Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I think my husband is having an affair

63 replies

megmums · 27/07/2009 22:04

I moved to be with my Dh full time a year after our daughter was born. He always said he wanted a family, but I noticed a big change in him when she was born. We drifted apart and I think he felt neglected and that his life was over now he had a wife and child, too much responsibility.

A few months after moving here (away from friends and family) he told me that he no longer wanted to be married anymore, he found it too stressful and felt guilty that he had moved me and our daughter away.

It took a few weeks to come to a head but we reached a point where he changed his mind and decided to make a go of it. This seemed to coincide with me asking him if he was having an affair.

He is close to a girl he works with. This did not bother me too greatly, as he has had female friends in past and i always trusted him. What makes this different is his attitude towards me following the birth of our daughter.

He told me he was out with a boy from work but I found out he was with this girl. He told me he lied as he knew i would not like him going out with this girl, he has in the past and told me and I have not been happy.

He texts her loads, i used to check his phone bill but stopped as it was becoming an unatural obsession! So 7 months later things seemed to be getting better between us, but i sometimes have doubts about where he is. Last week he said he was working one night and could not text me as on a special opeation. A couple of days later I came out and asked him if he had been in work. He got angry and said of course, then was in a mood for a few hours. After that he calmed down and started to be overly nice, almost false to me. He was then in work all weekend but was texting to see how I was and said he loved me.

So am I crazy for thinking there is anything going on with my husband and his work colleague? The only thing keeping me sane is going to work everyday and spending as much time as I can with my little girl, who is the happiest most easy going child in the world!

OP posts:
StirlingTheStrong · 27/07/2009 23:56

Agree with sylvie - You need to meet her and see whether she seems a bit embarrassed to meet you.

megmums · 27/07/2009 23:57

Never met her and I think I would probably not be very nice! My parents have no idea of our problems, only my best friends and my sis knows he nearly left but she does not know about the other woman. I need a break but my job is quite strict 9 to 5 and i don't really want to tell me boss all this unless absolutely necessary, she would tell me straight to tell him to fuck off I know!

OP posts:
barnsleybelle · 27/07/2009 23:59

megmums the more information you post the more obvious it is... he wants out... i'm so so sorry but it seems obvious.
He doesn't say so directly because he is a coward. Simple as. many people are like this, both men and women. They want out but feel too guilty to actually do it. Instead they behave in a way that means the other partner makes the move.
I bet you see flashes of sentiment and affection that doubts your decision? It's guilt on his part.

barnsleybelle · 28/07/2009 00:04

megmums... No no no... you do not need to meet her at all... She is not the problem here, it is dh. Were it not this woman it would be someone else. Turning up on a surprised visit makes you look needy/clingy/pathetic.
It is your dh who is treating you with disdain and disrespect, threatening to leave, then not, texting and seeing this woman. Meeting her will make no difference.
Phone in sick with a complete lie about something and go visit your parents.

megmums · 28/07/2009 00:05

Thanks so much everyone, it helps to talk, get things in perspective.

OP posts:
oliviasmama · 28/07/2009 06:46

Singing from everyone elses hymn sheet I'm afraid - doesn't sound quite right to me.

Gut instinct.

Think I too would be making plans to go home. When you moved in together what did you do with your house? Don't suppose you rented it out and could move back there?

OnlyWantsOne · 28/07/2009 07:09

Megmums How are you feeling today?

I really hope that you understamd that no one meant to hurt or upset you last night, we were just trying to offer you some advice / further knowledge about the situation.

what ever happens, it will be ok

My violent cheating ex made me leave him in the end, and then I had a torrent of emotional abuse for months because it was me that had "damaged" DD... a year later I met the kindest man ever and we are now so much happier as a family - things will be ok

be strong.

I think you should give your sister a call today, explain this, perhaps send her the link for this thread, so she can read HONESTLY what you have written, we all omit certain details when talking to our friends / family

be brave - how much longer do you want to live like this for?

MorrisZapp · 28/07/2009 12:56

What a nightmare megmums.

I think that if your DH is sticking to his story of this woman being his 'friend' then you should ask her to dinner, or to meet up in the pub etc like normal friends do.

If your DH looks panic stricken at the mere mention of it then there is your answer.

I agree that OW is not the problem, but you need to squeeze the truth out of your DH and if men can lie, they will lie.

Ask to meet her.

aRLcat · 28/07/2009 19:47

I think Custardo's spot on!

Megmums, you asked why if he wants to end things, does he not just confess? They rarely want to end things! Philanderers don't just want one partner, they want to be shagging several. You said it yourself, cake and eat it, that sums it up.

If this OW was genuinely a friend or a best friend of your partners, her wishes for the best outcome for all would include thoughts to his family. Hers don't because she does not empathise with you or care for his relationship with you, you are her competition!...because she is not just 'a friend'.

Don't give yourself a hard time, don't feel foolish. You have placed faith in your partner as many of us would choose to do, you have done nothing wrong but invest with genuine intent in your relationship.

However, your instincts appear to be screaming at you to listen and it's now time to place faith in yourself! Take what he says about him and her out of the equation, what do you feel?

Regardless of whether they're shagging or not, he's being a disrespectful, thoughtless and dismissive prick. Re-draw the boundaries of your relationship or drop it and move on!

twoclimbingboys · 28/07/2009 20:14

megmums are you ok?

megmums · 30/07/2009 22:30

Hi, am ok thanks. Sorry not been able to get on here. Anyway, Dh is still being very nice and concerned about me seeming sad. I was thinking about what a loving cuddly relationship we had before dd was born, and it's almost like he has gone back to that time - very loving and cuddly. Weird. Should alarm bells be ringing or is he genuinely making a go of things?

I told him i am not happy about the girl in work. I asked him outright if he is having an affair.

He looked me in the eye and said 'I am honestly not having an affair'

OP posts:
twoclimbingboys · 30/07/2009 22:44

I am really glad you are ok. tbh I have no idea if he has been having an affair. But he should care about your feelings. Has he agreed to stop the texting and staying at hers then, after you explained how much it upset you?

megmums · 30/07/2009 22:47

He said he won't stay there as it upsets me, but i just worry that he will and say he is staying in work. I never can tell. He can't deal with the fact that his actions have upset me. He keeps saying how worried he is that I seem sad and that it upsets him, so why the hell doesn't he do something about it?? Aargh.

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread