The father of my baby has turned into an emotionless android

[SwannMum]

SwannMum, I read your post just now and my heart goes out to you. What I would suggest is that you copy and paste your post into a new thread in Relationships in order to get a proper considered reply to your concerns. I hope you do - it sounds like you could do with some support and help. I thought about reposting it myself but I don't want to put you on the spot. Good luck anyway.
By MrsSpringsteen Tue 21-Jul-09 01:07:33
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great thread bookmarking it to read tomorrow!
in the meantime best of luck moll
By SwannMum Tue 21-Jul-09 00:32:36
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I've read this thread with great interest as I'm also stuck in a really really stressful situation.

I've always been very independent. I have my own house, my own car, a good career etc. I have never relied on a man at all apart from during the eight weeks I was off work having our baby. Not bad going considering I'd had a caesarian. I hadn't wanted to return to work so early but basically was told I had to as we wouldn't be able to cope financially. So I did although it was extreemly stressful. Basically I work from home but it soon proved impossible to do any reports with juggling breast feeding. My "partner" couldn't cope with him crying and used to bring him upstairs where I work so I would literally be juggling a baby while trying to work on a computer. Not good.

Meanwhile he had secretly booked tickets to Glastonbury and told me a few days after I came out of hospital. I started crying because he'd already been away for two nights to run the London marathan as well as going to York races for a couple of days of drunkeness with friends and even though I said I didn't think I would be able to cope he kept saying I would. Basically he had no intention of not going and did end up going for four days.

So I had to put up with it, struggling looking after our newborn baby on my own while he spent money on designer sunglasses, two pairs of G Star jeans, the obligatory Glastonbury Hunter wellingtons etc. I couldn't even afford to buy myself a cup of tea because I had no money.

He walked out on us when our son was ten weeks old. I was on the bed breastfeeding our son and Iremind my partner that he's due to look after him the following day as I've got work to do. He says he can't because he's going to a friend's "boozy barbeque" (on a Tuesday afternoon). I say that he can't becasue I really am behind with my work. I was still breast feeding at the time so I wasn?t shouting at all. I couldn?t shout and I couldn?t move because I had a sleepy baby on me. He picked up the Moses basket which was by the bed, on my side of the bed and flung it so it narrowly missed us both. It went across the bed and landed on the other side. I remember because the mattress, gro bag and blanket had been flung out of it and was lying a couple of feet away as I picked it up later.

The baby woke up and started screaming. His face registered sheer terror and I?ll never ever forget that face because it makes me want to cry every time I relive it. I was shocked but I calmly took him downstairs trying to soothe him by whispering to him when I was really shaking and shook up. I put him in the pram downstairs away from him in the dining room and went back upstairs to the bedroom. I was shocked and frightened that he could do that. I felt frightened. I wasn?t sure what he was going to do. He continued getting ready for work, sliding the wardrobe doors aggressively, nearly ripping them off.

He's a policeman. The thing is he now denies this ever happened, saying that he must have "tripped" over the Moses basket. Him and his family imply constantly that I am mental. He sent me a link to the postnatal depression NHS website. I think he's been given advice by his brother who is a solicitor about what he should say.

Our baby had been planned and I looking back, I had noticed changes in his behaviour when I was pregnant. Just stupid small things really. Selfish things like he's refuse to pick me up from the train station on his day off (I'd commute by train to work for meetings) when I was 36 weeks pregnant with excruciating water retented ankles which felt like extremely tight sausage skins. In fatc the warning signs should have started ringing when he would choose to go to Amsterdam, nights out with friends, anywhere but actually spend time with me when I was heavily pregnant. He even spent Christmas with his family which I thoughtwas pretty awful. I just put it down to enjoying the last months of freedom which was a huge mistake. I excuse myself though becasue I did feel quite vulnerable when I was pregnant.

I was only taking home the statutory maternity pay £400 which just about covered my mortgage and he just had to pay gas and electricity. He hadn't. The day after he left a letter threatening bailiffs flopped through my letter box ordering me seven days in which to pay. I hadn't yet been paid as I'd only been back at work for two weeks so had to borrow the money from my dad who had been made redundant.

I haven't stopped him seeing our son but I won't let him near him unsupervised. He comes round to the house and my mum hangs around. He's not happy about "being treated like a paedophile" and is making veiled threats to me like "The power's yours at the moment but that will soon change". He says he wants 50:50 access. I feel really anxious, I'm having nightmares, keep dreaming that he will come and snatch him. I love my son. He's the most precious thing in the world to me and I don't want him to miss out on having a dad but equally I cannot deal with him. I'm now at a stage where I feel close to breaking point. What can anyone suggest? Because he's on the birth certificate he has a lot of power. I'm scared that no one will believe me. I'm actually a really confident person. Everyone thinks I'm strong and I just feel so surprised and bemused by it all really. I don't know how to handle it. I'm actually quite embarrassed as well.

[NicknameTaken]

That's great! Well done on plugging away to find the help you need. It is out there, it just takes a while to find it.

[SwannMum]

Bloody hell, that's awful. After spending a day on the phone to various organisations I came across the children's legal centre (www.childrenslegalcentre.com/) who were outstanding. If anyone has any problems and need advice it really is worth giving them a call.

[NicknameTaken]

I agree that you should look around for another solicitor. I don't know if you've talked to Women's Aid, but they should be able to recommend someone. I disagree with your solicitor that courts (and CAFCASS) are quite so indifferent to a man who is being physically threatening around a small baby. It has not been my experience at all, and my xp's behaviour was quite similar (eg. came home from a party one evening, was jealous to find me asleep in the bed with dd1, so threw a suitcase at my head and forcibly removed crying dd to the other bedroom).

[thesouthsbelle]

get anotehr sols. there's lots they can do i'm sure, you need a decent one who will fight your corner - rightly or wrongly as well i've found if you're on legal aid you get less help & support from them than if you were paying full rate.

don't stand for it jsut becuase he's a copper and his brother is a sols - it's called intimidation & abuse no matter what.

[SwannMum]

I thought I would update this.

He had signed up to an internet dating site which sort of may explain his emotionless android behaviour. He "blames" me for this however, and earlier today shouted "You need to accept some responsibility" when I told him that I couln't understand how anyone could be so heartless before stomping down the passageway. I am actually starting to wonder if he's a bit tapped because I HONESTLY don't know what I can have done wrong and he doesn't cite any reasons. Maybe he just feels guilty but refuses to accept responsibility. Every time I bring up the Moses basket he refuses to make eye contact but says he "can't remember". I really do not see how he can forget something like that.

I went to the solicitors and there is not really anything that can be done. I could go to court to put down conditions but the solicitor advised me this could go the other way... courts are used to seeing really atrocious things like sexual abuse cases and extreme violence, so unfortunately their threshold is a lot higher than you'd expect. She said that with drugs, she's seen cases where the father has been a heavy drug user and it's been fine for him to see his child unsupervised as long as he "promises" not to use while he's in charge of his child. The same with alcohol, drink driving and thowing the Moses basket (becasue it didn't actually hit us. Seriously WTF?? What about prevention?

I don't understand him at all. I suppose all this will get better in time. I'm not sure if he actually knows what he wants. But I really believe I've had a lucky escape. I really do hope our son will grow up unaffected by all of this. I hope he can have a good relationship with his dad and I hope his dad doesn't let him down like he has so far.

We are trying relationship counselling tomorrow so I hope this can help. There isn't much of a relationship to council really but we do need to be able to communicate more effectively for our son's sake.

[SwannMum]

Thankyou to everyone who has posted advice on here. I have no idea who you are but your words have really helped me! God knows what people did before the internet.

[SolidGoldBrass]

Don't bother with couple-counselling. It's worthless when one partner is abusive - and no reputable counsellor will work with abusers anyway (though some rubbish ones can be taken in by psychological abusers and this can be very unhealthy for the other partner).
Contact Women's Aid, they will give you excellent advice. You do NOT have to put up with abuse. He is not entitled to have it all his own way.

[DoingtheLimbo]

Yes I understand but if it does go horribly wrong, it won't be down to you. It's your ex's responsibility to act maturely in the interests of your DS, not yours. If he f*cks this up, he's only got himself to blame.

I'm glad you've got RL support - you sound to me as though you've got your head screwed up even though your ex is doing his level best to make you feel otherwise. Give yourself a pat on the back and a nice glass of wine and appreciate yourself - it's him who'll have to forgive himself in the future, not you.

Really am off to bed now before my darling DS wakes me up at the crack of dawn wanting to play Still, he's yummy so it's worth it

[SwannMum]

Thanks Doing the Limbo! They're extremely good action points and I shall do all that tomorrow.

Yes, I don't know why I'm so anxious. I think it must be the primeval protective instinct towards my baby I'm feeling. You just don't want it going horribly wrong because I'd never forgive myself.

Luckily I have excellent friends and family who have been brilliant. It's times like this you really appreciate people and having faith in the good in humankind!

[SwannMum]

Yes counselling is a good idea. I was thinking about that before. Weeks ago we had tried relationship counselling. He paid for the first session which was a good gesture I thought, but then he blew it by lying to me about the Moses basket later in the week, so I cancelled the second session. When I told him, he said "That won't look very good will it?" which I thought implied he hadn't arranged it to genuinely help our situation, but more as a gesture for possible court action at a later date.

But yes, individual counselling may be a good move.

[DoingtheLimbo]

Hi SwannMum - I couldn't wait 'til tomorrow to read your thread and I just have some initial thoughts before I hit the sack:

1. Find another solicitor asap. Get them to shoot off a letter to him outlining your offer of terms for contact and include the stipulations regarding his parents not caring for them and the reasons why.

1. Complain to the Law Society about the solicitors you saw before. They should never have advised you if there was a conflict of interest. There's a pretty easy check they need to carry out before even confirming an appointment and once you're on their books (presumably if you were advised, you were a client) then he shouldn't have had a look in.

1. Communicate with him only in writing preferably through your solicitor although this can get expensive.

1. Move contact away from your home. Your solicitor can make a referral to a contact centre. Ignore his comments as they will only make him look completely daft if he does make any application to court for contact. If his child was important to him, he would see him wherever and however.

1. Consider offering to go to mediation to draw up a contact agreement. I know some people will say mediation is a no go where one partner has been violent but ime mediators will want to know this in advance and may offer some sort of "shuttle mediation" where you're not actually in the same room. In a worse case scenario (i.e. if he makes a court application) you'll be told to mediate before you do anything else anyway.

Lastly and most importantly look after yourself. You're obviously doing a great job with the baby and even though your ex's behaviour is deranged fuckwittage challenging, you're still being utterly reasonable in wanting to nurture a relationship between him and his child. Hold onto your reasonableness - it will serve you well

[SwannMum]

The only thing he has managed to fire at me, was the fact I said "You're treating me like a See You Next Tuesday". Not a term I like admittedly but that is the only criticism I have had back. That and the fact I am in need of "intensive counselling".

I really am trying to act in our boy's best interests. I want him to have a dad. I grew up with both my mum and dad, and want the same for him. I think children really do need their fathers.

I hope things work out eventually. Despite all I say, I don't want to give the impression that I'm some sort of doormat. I'm definitely not. He is however extreemly manipulative and controlling and I think I've only just realised that now. I think he does love our son. How could he not? It's terrible that our relationship has broken down. But unfortunately we are going to have to be in each other's lives for the next eighteen years or so, so it's a matter of keeping the communication lines open. I am struggling at the moment becasue I really loathe liars and this is not a game for me.

I really think in years to come, he will regret his actions. Or maybe not I'm not sure. To be honest, I'm not even sure he knows what he's done wrong really. Is it a case of Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus? Maybe a bit, but fundamentally I just think he's an android.

[JuJusDad]

If talking helps, then I suggest you either push for counselling via your GP, or do what I did - get it for free via MIND.

[JuJusDad]

Please excuse the rubbish spelling and grammar on this and previous post.

I've got parental responsibility (thank deity of choice), but due to the way ex behaved towards me and DD, especially her leaving me and DD home for weeks on end for various reasons, PR just made it easier for me to get residency, as I didn't need a separate order to get PR.

My advice is from a mix of my situation and info from the "seperated Dad" type websites. Small aside - those websites highly recommend that the seperated parent be nice and civil at all times to the resident carer, as anything else can be used against them come the court case.

Try mediation, hopefully it will work, but I think from your posts you're likely to need to go the whole hog of going to court. I wanted to go to mediation, but as the ex decided to take DD away for four days and three nights on a whim, I realised that my DD and I needed the clarity and force of a court hearing.

Be ready to answer any accusations he may try to level at you. Be able to show the support network you and your DS have. Be ready to protect your DS's best interests, and that will be a fair bit of work to do so.

But be clear that your DS's best interests are paramount at all times. It makes decisions you must make and the work you must do far easier.

As was pointed out to me when I was on here talking about trying to keep contact between my DD and her mum - what your ex may want is not necessarily what is best for DC, and making it easy for your ex is not necessarily in your DC's best interest.

And the fact that you are talking from a pov of what your ex wants shows the level of intimidation / influence he still exerts / abuse he's inflicted (delete as necessary).

I hope that hasn't come out too harshly or abruptly. It just makes me so angry to read about how he's treating you, and using your DS to keep on abusing you.

[SwannMum]

Thankyou JusJusDad, I've just emailed them. Yes he is a complete and utter knobber. It's all so disturbing. I have no idea how things got like this. I loved the guy for god's sake. Had no idea he could be like this.

I'm keeping a log of events. And thank god. I never expected things to get to the point of solicitors.

I've already spoken to the GP as I was starting to wonder whether I was actually mad, but she said definitely not! She didn't think antedepressants would help. I suppose it's just a matter of dealing with it. Talking helps though and god, have I talked at length about this now! On the bright side, at least I never married the guy. I'm grateful for that at least.

Thanks again! You've helped very much!!

[SwannMum]

By the way, thanks for your advice. I shall definitely look into all the points as soon as I get a reliable solicitor.

[JuJusDad]

Ok. From what I've read there's a lot of intimidation and power plays.

Hell, I'll say it straight - he's abusing you. Get in touch with Women's Aid.

Paedophile centres. What a knobber. The way he's acting and behaving towards his child and the mother of his child, he's lucky to get any contact at all. Can't recommend strongly enough that you contact this site so that you set up supervised contact. You have plenty of reason to do so. If he doesn't attend, who looks bad? He does.

Record everything. Make contact via email or text. Buy a dictaphone for any face to face conversations, but preferably have them in front of trusted third parties.

What's that? Can't record the conversation? Er, yes you can. Legally, so long as one of the parties knows the recording is taking place, (and you'll be the party who knows), then you're fine. Just wouldn't push his face in it. Just means that suddenly you've got a really good memory...

Also make a diary of events - all dates and times when he's done something shitty (as per your posts here), and any events where he has done stuff in freont of others.

Lastly, speak to your GP - you may not like them, but anti depressants may well help you regain a level of balance in your self. Meanwhile, be good to yourself.

HTH

[SwannMum]

The plot thickens. I think he is trying to intimidate me. I've gone past caring whether he thinks a mediation centre is a paedophile centre or not to be honest. I've done all I can in the circumstances and my patience is wearing thin. I really don't understand him at all. I can understand that he's pissed off that he can't see our son all the time. I would be absolutely devastated if it was me, but it is his actions which have made things like this by threatening me, being so secretive about who is seeing our son on "his" time and stealing things from my house. If he had just spoken to me reasonably weeks ago, or even just answered his phone when I tried ringing, I really don't think we'd be in this situation now. Despite all he's done, I have let him into my house twice a week to see our son as I was advised originally by the solicitor. What more does he expect me to do?

I phoned the DVLA today to get a replacement log book. I explained the situation and luckily there doesn't appear to aby changes to ownership... I was a bit worried that he would sign my car over to himself. Am probably being over the top. I guess it's the stress.

The best bit is I phoned to make an appointment with my solicitor again today to get advice, but have been blocked. I had originally been to see her a month ago. Basically they are claiming that there's a 'conflict of interest' because my ex had apparently also been in on the same day. Since I had got the solicitor to check beforehand that he was not already listed with them, and he wasn't, this seems odd. However it is also interesting that this has happened given that his brother works for the firm isn't it. He's based in another city but is pretty high up. It seems a bit suspect. Plus the ex had stated only last week that he "couldn't afford" to see a solicitor and hadn't been to see one yet. The date when we supposedly had an appointment on the same day was a month ago, so someone is lying somewhere.

The conflict of interest bit is fine obviously but what really pisses me off is the lying. It feels like an old boys club. I'm going to contact the Legal Society tomorrow and ask them to check the firm's records. There will be a trace somewhere on their computer systems to see whether or not they are indeed telling the truth or lying. If it is the latter, it is not exactly good legal practice.

The police and his brother the solicitor. The so-called paragons of law and righteousness. What a joke.

[SolidGoldBrass]

If the house is in your name he has no right to enter it without your permission: change the locks and don;t let him in again.For a policeman he talks a lot of rubbish about the law: this is probably an attempt to intimidate you ('I'm a copper and i have a penis so I am always right and I am entitled to enforce my wishes no matter what you think because you're only a woman and a civilian'). THe idea of threatening to write to his boss about his behaviour is a good one, too.

[twoclimbingboys]

Go and see a solicitor.

If he has stolen from your home I would contact the Professional Standards Department of the force he is in and report it tbh

[NicknameTaken]

If he is harassing you during contact, you could apply for the court for contact to take place at a contact centre. He may call it a paedophile centre and refuse to go there, but if it's his only option, then he just has to accept it (or give up on access).

Alternatively, you could try doing handovers in a public place - eg. local railway station, library etc. Men like this can often be better-behaved inpublic.

[StirlingTheStrong]

Just one suggestion - keep a diary. You may be doing this already but make sure you record everything he says and does. You may need this if things get nasty.

Good Luck

[mrsboogie]

what's all this about paedophile centres? the places where supervised access take place have nothing whatsoever to do with paedophiles. If he is that ignorant as a police officer it is quite worrying.

[SwannMum]

Yes. The law was changed in 2003 so he does have parental responsibility. The thing is I want my son to know who his father is, but in a safe way. I don't want him being used as a sort of pawn, which I feel he is.

The thing is, I've done all I can. He's made it so that I don't want to see him because of all the rowing and upset and my mum also doesn't feel comfortable acting as a medicator becasue of how he was with her. Moreover I just don't want him in my house in case he starts taking other stuff. So what option is left? I can't exactly leave my son in the middle of the road for him to pick up. There will always have to be contact between us. I'm going to speak to the solicitor next week and see what I should do. I suggested formal mediation to him but he said he wouldn't go to a "paedophile centre", so my mum has agreed to resume contact even though it really means her giving up all her free time.

[SwannMum]

That's actually not a bad idea. I know, him being a policeman is so ironic isn't it? He does often use words of 'The Law' to lecture me actually. When I asked him to give me the house keys, he said he had a 'right' to this possessions which meant him having access to the house. I told him that if he didn't give me them back I would get the locks changed.

Although he got it wrong when he said it's "none of your business" whom he brings to see our son... basically he had hidden his mother (whom I do't like) in the car on the last visit when he came round. I don't care if he wants to bring round his whole family with him to see our son (whom I call 'the goof troop'), just as long as he's honest about it. I do have a right to know who is with my son. This is when it gets problematic. I just am very upfront and really can't stand such furtive and dishonest behaviour. You can't be like that over a baby. And I don't understand why he is being like that. I've really gone out of my way to try and make this as easy as possible. I've been more than accomodating with access, even though he consistently breaks my trust by stealing things from my house and scurrying around bringing his mother when all he needed was to be upfront.

It's not because I don't like his parents- that's irrelevant actually, but I would not trust his parents with my son at all on their own. They're in their early 70s (closer in age to my grandparents actually) and they're just not physically or mentally able to look after a baby. His dad suffered a botched knee operation a couple of years ago and unfortunately cannot stand unaided. They "don't feel safe" driving on motorways as it is, yet were on about getting their car fitted wth a car seat to cart my son about in. Again, I told them quite diplomatically that they wouldn't be driving my son around because I didn't want him on motorways with a couple of 70 year old unconfident drivers. And most of all, they both get absolutely hammered every night- I ould almost think they were alcoholics actually because I cannot recall a time when they have both not been completely inebriated. I don't care what anyone says, judgement is impaired the next day- especially if you'rte in your 70s and I just would not feel happy about them looking after my baby at all. Of course, what I keep hearing back from them, is the fact that I must have 'postnatal depression' and am in need of 'intensive therapy'. Basically I'm the hysterical woman.

Moreover they just make decisions that I would not make. For example, we had only been out of hospital a couple of days when his mother was banging on about how we "HAD" to take the baby to the hospital where 'Amy' (my ex's brother's girlfriend) was recovering from a back operation. I said no straight away. He was under a week old and basically I just didn't want to run the risk of my baby being around all the germs and things you get in a hospital.... Any normal person would just accept my decision, but she had to phone the hospital up to check whether it was 'safe' and then report back. Of course no hospital is going to say, 'you know what, don't bring a newborn baby in, we've actually got a load of germs floating around, and people recovering from operations are dying left right and centre because of poor standards of cleanliness'. It's just common sense really. She also looked after him for a couple of hours and gave him milk which had gone rancid. He had really painful stomach ache for two days after. I never told her that becasue I was trying to be nice.

To be honest, all the distress and pain he has caused me, is almost worth the fact that I shall hopefully never have to see his mother again, I have to say!

I am just so thankful that I have my own house and my own income so at least have a choice. The whole experience has made me value my independence much more than ever before. I don't think I shall ever let my life become so financially entwined with another man ever again. Not unless he has something to bring to the table.

From now on it is going to be me and my son.