No point to anything anymore :o(

[screwedupbigtime]

Name says it all really. This is going to be long but I would appreciate anything from anyone.

DH and I have been married nearly 15 years, been together for 19. DD 12, DS 5. Very up and down relationship, he was brought up in a home whether the mother did everything and he has alot of that in him (whether by choice or imbred who knows) so alot of arguments have been about that over the years, he's not the most affectionate of people although he's always said he loves me greatly. Many times over the years I've threatened to leave and take the children more as a cry for help than a 'I'm actually going to do this'. Tried relate but tbh neither of us are talkers and money so tight couldn't really afford it.

Come forward to this time last year, I had a fling, wrong yes but I wanted someone to show they liked me (and yes I realise now that this isn't the way to do it). DH found out, shit hit the fan, didn't chuck me out carried on through it but with the normal arguing and bickering etc.

Come forward again to 2 days ago (my birthday ) DH asks for a divorce says he can't trust me a) if I'm not doing anything I shouldn't be then its not fair on me and b) if I am its not fair on him. I'm not doing anything

I'm in shock, I feel sick. Although we've struggled to live together I honestly don't think I can live without him. At the moment I feel like suicide is the only option and I really worry for myself.

Yes I know I was stupid and yes I know I can't blame him but I just dont see the point of anything now and don't know what to do.

No, it doesn't sound pathetic at all. And grieving is part of the process. I found the Relate book about relationship breakdown very helpful (can't remember the proper title and have lent the book to a friend in the same position as you).

In terms of the practicality of living, you need somewhere for you and your children to live. The advice I had was not to leave the family home. However, I did leave (he wouldn't and I couldn't stay) and it didn't affect my financial settlement in the end, but it was against my solicitor's advice. Your DH is no more entitled to anything than you are. The practical thing to do is to get some legal advice so that you know what you are looking at as a potential final settlement/entitlements etc.

Are you feeling guilty for the fling? Are you feeling guilty for not being able to make the relationship work? What is his role in the relationship? ie what is/was his contribution towards making it work?

What would be the reasons for wanting to stay in this relationship, if you do want to stay in it? I grieved for a long time about the breakdown in my relationship with my husband. What had I done to make it go bad? what could I have done to make it better? Well, we could have taked,for one, by talking implies dialogue between at least two people and he preferred telepathy. He is still maintaining that we had a strong relationship - we didn't, he got all his own way because that made my life easier. I did the housework, the childcare, the cooking. The only thing I didn't do was mow the lawn because I "didn't do it properly".

There is life after a split. I wish I had left my ex a decade ago. Looking back, I feel that I wasted my 30s (I am 42) on someone I could never please because there was always room for improvement (his words). But I stayed because I wanted to be the kind of person he could love. It was an impossible dream and I turned into someone I didn't like very much. I also believe that I clung onto what I was used to. My day had a rhythm to it - get up, get DD ready, go to work, pick DD up, make tea, go to bed, do same again the next day. That rhythm stopped the day I left and it was very strange to be without it. It is very liberating to be without the structure I used to live with, but it has taken me a while to get used to my new life.

As an aside, one of your posts has you saying that you want someone to love you. A while ago, my sister signed me up for a dating newsletter-type thing (Oh how I laughed). It was pretty annoying (I have unsubscribed!) - something about dating without drama, but it was too much like dating with lots of game-playing. I'm not telling you this so that you can start dating.... about the only sane thing that this newsletter said was that no matter what, there is always someone in your life with whom you can have an enjoyable date any time you feel like and that is yourself. Love yourself, you are a loveable person.

hmm actually i think the children are most entitled to the home maybe? it's their home regardless of money, value, who left it to who. that's their home. if he wants out on the marriage and being a resident parent then he will have to move out of his children's home surely? that may seem incredibly tough but why should his children who are going to have to go through a divorce for his right to leave the marriage have to also go through the upheaval of a move for him?

i would actually slow down on this and give yourself time and put out the possibility to him that you dont know if you should move out because there will be enough change for the children without them having to move too and that for their sakes he should consider whether he should move. doesn't mean he loses the house after all. divorce proceeding would require him to sell it as joint property if you weren't living in it anyway i think?

sorry this is all practical stuff not very helpful to how you are feeling but do try hold off on acting for now - further down the line you could regret hasty actions taken whilst feeling down and guilty and not very entitled to be proactive or assertive.

hang in there.