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Original poster

Gathering evidence of DH's suspected infidelity - advice please! (sorry long)

33 replies

NameChangedObviously · 04/08/2009 23:56

Have namechanged for this obv.

DH has been going through an odd patch over the last few years. He walked out on me for a few days while I was pg with DS and neither of us were sure whether he was coming back. But after a weekend in a cheap hotel he "missed me" and did come back. He has always worked (yes, and played) hard but since DS was born he has increasingly started staying v late "at work" - 3am not unusual - sometimes he has stayed out overnight. He also has not been interested in sex (with me) for some years but I have been putting that down to depression (which he's now getting help for).

But now I am getting this sinking feeling there's something else going on. He spends a lot of time on internet "adult" chat/webcam websites (I haven't mentioned this to him, but they keep coming up on his history and he is a registered user and frequent visitor of the sites).

Also, in the last year (basically since DS was born) he has stopped donating blood. No other reason to stop donating blood - no tattoos or blood transfusions etc.

This week he told me I was a "good wife" but it came out a bit strange - after a long pause iyswim.

Basically I am wondering if he is cheating on me. And if he is, I want to know about it and be prepared - so I can sort out the legal side, re-plan my finances etc. Because if he has been cheating, I bloody do not want to be with him. DH's mum took DH's dad back far too many times for the same offence.

Have looked at his phone but no incriminating texts that I can see. Can't find an extra phone anywhere. Can't access his bank details (online).

Can anyone recommend where I should go from here to investigate further? I'm not going to turn into a sherlock holmes, but I'm guessing that if my suspicions are true, given that he doesn't yet know I suspect him they should be fairly easy to verify if only I knew where/how to look.

?SIM card reader
?tracker in car
.....

Unfortunately he doesn't talk in his sleep!!

OP posts:
Claire2009 · 04/08/2009 23:59

Hire someone, a detective that catches cheats out?

BitOfFun · 05/08/2009 00:01

What network is he with? O2 let you back every text/call up online if you register his phone.

Original poster
NameChangedObviously · 05/08/2009 00:04

But how do I register his phone without him knowing?

OP posts:
Alibabaandthe40nappies · 05/08/2009 00:07

I would hire someone. Should be very easy for them to see whether he is infact at work until 3am or off shagging.

If he has stopped donating blood, I presume you are thinking that he's having unprotected sex elsewhere? Are you having sex with him at the moment - do you use condoms? Make sure you are safe won't you?

Original poster
NameChangedObviously · 05/08/2009 00:14

Yes have been using condoms as I am still BFing DS and don't want to be on the pill (just a personal decision, not sayin' that there would be anything wrong with it)

And because I have been wondering about him for a little while now.

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 05/08/2009 00:18

You need these!

I don't know how the O2 thing works exactly, but you'll get the picture if you google it, I reckon.

NewLeaseofLife · 05/08/2009 00:49

You will drive yourself mad trying to catch him out. Please take it from someone that knows. I would say that if your instincts are telling you that he is up to no good then he probably is.
I would ask him outright. You will know if he is telling thetruth or not. It may just be to do with his depression, it affects people in differant ways.

Sorry to be so negative but really as I say the best advice from my personal experiance is to trust your gut feeling. It is rarely wrong.

good luck

everythingistaken · 05/08/2009 05:03

think newlease is right, go with your gut women are usually right about these things, ask him out right. for you.

danthe4th · 05/08/2009 06:20

Start stashing the cash in a new private account so you have a buffer when TSHTF. Men do not stay at work till 3am when there is a baby at home. I've been there.

commeuneimage · 05/08/2009 06:48

Asking outright is no good. He will just deny it and make you feel guilty for even asking. If you can't find anything from accounts, mobile, e-mail you might have to use a private detective to be sure but I believe it's expensive. One woman on here used a tracker on the car with success.

I'm sorry - it drives you mad until you know for sure.

Working all night sounds very dodgy.

abedelia · 05/08/2009 10:03

Can't you ring his work, or arrange a friend to say so that you can go over there and see if he is about? Much cheaper...

abedelia · 05/08/2009 10:08

Oh - and don't bother asking him. People having affairs don't tell the truth unless faced with evidence that they can't disprove. He'll just make you feel like you are being a paranoid nutter for asking. Have you searched the car and garage for a second phone?

expatinscotland · 05/08/2009 10:34

I'd hire someone. Can get some hard evidence for about £250.

WickedWench · 05/08/2009 12:42

If he's on O2 and you register his phone with Bluebook (the site that records all your texts) please be aware that you get sent a text message from O2 to confirm registration. You need to do it when you've got his phone.

summertime76 · 05/08/2009 16:52

Im so sorry to hear what hes doing to you. Has he regestered his mobile yet online? I went through something similar and found out through regestering his mobile while he was at work using my email address and his bill he gets every month ( his account no will be on it ). I know it sneeky but it really helped me as I found out when he called the ow and if he hasnt at least your not confronting him if he hasnt done wrong and it puts your mind at ease.

beanieb · 05/08/2009 17:01

Is there any easy way you can check up on him while he's in work? Maybe some kind of made-up crisis where you have to go to the office or send someone to the office?

RumourOfAHurricane · 05/08/2009 17:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

anothermum92 · 05/08/2009 19:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

UnquietDad · 05/08/2009 22:00

Odd. Most people who use computers for any length of time have at least a rudimentary idea of how to clear their search history. The fact that he doesn't suggests that a) he doesn't know how to, b) he isn't bothered/ can't be arsed or c) he actually wants to be caught...

(Even if he doesn't want to do so, a lot of "keep your PC running smoothly" type programs, like Advanced System Care, do it automatically when you run them.)

Original poster
NameChangedObviously · 05/08/2009 23:16

In answer to Qs:

  • He has set his windows profile to be passworded and it goes into password mode when left for more than a few minutes. And I don't know the password. So I don't think he has thought of clearing his history as well. Plus he thinks I am an airhead when it comes to computers and I guess he doesn't imagine that I even know about search history.
  • But an interesting question about whether subconsciously he actually wants to be caught. Maybe he does. Maybe he is looking for a way out of this and wants me to be the one who he can blame for ending it.
  • When working late he is always working alone. I can only contact him via his mobile, not a landline. He does usually answer tbh but gets cross with me for ringing and is very brief.
  • He is not with O2 so I can't track the phone on bluebook. Have looked around for a 2nd phone but not found one. Normally he deletes all texts anyway.

Will think about the other options suggested.

What is my gut feeling? I want to believe that all of this is innocent on his part. But I do not think it is. I don't think he wants to leave me (at the moment, anyway). I think he wants to have his cake and eat it, as it were.

But I am sure that if asked he would deny everything, so I don't want to confront him about it without some evidence at least.

OP posts:
HappyWoman · 05/08/2009 23:58

good luck - do try and get as much evidence as you can before you confront him as he will never tell you the whole truth.

I dont think he wants to leave you either but that he also doesnt want to put the work in to making it a good marriage for you too. And he may well perfer you to 'kick him out' men are often too weak to actually take the responsibility for ending the marriage and would rather do something so awful so you will have to end it.

Believe that gut feeling - there is a reason you are feeling nervous and it sounds as if he is not doing everything he can to reassure you.

Why is he only contactable on his mobile at night - that is very odd.

Good luck and hope you find the truth soon.

bobblehead · 06/08/2009 04:27

Some of his behaviour sounds much like my H's. He also has depression and is an addict and alcoholic. The late at work thing is very similar, it was only when he started disappearing for weekend benders I really realised the extent of his alcohol problem.

I also found alot of dating sites etc on the computer, and while he did give out his phone no. and suggest meetings I do think it was pure fantasy (while under the influence). He did however take up with a very questionable woman who told me they were sleeping together, but tbh I'm not sure I believe it. She was just an enabler to his "habits" where I wouldn't be.

The motto I've learned to live by is "everything becomes clear in time" and while its frustrating not to know NOW, it doesn't sound as if he is particularly covering his tracks, so if there is anything to discover, you will likely discover it whether you want to or not.

bobblehead · 06/08/2009 04:28

Oh yes, and I definately second what evryone says... BELIEVE THAT GUT FEELING!!!!!

missmama · 06/08/2009 06:21

you can install a programme on the computer that will track everything that is typed and accessed and also take photos of the screen at set intervals. It is really easy and totally discrete. But you do have to prepare yourself as to what you might learn.

Original poster
NameChangedObviously · 07/08/2009 22:41

Thanks for the tips and support.

What is the name of the computer program you can install? Although not sure I should - as if we do end up splitting up, would I only remember the stuff from the computer and not all the good years we had? Would it make me a sad and bitter lady? What I really want to know is Is he cheating on me Yes/No. I don't really want the details except as insofar as they help me answer that question.

Am also thinking of getting a phone SIM Card Reader in case that will show up his deleted texts.

He is not home yet tonight. But he was really nice to me when I phoned him just now.

Now am in agonies of doubt over whether I am just being paranoid!!!!

OP posts: