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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

HELP! Impartial vies needed on affair!

36 replies

MADDI · 26/05/2005 11:09

Desperately need point of view of women who don't know me! Been married 5 yrs with 2dd's aged 4 and 20mths, got married when pregnant, marriage has not been great for a while, lots of small problems, dh hit me when baby was small, long time ago and under provocation but still bothers me, can be a bit aggressive, and also usual stuff like being a lazy sod. I have been seeing my ex, nothing happened except the odd kiss, coffee, texts etc, he is married with teenage step dd and dd aged 6, marriage has been a joke for a long time. We have talked about leaving our partners for each other, I am desperately in love with him, he says he wants to marry me eventually, but still love my dh, but doesn't even beging to compare how i feel about ex. Really believe strongly in making a marriage work but have been trying for ages, worried about impact on kids etc and also what others will think of me, do i take a chance for something that's really amazing or keep "sleepwalking" through marriage cos it's safe and easy. Ex has said he will support me and my kids as I am still at home with youngest, just so scared and confused, please help!

OP posts:
gothicmama · 26/05/2005 11:13

IF I was your friend I would ask you to honestly answer these questions to yourself
How much do you trust x
do u think deep down you coudl save your marriage if you weren't spending time and energy on your x
What would you do how would you feel if it all went pear shaped and you ended up on your own.

mytwopenceworth · 26/05/2005 11:16

best advice i think you could be given would be to take yourself off to relate (you can go on your own) and talk thru your feelings and options - and consequences! with a trained counsellor.
it sounds like you have already made your choice and are trying to pluck up the courage to go thru with it. counselling, planning, preparation and honesty, would be my advice.

lemonice · 26/05/2005 11:19

You may get some views which are highly subjective rather than impartial as this tends to be an emotive subject.

Your children are young , you have the temptation of greener grass but take care how you go.

Flum · 26/05/2005 11:21

Give your marriage 1 year of full effort. Stop seeing your ex.

You took vows for life. You seem to take that very lightly.

Be a wife and mother not another statistic.

Flum · 26/05/2005 11:22

That was harsh, I'm on the side of the marriage today. I think its ok to have a discrete affair but don't break up your marriage think of the children and the future of your life.

pinkroses · 26/05/2005 11:24

Sorry you are in this situation...it sounds awful.

I think you should seperate both problems and tackle them one by one. First, your fellings for dh. Do you love him? Do you want your marriage to work? If not, are you happy to be on your own?

Deal with this side of your life first, then if you decide to make a go of life on your own, then you can see how your ex handles things and see what develops. Don't do anything with him whilst he is still married.

I hope you get through this. Bigs hugs to you xxxx

Original poster
MADDI · 26/05/2005 11:31

Flum you are harsh!!! But if I was on the outside I would say the same as you, but being in my shoes is very different.I don't take my vows lightly, my marriage was for life, but I was pressurised into getting married quickly by my father because I was pregnant.

I would feel ok if dh left me, he walked out on Sunday after a fight and didn't return until 5am, but I'm scared for him and our children. I've tried to get him to go to relate in the past, i think going on my own is a good idea.

OP posts:
Lizzylou · 26/05/2005 11:31

IMO you need to be totally sure before you break up a marriage, but my parents divorced when I was 10 and I can truly say that they made the correct decision!

Flum · 26/05/2005 11:32

Sorry. I do think I was over harsh. It just really upsets me when people seem so easily to walk away from their marriage just because they are a bit bored. I do think you should work at it.

don't forget your ex is your ex. if it didn't work the first time it probably won;t work a second time

Toothache · 26/05/2005 11:32

Flum - Jeeeso that was harsh! It's not always that simple.

Maddi - If you truly believe that your Ex will be there for you..... and you truly don't want to be with your DH anymore then I say go for it.

But you must think about why your Ex is your Ex in the first place. It must have went wrong with him somewhere along the way.

I know how you feel btw. I've kind of been there in the past. I stuck with DH as I could never have trusted the 'alternative' and realised it was just a bit of a fantasy really.

expatinscotland · 26/05/2005 11:34

Sorry but I believe that when a spouse uses domestic violence against another there is never any excuse. Your relationship with your husband is over. Time to move on. Just my 2p.

Toothache · 26/05/2005 11:35

Expat - That was 4 yrs ago though. And we don't really know the circumstances of that. The provocation might have been that she hit him first, for example.

Original poster
MADDI · 26/05/2005 11:36

Unfortunately my ex is only by ex because my mum and dad forbid me to see him - I was 16, he was 9 yrs older, then I moved away to India and he thougth I wasn't coming back and married someone else. It's not a sudden decision,we've been in love for 11 years. Believe me, I've been very vocal in the past about working at marriage and not giving in and now it's happening to me I'm a totyal bloody hypocrite!!

OP posts:
Flum · 26/05/2005 11:36

I know toothache my emotions got in to my fingers before I had engaged brain. sorry. seen too many mates go through miserable divorces thinking the grass is greener and it never is.

expatinscotland · 26/05/2005 11:37

Still don't see that as an excuse. And, obviously, by her own admission, it still bothers her and he is still a 'bit' aggressive. In addition to being 'a lazy sod'. What kind of an example is this to her kids? That it's okay to let a person treat you like crap?

NO WAY!

Marriage is about partnership. When it isn't there anymore, or never was, there isn't a marriage.

Original poster
MADDI · 26/05/2005 11:38

It was 20 months ago when dh hit me, baby was 4 days old, was shouting at my 3 yr old, I went for him, he hit me and pushed me in front of her. Tried to talk about it but he just clms up and says I should forgive him after all this time.

OP posts:
Toothache · 26/05/2005 11:39

Expat - I know its not an excuse but DH has hit me before but coz I've lamped him one (looooong time ago, forgiven and forgotten) ! There are 2 sides to some Domestic violence situations.

Flum · 26/05/2005 11:42

yeah, expat. have you ever raised a hand in anger in your life and regretted it.

expatinscotland · 26/05/2005 11:43

You're right about that, Toothache, and the moment a man strikes me I'm out of there for good. Of course, I've also never struck a person in anger myself. And I've been drunk a whole hella lot in the past.

The point is, it still bothers Maddi, as does his still being 'a bit aggressive' and 'a lazy sod'.

It's your life, Maddi, you chose how to live it and the example you set for your kids.

expatinscotland · 26/05/2005 11:44

No, flum, I can't say I have raised my hand in anger at anyone. If you don't believe that, fine, but some folks really do just walk away.

Toothache · 26/05/2005 11:44

ooops, posts crossed Maddi.

emily05 · 26/05/2005 11:45

Maddi - If I were you I would think about:

  1. Forget the ex for a moment - Do you want to stay married to your dh? Is the marriage savable? (iyswim) If the answer is yes, or even maybe yes, then I would see if you can get some marriage counselling. Work on your marriage and see if it can work and stop contact with your ex.

if the answer is no - then you need to think about leaving your long term situation.

Even if you decided to leave your dh - starting a new relationship so soon after your marriage is not starting on a good note. Try being on your own and dating. It might seem that grass is greener with your ex - but jumping from one relationship to another is just carrying baggage over. If you do want to end your marriage you need to get over that before seeing somebody else seriously.
Also think how confusing it would be to your children to bring this new man into their life so soon, without you knowing whether the new relationship will work out or not?

I am not saying that you should stay with your dh, I just think that you need to take a step back and not rush into something new if your marriage ends. I hope some of this makes sense!!

Original poster
MADDI · 26/05/2005 11:45

Dh is a good man but he's crap when he's tired etc, sometimes really speaks to me like crap. He's not a wife beater or anything like that, but that doubt is always there. I should've left at the time but my baby was so little and I was too scared to admit that things might not be as rosy as they seemed. Bloody pathetic.

OP posts:
Toothache · 26/05/2005 11:46

Expat - WOW You must have lots of restraint! My sister and I used to fight like cats weekly!!

expatinscotland · 26/05/2005 11:47

My sister is much older than I am, Toothache. I didn't want any of her stuff, anyway.

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