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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

No point to anything anymore :o(

27 replies

screwedupbigtime · 01/08/2009 08:22

Name says it all really. This is going to be long but I would appreciate anything from anyone.

DH and I have been married nearly 15 years, been together for 19. DD 12, DS 5. Very up and down relationship, he was brought up in a home whether the mother did everything and he has alot of that in him (whether by choice or imbred who knows) so alot of arguments have been about that over the years, he's not the most affectionate of people although he's always said he loves me greatly. Many times over the years I've threatened to leave and take the children more as a cry for help than a 'I'm actually going to do this'. Tried relate but tbh neither of us are talkers and money so tight couldn't really afford it.

Come forward to this time last year, I had a fling, wrong yes but I wanted someone to show they liked me (and yes I realise now that this isn't the way to do it). DH found out, shit hit the fan, didn't chuck me out carried on through it but with the normal arguing and bickering etc.

Come forward again to 2 days ago (my birthday ) DH asks for a divorce says he can't trust me a) if I'm not doing anything I shouldn't be then its not fair on me and b) if I am its not fair on him. I'm not doing anything

I'm in shock, I feel sick. Although we've struggled to live together I honestly don't think I can live without him. At the moment I feel like suicide is the only option and I really worry for myself.

Yes I know I was stupid and yes I know I can't blame him but I just dont see the point of anything now and don't know what to do.

OP posts:
PinkChick · 01/08/2009 08:29

sorry i have no educated advice, but bumping for you, please dont do anything silly, you have your two boys there.x

wheniwishuponastar · 01/08/2009 08:33

Can you ring the samaritans? they will be really helpful.

DutchOma · 01/08/2009 08:38

He asked for a divorce on your birthday? What wonderful timing.

saintlydamemrsturnip · 01/08/2009 08:40

I know it's scary but do you think you could potentially be happier apart?

Original poster
screwedupbigtime · 01/08/2009 08:44

I really don't know if could be happier apart it scares the living cr*p out of me. My sister who I am VERY close to tells me we would be but the thought of it makes me feel sick. In fact have felt sick permenantly for last two days.

DH pointed out last night that we have been together so long that by the time we equal that with other people we'd be in our 50s. I just want to die.

OP posts:
Unlikelyamazonian · 01/08/2009 08:48

How old are you? You have two dcs and can't possibly do anything silly as it would damage them hugely.

Your H sounds very hard to live with and as for asking for a divorce on your birthday, that stinks frankly.

You think you can't live without him? Why? It doesn't sound the happiest of marriages and he seems to spend his time either blaming you or now punishing you.

Wrong to have a fling yes, but did he look inward at himself when it happened? Ask himself what he wasn't giving to you and try to change it?

I am sorry you are in this dark place but honestly, if he wants a divorce then perhaps you could investigate your options anyway - see a solicitor (thirty minutes free advice) and talk rationally with him about who would leave and seeing the dcs. Is he bluffing? Was it said in anger? Had you had a row?

Your marriage sounds like it needs a major overhaul even if you do remain together.

Do not do anything silly, Pleeeeeas. Can you go and stay with friends/family for a couple of days and get some outside RL perspective?

DutchOma · 01/08/2009 08:51

Please sweetheart, forget about suicide, there's nothing that will screw your children for ever more than that. Things can be sorted, but it will need a bit of time. How about agreeing to not talk about it for the weekend, to just do what you would always do and then to have a calm discussion on Sunday evening.

If I understand you right he has been chewing over this 'fling' of yours for a year and now all of a sudden he says he wants a divorce?

Your sister may be right, you say yourself you have threatened to leave, albeit somewhat half heartedly, you may be happier apart, but it needs to come out the realm of: I just want to die, because that it just not an option.

Unlikelyamazonian · 01/08/2009 08:53

Of course it scares the crap out of you. That is a quite normal thought. But supposing he got run over by a bus tomorrow, would you just lie down and die or would you somehow get through? If you are very close to your sister you are very lucky as you would have tremendous support from someone who loves you.

My husband vanished just over a year ago (ran away abroad). He might as well have died. I had a 6 month old baby and no money. It was absolutely terrible. It nearly killed me but it didn't. I am here today, happy, and my son is a joy.

When are you going to talk about this with him? make a time with him to sit down, without the DCs around, and try and have a proper conversation. Stay calm.

ellagrace · 01/08/2009 09:00

To be honest it sounds like he wants to punish you - asking for a divorce on your birthday? Not exactly caring is it? And it doesn't sound like this has been a happy marriage for you.

But of course when you've been with someone a long time and haven't had to manage on your own it is terrifying to be faced with that much change and the great unknown.

All i can tell you is that the women i know who've been through this have yes had a hard time getting through the transition but all of them without fail have been a million times happier on the other side and end up knowing it was best thing that ever happened to them.

You are in the pits right now, this has just happened, dreadful shock and extremely hurtful in the timing which can only be deliberate. Yes you did something 'wrong' but it is also your husband who has failed to be able to forgive - two people in this. You're bound to feel awful now but try to keep the perspective that this has just happened and you're in the bad stage but there will be light ahead.

You deserve not just to survive without rocking the boat but to be happy. Maybe there's no way to that expect through this rocky road - who knows what's on the other side for you.

Keep posting x

Original poster
screwedupbigtime · 01/08/2009 10:16

I have just turned 34 years old and have never lived on my own, met DH when I was 15 been together since then, moved in together when I was 17 and that is it. Although to be fair I do majority of childrearing and everything now on my own its just the comfort of having someone else around. I also live next door to my inlaws and I think they will be devastated.

I'm have very supportive employers, I work for a lettings agency (I'm their finance gal) and they have secured me a house if I want it which would be suitable.

DH and I have had issues for years but I so wanted it to work I really did, my parents split up and my father didn't want me and I really didn't want to do this to my own two children who mean the world to me. I feel like I have failed in a big way.

OP posts:
ellagrace · 01/08/2009 10:22

You did make a mistake but he's ending the marriage. You're not your parents, hopefully your partner will still want a relationship with his children plus it's a totally different world now as in how it feels and how unusual/usual it is to have seperated parents plus i'm sure you can do a great job of helping them through the split.

You have the perfect job situation, a house lined up and to be honest on the other side of the shit-storm i think you have your whole life ahead of you and a grand adventure to live! And you're only 34, both kids at school? Life is going to open up like a treasure box!

Sorry for being so positive - i'll be the counterweight for the panic and despair!

MadameCastafiore · 01/08/2009 10:31

Look your kids in the eye and then you think of what a normal relationship is to them.

YOUR FUCKED UP, UNHAPPY RELATIONSHIP IS WHAT IS NORMAL TO THEM. (Sorry trying to make a point here)

And then you ask yourself if you would want that for them, if you would want their emotional life to be so unfullfilled that they go off and seek affection somewhere else.

Then you get that house through work and you find someone who adores you and who treats you like a queen and let your kids see what a normal, happy, healthy, relationship is all about.

Original poster
screwedupbigtime · 01/08/2009 10:34

You carry on ellagrace I need some positiveness because at the moment it all feels like shite.

Both children are at school - DS just going into year 1, DD going into year 8, this is another problem. DD has a music scholarship to a private school alot of miles away from where DS is. Currently MIL meets DS off of the school bus (which he will no longer be eligible for if we move) as I go to collect DD. DD will have to weekly board as a) won't be able to afford the fuel and b) can't be in two places at the same time. Luckily she has mentioned wanting to board for some time but I don't want her to feel pushed out.

I just want someone to love me (

OP posts:
Original poster
screwedupbigtime · 01/08/2009 10:42

hmm that face wasn't meant to be grinning quite inanely was meant to be a sad one

OP posts:
MadameCastafiore · 01/08/2009 11:01

You deserve someone to love you properly though, not this bloody archaic me tarzan, you jane set up.

RumourOfAHurricane · 01/08/2009 11:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
screwedupbigtime · 01/08/2009 11:19

I don't think talking is going to get us anywhere, he has made his decision and that is it.

I am going to my mum's later she is the queen of moving and lists and all sorts. Am going to go through the finance side and take it from there.

I just feel so SICK.

OP posts:
RumourOfAHurricane · 01/08/2009 11:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

IsItMeOr · 01/08/2009 12:15

Hold on in there. You sound like you are doing all the right things, in terms of sorting out an option for somewhere else to live, and thinking about how you could make things work for your DCs' schools and the finance side.

I totally understand why you feel physically sick right now. It is a long time ago for me, but I can remember splitting up from P after 5 years together who, like you, was my first serious boyfriend, and I honestly thought I was losing my mind. But it was absolutely the right thing to do, and as MadameCastafiore says, my DH treats me like a queen. Hope that you will find this too, but for now you just need to keep strong for yourself and your DCs.

lowrib · 01/08/2009 12:46

It is so difficult to imagine yourself with another person or happy single for a while when you have been with someone for so long - even if the relationship is totally dysfunctional.

My exP and I stayed together IMO 5 years longer than we should have done basically because we thought we were meant to be together. (We were together 10 years in total) When we eventually split up, another serious relationship seemed unimaginable. And it took a little while to start feeling like me again. But time passed, and I did, more and more. I look on those dysfunctional 5 years as wasted time completely now.

These days that relationship is a different memory, and I couldn't imagine myself still in it! I have a lovely DP and DS and and am very happy .

Give yourself a break, it's pretty normal to feel like you can't imagine life without him. But that doesn't mean there isn't a happy, healthy, life waiting for you out there which suits you much better than this one.

lowrib · 01/08/2009 12:48

Most important IMO trust that things will get better with time, it will hurt less I promise.

Original poster
screwedupbigtime · 02/08/2009 07:18

I have spoken to DD now (not sure if I've already posted this) she is quite happy seeing it as an adventure. DH told MIL and she doesn't want FIL told yet which means I can't say anything to DS.

I can't stop crying, I begged him not to make me leave but he doesn't want to know. I feel so unwanted and feel no point in anything. I don't know if I'm strong enough for this, feel like leaving the children with DH and just disappearing.

OP posts:
BonsoirAnna · 02/08/2009 07:26

If your DH wants a divorce and you don't, he should be the one doing the leaving. Don't leave your family home as you will not put yourself in a good position financially and for residency of the children. Stay put and tell your DH that if he wants to end the marriage, he must leave.

But I think you two should try Relate first.

Original poster
screwedupbigtime · 02/08/2009 07:47

We went to relate but they were charging so much we couldn't keep affording to go plus couldn't find someone regularly to look after the children.

I think perhaps I should just accept it but I'm struggling. i just spoke to MIL (first time since DH told her) and she's under the impression he'll miss us and want us back. Everyone irl tells me this is for the best but why can't I see it?

We both work pretty much full time. I do all the housework, all the childcare pretty much everything. He got up, went to work came home to cooked meal, kind of supervised DS going to bed then sat on his pc all evening. Its not really enough for a marriage is it? (Just trying to convince myself there is a positive here).

The house was left to DH by his grandmother, I don't want him to lose it, we do have a mortgage on it and its in both names but he is far more entitled to it than I am plus its mid work that I don't want to have to sort out.

I think i'm grieving for the lost years in my life. That sounds pathetic doesn't it.

OP posts:
BonsoirAnna · 02/08/2009 08:09

It sounds as if your DH has never grown up and left home: he lives in a house next door to his parents, left to him by his grandmother, and you do all the chores and childcare.

You aren't doing him any favours at all by not making his life a bit less cushy! How will he learn to stand on his own two feet if you leave him where he is?