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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

breaking the cycle of being drawn to "bad uns"

56 replies

ridingjoker · 07/08/2009 19:06

i'm trying to break the pattern of being drawn to assholes. my usual type is the arrogant confident, vain very attractive, arseholes men.

have been on several dates and keep making ridiculous excuses

too skinny
too quiet
dont like the way they walk
dont like the way they chew

yet i will have found myself considering completely unsuitable men and overlooking serious faults such as commitment phobias, ones with ex's who still live with them... and ones who dont give 2 flying ducks about anyone but themselves.

so... anyone who's managed to successfully change their ways on this?

was it easy? did you just know... or did you initially find yourself making random excuses as to why the non-bastard nice guy was no good..... only to be shaken by good friends and told to get a grip and realise he was a good guy.

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NanaNina · 11/08/2009 12:51

Couldn't agree more skihorse. I lost interest in the thread for the same reason. I suspect some of these women think that they are more interesting/exciting because they like to be involved with "bad boys" and others wanting a more stable relationship are boring!

Sadly they will have to find out the hard way!

Incidentally I think "bad boys" is a euphamism for "potentially abusive men" - has a different ring doesn't it!

GrendelsMum · 11/08/2009 12:58

Oh yes, my best friend went out with a series of the most awful men (really to the point where you started wondering where on earth she found them all), and is now married to a lovely man.

Actually, I just typed that and then I thought, 'hang on, her DH actually did something which in some ways was bad as the rest of them'. But I think the difference was that her DH made a mistake but they loved each other enough that they kept working at the relationship even through very, very tough times, and that her DH's behaviour was a problem within himself, not with the relationship.

One thing I noticed was that she thought these 'bad boys' were glamorous, exciting, sexy, etc, while to those around her, they were tedious, stupid, self-absorbed bores. Her DH is not the world's most exciting man, but they hit it off from the start.

With my friend, I wondered whether it was a confidence thing in her earlier life - she felt that being with these tossers reflected well on her as it made her appear more glamourous than she felt. They appeared to have bags of confidence and some of it appeared to rub off on her.

What happened? Well, the last bloke treated her even worse than the rest (and they had been pretty bad), she had a another nervous breakdown, and then decided to stop seeing men. She took up a whole range of hobbies, made a lot of real friends of all ages, became genuinely independent and confident, volunteered to work with refugees abroad, and then, just before she went abroad, she met this lovely man at a friend's house. They stayed in touch while she volunteered and then got married on her return. So in her case, it wasn't the taste in men that changed, it was her levels of self-esteem, I think, and that then had massive effects across the rest of her life.

GrendelsMum · 11/08/2009 13:11

Or of course, you could accept that going out with unpleasant men makes you feel better for some reason, and live with it?

skihorse · 11/08/2009 13:32

Wow to duke748, naninina and grendelsmum who have all hit the nail right on the head.

My fella wants a motorbike - but he's not going to spend the nursery money on his leathers!

ridingjoker · 11/08/2009 18:30

duke, nana nina, grendelsmum, skihorse.

the thread originally started out with the aim of finding out if anyone would share their experience where they have managed to change their habit of finding the bad uns attractive.

as you will have noticed... us that do "celebrate" them... are still stuck in the cycle.

hence, we are looking for inspiration to change our mind set... and i personally was hoping for some stories from women with men who are exciting.. do these spontaneous and adventurous things that the bad uns do....yet still have the ability to provide the stability and maturity we're looking for in a grown man.

we all know that bad uns are often the ones that cause abusive relationships.

yes, the thread has gone skeewiff, but please....

more examples of women who have changed their ways let us here your story.

grendels is another great example.

your friend is obviously a bit of a fiesty adventuring sort herself.... and her DH must surely be a gem an equally as interesting to think himself lucky to be with her.

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ridingjoker · 11/08/2009 18:31

hear not here..

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