I feel as though i'm losing the plot with this groundhog day scenario

[mamakim]

Well, where to start.. Been married 4 years, 2dc (2yrs & 3months) first 3 years all as rosey as can be. We're the perfect couple/family ect. Then from the beginning of this year it all changed..

He was promoted, i was pregnant, he's always stressed, always at work etc. We start rowing and when we do it's as though he has completely changed, doesn't care how upset i am, work's too stressful to deal with "this". He leaves me during an arguement for 2 nights (something he'd never do) leaving me sobbing on the doorstep 8 months pregnant. Where he used to tell me he needed and adored me, he suddenly was shouting at me. I felt paranoid, insecure and depressed.

Things like his little love notes, thoughtful valentine's etc all disappear.
Anyway, i suffered antenatal depression and hated this pregnancy, but then my beautiful dd was born. Since then we seem to be perfectly happy all week then have a hysterical weekly meltdown row. I don't get him at all anymore.

For example, the last few;

I ask to borrow his mobile, can't find mine, house phone is flat. He takes it out of his pocket (it is always on his person, on silent) messes with it for a minute then hands it to me. He seems incredibly nervous about me having it. Anyway i make my call and then look at some pics he had taken in hospital of dd.

He's says "i'm going to bed can i have my phone?" i said "i'll bring it up in a min" he says "i want my phone" this decends into a row with me asking him why so twitchy and him saying if you don't give it me now i'm LEAVING you in the morning! eh? that's not normal behaviour in my books.
I then say no i'm not giving it you because that's bizarre, there must be something you don't want me to see! Anyway i look through his blackberry and they're nothing suss. Next morning he's full of apologises. He always is.

A few days later, on a sunday i've had a mega stressful day with regards to dd's breastfeeding, plus i'd been up all night. I'm feeling upset and emotional. We go to bed and i'm expecting a cuddle and some kind words and he lays into me saying i've been snappy all afternoon and he's sick of it, i don't want this anymore! I'm like what?! I'm crying, 2 minutes later he's asleep, i'm up all night with baby. Next morning he texts "i'm so sorry"..

Similar bizarre rows once or twice a week continue until i say i can't carry on like this, i'm stressed enough with 2 very small children to take care of without this insanity. I suggest relationship councelling. He says we don't need it because it's all his fault, he feels jealous and he knows he's acting like a third child when i need support.

He would never have been so hurtful, never said he didn't want to be with me before children, he'd have known i'd have just left him. Now it's as though he thinks she's at home, 2 kids, she's not leaving i can speak to her however i want.

So, tonight, i'm coming up with suggestions to ease some of the problems we're (well i'm - he's barely here) having with ds. He poo poos them all saying they won't work. I (being severely sleep deprived) suggest he came up with some ideas then as it was always me doing it. He says, i'm sick of this, you jumping down my throat, i'm leaving you.

I said fine just do it then, he says "you sort it out (meaning the divorce i assume!), i'll just do my own thing" what?? so he can't even be bothered leaving me?

He then goes on about the previous rows he'd said were his fault and says they were my fault "you should have given me my phone then" etc.

I'm left sat here now wondering what the hell has just gone on?? I'm not going mad am i? this isn't normal behavior? Tomorrow he'll probably be all apologises again but i can't live like this. Anyone know what this is really about?

Thanks for reading if you've got this far.

God, he soundslike an utter prick.
What unforgivable behaviour.
Did you ask him to stay home?

Is his job causing him more stress than you realise? This would certainly explain (but not excuse) a lot of his behaviour.

My dp was promoted last year and ever since then I need to endure a good half hour rant when he comes in from work and we'll chat about it intermitently throughout the evening about work issues.

Im in the same line of work (he's much more senior and im the bottom rung due to career change), but I can advise on certain things and give it from the 'workers' point of view. I think this gives him a huge level of support, that if he didn't have he would be massively stressed.

Perhaps if you started asking him about how work was and get him to chat about it, he may get less stressed about it. He'll be able to slag off colleagues etc in a way he wouldn't be able to with anyone else.

Sorry if im way off the mark, but work stress was the first thing I thought of, not an affair (could mobile be glued to him due to work).

I know you need support as well, but maybe once he's more relaxed he'll be able to give you more support.

Just text me to say "i'm staying out tonight, i can't row anymore, i want to be with you but this isn't working"

What do i do?

Change the locks.
So, fine for him to leave you alone with the children regardless of how you feel.
Jesus!!

I'm so sorry.

What you are going to have to do is be a very strong woman. You are entering into a very stormy period where the outcome is uncertain. The best thing for you to do is make you and your children the priority. If your H is acting irrationally, freaking out and running away, that is HIS deal, HIS problem. Do not let him make his unhappiness be your fault. You may not be perfect, but his actions are not your fault. Mature, and emotionally healthy men do not bail on their wife and kids like that.

I know it may seem extreme to you right now but you should start thinking in terms of how you can take care of yourself and your children on your own...even if it doesn't happen. My point is that it is very important for you to take control of your situation and your life, for you, on your terms. It will only help, I promise.

There is not much you can do about him at the moment I'm afraid. You'll just have to wait for things to play out. I hope everything works out the way you want/need.

diddl are you the OP's partner? Your posts are mightily unsympathetic imvho.

My ex H was very similar to this and we never recovered, I can't tell you the times I sobbed till I felt sick because he would not come home and used the fact we had rowed to justify it. He cared nothing about leaving me with the dc when I or they were ill.

I think it sounds like something is going on as well. Sadly a lot of men start behaving like this when their children are born, is as though something clicks in their brain and they know you can't move on as easily as you could have before and will put up with a lot more than you did. My advice is cut it off now one way or another because it only gets worse. I wish I had ended my situation a lot sooner than I did.

I would tell him to stay away until he can sort out how he actually feels (e.g are the arguments his fault as he first said or yours as he subsequently said), and until he can make more of a contribution to the family and your relationship.

Whilst he is away I would make a list of things you want to change, and encourage him to do the same.

Sounds like he needs a hefty dose of empathy (aka a kick up the backside) to me.

You are both knackered and up to your eyeballs in stress. It's a crap time for both of you. He is doing a stressful, scary job and if he fails you will all go under, and there is the worst recession on you will ever have experienced so he's probably terrified, as well as horrified at what his home life has turned in to - seeing you struggling is probably just adding to his fear. He is desperate for help and support.

Meantime you are drowning in the sheer relentless awfulness of having two small sick needy children, also desperate for help and support. I remember it well, you have all my sympathy.

Sadly, instead of each of you acknowledging that you are BOTH struggling and pulling together, you are both putting more pressure on each other and making each other's lives more difficult.

If you are still together enough to be able to acknowledge this, and to vow to do more to support each other through this difficult phase, you may have a chance. If you both carry on making more demands of each other without giving back then you are stuffed.

This will take both of you to make it work, and I can't see that happening without counselling.

It does sound to me like your reasons for using his phone are a bit, erm, contrived. As someone has said he could have just called your phone - that's what I would have asked my DH to do.

However - his reactions and behaviour are just awful. Threatening to leave you!!! What an arse. Have also just read that he says he is staying out tonight. I think you need to knock that one right on the head. You need to ring him, speak to him clearly and tell him that you want to know exactly where he will be as your son is ill and you may need to contact him. Don't get into a row or but just insist that he tell you where he will be and that he be contactable.

Then I think you need to be more firm with him and actually stop him in the middle of any attmepts to blame you and tell him that unless he is really sorry about his behaviour you just don't want to hear it anymore. Take some control of the situation and, without leting him get you into an endless cycle of blame, tell it to him straight... 'you always say sorry but nothing ever changes. You said to me you know you are acting like a child but you have done nothing to make it better. I want us to go to counselling and I have booked us an appointment (book one now) - if you really are sorry and you really do want to make this work then you will want to come with me it's your choice and I will not back down on this. If you want our family unit to survive then YOU need to put some hard work in to it. If you are not prepared to do this then I want you to leave the house and leave me alone until you are prepared. I will leave a suitcase with enough clothes for 2 weeks in the halway/garden/garage which you are welcome to pick up but I do not want you living in this house while you continue to act this way towards me and your children.'

then call someone , a friend a relative anyone who might be able to come over and be with you - or is there someone you can go to.

Don't just sit there and a) accept it or b) call him continuously to find out where he is.

He has stated that he is going to stay out tonight, call his bluff and start laying down some rules yourself.

Oh what a horrible situation to be in. I'm not sure if he is having an affair although the signs could point to that.

Could he be causing arguments in the hope that you will kick him out? He gets you into these arguments and then the next morning, feels guilty and says he is sorry.

Him leaving you holding the baby and stewing is not the answer and really is immature and completely irresponsible. He is a father, just as you are a mother. You can't just get up and walk away so why is it ok for him? To be honest he needs his arse kicked into touch.

I'd be tempted to tell him to have a nice night and not to bother with the "I'm sorry" when the guilt kicks in. And, if this is how he feels, then perhaps he needs to spare a minute to think about how you feel. I dunno, either find out exactly what he up to, or find some way of breaking the cycle, letting him know that his little games don't work and that you could actually care less. I just can't work out if he wants your attention, to keep you on tenterhooks, or if he wants you to kick him out? Either way I think you have to lay down the law and let him know that this behaviour will not be tolerated as of today, this minute, now.

Best wishes OP, I really hope this works out for you.

mamakin, it might feel to you like he can just swan off and start again and you can't, but that isn't necessarily true. If he is an arse, he won't be able to start over, period! Yes, he can date, but the honeymoon period will end and I'd like to see the woman who'd put up with this sort of behaviour for the rest of her life. As for you, the children won't be babies forever, they will grow up and become more independent. And you will be able to go out and meet people. And tbh, if a man wouldn't want to date me because I had children then he is not the man I want in my life anyway. There are decent men out there, believe me!

Don't beat yourself up because you think you're in a worse situation than him because you aren't. Don't put the relationship in the bin straight away, but please don't take any demeaning behaviour from him, for your sake and your children's!

sunfleurs
of course I´m not the OP´s partner!
I´m confused about the phone thing, and why the OP having used the phone,then flicked through it.
And I can´t make out who´s ill.
If there´s an ill child, why should the OP´s partner have time off to help?
That just sounds too needy.
If the OP is also ill, that´s different.
I would expect my hubby to have time off to look after the children if I was too ill to cope.

My parents have a wireless landline phone that needs to be charged to be used. Why wouldn't she flick through the phone to look at pictures of her dd? Maybe she has some subconscious suspicions, which sound fully justified imo.

She is b/f a newborn and looking after a sick toddler, I don't see why a little help couldn't be expected under these circumstances and as she says in one of her other posts he has never taken time off to help her out even when she was ill herself. The overall picture to me is of a selfish tw*nt of a H who probably had these tendancies pre dc but it wasn't so noticeable because she had the time and inclination to pander to his every whim.

As unpleasant as it is there are many men who for some unknown reason stop respecting their wives/partners when they become pregnant and mothers and start acting like complete arses. This one sounds like one of them and fwiw I think he is up to something and OP has every right to know about that imvho.

sunfleurs
We obviously disagree on some points.
I have just remembered I have the same phone, so can´t believe I asked that!
The OP´s partner is acting oddly, I agree.
But for example my husband is very stressed at work at the moment.
3 people have been "let go", & he is doing their work and his.
He supports us all, & if he loses his job he will feel that he has let us all down.
If I asked him to stay at home to help me with a sick child it would add to his stress and the fear of losing his job.
Of course the OP has a right to look at pics of her daughter, but perhaps her partner saw asking to use the phone as a ruse to snoop.
But his consequent behavior does make it seem as if there is something that there shouldn´t be on the phone.
Also read that he is out tonight?
That´s really wrong to me.

He sounds like he is manufacturing every argument possible to a) make it your fault and b)give him a reason to flounce.

He could be having an affair, he could just be buggering off to a mates, either way he is being a spectacularly crap partner.

I know this has been said earlier, btw just wanted to add my opinion.

Feel for you and hope you can work it out with him.

Hope your mum is still there and hope she is sympathetic to.
Agree that you need to take control of this cycle of blame now. Tell him what you want to happen exactly as beanieb says (wise words there)
Including the contactable bit for medical emergencies

OP.....Where will he be staying tonight??

did you text back?

He shouldn´t be staying out tonight, though.
I can´t see what would be more important than seeing how his son is.

We have cordless landline and during the course of manic days looking after 2 babies it often doesn't get put on the base unit. I didn't think it was a big deal to borrow his phone, my mum had just left with ds and i had forgotten to give her something so just used his to save time. I genuinely was not suspicious until he reacted in said manner.

I am not ill, i was saying he never stayed off etc when i am ill. This morning however i had had literally no sleep all night, in bed with ds on one side, dd on the other, while he slept soundly in the spare room. When he went to work ds was vomitting violently and dd screaming to be fed. There was 3 duvets (all of them) downstairs to be taken to laundrette. He just left, i called him and said can you get back and drop them off at laundrette and/or buy a new duvet if they can't wash it today. I expected him to go into work maybe an hour late after helping me so i could have a shower after being vomited on etc. He doesn't get home til 7.30 so i needed help then.

Right, i was in the middle of that when he showed up at home.

He basically had nothing new to say just "i want to be with you but i can't do this" "i can't cope with all this (that being our family)" I asked if he was interested in someone else or someone was showing him interest. No to both.

I was as strong as i could possibly be, took lots of advice from here and said i think you need to go until you decide you can cope with family life and/or decide what you want. I stayed very calm throughout and he's now gone. He text to say he's at the premier inn and the corner.

My mum settled my hungry daughter upstairs thoughout the conversation and ds is now in bed. I feel drained but he seemed quite shocked that i was calm and not bawling. I'm getting a glass of wine and take away with my mum now and i guess i'll have to wait and see what he does now.

mamakin well done for looking after yourself in all this.
This will be very good for him too as why should he treat you so cruelly?
Glad your mum is there and have a good curry!

Be strong mamakin.

Oh God, you poor thing, I'm so sorry you're in this situation. I'm afraid to say that I don't think he would tell you right now if there was another woman, but the truth will probably out if there is.

What does he think other fathers do when they have young families? He's running away from his responsibilities to you and the dc's. Has he got anyone who could talk some sense into him - a friend or family member maybe?

I think you need to get your mum to help you sort out some practicalities - he isn't being reliable at the moment, so go and see a solicitor asap and find out your rights. You probably qualify for Legal Aid so don't worry about it costing anything (I qualified, even though H earns a lot of money, purely because I'm a SAHM with no benefits/tax credits and they assess your individual income)

Will be thinking of you, hope you have a better night tonight.