breaking the cycle of being drawn to "bad uns"

[ridingjoker]

i'm trying to break the pattern of being drawn to assholes. my usual type is the arrogant confident, vain very attractive, arseholes men.

have been on several dates and keep making ridiculous excuses

too skinny
too quiet
dont like the way they walk
dont like the way they chew

yet i will have found myself considering completely unsuitable men and overlooking serious faults such as commitment phobias, ones with ex's who still live with them... and ones who dont give 2 flying ducks about anyone but themselves.

so... anyone who's managed to successfully change their ways on this?

was it easy? did you just know... or did you initially find yourself making random excuses as to why the non-bastard nice guy was no good..... only to be shaken by good friends and told to get a grip and realise he was a good guy.

shoptilldrop - "magnetically", similar to me... i can sense one as soon as i enter a room and seem to be drawn to them like a moth to the flame. and often with ones i've hooked up with they have said similar.

i do think some men also feel themselves drawn to us women who are drawn to their type.

we can pick out an assehole a mile off... and they can pick out the ones who are drawn to them as easily.

surely there are studies done on this...

we need some links to explain our behaviour so we can see the error in our ways....
...

ok.. so we can already see the error. but find a way to resolve this.

yeah i'm about the same, not intrested in the nice steady ones, would rather go for the nice on the front, but have under lying tones as well - usually the instincts kick in about the 6-8 week mark but I usually ignore them - not good!

ah see i am now able to spot the red flags from the start.... but stupidly choose to ignore.

yet as i said earlier will instantly drop a nice guy with no red flags for ridiculous reasons... one poor chap i did because his shoulders weren't broad enough

it's ok i've been known to turn my nose up at a perfectly nice chap because of what he was wearing!

Hi all.

I think I have managed to break the cycle.

After a while of being single, and as someone earlier said, getting myself on an even keel, a nice guy made a pass.

He was a long term friend who I hadn't though of in that way as we both had partners when we met and as he was a colleague he was someone I spoke to about work, certainly not someone I thought about sleeping with!

To be honest, I thought that he was a bit boring. He had a good job, knew what he was doing with his life and had a pretty even temprement. I wasn't instantly attracted to him ,to be honest and would have dismissed him as boring in the past.

However, I went against my natural instincts and got to know him and we have now been dating for year and a half.

He treats me well, never lets me down and, more importantly we have loads of fun together. The sex is amazing (because he cares that I have a great time) and we go out and do loads of stuff together, which is exactly what I want.

So I guess the way I stopped going for bad uns is to go against my natural instincts a bit. Instead of going for the 25 year old who was trying to get in my pants, I went for the 35 year old who treating me with respect but who I wasn't sure about at the start.

So, maybe give the guys a chance, and see where it goes?

GOOD LUCK!!!

way heeeeeeey, finally someone with a good ending

duke - honestly though...... not bored? and enjoying things chugging along without the dramas you get with an arsehole

i;d liek a quiet life thou with no dramas.

just need to actually get a life ot get out and find a man - how do you do that again! lol.

I think my problem is I like to be challenged all the time and mentally stimulated, althou I guess there's a difference between mentally stimulated and abused (as XH was )

i actually fancy the quiet life too... different now i have dc my head is constantly spinning. the thought of adding relationship issues just makes my mind boggle.

but they would need to require a brain in good woring order.... not much fun if my crud jokes just fly over their head. and they definately have to be able to hold a conversation and have opinions to share.

not just meekly sit there and nod and agree as i start off on a tangaent(sp?) about global warming.

belle , same as me

i think its partly why i dont seem to sustain anything lasting now, because at the first sign of hassle i dont want to know

i dont give second chances anymore

Ridingjoker - honestly no. We have fab holidays, go out for meals all the time and have great sex. That's enough fun for me.

He also is always nice to my friends, buys me little presents (mostly chocolates- he knows me well!) and when we argue we make up quickly. If that is boring, that's fine with me.

duke - that doesn't sound boring at all.

yeah.... so ladies if duke can do we all can..... right surely there is someone else has followed in dukes steps.??

i had one of those after my exh but the bugger emigrated

yeah I remember him Lou.

that's what i'm thinking now as well - i'll stick around while it's easy and fun but as soon as it starts to go pear shaped (i'm off - just don't need the hassle what with everything else going on!). (along with looking for red flags all the tiem - ie he's asking what i'm doing all the time, or he's ringing me all the time etc - any excuse really! lol)

duke - glad you managed to break the mold with it. there's hope for us all then.

This is a really interesting and useful thread actually, thanks for starting it rj!

After chatting to someone yesterday I'm wondering if relationship with the opposite sex parent affects how you relate to men? My dad was a very 'authoritarian' type parent. We get on ok now but he didn't like kids and me and my sister always had to be quiet and behave which is a bit shit when you're little. He wasn't abusive but certainly was distant and a bit scary and didn't know how to relate to kids - certainly not female ones.

Wow, ok now I've analysed myself, maybe I could set myself up in practice and solve everyone else's problems? LOL.

I've found that I attract a lot of younger men (usually around age 27 for some reason - I'm 34).

Maybe time to give the older ones a chance?

I had relationships with a string of 'bad-uns' and I mean bad-uns, before meeting dh.

It took one of them to almost completely destroy my life, and for my now dh to appear and pick up the pieces of me, for it to stop.

Having said that - nine years on I often find myself yearning for some of the excitement that chaos and uncertainty bring. You make a choice though don't you? Can't have me cake and eat it!

Can't have my cake!

queensfool has a valid arguement here....

we all like the excitement the bad uns bring.... brings great joy.... yet when it goes tits up we end up about destroyed and useless and have to build ourselves back up.

so question is are we willing to make the sacrifice of those extreme highs , in order to avoid those desperately low times.

for the sake of my dc who are now part of my package... i have no choice but to accept living the rollercoaster was fun.

but that was the past.. now is time to avoid them... and be with someone who is fun and makes me happy. i'll happyily not have those ridiculous crazy things you do with the bad uns.... which lets face were wildly irresponsible, dangers and stupid at the best of times.... if it means keeping out of the area of feeling destroyed.

keep those crazy things we do with the bad uns as fond memories.

same as we have memories of great holidays with the girls... but you aren't going to go do those things again anytime soon

disappearing for weeks on end without so much as a phone call home

staying up for up 3 days with no sleep

lets face it... we've probably all done similar things when younger. that we wouldn't even consider nowadays. firmly left in the past.

i think its time to leave the arseholes in the past too.

fun.... but past their sell-by date.

surely with this approach we can successfully do it.

i understand we will look back and miss the excitement... same as we miss the excitement of the other fun things we did.#

but... we've all been in the situation where we were with these bad uns and wished we were in a more settled relationship.

grass is greener syndrome.

difference being..... better not to be a destroyed half human when thinking about the greener grass. better just to be slightly bored and looking for a way to spice things up when considering the greener grass.

Here here!!

(I really need reminding of this at the moment)

Just thought I would put my two pennies worth in!

From the gist of the thread I get the impression that the bad uns offer us a bit of an adrenalin rush and add excitement to our some times boring lives.

I am sure if you were able to get that rush through something that you personally enjoy then you wouldn't need to get it from a partner.

Speaking from personal experience, I can say that following my passion for running and cycling gives me the adrenalin rush that I need, all those endorphins running around in my blood stream after a good run keeps me on a high for hours!

Just my own personal thoughts

As you were.

sadly inthemist i wish it was that easy.

from a kne high nipper i've been doing adrehnaline filled activities.

doing them even more at present

doen't make an iota a difference.

i also find doing silly adrehnaline filled sports tends to draw the bad uns a bit better too.

and nice guys often get scared off. or simply dont have the balls to join in any of the more dangerous sports.

and it would be nice to share these activities with a partner.

rj - love that post! I too am now fed up - esp after XH of picking myself up again - part of the problem with XP - he thought we had a 'part time' relationship, and we didn't it's just I wasn't prepared to sign over the lease of my house 50/50 set up a joint account etc etc with someone who wasn't working & tbh I think was using me as a way of moving out of his mums house.

Been there, dependant on XH, and my main prob is i'm so terrified of it happening again I don't go for the 'nice blokes' cos what if they want to get too close and then they up n leave as well - better to stick with he bad uns for a few months, not get too attached and not to be too vulnerable, esp as I now have DS in tow.

flip side of that thou is I never really let anyone in close, and thus will not have proper fulfilment again. :-(

(I also do body combat which released said endorphones so don't think it's jsut that) - love watching some of the fit blokes thou in their little shorts

tell me about it.... should see the bodies on the rock climbing guys..... and they are all real "mans men".... no metrosexual types to be found in a harness i can assure you

a RL cat - I think you misjudged/misunderstood SkiHorse. You mention that you think she is irrational for talking of her own childhood issues in response to someone ele's problem.

We are ALL the product of our experience. difficulties in our adult life are all rooted in our childhood experiences and the way in which we were brought up by parents or caregivers. Skihorse has been able to gain some understanding of this through therapy and this is really the only way..........only when we are able to look at the way our past has affected us are we able to make changes that will lead to a better life.

Skihorse's suggestion of the book "Women who love too much" is a good one. Can be bought off Amazon or play.com (no delivery charges) for a few pounds.

Thank you nananina. A great deal of my understanding HAS come about through therapy and realising that MY weaknesses attracted inappropriate people - and I used to kid myself that this was what I "wanted" but could never understand why they were unable to give me what I "needed".

I didn't respond previously to this thread previously because having skim-read a couple of the vitriolic comments it seemed to me that nobody on this thread actually wants to change their own behaviour (and attractions) - in fact it's become more a celebration of the bad boy.

That way madness lies.

Talking about celebrating the bad boys...What is a "bad 'un"?

Is it someone who...

...sulks, shouts, lets you down, takes you for granted, is horrible to your kids/friends/family, lies, makes you feel worthless etc etc

Or is it someone who is....

...exciting, spontaneous, fun loving, adventurous, romantic, cheeky etc etc

To have the 2nd lot you don't have to put up with the 1st lot.

I know I probably sound like a smug old bird, but it honestly took me a long time to figure out that someone who does the things in the 1st list isn't someone I want to be with.

I think its easy to confuse the two types and end up getting badly hurt, and then doing it all again with the next guy!