DH is treating me like an Au Pair - long!

[GoldenSnitch]

DH and I have been married for 4 years. We have a 2 and a half year old DS and I am 21 weeks pregnant with our DD.

He has a good job, I am a SAHM, we have a nice house, 2 cars and 2 rabbits.

It's all perfect - except DH treats me like a glorified housekeeper come nanny.

We've joked for years about the fact that he never tells me about nights out etc to the point where his mates now text me to tell me about nights out I'm invited to cause they know he won't tell me. I've always put it down to him being forgetful.

But recently there have been 3 things that have really gotten to me...

The first was a the weekend before last when he went to Berlin for 4 days. The trip didn't bother me, he goes every year but this year I invited my Mum to stay with us while he was away cause I've had low blood pressure and felt I needed some help with DS as I've been getting really tired and headachey and dizzy. I've also got a low lying placenta and have been told to take things easy. DH did text but only in response to texts I sent him asking how he was doing. Luckily, I was busy with Mum and DH so I didn't have time to get upset. He said he was bringing presents home - and turned up with 2 glasses he'd got free with McDonalds meals!!

Then, last Friday was our 4th wedding anniversary. I'm fed up of being the one to organise anything romantic we do so I told him I was leaving it up to him this time. On the day, I e-mailed him at work to ask if I should cook as "there is no point me cooking this chicken if you're whisking me off for a romantic meal". He replied with "cook it" so I did. We had our meal then he gave me my present - a paperback of a book called "Devil Bones" (crime) with the 3 for 2 sticker still stuck to the front! Then his Mum turned up with flowers and a new vase - just in case all of my vases were already full - Ha!

We had a massive row that night and i told him how I felt. He started off not getting it and saying that it was only an anniversary and not a special day! but eventually he (tearfully) said he realised he'd been lazy and he really did love us. It wasn't about the presents but the total lack of thought or romance. He knows it's important to me.

Things have been a bit strained since. I've told him I would like to do something to make up for our anniversary and he said we would do that. I'm still quite raw though and will admit to putting up a bit of a brick wall. He's been very kissy and cuddly but as I'm not feeling the same.

Then this morning, one of his mates messaged me on Facebook to ask if DH and I were going to another friends anniversary party. DH hadn't even told me about it! I mailed him at work and he said he was going to go with his mate and wasn't bothered about taking DS. No mention of me at all. When I asked, he said didn't think I'd fancy a long car drive to see people I hardly know. I replied and said that I was an adult and could make those decisions myself if given the information! His mate is taking his son and said he was only doing so because it was a family party with lots of kids there - my DH is acting like he doesn't even have a family!

So I'm in tears again cause once again it feels like I'm only good for staying home and looking after his son while he lives his life like a single man. He may not be out every night but when he is home he does very little but make mess and play on his PC. He does play with his son but even that seems to be more and more begrudged.

He's a great father and provider and I love him very much and appreciate he works hard for long hours but I really feel like a glorified Au Pair. There's just no romance anymore. He doesn't even seem to want to kiss me unless he fancies sex!

So what do I do? Right now, I'm considering running off to my Mum's (a 3 hour drive away) just to shock him but that wouldn't help us talk and I'm guesing that's what we need. I'm just feeling so used and angry

Thanks tiredoftherain.

I've been classed as depressed in the past so I know how easy it is to get buried by it all.

I hope you manage to sort things out.

I've rung him. He freely admits that he is rubbish about telling me about nights out and again put's it down to being lazy as well as busy at work. I pointed out that he works in front of a PC and it would take him seconds to mail me to let me know. He has apologised.

We need to talk some more. I want more apologies and more effort made to make up for our anniversary but I'll have to wait for later to do that

A small contribution from me on the practical front.

We have a whiteboard on the kitchen door and have agreed that we each/all write down when we're out as well as mundane stuff like after school clubs, shopping lists.

Can you put one in a prominent place and try and get him/order him to write down when he's going out. Easier said than done, but once you get the hang of it it's really helpful as you don't have to keep asking when they're in/out etc....

Good luck, it does sound hard and I think a dose of life in the real world as everyone suggests is a good way to start.

He's a computer geek - spends all his days in front of one at work and his nights in front of one at home - if I need to let him know I'm going out, I mail him a meeting request to his Outlook calendar.

I live by my outlook calendar too - there is nothing stopping him mailing me to let me know about nights out just like I do to him.

He's admitted when I spoke to him earlier that it would take him seconds to do this and there is absolutely no excuse why he doesn't - so now to see if that changes!

Considering refusing to let him out for the next thing his mate tells me about before he does. Giving out passes obviously works for other wives, maybe I should try the same.

Am also going to give him a time limit for this anniversary make up. I was thinking 2 weeks to sort out something and make me feel special again...

I think me just threatening to drop off a bag of suff at his Mum's like I did earlier shook him up! He doesn't ring me from work normally cause he's "too busy" and we spoke for half an hour earlier!!

2 week time limit is a good idea, but you must tell him. you can't set a limit and then get cross if he doesn't stick to it.

and if you're actually prepared to pack a bag and drop it at his mum's, that sound like a very good threat. but you HAVE to be prepared to carry it out. if you don't he won't take your ultimatums seriously and you will have lost major ground, and probably respect too.

Oh I was definitely prepared to drop the bag off!

I asked him today what his Mum would have done to his Dad if he'd done the same thing for thier anniversary and he said she'd have gone ballistic at him so I think he was also scared of what she would say if I had sent him round there

'refusing to let him out for next thing'
'time limit'
'handing out a pass'

packing his bag and sending him back to his mum??!!

OMG!!!

you are married adults?

Any advice or are you just here to repeat things that have already been said?

IDRTDMA- At least the things you have listed have been put forward by people trying to be helpful and productive- more than I can say for your last post I'm afraid.

And please remember, this isn't an AIBU - I'm looking for advice NOT your opinion!

GoldenSnitch - Things change when you get married and have kids so it isn't a problem when your DH does something that was fine when you were dating and had no children but isn't now you are married and parents. It is just how things are.

GS, think about what you want (a better marriage) or to separate and then decide how you need to achieve it and then tell DH as a fait acompli.

how can looking at it from a mans point of view not be helpful!!

he must feel unhappy too.......listen to yourselves,planning to pack his bags for him!! i take it this is on a house he is working to pay mortgage/rent for? sending him back to his mums!! THAT is advice??

i said in an earlier post that he would not be likely to change to the extent you seem to want! why would you be seeking to change a person? you can't.....you just can't FORCE him to change if he doesn't see that a change needs to be made. he has to want to do it! you married him.....thats him,warts and all.

chucking him out (legally what right do you have here?) will solve nothing. thats the advice you're looking for? really?

IDRTDMA
She looks after the kid/s so she has the right t o stay in the house if tey separate. So...kicking him out = fine
You can't change a person but you can try to make them change their behaviour. She has tried a lot of things and has to resort to extreme measures. He's only going to want to change if he realises what he's risking by not changing. That's his choice - don't change and lose wife and kids, or change and keep them.

A break from each other might be exactly what they need. She looks after the child and is pregnant - so he should leave. Simple, good advice.

The language of 'allowing a pass out' etc is certainly not helpful, but that's irrelevant really as it is a matter of common courtesy. It is mere politeness to tell the person you share your house and life with that you are intending to be out on a particular evening, ahead of time, so that they don't cook for you and find it's wasted, and so that they know they'll be dealing with the kids alone. You would do this for a flatmate (for the first reason, anyway, though not the second) so why on earth would you not be as courteous to a partner?

As for 'he must be unhappy too', from IDontReadTheDailyMailAnyway, well, he may be, but with the ability he has to lead the life of a single man, while also having the advantages of a wife doing all the work at home and looking after his son 24/7, he seems to be battling through his unhappiness pretty well, with all those compensations, if you ask me.

I don't think she was 100% serious about that 'pass out' thing.

dads have so many more rights these days,whose to say he wouldn't have joint residency should they separate? why should he be chucked out for ANY length of time? don't you think that this will lead to further resentment growing?

he's maybe unhappy. he doesn't seem to want to engage with the op,and with only her version,how can anyone assume its all down to him and he should be returned to his mother??!!!!

take everyone's advice,chuck him out.....then few months down the line you can post all about the fairytale happy ending. possibly.

op,has he always been like this?

No, kat, I thought not, but I just wanted to address this idea that it is somehow unreasonable to check with your spouse before going out and leaving them alone with the kids. 'Pass out' is a light-hearted code for 'shows respect for partner's time', or it ought to be IMO.

no he hasn't. He used to be very thoughtful and romantic. We'd not been together long when our first Valentines came along and he bought me a dozen roses and a book which I loved so much that I already owned it - but that didn't matter to me, what mattered is that he had listened to me and understood me enough to buy me something he knew I would love. It was a million times more romantic than the year before when an ex has whisked me off to Prague for the weekend. OK, it was nice but had nothing to do with me, it was just a way of throwing money at a problem to make it go away. DH and I went to Prague for our first wedding anniversary and it was so much nicer to be there with someone who loved me.

He fully admits that he's been lazy recently and has been taking me for granted. When I reminded him how he used to be, he cried.

The idea of sending him to his Mum's was to shock him into realising I was seriously upset as we've discussed this in the past and he doesn't seem to take me seriously sometimes. His Mum would not be impressed with how he's been treating me and would want a word with him. She'd have gone crazy at FIL if he'd had ignored thier wedding anniversary!

I do resent the suggestion that I have no right to kick him out of his house though. Before I was a SAHM, I earned the money to pay for the mortgage too! Even now, he wanted me to be at home with our children as much as I wanted to be at home because it was important to him too so it was our choice for me to provide the childcare. I was paranoid at the time that he would come to resent having to earn all the money and he assured me that he wouldn't because we needed me to be at home so that we could live the life he and I wanted. All the money goes into a joint account and is ours. I earn my bit by enabling him to live the life he wants. This is as much my house as it is his!

I started off by saying I was considering going to my Mum's but as she lives 3 hours away that would have severly restricted opporunities to talk (his mum lives at the other end of our estate) and all of my son's toys and clothes and his bed are here and I felt he needed those more. Not to mention me needing to be near home to have access to my midwives in the event that anything went wrong with either my low blood pressure or low lying placenta.

IDRTDMA
if she is a SAHM mum then she would have the right to stay in the family home with the children.
EC - I agree.

The pass out was just a lighthearted thing. I have always worked on the assumption that he is an adult who makes his own decisions and that as long as we've got nothing else on and I'm able to cope with our son (eg I'm not ill or something) then it's no big deal.

What is annoying is when I find out about his nights out from his mates cause he's not told me.

I've always wondered when his mates have said they have to 'ask permission' from thier wives before they can agree to go out but I guess what they mean is they want to check with her first - that's all I want - for him to check with me. Again, he's admitted he could do this very easily but doesn't. He's going to try to change this

men can be changed - my dad was like this. thirty five years of rows later he remembers valentines day without fault.

keep up the training

the more i know of men, the more i like dogs....

Sounds like he's willing to work on it Golden, and that's the main thing. Maybe you just needed to re draw boundaries with one another.

Make sure you keep talking, and don't let anything fester. I did, and that's how I got into a mess. Relate has been great for us so far, I have to say. May be well worth booking an appointment for a kind of relationship check up!

Admitting he's been lazy is a good enough start for me.

Once I reminded him how he'd been and how different he is now, he seemed to get it

Have read the whole thread and I sort of wonder if you are a bit tired and hormonal. Because he sounds quite nice really and doesn't deserve being threatened with separation.

While I will admit to being a bit tired and hormonal, I'm not sure all but ignoring our anniversary would have gone down well even if I wasn't!

This has been going on for a while now and hasn't been getting any better even after talking to him previously.

It might not have gotten to threatening separation if all three things hadn't happened at once while I was feeling quite so delicate but I'm kind of glad it did cause it seems to have shocked him into talking about it and paying attention to me.

I knew I wasn't being unreasonable when even his best mate was shocked at his behaviour.