I feel as though i'm losing the plot with this groundhog day scenario

[mamakim]

Well, where to start.. Been married 4 years, 2dc (2yrs & 3months) first 3 years all as rosey as can be. We're the perfect couple/family ect. Then from the beginning of this year it all changed..

He was promoted, i was pregnant, he's always stressed, always at work etc. We start rowing and when we do it's as though he has completely changed, doesn't care how upset i am, work's too stressful to deal with "this". He leaves me during an arguement for 2 nights (something he'd never do) leaving me sobbing on the doorstep 8 months pregnant. Where he used to tell me he needed and adored me, he suddenly was shouting at me. I felt paranoid, insecure and depressed.

Things like his little love notes, thoughtful valentine's etc all disappear.
Anyway, i suffered antenatal depression and hated this pregnancy, but then my beautiful dd was born. Since then we seem to be perfectly happy all week then have a hysterical weekly meltdown row. I don't get him at all anymore.

For example, the last few;

I ask to borrow his mobile, can't find mine, house phone is flat. He takes it out of his pocket (it is always on his person, on silent) messes with it for a minute then hands it to me. He seems incredibly nervous about me having it. Anyway i make my call and then look at some pics he had taken in hospital of dd.

He's says "i'm going to bed can i have my phone?" i said "i'll bring it up in a min" he says "i want my phone" this decends into a row with me asking him why so twitchy and him saying if you don't give it me now i'm LEAVING you in the morning! eh? that's not normal behaviour in my books.
I then say no i'm not giving it you because that's bizarre, there must be something you don't want me to see! Anyway i look through his blackberry and they're nothing suss. Next morning he's full of apologises. He always is.

A few days later, on a sunday i've had a mega stressful day with regards to dd's breastfeeding, plus i'd been up all night. I'm feeling upset and emotional. We go to bed and i'm expecting a cuddle and some kind words and he lays into me saying i've been snappy all afternoon and he's sick of it, i don't want this anymore! I'm like what?! I'm crying, 2 minutes later he's asleep, i'm up all night with baby. Next morning he texts "i'm so sorry"..

Similar bizarre rows once or twice a week continue until i say i can't carry on like this, i'm stressed enough with 2 very small children to take care of without this insanity. I suggest relationship councelling. He says we don't need it because it's all his fault, he feels jealous and he knows he's acting like a third child when i need support.

He would never have been so hurtful, never said he didn't want to be with me before children, he'd have known i'd have just left him. Now it's as though he thinks she's at home, 2 kids, she's not leaving i can speak to her however i want.

So, tonight, i'm coming up with suggestions to ease some of the problems we're (well i'm - he's barely here) having with ds. He poo poos them all saying they won't work. I (being severely sleep deprived) suggest he came up with some ideas then as it was always me doing it. He says, i'm sick of this, you jumping down my throat, i'm leaving you.

I said fine just do it then, he says "you sort it out (meaning the divorce i assume!), i'll just do my own thing" what?? so he can't even be bothered leaving me?

He then goes on about the previous rows he'd said were his fault and says they were my fault "you should have given me my phone then" etc.

I'm left sat here now wondering what the hell has just gone on?? I'm not going mad am i? this isn't normal behavior? Tomorrow he'll probably be all apologises again but i can't live like this. Anyone know what this is really about?

Thanks for reading if you've got this far.

[TheCrackFox]

Mamakin - I think you have been very strong (and Brave) asking him to leave and sort his head out.

Please get in touch with CAB and sort out what benefits you might need.

This might be the wake up call that he needs.

[mankymummymoo]

Good for you.

Stay strong. Put your children first. And yourself next.

Listen to him when he feels he can talk. Really listen, if he is really talking.

I am in awe of you being so focussed when you are so tired and coping with it all.

enjoy your wine my love, you deserve it.

[mamakim]

Thank you so much. As silly as it sounds i don't think i'd have got though today without this thread. Heard nothing from him on second glass of rosé now. Infact he's calling now, should i ignore??

[mamakim]

Thank you so much. As silly as it sounds i don't think i'd have got though today without this thread. Heard nothing from him on second glass of rosé now. Infact he's calling now, should i ignore??

[mamakim]

Don't know what happened then.

[mankymummymoo]

If you are sober enough to listen to him and stay calm then answer, if not switch off and enjoy your evening.

[tiredoftherain]

I'd speak to him if he wants to talk. Listen to what he has to say, you don't have to say much back. If there is any way back from this, you need to communicate as much as possible, difficult though it is.

If, on the other hand, he's just calling to pick an argument, just put the phone straight down. You don't need that on top of everything else.

[lilacclaire]

He really does sound as if he can't cope with the stress of work and a young family and is cracking up.

Keep the lines of communication open, you really need to find a way to support each other, remember your both on the same side.

The kids will get easier and so will his job, you are both just having a really shit time just now.

[SerendipitousHarlot]

I personally wouldn't answer, no. But then, I'm a vengeful bitch

Why should you listen to him? He hasn't listened to you when you needed him to!

On the other hand, I think you flicked through the phone because you were snooping - that's not to say that I think you were wrong to do so, btw.

I'm sorry you're going through this, it's shit. But ime, the walking out thing when confronted is a little indicative of a guilty conscience. Maybe he wanted to buy himself some time to get his story straight.

It makes me so cross when men walk away like this. You can't, because you have dc to look after.

He's behaving like a child, whatever else he's up to.

Best of luck xxx

[Malificence]

The man's not fit to be a father, let alone any kind of decent husband.
Is it too much to ask that your husband is your rock and supports you when you've recently given birth and also have a young toddler to care for?
Some men shouldn't be fathers if they can't handle the responsibility of real, grown up life.
Marriage and parenting is meant to be a partnership where you support and nurture each other.
I can't imagine how awful it must be to need your husband to look after you and he isn't even capable of the simplest bit of human decency.

[Onlyaphase]

Just read this thread and agree totally with Lilacclairs post, and I think your DH is massively stressed at work following his promotion. I remember being similarly stressed a while ago, and behaving just as irrationally and control-freakishly as your DH at times.

I think from his point of view, he has a stressful and demanding job, is probably not dealing well with it at the moment and just cannot deal with any domestic stress at all. Added to that he probably feels that he has to work this hard and be this stressed to keep you all going financially, and could probably best do that by carrying on at work as normal and living apart from you all for a while so all his energies can be focussed on work. Of course it isn't right that he feels like this, and you aren't in the best place to deal with it either

The pair of you have my sympathies, but I wanted to say that I don't think he is having an affair, I just think your DH's job is taking 100% of his energy at the moment and he can't deal with domestic life as well

[sunfleurs]

Oh Boo Hoo, he is stressed. It is funny how stressed these men get, so stressed they have to piss off and leave their wives/partners at the sharp end to get their heads together. When do we get to do that? we don't is the answer so we knuckle down and get on with it. How often do you hear of a mother, even with PND, pissing off to find herself because it is all too much, not very often I'd say.

He needs to get his arse back pronto and start putting his kids and his wife as their main carer first. Knob.

[lilacclaire]

Ive been that stressed as well onlyaphase, I got to the stage where I couldn't face going home for more stress (didn't even have any kids at the time) and ended up going to the pub instead!
I can only imagine too well the pressure they are both under.

[LastTrainToNowhere]

He may be stressed but I don't think that is justification for his behaviour. What about mamakin, isn't she stressed too? Oh no, wait, only stress at the workplace is real stress .Stress at home is called getting on with life!

I hate it when men get to use the "stress at work" card to get out of acting like a prize turd.

[diddl]

Yes, in your situation I would have expected him to go into work late so I could at least have a shower!
As much as duvets are a godsend re making the bed, it´s cräp when they need a wash.
That said, as is the norm here, we have a single mattress each i none big frame, and a single duvet each.
You can turn over in the night and duvets fit in the washer!

I hope for your sake you can have some time together this weekend and get some things sorted out.