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Original poster

I am in a massive pickle and don't know what to do for the best

59 replies

worried27 · 28/07/2009 11:02

I have put myself in a silly position and I don't know what to do for the best. I'll try to be neutral and not too emotional as I really need some advice please.

I have been unlucky and had lots of redundancies, as much as I'd like a long term job it has never seemed to happen. After the last one DP said there was a job going at his (small) office which I'd be great at. I know now it was doomed to be a bad idea but I applied for it, and got it. I can't really afford to be out of a job (who can) so it seemed like the only option.

Well, it was a big mistake. The senior manager took a huge dislike to me and proceeded to make my life hell (bullying, intimidation etc), the relationship with DP is quite frankly terrible now (he says he is piggy in the middle re the Manager, and that the fact that he doesn't like me has made DP look bad in the company as he was the one who introduced me), and now me and DP are barely on speaking terms.

I realise I've made a stupid mistake and don't know what to do for the best. I can't leave as I need the money. I can't split with DP as it's a small office and it will be hell. I think if I left it might improve things with DP but then that would look bad on him (the person he introduced wasn't up to scratch) and so he might not want to carry on seeing each other, and if I did leave I might not find a job for months, who knows?

I have tried to talk to DP at the weekend and he said things would change but it was all talk and he is still really moody to me, in and out of work. To be honest I wonder if he wants to dump me but feels he can't because of the fall-out at work. I have a review meeting with the manager this afternoon which I am dreading (last time he made me cry, and I am not a weak person!)

So I am in an absolute mess, and don't know what to do for the best. Any ideas please? Thanks

OP posts:
Megglevache · 28/07/2009 12:32

I don't want to sound harsh but I have to agree that now was the best way to find out rather than years down the line. This isn't your failure, I'd say it's his.

AccioPinotGrigio · 28/07/2009 12:36

Your boss sounds horrendous and yet you seem to be blaming yourself. Don't be intimidated by such an obvious wanker. Somebody needs to stand up to him by the sound of it.

Please go and post on Employment Issues for advice on how to handle the meeting - if you think you need it. There are some very wise and experienced women over there.

jambutty · 28/07/2009 12:39

Agree with Pinot Grigio - seek advice from professionals. Would you be able to say at the meeting in front of the HR person that you were unhappy about the way he'd spoken to you when you'd organised a meeting for him? Any failings here are certainly not on your part.

Original poster
worried27 · 28/07/2009 12:48

I have already spoken to HR and copied her in on the apology email I sent. She knows all about what he has said to me.

To be honest I am not too bothered about the Manager, he is obviously an idiot and as such I have very little time for him, I will try not to let him bother me.

But I am guessing the consensus is that I have to leave this job? And what of DP? See how things pan out? I just find it so hard to be the one who calls an end to things, my problem is I keep giving the benefit of the doubt, 'maybe next week things will be better', give people and situations as many chances as possible. If I get a kiss on a text or a smile I think 'see he does like me after all', I clutch at straws, when I know I shouldn't.

God I am so confused right now!!

OP posts:
HecatesTwopenceworth · 28/07/2009 12:54

I agree with Solid!

Your partner has really betrayed you. You (sorry) obviously don't mean as much to him as you thought because when the chips were down - he prioritised his job over you, even knowing how upset you are. That speaks volumes.

He has shown a side of himself that I am not sure it will be possible for you to forget.

Re the manager - he's a twat. Be strong. Be calm. I assume you have no union to back you up (few places do these days!). Be assertive. Can you ask for someone from HR to be present? Don't let him talk over you! Make sure that if he does, you ask him to allow you to speak.

Good luck with it all.

Megglevache · 28/07/2009 12:54

It's understandable you are coping with massive stress which is work related and in your personal life as well but you are being really hard on yourself and keep blaming you.

I'd cope with one thing at a time if I were you, I can only speak personally but if it were me and other things weren't working in the relationship too then I would have to call time on it.

You sound like you are taking positve steps pratically so that's a good start and I second going onto the employment boards to be prepared for your meeting etc.

Original poster
worried27 · 28/07/2009 13:48

My meeting is at 2. D(?)P hasn't even said how am I, or good luck...

OP posts:
SausageRocket · 28/07/2009 13:50

You know what you need to do. Personally I'd find another job first though.

jambutty · 28/07/2009 13:54

Well good luck from me. Stay calm, write stuff down before you go in if it helps, don't be intimidated.

OnlyWantsOne · 28/07/2009 13:58

good luck x

Megglevache · 28/07/2009 14:02

Hope it goes well for you.

Original poster
worried27 · 28/07/2009 14:41

So.... I am out of the meeting!

OP posts:
Rindercella · 28/07/2009 14:45

Oh Worried, just thinking about you. How did it go?

jambutty · 28/07/2009 14:45

WHat happened? Are you ok?

Original poster
worried27 · 28/07/2009 14:49

Senior manager(SM) wasn't in the meeting, it was my manager and the HR lady.

I am leaving on Friday, 'by mutual consent', but my manager is going to put out an email just saying I was on a contract and it's contract has come to an end...

My manager said he doesn't think there is any way the relationship with the SM can be rebuilt, and that he has seen people be crushed by him, and he didn't want that to happen to me, and so he would let me go for my own sake.

I am so relieved, that is what I wanted, to be out of here. As good as the job is I didn't think I could work with the SM on an ongoing basis. I would never have had the balls to resign so I am glad the decision was taken out of my hands.

Now I am free to find something I really want, even if I have to pull the purse strings in a bit. It was a mistake to start here and I am glad it has finished.

As for what will happen to me and DP now....?!?!?!

OP posts:
jambutty · 28/07/2009 15:05

Wow. Can't believe another manager AND HR are happy to condone the SM's behaviour by letting you leave in that way. Will you get a good reference?
If that really is what you wanted, I'm happy for you. I think they sound like a bunch of cowards - including your DP. Good luck with finding something else.

jambutty · 28/07/2009 15:06

And with finding someONE else, btw.

Rindercella · 28/07/2009 15:06

Worried, it does sound like this was indeed a mutual decision - the relief in your post is patent

I hope that you get it sorted out one way or another with your other half. He should have been supportive and not tolerate his colleague's bullying behaviour, regardless of his relationship to you. Perhaps he isn't really the man you thought he was? Perhaps now you will no longer be employed at the same company, he will open up to you and (try) to explain his behaviour.

I do wonder though whether your relationship is all that you hope it is - if you 'clutch to straws' such as him signing off with a xx in a text then perhaps the balance in your relationship is more weighted in his favour. You are meant to be his partner - he should be telling you (frequently!) that he does like/love/respect you.

Megglevache · 28/07/2009 15:13

Great post Rinder.

itwasntme · 28/07/2009 15:24

Bloody hell, so they are going to allow SM to carry on with his bullying on his next victim? That is shocking.

Glad you are out of it, and I hope that things work out with your partner,

Original poster
worried27 · 28/07/2009 16:18

Well, I just went for a drink with DP, I told him what had happened, I couldn't really gauge what he thought of it?!

Rindercella, yes, I am so relieved. On a short term basis it means I can spend some time on my masters which is severely overdue, and maybe a few days away somewhere, just time to stop and think what I really want to do next. Clearly the industry I am in is just not working for me!

Who knows what is going to happen with me and DP now, do we go back to dates, or has too much gone under the bridge now, will we never be the same again, I don't know?

It's all in the lap of the gods now, thanks for your support today, I am feeling much better now, even though I haven't a clue WHAT or WHERE I'm going to be next week, somehow everything seems much better?

And if me and DP do split up then now at least I don't have to work with him every day?!

OP posts:
BottySpottom · 28/07/2009 17:18

Mutual me arse! Sorry but that is appalling management of a SM who is clearly out of control. What you did re the initial meeting was totally reasonably but he was sloppy and didn't read the note.

You could probably have claimed constructive dismissal given how he spoke to you. I hope they have paid you to go away.

I hate it when bullies in the workplace get away with it - don't let him dent your confidence

SolidGoldBrass · 28/07/2009 19:33

THe HR are being nicey-nice so you don't kick their arses straight into a tribunal. I bet there is at least one other case pending against this twattish SM for bullying and probably sexual discrimination as well (bullies like this often hate women and enjoy harassing them in a sexist way ie not actually trying to get sex from them but going for a lot of 'women-don't-get-it' type 'banter')
As for the man you have been dating, honestly, forget him. He is NOt That Into You, tbh and you should cut your losses and move on, because hanging around trying to make someone 'love' you is massively damaging to your self esteem because it never works. ANd there are far more interesting ways to spend your time than agonising over what the presence or absence of an 'x' in a text message means once you have left school.

OnlyWantsOne · 28/07/2009 20:38

what about temping work for the short term?

Glad you're feeling better

lynneevans51 · 28/07/2009 20:55

Coming in late on this thread, but picking up on Solid's comments - they should certainly be giving you money for "garden leave" plus I would ask for a To whom it may concern reference NOW to check that you are happy with it - if you are not, ask for amendments, and if any of that is not happening, you should certainly tell them that you have a meeting planned with ACAS to discuss a tribunal for constructive dismissal.
Absolutely appalling behaviour by the company. I have been a director of various companies for years now, including holding HR function at one - the SM is an HR directors nightmare!!