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Original poster

I think my mum might be a narcissist and I don't want to parent like she did

72 replies

doggiesayswoof · 30/07/2009 12:59

I have a strange relationship with my mum.

We get on fine on the surface. She lives in the next town and we see each other often. I am not emotionally close to her and would never confide in her about anything. Our relationship is very superficial.

We had a terrible relationship while I was growing up. She is dependent on alcohol and has been for as long as I can remember.

Since I had my dc she occasionally makes statements like "Now you understand what it's like" (with a big smile) or "you've turned out not too badly" etc. I realise that this is her way of saying it's all ok now, really it was all your fault, but it's water under the bridge.

She takes no responsibility for anything, she has never apologised to me.

I have a lot of issues, nothing too fundamental, but have issues nonetheless. I would rather die than parent the way she did and in some ways we are quite similar so it worries me.

Can anyone relate to this?

OP posts:
emeraldgirl1 · 31/07/2009 09:00

Weegie - I'm sorry, I hope you are OK and remember that although it would be nice (!) to have motherly support the way normal people do, you are still here and surviving very well, so life is perfectly OK without that!!

milkandhoney - I can relate to what you say about never quite feeling as though your emotions are real. I think the only emotions I know I really feel are love for my Dh and my nieces and nephews. Even my closest friends, who I say I 'love', I can never really be sure that I do, iykwim.

I think this comes from a lifetime of never being sure if it was OK to have a feeling, good, bad or indifferent, that didn't initially generate from my mother. I don't know if that rings true for you?

Am so sorry reading others' posts and I can relate to so much, only thing that sometimes cheers me is that I know I am not this way - how much worse actually, to live life as a narcissist, than to be the child of one. If that makes sense.

Original poster
doggiesayswoof · 31/07/2009 12:08

Wow, so many posts. It's awful and sad that so many of us have to deal with this, and at the same time I am finding it comforting that I'm not alone.

milkandhoney talked about "faking" her feelings - I feel that way too. I think I spent so long having my reactions and feelings dictated to me that I have trouble validating my own emotions. It doesn't apply to DH or other partners I've had but sadly it does apply to my DC.

DS is still a baby and I don't have a problem loving him, feeling that overwhelming love and desire to protect him. I used to feel that way with DD and still do probably 95% of the time. But there is now that 5% when she is upset or angry and I just disconnect from her. It's as if I am watching myself hugging her or trying to calm her down and I feel nothing. My mum was so emotionally cold and hardly ever hugged us - so I suppose it's not surprising that I have that in me.

It makes me feel wretched and I worry for my DD. My mum got much much worse with me from about age 8 or so. And DD is only 5.

OP posts:
Original poster
doggiesayswoof · 31/07/2009 12:18

llareggub there are so many similarities with my mum in your post.

When I was 7 months pregnant with DS, we went on holiday for a week with my mum. The idea (so I thought) was that she would be there to take DD out so that DH and I could get some time together and I could rest a bit (I was working f/t).

She sat on the couch in the same spot all week and read books. We got sent to the town to buy more when she ran out. She never did anything with DD (I tell a lie, she got up with her in the morning so we could stay in bed for a bit - this involved her sticking a DVD on and carrying on with her book. She didn't even give DD breakfast)

We had all travelled in mum's car so didn't have our own transport. From about 1pm every day she was pickled so we couldn't drive anywhere (and she was clearly not interested in going out anyway)

The crazy thing is mum suggested the holiday "to give you a break". I've no idea why.

OP posts:
mosschops30 · 31/07/2009 12:27

Im going to join you all, reading some of these posts I could be reading about my own mother.
We should have a support group

I cant be bothered to type all the stuff she does, because I hash over it so much with dh and I find it very tiring.
I am learning to say no and be a lot harder with her, and she hates it and says I have some sort of character flaw because Im not 'soft' like her.
She just doesnt like it all NOT being about her, and the fact that I no longer tolerate her behaviour. She rang for a '2 minute chat' last night, I refused to speak to here because I knew it wouldnt be, she knew I had returned to work this week, was very tired being 6 months pg and working 4 x 12 hour days, she would then be moody if I wasnt as 'bright and breezy' as she expects me to be
Instead I called her this morning in my own time, when I was better equipped to deal with her.
It feels much better

Original poster
doggiesayswoof · 31/07/2009 12:35

mosschops I know exactly what you mean - I always callscreen and sometimes she doesn't get a call back for a few days. I need to have a large glass of wine be in the right frame of mind to call her.

OP posts:
gettingagrip · 02/08/2009 11:54

www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/emotional-freedom-technique.html

Perhaps this site might be helpful?

dollius · 02/08/2009 14:48

OMG, this is my mother!

She is also an alcoholic.

poppy34 · 02/08/2009 15:14

Yes and can only say therapy and a patient loving dh helped

twopeople · 02/08/2009 15:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

toomanystuffedbears · 02/08/2009 15:36

Parenting from the Inside Out by Daniel Siegel
is a really good book dealing with not parenting as we were parented.

TheCrackFox · 02/08/2009 17:03

I have been reading this thread and I now think my Mum is a Narcassist.

It took until about a year after DS1 was born for me to realise that there was something not quite right with her. She subtley (sp?) criticised everthing he did. It hit me that she had always been like that with me. I have never had an unqualified compliment from her in my entire life. Which I find weird because, if anything, I tell my DCs too much how wonderful they are.

For example, I went to a friends wedding and I have to say I thought I looked pretty hot. She told me my lipstick was too pale and the (very expensive dress) was badly made.

It all sounds so petty written down but I have millions of examples that I won't bore you with.
Everything is about her.

Dollius just about everything on that list rang bells with me.

I have a real problem with self loathing although I have a happy relationship, great children and friends I never feel good enough.

dollius · 02/08/2009 17:56

Crack - nearly everything on that list rang true with me too.

I used to have terrible self-loathing, inability to trust my own judgement, very low self-esteem.

It took two years of counselling to finally understand the effect my mother's behaviour had on me.

My DH truly believes that she hates me, while also always trying to control everything. Certainly if she is not the focus of everyone's attention and if she feels her needs are not being prioritised, she throws a huge wobbly.

I am distancing myself from my parents (not cutting them out, but changing the dynamics of our relationship).

My marriage is also very happy, but I wouldn't have had the tools to have a happy marriage before I went through counselling.

I would highly recommend addressing this, because the strain of it made me very depressed and anxious for many years before I got help.

I can honestly say that my life has changed. I am a happy, confident person because I have finally accepted that my mother's problems are not my fault and nothing I can ever do will change anything about her.

Original poster
doggiesayswoof · 02/08/2009 19:52

"I have never had an unqualified compliment from her in my entire life."

Me neither, thecrackfox (good name btw)

Any nice thigns she said to me when I was young were actually about her standing, how it reflected on her. e.g. there was a boy at school who was sort of an academic rival (I was a geek at school) and my mum knew his dad professionally. Whenever I beat him in an exam it was all about her being able to crow. Except this boy usually did better than me, so it basically meant I wasn't good enough.

Individual examples do sound so petty. But actually you are being undermined all the time, when you are trying to find your way in the world.

I am lucky in that my mum mostly leaves me alone now. But the damage is done.

OP posts:
Original poster
doggiesayswoof · 02/08/2009 20:17

OMG - just had a look at that site. Thanks for linking gettingagrip.

Scarily relevant for me too.

OP posts:
poppy34 · 02/08/2009 21:00

Thanks getagrip- have Been struggling in therapy to put it in words so this helps

sazlocks · 02/08/2009 21:17

Can highly recommend therapy. I have had therapy a number of times over the years - most recently after the birth of my first DC when I realised how much I hadn't got by way of basic parenting and care, never mind anything else, when I was a child. It shook me to the core.
I became aware of my mother being an alcoholic when I was in my early teens and this continued for 25 years. All of you in the same boat will know and understand more or less what this means. The drama, the fear of what I would come home to, the trying to hide the situation from others, the wierd relationship I still have with alcohol to this day and the control freakery I still have from trying to get some control over my day to day environment when I was a child. Whilst its painful to read this thread I am also finding it helpful to read others words.

Original poster
doggiesayswoof · 02/08/2009 23:39

Those of you whose mothers have problems with alcohol - are they in denial or have they sought help?

Mine is totally in denial. In fact any comment about her drinking, however lighthearted, triggers a major outburst from her (even when sober).

OP posts:
DollyPS · 03/08/2009 00:42

Mine wasnt there for me or my brother when we were growing up really not unless you count the beatings we got to shape us up or if we were in her book out of line.

When I told her I was pregnant with first I got well are you getting rid of it as this will reflect badly on the family no that was about her really.

When I left home she cried buckets not cos I had my own place she didnt have her slave anymore and said as much. I got who will clean now your gone.

For years and I mean years I always looked for approval from her and none came.

I was always frightened to disappiont her well I gave that up when I was in my 30's and wouldnt cow down to her anymore. I told her that as well to her face and she chose to stop talking to me for 6 months I didnt care at this stage and sighed with relief till she got back in contact and it was only to ask if she could get custody of someone elses child. To say I was not best pleased well that was an understatement.

So when she phones if not in the mood for her moaning as she loves to moan I tell her and hang up and take the phone of the hook. I have to for my sanity and she knows I dont take her pish or crap and tell her the moaning is wearing thin now so give it up.

She usually takes the huff a lot over that and I do not phone to say its my fault anymore I leave her to it and she usually phones back but she never says sorry for anything.

Another thing I found odd with her though is she never hugged me or my brothers but will hug the grandkids when she is in the mood though. She also NEVER said I love you either and can be very cold towards you.

She had the cheek to get on to me for hugging my own child and saying I love you. I told her to back off and get a grip.

So can relate to what yous lot have written about mothers.

dollius · 03/08/2009 06:59

doggie - my mother will acknowlege that she drinks too much - she can't avoid it given that she is slumped, passed out on a chair at any family event - but she won't accept that she is an alcoholic, or that it is a major problem.

Dolly - your mother sounds like an extreme version of mine. Yes, my pregnancies and my marriage etc were of course all about her.

She was also very cold - I can't remember her saying she loved me ever, and certainly never praised me. She never hugged or cuddled me either. But, like you say, she adores my children, although I would say she is a bit underconfident with them (probably because she was such a crap mother she doesn't know what to do).

Lemonylemon · 03/08/2009 11:26

gettingagrip - That's a very scary link..... I could have applied pretty much all of that at one time, but have now had a couple of lessons in life (see previous posts on this thread) which have opened my eyes to my Mum's NPD and have learned to keep my distance from her emotionally.....

dollius - my mum was like yours - she never told me she loved me and never hugged or cuddled me either - and this, and I quote was "because when I tried to cuddle you as a baby, you pushed me away..." My reaction to this is that I'm sorry, but that's what babies do, they then come back and give you a hug or a kiss when they're ready. Or if you're like me, don't take no for an answer and unleash the kissy monster....

Sorry to everyone else on this thread who have such toxic mums.....

sazlocks · 03/08/2009 16:28

doogiesayswoof - no my Mum has never acknowledged the fact that she is an alcoholic. I find it even more annoying that no one else in the family seems to want to face this fact either. Talk about denial - my family are masters at it.

dollius · 03/08/2009 20:45

Yes, my father refuses to accept that my mother is an alcoholic because if he did, he would have to stop drinking as well.

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