Todays our wedding... huge row.. help

[TotallyAndUtterlyPaninied]

Well it's our wedding blessing and night do.. we got married abroad like pretty much everyone else this summer.

Just had a huge row with DH as he was going to ring his mum and see if she'd have DS for a couple of hours while we get things sorted. I said no. I had to hand in loads of essays yesterday as I had an extension over the summer. I needed to spend time on the work as I hadn't had any time since I have a 1yo. We asked her to have DS for a couple of hours and she said no, as usual, because she was looking after her sister's grandson and then she wanted to go to the pub.

My mum ended up having to look after DS so that I could meet the deadline, so she was then up all night decorating our wedding cake as she is a cake maker/decorator and we are having sponge so she had to leave it until yesterday.

In the row I called DH's mum and alcoholic, he threw insults about my family, I threw insults about his. But mostly his mum because she will always pick her sister's GS and drink over our DS. She's not an alcoholic she is just a generally selfish person.

She is always saying she wants DS for the day and whinges on that she never sees him, but she would never come to our house- we live one street away. If we ever ask if she wants to have him, or if we need a babysitter, she says no.

She took him out last week for a couple of hours. We said when will she be back and she said 'when I feel like that'. She always calls DS 'a little shit' when he's pretty much the best behaved baby ever. But obviously he has needs like other babies, and depends on whoever is looking after him.

It is rare that we ask her to have him but she almost always says no.

So DH and I are barely on speaking terms, and he's upset that I don't like his mum. It's our blessing this afternoon, and we renew our vows and stuff, and then our big party tonight.

How can I make things better? And is it her or me?

[FabBakerGirlIsBack]

I have no parents and my inlaws are busy but have the kids when they can, but I would expect in a normal family that GPs would wanst to spend time with their GCs and the adult children could rely on their parents to help out.

What do I know? I have no family.

[diddl]

So Sunfleurs
you expect your parents to look after your children?

[sunfleurs]

I expect them to want to. To love my children and want to spend time with them, yes. If they didn't I would be hurt but I don't demand it.

[FabBakerGirlIsBack]

It isn't about expecting, isn't it what families are all about?

[MmeLindt]

I don't expect my parents or the pils to babysit but I do expect them to want to spend time with my dc. With or without me there.

I am lucky that both sets of parents are happy to take the dc when we would like them to and I absolutely appreciate it.

[MamazontheDailyMailtakingadump]

thats the thing though. its one thing to want and indeed hope that your parents are as pleased to be around your children as you are. its NU to expect that they want to spend time with them, but IMHO it is unreasonable to assume that you can use them as a free babysittingt service when you have something else you'd rather do.

i know this all sounds very harsh and life isn't quoite as balck and white as all that. of course anyone would get upset if they felt their child was being treated unfairly by someone that claimed to love and adore them. but it's abit much to get huffy simply because she has said no she is busy doing something else.

thats not saying no i don't want to see your child because i don't love him. its saying no im not available to be your sitter.
entirel;y different

[skidoodle]

Families are not all about using your parents as free babysitting, no.

[toomanystuffedbears]

I had a different thought about this, so it may be my turn to get flamed.

General recap:
The dh wanted to call his mom to babysit.
OP said "no" do not call mil to babysit.
So dh did not call his mom and got upset.

Well, dh is an adult and father and he was trying to arrange childcare. Does he need OP's permission to do this? That may be a seed to the source of irritation.

Let his mom say 'no' to him, then, what's the issue with that? If mil should say yes, then it is time to discuss calmly, with examples, why mil doesn't make the best childminder and OP's preferences to limit mil's contact. Set your own boundaries, but dh has to be in the know, because it is his mom.

I do not know whether or not dh knows OP's perspective on "little shit" ( from here as well)...did she discuss this with him at a previous time, or did she just give the "no" order, expecting him to be a complete puppet and/or read her mind (ie treating him like a child)?

Imho, this is about the dynamic between OP and dh. OP sounds controlling and disrespectful to her dh. Also respectful and mature communication skills need to be used-yes even with-especially with- dh and (possibly )family members.

[sunfleurs]

OP's MIL called her child a "little shit". I would not want my MIL looking after my child either if she referred to him in that way so I don't think the op is being controlling at all.

[toomanystuffedbears]

How can you make it better?
Apologize to dh and respect his perspective.

Is it her or you? This is another dynamic thing going on here. She is being a total mean witch-perhaps entertaining herself at your expense (possibly the source for "little shit"-she knows it'll make you angry). With all the crap she is doing:
Her Her Her Her

However!!
(and I'm going to put this in caps because it is important)
YOU
CONTROL
HOW
YOU
RESPOND

Do not be baited by her. Just don't react-she'll eventually use someone else. I mean, do you really care what this woman thinks? Umm, h&ll no-so leave it.

But your pfb will be with her!! [angst emoticon] You should consider a blanket policy that all contact with mil goes through dh-it is his family-he's dealing with it. If he won't (why should you?) then that's what his family gets; end of.

Btw, congratulations on your marriage and I hope you had a happy day.

[FabBakerGirlIsBack]

I meant about spending time but I guess I put baby sitting as m MIL tends to have the kids and I don't stay

[diddl]

I´m also not sure what the argument was about, reading back.
Because dh phoned his mum?
Because MIL said no?
Also, why didn´t hubby have the son whilst the OP was working on papers & her mother decorating the cake?

[KeithTalent]

I wouldn't ever leave my children with someone who called them "a little shit".

[twoclimbingboys]

I hope it all went ok.

I would never ask or let her have him again. Callig a baby a 'little shit' is horrendous.

[skymoo]

slightly off topic, but what does OP mean?

[cathcat]

Skymoo, it is Original Poster/posting.

OP - I really hope you had a good day and patched things up with your DH.

As others have said I would not leave my child with someone who called him that .

[2rebecca]

No-one has ever called either of my kids a little shit. If a relative did so I would be upset and angry, tell them so and my kids wouldn't stay with them again unless they had apologised and I was certain they did like my kid really and it was just a heat of the moment comment.
Your kids are your responsibility though and I don't think any relative should be expected to provide free babysitting at the drop of a hat.
This wasn't actually your wedding day, it was a day you both had chosen in advance to have a bit of a party. If you had essys etc then either you planned badly in leaving them til the last moment or if you knew you had essays you could have chosen a different date for your party. Sounds like you regret deciding to have the party and to be honest if I got married abroad I don't think I'd want the hassle of then organising something else on my return. 1 wedding celebration is enough for me.
I would never tell anyone what to wear/ not to wear at my wedding. It's normal for mother of bride/ MIL to co-ordinate with bridesmaids if they wish isn't it?
You do come across as expecting everyone to fit in with your rather chaotic sounding lifestyle.
As you don't like your MIL it's not surprising she doesn't want to look after your son. I'm surprised you ask her to.
You need to apologise to your husband for being rude to his mum and accept that his mum has her own life that doesn't have babysitting for you as a high priority. Just because she looks after 1 grandchild it doesn't follow she will look after all as she may already have committments re her first grandchild and looking after lots of sprogs is tiring. It's not selfish for her to choose to have a social life rather than be a permanent free babysitter. Although I think you should apologise to your husband I do think you should discuss his mum's treatment of your son. If she "always" calls him a little shit I presume your husband has heard. He should be getting his mum to apologise for this.

[piscesmoon]

Someone would only call my DS 'a little shit' once-it is totally unacceptable.
I would sort out things with DH and not let it spoil the day, but sort things out later.

[TotallyAndUtterlyPaninied]

Errm I didn't put this in AIBU and that was for a reason. And I don't care if I'm being unreasonable. Hense me putting this in relationships.

Had a great night to whoever asked, thanks.

[TotallyAndUtterlyPaninied]

diddl- DH was working while I was trying to do my essays. We both work a lot.

Thanks to everyone who responded in a none 'AIBU' style. We are sorted out now. Had a fantastic day/night yesterday,and talked it through today.

[kittywise]

Thats great that you sorted it out.

It's always a pity though ,when people come on threads looking to pick holes with the OP.
I think they can't help themselves

[flier]

Glad you had a lovely time.