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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

HELP! Impartial vies needed on affair!

36 replies

MADDI · 26/05/2005 11:09

Desperately need point of view of women who don't know me! Been married 5 yrs with 2dd's aged 4 and 20mths, got married when pregnant, marriage has not been great for a while, lots of small problems, dh hit me when baby was small, long time ago and under provocation but still bothers me, can be a bit aggressive, and also usual stuff like being a lazy sod. I have been seeing my ex, nothing happened except the odd kiss, coffee, texts etc, he is married with teenage step dd and dd aged 6, marriage has been a joke for a long time. We have talked about leaving our partners for each other, I am desperately in love with him, he says he wants to marry me eventually, but still love my dh, but doesn't even beging to compare how i feel about ex. Really believe strongly in making a marriage work but have been trying for ages, worried about impact on kids etc and also what others will think of me, do i take a chance for something that's really amazing or keep "sleepwalking" through marriage cos it's safe and easy. Ex has said he will support me and my kids as I am still at home with youngest, just so scared and confused, please help!

OP posts:
Original poster
MADDI · 26/05/2005 11:48

Wouldn't jump straight into new relationship, not fair on kids. Have told ex if I do leave it will be gradual thing and I'll live on my own first. Also worried his wife will try and stop him seeing his dd who he adores if she finds out.

OP posts:
Toothache · 26/05/2005 11:50

Not pathetic at ALL Maddi! You feel very vulnerable after the birth of a baby. You have stuck together a long time. And I think you realise that marrying him was mistake. It's brave and strong of you to admit that and to try to get out of an unhappy marriage.

expatinscotland · 26/05/2005 11:51

No doubt, Toothache! People make mistakes, Maddi. It's only human. They don't have to mean the end of your happiness forever. I think it's a good idea to take it slowly w/the ex, however.

Toothache · 26/05/2005 11:52

Expat - lol, mine was only 15mths older. Could happily have knocked her out regularly.

Maddi - FWIW I think you are probably making the right decision to end the relationship. Not too sure about the Ex though.

joec · 26/05/2005 11:53

as someone who was in a violent relationship for a long time. i would say this is not about your ex. he is in a way your lifeline to get out of your current relationship.it is never right to stay with someone for the sake of your children.i did and wished i had made changes a long time before i did.if he has hit you once believe me he will do it again.your children always know what is going on and if he did this infront of your children it shows he really doesnt care whether they see him like this or not.
i know it is hard.and yes in a way it is safe and easy to stay where you are because its what you know and you think you can handle the situation.
you are entitled to be happy in your life. your children will ultimately be happy if you are.

Original poster
MADDI · 26/05/2005 11:53

Yeh, I've thought about being on my own and I know it would be ok, and I wouldn't have as much housework to do cleaning up all his crap!!! I would make sure he had joint custody of the kids but I know how tough it would be on them cos they're used to him being here.

OP posts:
Original poster
MADDI · 26/05/2005 11:56

true about ex being a lifeline, i do wonder if he is my excuse to leave more than anything

OP posts:
joec · 26/05/2005 12:04

just because your kids are used to him being there doesnt mean they are happy.
i stayed because of my kids. and it was only after he finally left us alone that i realised how unhappy they were. my 2 older kids have seen things they should never have seen and to be honest i am the one who feels really guilty about what they have seen and been through. i am not telling you that you should just pack your stuff and leave. but you have got to seriously think about whether you want to continue in this marriage.iots not about love its about thinking about yourself and your children and what kind of life you want them to have

Original poster
MADDI · 26/05/2005 12:05

Good advice joec, thanks. Being a mother is all about guilt, isn't it?

OP posts:
joec · 26/05/2005 12:27

yes being a mum is all about guilt !!!!!
but you have to think of yourself aswell. you no my kids have never been as happy as they are now.
they made the desicion not to see their dad anymore and he wasnt to bothered about seeing them. i am not saying that is what you should do with yours but just think about what you ultimately want to do . not about what people will say or what you think they would want you to do

joec · 26/05/2005 12:29

maddi. have sent you an email .. up to you if you want to reply

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