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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Views pls - is this one for Relate, or am I overreacting?

52 replies

SammyAnne · 06/08/2009 15:53

DH & I have very different ways of dealing with with stress - he's an exploder, I'm a silent worrier. Neither perfect, obviously. Money worries, new baby on the way etc etc (like all of us) so lots of stress to deal with.

DH now exploding on a weekly basis (by which I mean screaming at top of voice everyone but him is an ** moron, throwing things against walls, kicking doors etc) normally lasts about 20 mins and involves as broad a range of swear words as he can fit in (all screamed at top volume) - frightens the bejesus out of our toddler, as well as teaching him a whole load of words I'd rather he didn't know.

About 50% of the screaming is aimed at me and my numerous faults (irrespective of the cause of the issue), and the rest at the world generally. By the he's calmed down I'm sometimes in tears at the things he's said about me, which generally winds him up further (like many blokes, believes women cry as a conscious emotional blackmail tool). Then he forgets it all, and I worry for the next 24 hours that he really thinks these things.

Clearly he would think I was mad for suggesting councelling over this - he just sees it as his way of venting - but it really bothers me, and when the new baby comes the tiredness and stress will get worse.

Suggestions pls ladies!

(would like to point out that despite occasional negative postings, we do on the whole have a good relationship and wouldn't swap him for another :-))

OP posts:
queenofdenial2009 · 06/08/2009 20:05

Um, you might not want my opinion on this but I think it is domestic abuse. The fact that he saves it up just for you and then apologises but continues to do it when he knows how much it upsets you means he is in control of this.

Unfortunately it will be affecting your two year old but not necessarily in obvious ways. If nothing else, it's teaching him/her that it is acceptable to behave this way and not to respect you enough to stop.

This might be a stage a bit too far for you at the moment, but I would look at the Women's Aid website which describes behaviours that are abusive. I've recently left my partner because of similar (and worse) behaviour. I would have said it wasn't affecting my four year old DD, but the difference in her already is marked.

MorrisZapp · 06/08/2009 21:11

Sammy you sound like a lovely, sensible person. If your DH won't admit he has a problem or seek help for his appalling behaviour then you have to find a way to basically get tough and demonstrate to him that you simply won't accept it. Do not continue to accept it.

What he's doing is wrong, and you and your DC are entitled to be safe and secure in your home. Please don't think you have to fix him or help him. You have to make it clear how bad his behaviour is and then the ball is in his court.

Perhaps it's not what you were hoping to hear but if he manages to control his temper with friends, at work etc but saves it for you then that suggests it is abuse rather than an anger management situation.

I don't have experience or any practical suggestions but there are others on here who have, and who will no doubt add their help here.

Keep posting.

LuluMaman · 06/08/2009 21:24

i don't know if you have a boy or a girl, but either way, you don;'t want you son to grow up thinking that is how men behave, or your daughter thinking that what you are being subjected to is normal

it is abusive

it is not normal venting

rowing and shouting and arguing happne

but not sustained loud, abusive rantings with kicking things and the underlying threat of violence

just because you are not perfect or you get cross or moody from time to time, it is no excuse for the level he is taking his anger to

SerendipitousHarlot · 06/08/2009 21:25

What MorrisZapp said is very true - the very fact that he can 'control' his anger when in the company of other people, leads me to believe that he is conscious of his actions.

I have lived that life, and it's horrible. I was never physically abused by my ex, unless you count a bit of pushing and shoving - but I was subjected to this kind of behaviour for a long time. And then in front of other people, which was mortifying.

I left in the end, because I couldn't live in fear of the latest outburst, and always thinking that it would escalate into something physical. And thank god for that.

Me and my now dh argue sometimes, of course, but I never feel intimidated because... well, he's completely different.

I'm not for one minute saying that you should leave. Just that it is something that needs dealing with - don't live your life like that if you don't have to. It's very wearing and sucks your mojo xxx

PerArduaAdNauseum · 06/08/2009 21:30

Another agreeing that this isn't normal or acceptable, but is abusive.

You are the only one who gets this, because you (and DC) are the one he doesn't have to show respect to.

I'm guessing that if you try taping him, the machine will be broken. So if you do, make sure you use his phone/camera - because if you look around, he may only be breaking/throwing things he considers yours.

mamas12 · 06/08/2009 21:55

Agree with lilacclair
while you are both calm, talk about his outbursts and say you will not be able to tolerate them anymore becasue of dc and pg and basic respect tbh, so next time it happen could he remove himself from the house and just get on with somewhere else. If he doesn't yu need to just get in the car and take dc fro a drive or something.
Actively show him it's unacceptable behaviour.
Hope he sees sense.

bluesnowfalcon · 07/08/2009 07:02

Really wish you luck with this and hope that some of the suggestions help - mamas12 has a good idea about either getting him to take it elsewhere or you going out with DC. Although I'm guessing this might not be as easy as it sounds!

You need to try to take care of yourself and if that means going to stay with friends or family for a while until DH realises that it is significant and important and upsetting/worrying you then maybe it is worth thinking about.

My mum left my dad and took me and my brother with her for 4 days for other reasons but needless to say he realised that his behaviour wasn't accpetable and did change - they are still married and celebrated 29 year anniversary this year! There is still hope even if you take a stand!

Good luck and keep us all posted

Tortington · 07/08/2009 07:10

youe dh is a tool and needs to get some anger management sessions

Tortington · 07/08/2009 07:11

pmsl @ how he finds violence against women 'abhorrant' but he likes to scare women and children

cock

PerArduaAdNauseum · 07/08/2009 07:59

custardo - it's not unmanaged anger if if can keep his temper outside the home.

LoveBeingAMummy · 07/08/2009 08:04

I think you are being a little naive by saying it has no effect on your son. I don't think it will be long before you see the effect as he is learning this is the way to speak to you.

The only way he will deal with it is if he sees it to be a problem and atm where is the incentive for him do that? You don't mind, neither of you think its effecting your son so why should he change?

Tortington · 07/08/2009 08:19

peradua i think it is.

out of experience, besides going to the sessions themselves are a commitment to change and an acceptance that there is a problem

Tortington · 07/08/2009 08:20

besides how many angry partners then go on to shout at their boss colleagues, friends and family?

that would just be classed as insane

piscesmoon · 07/08/2009 08:21

I would expect that it is already affecting your DS.
He is throwing a tantrum and needs to change his behaviour-it is unacceptable.
If he can't do it by himself he needs to go the GP and get help in anger management.
In the meantime I would treat him like a 2 yr old! Next time he starts-pick up DS and leave the house for a walk-tell him that you are giving him time to calm down and will listen to him when he can explain the problem in a calm and rational way.When he is calm tell him that you are not tolerating it any longer and you can't bring up DS to think it is 'normal' behaviour in an adult.

PerArduaAdNauseum · 07/08/2009 08:54

custardo - i think it would be enlightening to know what objects he throws around, and what gets broken. And if he dents a door, does he fix it? And why can't he be that angry in the garage or garden where he won't scare his child? Back to op - could you hang a punchbag in the garage for him - would he take it out there? If so, then you'd know that he wasn't doing it partly for the pleasure of upsetting you?

Tortington · 07/08/2009 09:04

does it matter what he throws around? surely the consequence o the action is what matters?

Sunfleurs · 07/08/2009 09:42

Yes, what a great idea. Now Daddy can storm screaming though to the garage and start attacking a punch bag instead of screaming at Mum and in front of toddler.

Daddy needs to get some help pronto. His anger whether directed at his partner or a punch bag is unacceptable and his kid is going to suffer for it.

PerArduaAdNauseum · 07/08/2009 09:55

Anger itself can be acceptable, especially where the alternative is depression. And i'm not suggesting he storm through the house - i'm suggesting he stay calm until he's in a safe and appropriate place to vent. Sometimes life is shit and it's a good idea to let off steam. Safely and without scaring people.

Tortington · 07/08/2009 10:26

agreed, however it's not obvious to the perpetrator how to deal with these issues in a safe way which is why i suggested anger management as a solution.

PerArduaAdNauseum · 07/08/2009 10:39

i guess i thought a punchbag might be a more acceptable anger management to the h - and a quick way of establishing whether it is abuse or if he's just being a great big numpty...

mpuddleduck · 08/08/2009 00:11

SammyAnne, I don't know how you can get him to go for anger management,but I think you should act now.

I didn't think my not so dh would ever be violent with me, he started out when we were first married punching holes in walls, kicking doors etc,over the years things got worse, not every week, just now and again,then in march he had an explosion which resulted in us seperating. I often wonder if we could have dealt with the problem much earlier maybe things might have been different.

Mn has been a great help to me, I hope someone comes along with the idea to help you soon,Good luck.

posieparkerinChina · 08/08/2009 07:41

PerArdua... My DH in our distant and recent history has spoken to me like shit, gets very angry and has told me to fuck off and called me a bitch in front of our children as well as 'fat' ugly etc etc. Now whilst Relate has helped enormously I am asking a child psychologist to come and talk to my sons who are 6 and 7 as they have little respect for me. Despite the way I instruct them to behave they have witnessed to much and are too young to see that how their father behaved is not acceptable, the process is too much to ask of them. So I now need to strip their knowledge and start again. The example of respect is far more efficient and effective in teaching children about respect. Funny thing is my father was like this and so I am history repeating itself, except he also beat my mother and is still physically intimidating her, only today he told me to fuck off in front of my children..... and last night, when they were in bed, told me her couldn't understand why my Dh hadn't "buried me".... Oh my joyous life.

Just shared OP as I don't want you to think for a minute the way your H behaves and the things you accept will not have anything but a huge influence on your dc/dcs.

posieparkerinChina · 08/08/2009 07:44

Sorry PerArdu, that was addressed to SallyAnne.

posieparkerinChina · 08/08/2009 07:46

If your DH is such a lovely man the rest of the time I would give him an ultimatum, Relate or leave. It is a relationship issue as it affects your relationship and his anger is directed at you.

Cloudbase · 08/08/2009 12:57

I hate to say it, but having been in a similar situation (now separated), I too, believe this is abuse. Domestic abuse includes emotional and verbal abuse as well as/instead of violence. It is often misunderstood in the sense that it isn't about anger, or depression, or drinking too much, problems at work etc etc - it stems from a fundamental sense of entitlement about being in control and having power over women. It is hard and very confusing, because you are in love with this man, and you have had lots of good times with him - the thing is, the good times don't ever justify the bad/abusive times, and they are also part of the control mechanism - if he didn't intersperse the abuse with periods of being very loving, you would leave him without question - it's his way of making sure you stick around.

I'm so very very sorry to post this, because this is probably horrible for you to read and not what you were hoping for, but the fact that you posted on MN in the first place makes me suspect that in your gut you know the situation isn't okay. Stay strong, and am sending a big hug.