Advice on DH cheating, I'm pregnant, and confused about my marriage.

[Scorps]

I'm going to try to tell you everything at once, so sorry if long.

Family background: I am 24, DH is 26. We have been together over 6 years, married for 1.7 years. We have 2dc together, and each have a child with someone else. So living with us is my ds1 (7), ds2 (4) and dd, 15 months. I am 20 weeks pg and due on Xmas day this year. We are comfortably off, and I'm a SAHM who is taking time off from my degree to have my last babies.

Yesterday, i discovered through a phone bill (which i have full access to as i manage our finances)that DH has been having an affair with a 19 year old girl who lives locally. We shall call her C. DH has known C for a while, he is friends with her brother. I am aware that she has flattered him before. DH is an attractive man - 6'3, very dark and toned from thai boxing (he fights, is ranked in UK and trains nearly daily).

The texts were fairly incrimanting themselves, after i found his phone. He had said he couldnt wait to see her again, did she have the house to herself (C lives with her parents), etc.

I told him he could tell me the truth, and have a possibility of marriage counselling etc, or lie and go now. He said he had met her in town in March after a thai boxing show, and had got her number. He then went to Thailand for 3 weeks to train (me home with kids)and met her on his return. He has been lying that he has been out with mates, fishing, training etc to pick her up in our car or van, and he has admitted to snogging her, the last time he met her was 4 weeks ago; i was 16 weeks. He says no sex or sexual contact, no oral sex.

DH met a woman in october 08 after a boxing show, very sexual texts to her, but i have since moved on from this. He was issued an ultimatam then that if he did anything again he would be single.

Things have been hard here; i had a mc in Feb and got pg again instantly, but that brought me alot of worry. i have been exhausted and sick this preganacy and have only for the last 4 weeks felt normal. We have always had an active sex life and this has been been consistent throughout. I feel i look after myself, i'm slim and make an effort daily with clothing, make up and things. I am very free rein with DH, he has a few hobbies, access to money for these and goes on a lot of outings with friends.

Anyway, i have told him to leave, he is not sleeping here, and we are discussing further on Saturday evening. I am very easily swayed by him you see, and i needed space to think clearly.

I take my marriage vows very seriously and have never cheated, i rarely speak to men actually. I am confused as to the better or worse part of my vows; i dont know if im expected to work through this becuase my vows have said for worse too, but they also said forsaking all others and he ignored that. I wonder how i will ever trust him again, if our lives will ever be normal again.

I am very cross and upset and tbh, just very shocked. I'm not too sure what to do, and tbh feel a bit 'young' and not world worthy enough iyswim to know whats right or wrong, we are talking about a marriage. I hope this has all made a bit of sense.

Aw scorps, what an awful situation for you

For me this would be a deal breaker. He is consistent, that he has always cheated and has continued to do so. No man is ever going to turn around and say "ok, I might cheat on you if the opportunity arises".....they will always say "Oh, I'm so sorry, this will never happen again, you're the one I love". Why? Because they want it all, they are sorry when they have been caught but they're not sorry the whole time they're sneaking off behind your back. And the 'being sorry' only lasts till the next time.

You sound like you have lots of fantastic support around you and that is a great thing, soak it up.

He can be a father but why should you let him go to the scan? I wouldn't dignify him with this TBH, he needs to see that you mean business. The fact that he was doing this whilst you were going thru a traumatic MC would say to me that he really doesn't deserve to go to the scan. He wasn't supportive then, so why now? It obviously is up to you though.

You sound far too nice for him. And by that, I don't mean that he is a bad person, I just mean that you give him LOADS more in terms of faith and support than he has given you.

here here HolyGuac.

expat - i think if he really wanted to he could change. He may just not have valued what he has enough to make that change.

But i also do think that it is possible for people to change - the fact that he has done it before may indicate that he truly does not value this relationship and maybe he will never change - only he can know that.

I have to admit that him having done it before and knowing what would happen would be a deal breaker for me too though.
The risk for me would be ' he still did it knowing what would happen next time and yet he still went ahead regaudless' To forgive again would in my mind always leave doubt which is hard to live with - i still find it hard some days.

Hi Scorps, I'm sorry you having to go through this again.
From what you've said he hasn't tried to hide the 'affair' and part of me wonders why.

I think the biggest thing is will you be able to trust him again. Even if you both have counseling.

I'm sure you have many different emotions going on, take your time and only when you are ready make your decisions.

As for the scan well that's your call you have said you have a good friend going with you,so you won't be alone.

I have been with my friend all day. I'm still feeling so confused.

oh scorps

i am so so so sorry and hoping this was not you

i did not know he had cheated on his ex too, multiple times

i don't thikn he knows how to be faithful

listen to expat .

you take your vows seriously, you take the marriage seriously, you don;t want to be divorced , but it takes two to make it work

he does not want the same thing as you

a man who cheats on the mother of his children whislt she is pregnant is not really a man

she i presume knows he is married? she is a nasty piece of work too

also, you gave him an ultimatum back in october. you will lose all your power if you don;t stick to it as he knows you won't stick to your word.

if you give an utlimatum , you have to stick to it

the fact he has cheated on his previous partner and is now doing the same to you speaks volumes

thAnkyou lulu sorry cant type much more i cant see for tears

i want to smoke but dont wanna hurt my baby

oh dear

do you have your friend with you still? you should not be on your own.

don't smoke, you'll just feel worse later.

have you eaten anything?

gutted for you.

im on my own now yes. i wont smoke i cant go out anyway.

i have had cereal and soup and juice today and my multi pg vit. im going to have beans and toast in a sec

ok

keep posting if you feel like, or maybe a big bath and an early night

scorps - I don't think we have ever "talked " before but I wanted to say you sound absolutely lovely with your head screwed on and you sound very strong.

Do what feels right for you.

I took someone back who had hit me for my own reasons and everyone was shocked. I then kicked him out 2 weeks later but at least I knew I had tried and it was my decision.

You need to listen to your head and your heart as you know your h more than we do.

Stay strong.

my ex cheated on me when i was pregnant and stayed with his ex in edinburgh. I found out and then waited 3 months and asked him very calmly to leave on april the 1st.
I had the last laugh.

it still hurts but i dont believe in second chances, cos they will do it again

Scorps, I haven't posted on our post natal thread for a while but I've been lurking about a fair bit.

I remember when we were waiting for the DDs to be born that your DH was being a 'knobber' - your word. I can't remember what for.

Then he buggered off to Thailand when Mimi was still tiny and that seemed pretty selfish at the time.

I also remember October and being appalled for you.

Did I remember correctly that he pursued you when you were with your ex who happened to be his best mate? He just seems like a serial dick.

You have always conducted yourself with such stength and I have no doubt that you will cope with the new baby - it seems to me that you have managed pretty much on your own since Mimi was born what with all the Thai boxing and such.

So sorry you are going through all of this. What an utter twat.

scorps - Having a newborn and other children is much, much easier without a partner. It is more lonely, but much, much easier, especially if the X treated you badly. A newborn is much less emotionally demanding than a partner and it'll be one less person for you to consider in everything you do.

I'm sorry for your situation, everyone is right - it is him that is lacking not you. The shame you'll feel on ending your marriage is nothing compared to the damage keeping yourself and your DCs in an unhealthy environment will cause. Trust yourself to choose wisely for your DCs. From how you've conducted yourself on here, with dignity and honesty, I'm sure you're more than equipped to come to the right decision whatever that may be.

didn't mean you should feel ashamed if that's what you decide to do btw! Just that it is natural to feel it, don't worry. It is not shameful.

Scorps - so sorry to hear what's been happening I don't know if you're aware but I went through something similar last February when I discovered that h had been shagging a work colleague every so often for a year. I was also pg when he was playing away - though went on to lose that baby. I can imagine what you are going through. It's hard enough anyway, but being pregant as well ............soooo tough
It's a terribly difficult dilemma you are faced with; sling him out and deal with the sense of loss and sadness - and splitting up of the family, or try to work things out but with the painful bereavement of the relationship you once had. I couldn't possibly advise you what to do but I will tell you what I did. Initially I told him to fuck off - he wouldn't go. I spent the first fortnight calling him all the names under the sun and ignoring him the rest of the time. I made him go to the Clap Clinic even though he said he used condoms - and i went with him for the results (clear thank god). Eventually I decided to give our relationship another chance and we went for counselling. It was painful, hard but worthwhile. We've now got another dc and things are good between us. There are no second chances though.........this is it now.
Glad you are getting lots of support from your friends - so important. You've got my email address so mail me if you want to rant/vent. Big hugs x