Advice on DH cheating, I'm pregnant, and confused about my marriage.

[Scorps]

I'm going to try to tell you everything at once, so sorry if long.

Family background: I am 24, DH is 26. We have been together over 6 years, married for 1.7 years. We have 2dc together, and each have a child with someone else. So living with us is my ds1 (7), ds2 (4) and dd, 15 months. I am 20 weeks pg and due on Xmas day this year. We are comfortably off, and I'm a SAHM who is taking time off from my degree to have my last babies.

Yesterday, i discovered through a phone bill (which i have full access to as i manage our finances)that DH has been having an affair with a 19 year old girl who lives locally. We shall call her C. DH has known C for a while, he is friends with her brother. I am aware that she has flattered him before. DH is an attractive man - 6'3, very dark and toned from thai boxing (he fights, is ranked in UK and trains nearly daily).

The texts were fairly incrimanting themselves, after i found his phone. He had said he couldnt wait to see her again, did she have the house to herself (C lives with her parents), etc.

I told him he could tell me the truth, and have a possibility of marriage counselling etc, or lie and go now. He said he had met her in town in March after a thai boxing show, and had got her number. He then went to Thailand for 3 weeks to train (me home with kids)and met her on his return. He has been lying that he has been out with mates, fishing, training etc to pick her up in our car or van, and he has admitted to snogging her, the last time he met her was 4 weeks ago; i was 16 weeks. He says no sex or sexual contact, no oral sex.

DH met a woman in october 08 after a boxing show, very sexual texts to her, but i have since moved on from this. He was issued an ultimatam then that if he did anything again he would be single.

Things have been hard here; i had a mc in Feb and got pg again instantly, but that brought me alot of worry. i have been exhausted and sick this preganacy and have only for the last 4 weeks felt normal. We have always had an active sex life and this has been been consistent throughout. I feel i look after myself, i'm slim and make an effort daily with clothing, make up and things. I am very free rein with DH, he has a few hobbies, access to money for these and goes on a lot of outings with friends.

Anyway, i have told him to leave, he is not sleeping here, and we are discussing further on Saturday evening. I am very easily swayed by him you see, and i needed space to think clearly.

I take my marriage vows very seriously and have never cheated, i rarely speak to men actually. I am confused as to the better or worse part of my vows; i dont know if im expected to work through this becuase my vows have said for worse too, but they also said forsaking all others and he ignored that. I wonder how i will ever trust him again, if our lives will ever be normal again.

I am very cross and upset and tbh, just very shocked. I'm not too sure what to do, and tbh feel a bit 'young' and not world worthy enough iyswim to know whats right or wrong, we are talking about a marriage. I hope this has all made a bit of sense.

Scorps, so sorry that you are going thru all this
Let me know if there's anything you need - even a (virtual) shoulder to cry on or an ear to vent into, any time x

Oh Scorpio I'm so sorry Have no real words of wisdom to add to what's already been said but you certainly don't need this right now (or at any time!).

Please don't believe the 'no sex, only snogging' line. Next he will tell you that, ok, they did have oral sex, and then he will give you the truth.

You sound lovely, if a little naive, and you deserve so much more. FWIW, I am overweight and my h won't have sex with me because of it, but he would NEVER stray for it as he has morals. Keeping yourself slim and attractive does not mean that a man won't stray .

If he says he he has only snogged this girl then why is he sending her texts asking if she has her house to herself? Awful situation for you but you sound strong enough to deal with it and ensure you do what is necessary to look after yourself and your dcs.

Dior i do feel naive, i had a very secure upbringing which was some what sheltered i think, and i think this leads to my feelings of 'youngness'.

Expat - i fully intend to get a screening, my baby means the world to me and i will do whatever i have to for his/her health.

Sorry, I didn't mean to patronise you. I do think that you need to make a decision though. Accept that he will never be loyal or get him to go. One thing is for sure, men like him don't change.

Am i being unfair on the 20 week scan?

Scorps, I expected you to say the opposite actually because if he has so little respect for you that he would cheat on you I would have assumed that this would've shown in other areas of your relationship too.

He gets alot of 'me' time though, do you?

Like the other have said though, he is not cheating because of anything you have done or not done, he is cheating because he is a cheat and that is his attitude towards women.

How do you think he would react if the shoe were on the other foot?

No, you're not being unfair. He is. By cheating again and again on everyone. He's a serial liar and cheat. He cheated on his ex whilst she was pregnant. He cheated on you. He'll cheat on the next one.

If i cheated on him, he would leave me instantly, with no time for any explanation.

The MW is seeing me tomorrow, for a screening. I just spoke to her and i have to go to clinic tomorrow. I am so cross, i hate giving blood and now i have to because of him.

Scorps, I saw it on FB. I am so so sorry

If you want to give it another go with him then make sure you go to relate or other relationship counselling.

If I was in your shoes then I would certainly get full screening for STI's etc. I imagine the thought of being alone with a new born is terrifying.

He hasn't just cheated on you though, he has also cheated on those beautiful children you share.

Whatever you choose to do it has to be your decision. Don't be swayed by him, your family and friends or us on MN. Do what you want to do.

No you are 100% not being unfair re the 20 week scan.

He is not going to change imo. He will say all the right things and possibly even have good intentions for a while but he will not change.

I know its probably hard for you to reconcile in your mind that this man, the father of your children, whom you love and who treats you well in other ways is also this person who has no respect for your marriage or indeed you or your children BUT you need to try and make that link. Stop worrying about him and how he feels. He has forsaken all rights to being considered imo.

I am married, been with dh since I was 19 etc too. My parents have been together 38 years and divorce is pretty inconceivable to me too. that said, marriage vows and your commitment to them do not and should not give him free reign to do whatever he likes. He probably knows you think / feel like this and is willing to take the risk because of that.

He has cheated whilst you are at home with his children and whilst you are pregnant - that is wholly unforgiveable in my eyes. I know that it will make things difficult for you if you split both financially and otherwise BUT think how you'll feel in 5/10/15/20 years time if he is still behaving this way and think how your kids will feel too.

In the end, I only know what youve posted here and the decision is ultimately yours to take. I hope that if you do decide to stay with him then he changes and becomes the man he promised to be and you thought he was. I hope you all find happiness one way or the other.

PS dont blame yourself and dont let him even hint that it is in some way your fault. None of this is your fault and low self esteem isnt a reason either.

Very sorry to read your posts.
I agree you are not being unfair re the scan, he doesn't deserve to be there.

DO you have family or close friends you can call on to help you with the DCs and new baby? I woudl also be anxious about life with a newborn on my own but I think the alternative isnt great either.

It will be hard to respect your DH after what he has done.

Just wanted to say I completely agree with Kayzr - dont be swayed by anyone at all as to what is the right decision, only you will ever know that.

Hope it all works out

The only way he will change is if he wants to - really wants to.
For whatever reason he has not learnt to treat woman better - poeple around him have 'allowed' him to do this - but i still do think he can change - he is young and maybe if you give him the shock of his life (and you and the children really do mean the world to him), he will find a way to change.

I too do think it is nothing to do with you and he does it because he can - he probably never thinks it will stop him having the life he thinks he deserves - and no-one has ever stopped him having his own way up til now.

good luck - and you are not being mean about the 20week scan - could you take him and your friend so he will not miss out. You need to think about you and the baby for a while and please dont be rushed into any decision at the moment.

So sorry that you are having to go through this when you are pregnant. It's not your fault at all. He obviously has issues but the other posters are right that you deserve better.

i would however think very carefully about not taking him to the scan. He may have forefeited his rights to be a husband but he is still the father. Whatever happens now between the two of you I'm sure you will want him involved with the kids and it is important that he bonds with the baby too. unless it is just too upsetting for you to have him there of course.

hugs

So very sorry Scorps about your situation. You sound like an incredibly strong, level headed person and clearly do not deserve this (does anyone)? I agree with all the other posts and have nothing to add that hasn't already been said. In a nutshell though, you are NOT being unreasonable about the scan. He gave up any rights when he was "snogging" the OW.

I really feel for you and know how terrified you must be about having a newborn on your own, but what's the other option? Being with a man who you will struggle to trust again. You sound as though your mum and dad are very supportive so maybe for the short term you could move in with them (or they move in with you)? I understand the financial worries, but at the end of the day he will be legally obliged to support you. OK, it may be tough at first, but as I said, what's the alternative?
I wish you lots of luck and send a big electronic hug xx

Mum & Dad are very supportive; moving in with them or tem here is not rreally an option - no room here, but there house is all white carpets etc and i wouldnt feel rested there with the dc, really. They have said they will do whatever i want, day or night. They are not disappointed in me for being apart and Dad says that H was very wrong indeed.

I am in two minds about the scan; he is the father, but then again we are obviously so important, as he continued seeing her when i told him of my pregnancy. Even through my tears of being so scared of mc again, he was seeing her.

Happy - his Dad had pretty much constant affairs as he was growing up - his Mum stayed everytime, and even took him back one time when he moved in with OW.

Sorry you are going through this.

You say 'He has been lying that he has been out with mates, fishing, training etc'. So you know he is capeable of lying to you.

Please go and get your own sexual health checked out don't wait for him to go and be screened.

You are pregnant you need to know now what risks there may be to yourself and the child you carry.

As others have said this is not something that you have caused, he is a cheater, he has done it before with you and others.

I am however different on one point, I do think people who cheat can change, but it can't happen over night. If he is serious then he will need to undergo threapy to address this. He needs to move out and work on his inside of just the outside.

Whilst this is happening you need to get on with your life. How easy is it for me to say that !!!
By the time has worked out his issues, its gonna be a long time, the chances are that you won't want him back as you will be happy. If you decide at that point you want him back then so be it.

You need to make decisions and stick to them. At the moment you will be going through a grieving period for the life you thought you were going to ahve.

With regards to the scan, only you can make that decision. It would be very difficult to be there with him and not feel terrible, however how are you going to feel if he's not there?

sorry, their house

Xales - i am being screened tomorrow, my baby's health is of utmost importance to me.

Good luck with that, I hope you are all clear.

I do too think he could change - my h had an affair - and actully i think it was in his make-up to have one iyswim.

He did it because he could and never really thought i would find out (there were obviously problems with is way of thinking ).
He had always been a bit of a flirt and looking back there were signs that he did not give me the respect i deserved during our marriage. He would have continued with this behaviour if i had 'allowed' it.

The massive shock he needed was him leaving and then later realising that i would actually have a life without him - he saw me boost my self esteem and he found it hard to let me go (even though he had f**d up the marriage).
He did get himself some help and we are now still working on our marriage 3 years later. Its not easy and its not a gaurantee that we will stay together forever but so far things are ok.

BTW my h had a very spoilt upbringing as an only child with his mother, so thought he could have anything he wanted.

I am a sonographer - and would urge you to think about the scan - it is not just a look at the baby it is a medical scan and you need to think who would want there IF there were problems - who you would want to support you if you needed it.

'I do too think he could change - my h had an affair - and actully i think it was in his make-up to have one iyswim.'

Happy, he's a serial cheater. He's cheated on her more than once. He cheated on his ex whilst she was pregnant, over and over and over again.