The father of my baby has turned into an emotionless android

[SwannMum]

SwannMum, I read your post just now and my heart goes out to you. What I would suggest is that you copy and paste your post into a new thread in Relationships in order to get a proper considered reply to your concerns. I hope you do - it sounds like you could do with some support and help. I thought about reposting it myself but I don't want to put you on the spot. Good luck anyway.
By MrsSpringsteen Tue 21-Jul-09 01:07:33
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great thread bookmarking it to read tomorrow!
in the meantime best of luck moll
By SwannMum Tue 21-Jul-09 00:32:36
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I've read this thread with great interest as I'm also stuck in a really really stressful situation.

I've always been very independent. I have my own house, my own car, a good career etc. I have never relied on a man at all apart from during the eight weeks I was off work having our baby. Not bad going considering I'd had a caesarian. I hadn't wanted to return to work so early but basically was told I had to as we wouldn't be able to cope financially. So I did although it was extreemly stressful. Basically I work from home but it soon proved impossible to do any reports with juggling breast feeding. My "partner" couldn't cope with him crying and used to bring him upstairs where I work so I would literally be juggling a baby while trying to work on a computer. Not good.

Meanwhile he had secretly booked tickets to Glastonbury and told me a few days after I came out of hospital. I started crying because he'd already been away for two nights to run the London marathan as well as going to York races for a couple of days of drunkeness with friends and even though I said I didn't think I would be able to cope he kept saying I would. Basically he had no intention of not going and did end up going for four days.

So I had to put up with it, struggling looking after our newborn baby on my own while he spent money on designer sunglasses, two pairs of G Star jeans, the obligatory Glastonbury Hunter wellingtons etc. I couldn't even afford to buy myself a cup of tea because I had no money.

He walked out on us when our son was ten weeks old. I was on the bed breastfeeding our son and Iremind my partner that he's due to look after him the following day as I've got work to do. He says he can't because he's going to a friend's "boozy barbeque" (on a Tuesday afternoon). I say that he can't becasue I really am behind with my work. I was still breast feeding at the time so I wasn?t shouting at all. I couldn?t shout and I couldn?t move because I had a sleepy baby on me. He picked up the Moses basket which was by the bed, on my side of the bed and flung it so it narrowly missed us both. It went across the bed and landed on the other side. I remember because the mattress, gro bag and blanket had been flung out of it and was lying a couple of feet away as I picked it up later.

The baby woke up and started screaming. His face registered sheer terror and I?ll never ever forget that face because it makes me want to cry every time I relive it. I was shocked but I calmly took him downstairs trying to soothe him by whispering to him when I was really shaking and shook up. I put him in the pram downstairs away from him in the dining room and went back upstairs to the bedroom. I was shocked and frightened that he could do that. I felt frightened. I wasn?t sure what he was going to do. He continued getting ready for work, sliding the wardrobe doors aggressively, nearly ripping them off.

He's a policeman. The thing is he now denies this ever happened, saying that he must have "tripped" over the Moses basket. Him and his family imply constantly that I am mental. He sent me a link to the postnatal depression NHS website. I think he's been given advice by his brother who is a solicitor about what he should say.

Our baby had been planned and I looking back, I had noticed changes in his behaviour when I was pregnant. Just stupid small things really. Selfish things like he's refuse to pick me up from the train station on his day off (I'd commute by train to work for meetings) when I was 36 weeks pregnant with excruciating water retented ankles which felt like extremely tight sausage skins. In fatc the warning signs should have started ringing when he would choose to go to Amsterdam, nights out with friends, anywhere but actually spend time with me when I was heavily pregnant. He even spent Christmas with his family which I thoughtwas pretty awful. I just put it down to enjoying the last months of freedom which was a huge mistake. I excuse myself though becasue I did feel quite vulnerable when I was pregnant.

I was only taking home the statutory maternity pay £400 which just about covered my mortgage and he just had to pay gas and electricity. He hadn't. The day after he left a letter threatening bailiffs flopped through my letter box ordering me seven days in which to pay. I hadn't yet been paid as I'd only been back at work for two weeks so had to borrow the money from my dad who had been made redundant.

I haven't stopped him seeing our son but I won't let him near him unsupervised. He comes round to the house and my mum hangs around. He's not happy about "being treated like a paedophile" and is making veiled threats to me like "The power's yours at the moment but that will soon change". He says he wants 50:50 access. I feel really anxious, I'm having nightmares, keep dreaming that he will come and snatch him. I love my son. He's the most precious thing in the world to me and I don't want him to miss out on having a dad but equally I cannot deal with him. I'm now at a stage where I feel close to breaking point. What can anyone suggest? Because he's on the birth certificate he has a lot of power. I'm scared that no one will believe me. I'm actually a really confident person. Everyone thinks I'm strong and I just feel so surprised and bemused by it all really. I don't know how to handle it. I'm actually quite embarrassed as well.

Yes I understand but if it does go horribly wrong, it won't be down to you. It's your ex's responsibility to act maturely in the interests of your DS, not yours. If he f*cks this up, he's only got himself to blame.

I'm glad you've got RL support - you sound to me as though you've got your head screwed up even though your ex is doing his level best to make you feel otherwise. Give yourself a pat on the back and a nice glass of wine and appreciate yourself - it's him who'll have to forgive himself in the future, not you.

Really am off to bed now before my darling DS wakes me up at the crack of dawn wanting to play Still, he's yummy so it's worth it

Don't bother with couple-counselling. It's worthless when one partner is abusive - and no reputable counsellor will work with abusers anyway (though some rubbish ones can be taken in by psychological abusers and this can be very unhealthy for the other partner).
Contact Women's Aid, they will give you excellent advice. You do NOT have to put up with abuse. He is not entitled to have it all his own way.

Thankyou to everyone who has posted advice on here. I have no idea who you are but your words have really helped me! God knows what people did before the internet.

I thought I would update this.

He had signed up to an internet dating site which sort of may explain his emotionless android behaviour. He "blames" me for this however, and earlier today shouted "You need to accept some responsibility" when I told him that I couln't understand how anyone could be so heartless before stomping down the passageway. I am actually starting to wonder if he's a bit tapped because I HONESTLY don't know what I can have done wrong and he doesn't cite any reasons. Maybe he just feels guilty but refuses to accept responsibility. Every time I bring up the Moses basket he refuses to make eye contact but says he "can't remember". I really do not see how he can forget something like that.

I went to the solicitors and there is not really anything that can be done. I could go to court to put down conditions but the solicitor advised me this could go the other way... courts are used to seeing really atrocious things like sexual abuse cases and extreme violence, so unfortunately their threshold is a lot higher than you'd expect. She said that with drugs, she's seen cases where the father has been a heavy drug user and it's been fine for him to see his child unsupervised as long as he "promises" not to use while he's in charge of his child. The same with alcohol, drink driving and thowing the Moses basket (becasue it didn't actually hit us. Seriously WTF?? What about prevention?

I don't understand him at all. I suppose all this will get better in time. I'm not sure if he actually knows what he wants. But I really believe I've had a lucky escape. I really do hope our son will grow up unaffected by all of this. I hope he can have a good relationship with his dad and I hope his dad doesn't let him down like he has so far.

We are trying relationship counselling tomorrow so I hope this can help. There isn't much of a relationship to council really but we do need to be able to communicate more effectively for our son's sake.

get anotehr sols. there's lots they can do i'm sure, you need a decent one who will fight your corner - rightly or wrongly as well i've found if you're on legal aid you get less help & support from them than if you were paying full rate.

don't stand for it jsut becuase he's a copper and his brother is a sols - it's called intimidation & abuse no matter what.

I agree that you should look around for another solicitor. I don't know if you've talked to Women's Aid, but they should be able to recommend someone. I disagree with your solicitor that courts (and CAFCASS) are quite so indifferent to a man who is being physically threatening around a small baby. It has not been my experience at all, and my xp's behaviour was quite similar (eg. came home from a party one evening, was jealous to find me asleep in the bed with dd1, so threw a suitcase at my head and forcibly removed crying dd to the other bedroom).

Bloody hell, that's awful. After spending a day on the phone to various organisations I came across the children's legal centre (www.childrenslegalcentre.com/) who were outstanding. If anyone has any problems and need advice it really is worth giving them a call.

That's great! Well done on plugging away to find the help you need. It is out there, it just takes a while to find it.