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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it okay just to be unhappy?

56 replies

ABitWrong · 22/07/2009 21:14

I have told my partner of nearly 15 years that I want to break up.
He didn't want to. He wanted to sort things out, said he would do anything.
He is now being extra nice to the children, so IF he gets to the point of actually moving out, and the children are upset....well, it is all my fault, isn't it?
It is just me.
Because I really don't want to do this any more.
Is that selfish?

OP posts:
Original poster
ABitWrong · 22/07/2009 21:57

He might say it. Depends on his mood.

OP posts:
pinkspottywellies · 22/07/2009 21:58

Your kids have a little more about them I think, than to believe that you made him move out, even though nothing was wrong and now you are all unhappy because of it. You will all be happier if the situation is resolved.

I wish I could come and give you a hug and kick his ass outta there.

Boco · 22/07/2009 22:00

It sounds really difficult, especially when you're already feeling so low, it's so much to cope with isn't it. But you just need to take it step by step, don't look too far ahead right now, just concentrate on little things - you've made a huge step telling him what you want and that was really brave. You've got lots of people who care adn who'll talk you through everything to come, so just keep talking.

(((())))

(dont' tell guad about that hug)

Original poster
ABitWrong · 22/07/2009 22:03

Thanks for support and hugs.
No, won't tell Guad [wry strained smile]

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pinkspottywellies · 22/07/2009 22:11

D'you know, my mum did the opposite when my dad left. She never told me that he'd done anything wrong (left for another woman) always said that we were much happier than we would have been with him, step-dad is fab and we're all better off. Then when it came to my wedding she let the floodgates go and told me how difficult it would be with her there and how she still feels so sad about how things turned out and thinks about how things might/should have been.

Just be honest with them. Don't slate him. You don't need to (and I'm sure you wouldn't). They know him (especially the older ones) and whatever happens they will deal with it and they will be ok. But just be honest and keep talking.

Boco · 22/07/2009 22:13

I agree with Pink. My parents split up when I was 13, - children really appreciate honesty and being talked to about what's going on - not the blame throwing or slagging off of course, just what is actually going on and why. They know you're not evil, they know you wouldn't do anything to hurt them, and they must know you're not very happy.

Original poster
ABitWrong · 22/07/2009 22:17

That was along time for her to hold it in Pink

can't imaginewhat it will be like telling them

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pinkspottywellies · 22/07/2009 22:33

I don't think she totally held it in. My sister was more aware but I was that bit younger. Threw me a bit a fortnight before my wedding!

Telling them initially will probably be the easy bit [inappropriately flippant]

It will be fine.

pinkspottywellies · 22/07/2009 22:37

Wish I could stay up and chat but need to go to bed. God only knows when DS will wake me up again!

Night night x

lilacpink · 22/07/2009 22:40

Have you got your own space in the house? I just wondered if you could get some space to think, perhaps even write the reasons down so you are thinking clearly under this pressure.

My DH and I have got through our probs, but when he moved out we went to councelling as thought it would help us break up without bad feelings even if we couldn't work through our differences. Maybe this could help for you (i.e. a third person to help so you could both have 'closure' and move on)?

Original poster
ABitWrong · 22/07/2009 22:44

No space at all. One slice of bed and a small bookcase.

Tbh, he is thesort who would sneer at counselling. And I know it is over, in my head.
The practicalities seem tricky though.

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lilac21 · 22/07/2009 22:47

ABW, are you sure you aren't married to my husband? You have quoted him almost word for word! We have had the same conversations, it goes round and round and he drags up conversations we supposedly had months or years ago in which he apparently recalls every word I said because he quotes it back at me. I get things like 'why don't you want to be with me?' 'am I so detestable?' 'but you've got everything you want'

Well the bad news is, I told him it was over in January and we still live in the same house. It took me about six weeks to get him to sleep in the guest room (which is also his home office so no point in me moving in there) and now, seven months on, there is no prospect of us living separately. I have a cunning plan but it takes time and money. Our daughters know that we sleep separately and that we are not having a family holiday this year but not why.

I wish he would move out, at least in the short term, he can keep his house full of half-finished DIY, I don't want it. I wish for your sake that yours would move out too!

Original poster
ABitWrong · 22/07/2009 22:53

Oh, I wish you luck!!

I only told him a couple of weeks ago but it seems like ages, and spent a few years beforehand wanting to do it but not daring.

Wish we had a spare room.

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hambler · 22/07/2009 22:55

I am very impressed at your courage.
Especially the bit about knowing it's over.
It is so easy to go on for YEARS, or even decades knowing it is over but not being brave enough to end things.
WELL DONE.

just keep going , doing what you need to do. Can I ask how old you are?

lilac21 · 22/07/2009 23:01

ABW, who else have you told, and who has he told about it being over? My almost-ex insisted that I didn't tell anyone at first and that he wouldn't either (wouldn't tell his closest friends from uni 30+ years ago that he sees several times a month because the end of our marriage wasn't 'newsworthy').

I told my parents, and then gradually my closest friends and a colleague, and now I will happily tell complete strangers in the post office queue if the fancy takes me! I only know one occasion that he has told someone, apparently she said that he should just keep trying and maybe it was because of the pressures of my job.

If you need to tell others to make it feel real, especially when you wander off and get into bed beside him soon, then tell anyone and everyone that will listen. Otherwise you start to doubt yourself and your own feelings. I've been there, and I have been told that he will tell the girls he still loves me and I instigated the split and it isn't what he wants. Be strong.

Original poster
ABitWrong · 22/07/2009 23:14

Thanks Hambler. I am 33.

Lilac, I told about 3 mums today actually. Like you say, to make it seem real. And also because I think it is probably obvious that something is up with me.
I am sorry yours is being so unreasonable.

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HolyGuacamole · 22/07/2009 23:15

Nobody deserves to be unhappy.

My parents split up when I was 16 but from the age of about 4 I have memories of them just being so unhappy with each other, not arguing or anything like that, it was just an unspoken, awkward unhappiness. If I could choose now, I 100% would have had them separate when I was small.

A mothers guilt is also a very powerful thing. It is a weak spot that a partner can play on to try and make you stay with them. Hard though it is, you need to try and not let the guilt cloud your judgement.

Basically what I am saying is that you deserve to be happy and if you get out of the relationship, it will be hard at first......but....the upshot is that the children (and you) can learn really valuable lessons - that you don't have to just accept a life that fundamentally causes you to be unhappy. Also, if it is hard at first, can it really be any harder than what it is like just now?

You only have one life and why should you spend it being miserable? There are a lot of really great examples on here of women who have been in your position and made it thru when they never thought they would and it makes really inspiring reading.

You can be one of those women. Honestly, you really, really can.

Original poster
ABitWrong · 22/07/2009 23:15

And I don't have to climb into bed beside him, thank goodness. He sleeps in the evenings and I sleep at night.

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Original poster
ABitWrong · 22/07/2009 23:16

I hope so HolyG.

I also hope that if it does happen, I will get some of my functionality back.

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whatanothernamechange · 22/07/2009 23:33

ABW am in the same situation. Told H did not want to be with him, then felt sorry because he cried and decided to work on it and I have been miserable ever since. Keep strong and moving forward.

whatanothernamechange · 22/07/2009 23:35

I've been through all the feelings you describe in your thread. it's been 9 weeks or so now.

Original poster
ABitWrong · 22/07/2009 23:38

Oh, the crying is hard.
Can you say again that you want to finish?

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ILikeToMoveItMoveIt · 23/07/2009 07:20

Morning love. I hope you had a chance to mull over what people have said here.

It's not the same as I didn't have children with my ex, but the loneliest I have ever been was when I was in that relationship. It seems funny that at the time of the split I was worried about being alone. Once we had parted I then realised how very lonely I was in the relationship. I still had the feelings of bereavement over the relationship, but ultimately I had never been so happy.

You will have tough times sorting all this out, but you have to stay strong and focused on what you want.

MayorNaze · 23/07/2009 13:37

{{{{}}}} over here for you

FWIW - my parents are in the process of splitting up at the moment after nearly 30 years together. they should have done it years and years ago, they really should have. it would have saved me a lot of unresolved ishoooos as well as their happiness also.

agree with everyone who said children appreciate honesty. if you need to split up, you need to split up.

littlerach · 23/07/2009 16:00

I think the same as Molly.

My parents stayed together when they onviously didn't like each other and my dad was never that nice ot my mum.

They split when i was pg with dd1 and they are so much happier now, and so are my sister and I.

You deserve to be happy, ABW.

And the practicalities can be sorted, but it will take courage and strenght and w bit of time.

{{{}}}