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Original poster

Todays our wedding... huge row.. help

48 replies

TotallyAndUtterlyPaninied · 22/08/2009 09:17

Well it's our wedding blessing and night do.. we got married abroad like pretty much everyone else this summer.

Just had a huge row with DH as he was going to ring his mum and see if she'd have DS for a couple of hours while we get things sorted. I said no. I had to hand in loads of essays yesterday as I had an extension over the summer. I needed to spend time on the work as I hadn't had any time since I have a 1yo. We asked her to have DS for a couple of hours and she said no, as usual, because she was looking after her sister's grandson and then she wanted to go to the pub.

My mum ended up having to look after DS so that I could meet the deadline, so she was then up all night decorating our wedding cake as she is a cake maker/decorator and we are having sponge so she had to leave it until yesterday.

In the row I called DH's mum and alcoholic, he threw insults about my family, I threw insults about his. But mostly his mum because she will always pick her sister's GS and drink over our DS. She's not an alcoholic she is just a generally selfish person.

She is always saying she wants DS for the day and whinges on that she never sees him, but she would never come to our house- we live one street away. If we ever ask if she wants to have him, or if we need a babysitter, she says no.

She took him out last week for a couple of hours. We said when will she be back and she said 'when I feel like that'. She always calls DS 'a little shit' when he's pretty much the best behaved baby ever. But obviously he has needs like other babies, and depends on whoever is looking after him.

It is rare that we ask her to have him but she almost always says no.

So DH and I are barely on speaking terms, and he's upset that I don't like his mum. It's our blessing this afternoon, and we renew our vows and stuff, and then our big party tonight.

How can I make things better? And is it her or me?

OP posts:
HecatesTwopenceworth · 22/08/2009 09:22

It's her. And frankly I am appaulled that your husband doesn't care more that she is calling his son "a little shit".

His loyalty is in the wrong place, imo. It should be with you - backing you up and with his SON - not tolerating someone calling his child a "little shit".

re his mum not having your child, that's different. Unfair as it is that she favours the other child, she's under no obligation to pitch in with childcare and you have to respect her choices - much as they must hurt like hell.

I am more disgusted with your husband tbh, for not having his priorities right!

  • although you were wrong to slag off his mother too!
HecatesTwopenceworth · 22/08/2009 09:22

appalled

justabout · 22/08/2009 09:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

wheniwishuponastar · 22/08/2009 09:28

i don't understand why you didn't let your dh phone his mum to ask her to look after your dc? (it is because you assumed she would say no, or because you just have bad feelings about her generally)

i would say obviously feelings are running high, you need to talk things through but another time, and when you can talk calmly and not accuse his mother of things. maybe you let rip because you wanted to get it all out in the open before you got blessed. maybe you are feeling very frustrated and so forgot for a moment that he would be very hurt at insulting his mother, because you wanted him to know that you really aren't happy with the way things are.

perhaps you could say to him, you are really sorry with the way (note: the way) you argued and said unpleasant things. (it doesn't mean you aren't upset about the way things are).
you can talk calmly about things at some other point and work them through more slowly and respectfully.
the course deadlines are probably adding to your stress.
sounds like there is a lot going on.
she may well have her limitations and issues, but perhaps you can try and talk them through calmly with your dh another time (perhaps in couples therapy?)

Original poster
TotallyAndUtterlyPaninied · 22/08/2009 09:29

I feel awful at the mo waiting for him to come home

She's so mean in every possible way. She wanted to wear a white dress to the wedding and I said no way so she wore the EXACT colour of the bridesmaids and looks like an extra bridesmaid on my pictures

We clash a lot but I shouldn't be whinging to him about it.

Hope he's home soon.

OP posts:
Original poster
TotallyAndUtterlyPaninied · 22/08/2009 09:34

Sorry, cross posted. The reason I didn't want him to phone her is because she's always moaning she doesn't get to have him, but every time we ask she says no for silly reasons mostly the pub, so I don't want to give her the satisfaction of thinking we need her anymore.

OP posts:
wheniwishuponastar · 22/08/2009 09:39

god she sounds awful. men don't always understand stuff like wearing the same colours - he might not get the vindictiveness of it.
sounds like you need some support. i would at least look into getting yourself a counsellor just so you can vent about her and see a way through - without having to vent at your husband which just causes problems. don't see it as a bad thing, just that you need extra support to deal with someone so 'challenging'.

kittywise · 22/08/2009 09:44

bloody hell I wouldn't leave a child with someone that called them 'a little shit' no way on earth

morningpaper · 22/08/2009 09:48

You are stressed because it's a big day

Don't even TRY and deal with this now. When your DH comes home, apologise, say you are stressed, say you want to just have a nice day and worry about the other things when today is all over.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 22/08/2009 10:03

everyone argues on their wedding day. I argued with mine about vodka and socks. Obviously your MIL is a bit more of an issue than socks but you are probably exploding over it today because you are both a bit anxious and stressed. Throwing parties is not actually much fun

As justabout says, make it up today, put it aside and deal with it later. Apologise for what you said if you have to and enjoy the day, and approcah the issue when you are both calm and have time.
YANBU about her by the way, she sounds a pain.

diddl · 22/08/2009 15:45

Well, if my MIL called my son "a liitle sh!t", she´d be lucky to ever see him again.
Perhaps if your hubby knew what she calls him, he wouldn´t have been thinking of phoning her to babysit.

MamazontheDailyMailtakingadump · 22/08/2009 15:56

ok. Im going to sound awful and will undoubtedly get flamed but im sorry but i think YABU.

you organised the date for your wedding. why leave everything till such a late date knowing that you have essays and uni work to complete.
its not MIL's fault that you are overstretched.

Also you have gotten upset that MIl wont babysit for you because she is already busy doing something else. it doesn't matter what else she is doing, whether it be going to the pub or watching paint dry thats none of your business.
Yes i can understand it must be frustrating if she is seemingly favouring someone elses child over your own but honestly, why do people assume that grandparents should drop everything for their PFB.

You are out of order for insulting his family and its no bloody wonder he threw some back at you and yours.

grow up and realise that the Dc's are YOur responsibility and if your feeling a bit rushed then thats your own fault for taking on too much to close together

MamazontheDailyMailtakingadump · 22/08/2009 15:57

and i am in no way condoning MIL's behaviour BTW.

diddl · 22/08/2009 16:04

I agree with you MamazontheDailyMailtaking.
TBH,TotallyAndUtterlyPaninied, if your MIL doesn´t like your son, I really don´t understand why you would even consider asking her to look after him.

TheCrackFox · 22/08/2009 16:05

Actually, I was thinking the same Mamazon. Your MIL doesn't have to drop everything to babysit. It isn't her fault either that you have left everything to the last minute.

It is not a nice thing to call someone an alcoholic either. No wonder your DH started mouthing off about your relatives.

Your MIL doesn't sound that nice but that's life.

MmeLindt · 22/08/2009 16:15

I think that you are both being unreasonable and should take a step back and remember the important things in life.

  1. It is your wedding day. Enjoy it
  1. Your have a fab mum who helps you out as often as she can and makes your wedding cake
  1. You love your DH and your son
  1. Your DH loves his mum, even though she can be a right witch
  1. Your son is going to learn that even if he does not agree with his mum, you are his mum and he will be as loyal to you as your DH is to your MIL. Only you will deserve it

Phone or text your DH and tell him that you love him and that everything else is just not important today.

Don't get stressed about the colour of your MILs dress or anything she says. It is your day, you and your DHs. Enjoy it.

sunfleurs · 22/08/2009 16:19

Sorry but my understanding of this was that the row was about OP NOT wanting her dp to phone his Mum because of how his Mum feels about OP's ds.

They had a row fgs, tempers running high on a stressful day and all that, Uni work needing to be handed in, crap MIL.

Think some allowances can definitely be made here.

MamazontheDailyMailtakingadump · 22/08/2009 16:21

i thought the "i said no" was a typo and she meant "mil said no" otherwise the following sentances about needing a babysitter don't seem to make much sense

RumourOfAHurricane · 22/08/2009 16:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

sunfleurs · 22/08/2009 16:29

Think OP asked her yesterday and she said No then because she was going to pub etc. Can't imagine MIL would be going to pub on her ds's wedding day or maybe she would ? OP then says that her own mother ended up having to look after OP's ds yesterday. So OP didn't want to ask MIL again today. Quite frankly I wouldn't want to either and I don't blame OP for going off on one.

flier · 22/08/2009 16:30

Hope it all worked out ok and you enjoyed your day, OP

FabBakerGirlIsBack · 22/08/2009 16:45

When people throw out comments that grandparents do not owe baby sitting duties I think they are being a bit obtuse. Just about every one expects to have a grand parent to baby sit and expects to have a grand child to look after.

  1. Your MIL calls your child a little shit. That is just out of order a million per cent and needs addressing.
  1. She clearly has her favourites and there isn't anything you can do about that.
  1. When your DH comes back, give him a hug, say your sorry and enjoy your day.
diddl · 22/08/2009 17:03

Good grief!
I never expected my parents to babysit my children.

TheCrackFox · 22/08/2009 17:05

I would love to have grandparents on hand to babysit but my Mum and Dad live 3 hours away and the in-laws live 1000 miles away.

The MIL doesn't sound very nice so I wouldn't want her near my DCs too much anyway.

sunfleurs · 22/08/2009 17:17

I hope we can assume that as OP has not been back she has managed to contact her dh and is currently enjoying her wedding day.

Good for you diddl.

I agree with FabBakerGirl in so much as it is quite hurtful if your parents or inlaws don't want to help you out with your kids, you sort of expect that they would want to rather than expect them to provide babysitting services for your convenience.