There's not an awful lot of calling he can do within his contract without it charging extra, especially if you talk to each other every day too.

It's definitely a bit bloody odd. Are you definitely definitely sure the number isn't yours?

Kally · 27/08/2009 17:33

Texts to Australia and a few quick calls that didn't go over the top much and he paid for it. He can text and find how much the bill is and anything over the top (same with my o2).

Anyhow.. I was sleepless last night and fedup today. Kept sighing and thinking the whole affair needs kicking to the curb and basically today, that is what I did, without going into too much detail about it with him. what is the point?

I spoke to him quite calmly and said that I wsn't satisfied with a lot of things but have been kind of burying them and certain things of late have made me want more and so on and so forth. I told him we didnt share properly. It's a one dimensional relationship and that I feel we both need more but cant get our heads round how to do it.

He can't get down to me as he doesn't get paid until end of the month (a few days I know) but then he's off to Scotland and away til 2nd week in Sept ...I need more than that I'm afraid and so... I feel a sense of relief that I have dealt with it.

You can't change a person. You can only respond differently to the way you react to them. That is what I have done. I have taken myself out of the equation and will deal with the pain rather than all this intrigue and anguish. I guess the peeking was the tip of the ice berg really. I can't snoop and get all sneaky, it's not my nature, and if I have gone this far in life without doing that sort of stuff, then I don't see why I should start now. Just leave it alone and start over. That is what I tell myself. Bit blue, but well... if it don't kill ya, only makes you stronger. Well.. thanks anyway x

OP posts:
ohjustgrowup · 27/08/2009 17:45

Wow - well done. This definitely sounds like the right thing to do and you have been extremely brave - while keeping all dignity in tact.

You are quite right that the pain will ease - maybe even faster than you think - and you will be free to move on without the constant worry of what you've been dealing with. You are right that the suspicion would have always been there and for a relationship that wasn't fair and equal it probably wasn't worth it.

I really hope you're not too down about it. It sounds like a good decision to me. Did he take it well?

Good for you.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/08/2009 17:49

Kally

Well done.

I think given time you will heal emotionally but be kind to yourself in the meantime and love your own self for a change.

How did he take to the news?. Was he surprised at all?.

Good luck to you.

Attila

TheCrackFox · 27/08/2009 17:56

Kally, I think you have done the right thing. It can't have been easy but it sounds like this relationship had run its course.