Tired- the more I read from you, the more I just KNOW you're going to find that book helpful.
My situation was: my DH had an affair last year after 24 years of marriage. Had never happened before. Was always completely defined by work and had two bad knockbacks and hated his then job. Woman he used to work with got in touch out of the blue via work E mail. They started secret, but fairly innocent correspondence, all the while she was claiming to be happily married. She filled his head with how wonderful he was, how handsome he was and how every woman they used to work with had fancied him and this must have been like nectar to him, as he was by that time much greyer and fatter!
He says he felt he couldn't tell me about it, because I had always been extremely wary of this woman. She had made overt attempts to get him to have an affair with her years previously, which he turned down. Despite this, I'd say we were the least possessive or jealous couple we knew. In truth, we were just bloody complacent.
He (like your DH) would have rathered pulled teeth than talk about any problems in our relationship. I can see now that I stopped trying to an extent to resolve some of our issues, because after 24 years of trying to get him to change, I thought that he couldn't. Despite this, I would have said at that time that we were very happy, but we didn't have anything like the wondeful marriage that we have now. One of the things I have learned is that affairs do happen in happy marriages.
My DH (like yours) has never been a great "friend maker" or "keeper" for that matter. He is on the surface the most gregarious, sociable character, but I always felt he wasn't really terribly interested in other people. Almost all of our many friends over the years have been made by me, but nevertheless, these people dearly love DH because he is a very kind man who in the past showed his affection for people by doing things for them, rather than by talking to them.
Over the course of about 10 months, OW repeatedly asked whether he would meet up with her. He kept saying no.
This woman had also constantly played the victim card. She left 5 places of work to my certain knowledge because of unfounded allegations of bullying and was always making spurious complaints about people. She then started telling my DH how unhappily married she was. My DH saw himself as a "rescuer" and believed all this nonsense.
He agreed to meet her and I have finally got him to admit, that he told himself that as she'd done the chasing, he wasn't as responsible. At the point of agreeing to meet her, she then very explicitly told him what she would like to do with him at that meeting and he agreed.
He told himself that this was going to be a bit of escapism and fun, something that wouldn't harm us, as I'd never find out. He knew this woman was just froth and he says he never, ever wanted to leave me or saw her as an alternative. As it was the first time he had ever done this though, he became a bit of a wreck and started to behave very badly at home. He lost his temper over trivia, picked fault with everything and everyone etc. etc.
He met this woman twice for sex. On both occasions, the sex itself was disastrous, but it was illicit and therefore exciting. What was far more exciting and addictive, it seems, was the constant texting, e mails and to a much lesser extent, phone calls.
She was a very needy, demanding person though. Her previous bunny boiler tendencies started to show in earnest and although he was getting massively stressed about it all and wanted out of it, he feared a massive fall-out if he ended it with her. He did however refuse to meet her again and urged her to make a go of things with her husband, whom she was now painting as completely expendable. This just made her more and more angry and his stress levels were going through the roof.
When I found out (texts on an old phone, so completely accidental discovery) he says that despite the absolute horror of discovery, he also felt massive relief that he was now able to get out of this destructive relationship. He ended it with her immediately.
A year on, it has been the hardest thing we have ever faced, as individuals or as a couple. My DH went for counselling on his own and you would be amazed at the changes in him. We've learned so much together about our relationship, us as people and the changes we needed to make. It turns out that throughout our relationship, he always felt a bit in my shadow. In his perspective, I was the better-looking one, the one with more professional success, more friends etc. etc. I have also acknowledged that I thought that too, much as it shames me even now to admit that. We both also felt (but this was unspoken) that he loved me more than I loved him. Of the many great gifts that has come out of this crisis is the certain knowledge that we both love each other in equal measure.
He is not lazy any longer, lost loads of weight and our sex life has been amazingly wonderful since discovery day. He will now happily talk for hours and is the most open person you could imagine. All his previous wonderful traits are still there (kindness, compassion) but there are now loads more.
There are still difficult days and weeks sometimes. There is a terrible loss of innocence, but trust has returned. Complacency has been banished though. Like you, I reasoned that he couldn't be having an affair because of how he looked. How complacent was that? But understandable! The OW's H was 12 years younger, good looking and fit too, apparently.
He now knows his weak spot is damsels in distress and he realises that his protector role is now confined to people he loves.
That protection role extends to protecting himself too. He now says that he could never do it again to HIM let alone me.
Glad you've got RL support. Wise not to tell your family.