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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

married male friend

63 replies

solanum · 22/07/2009 18:36

How can I develop my friendship without getting his wife worried?I am married too.I do not want to develop a friendship with his wife-I do not even know her-I like him as a friend, but how can I meet him without giving off the wrong signals andpushing him away?Before I was married I used to have male friends, butnowIfeel thatpeople assumeyou mustbe afteran affair if you try to see a member of the opposite sex who is married.

OP posts:
sunburntats · 22/07/2009 20:40

I have been emailing a male work colleague allot over the last few weeks...about work, and i know and love his wife tons, but this could be seen as dodgy i spose.

Also i have a male pal who comes for a coffee with me at home regularly. just me. he is great company but just feel like he is like a brother to me. Dh knows him well, in fact he is a good pal of dh, but we just get on very well...nothing else. he did have a wife who i met only 2 times in all the years that i have known him...again, could be seen as dodgy!

But never ever would i ever think of these people in that way, never, and they dont think that of me.

Is that what op means?

mustrunmore · 22/07/2009 20:41

Have to say I'm with MP 100%. Really suprised at some of the responses. And fwiw, I have made friends without the wives/girlfriends having any involvement; if its a work thing, its just not relevant, and upon one occasion at least I've known the wife first but just not hit it off, but really got on with the husband. And I have male friends that I know thier other halves in as much as waving from a car etc.

hercules1 · 22/07/2009 20:41

I agree with morningpaper. It would be mortifying all round.

mrsjammi · 22/07/2009 20:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

AnyFucker · 22/07/2009 20:41

I think those who don't have a problem with this are missing out on the calculated nature of this

I have said this several times now and am boring myself so will shut up

OP, come back

AnyFucker · 22/07/2009 20:43

FGS, Mrsjammi, do you at least get what I am saying ?

crokky · 22/07/2009 20:43

solanum - it really depends on where/how you met this man. If you met him at work, I suppose it is reasonable not to involve his wife in your friendship, ditto if you met him doing some hobby that just you do, not partners etc. Why are you so keen to "develop" this friendship - it sort of implies that it might be going to go deeper?

mrsjammi · 22/07/2009 20:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

morningpaper · 22/07/2009 20:46

Yah where DID you meet this man?

Is he the postman?

Do you actually want him to give you a good rogering?

These answers probably important

hercules1 · 22/07/2009 20:46

My point about work mates is because I dont meet new people outside of work and dh and I dont socialise a lot. He does more than me. If I were to go out with friends from work, it would always be a group just because it would be an occasion I guess.
SImilar for dh.

AnyFucker · 22/07/2009 20:53

thank gawd mrsj, I thought you were on my wavelength

was beginning to lose the will to type

AnyFucker · 22/07/2009 20:54

OP buggered off methinks

SerendipitousHarlot · 22/07/2009 20:54

It's not the being friends with the other half part - it's the fact that OP has decided to deliberately state that she 'has no interest in getting to know the wife'

FabBakerGirlIsBack · 22/07/2009 20:55

I hear you AF.

mrsboogie · 22/07/2009 20:56

I agree with anyfucker fwiw. It's the particular context here -she wants to develop her friendship with him fair enough, but actively seeking to exclude his wife at this point shouldn't really be so important to her.

Having no desire to meet the wife is perfectly fine and vice versa and there may be no reason for them to ever cross paths but why plan ahead in such a calculated fashion??

mrsboogie · 22/07/2009 20:58

its an odd post, when you come to think of it - perhaps its just the way it came out on the page so to speak.

skidoodle · 22/07/2009 21:00

Totally agree with you anyfucker

Tbh I think it's kind of weird to plan to cultivate a friendship in the first place, but for those plans to involve any kind of exclusivity before there is even a friendship is bizarre and a bit suspect.

AnyFucker · 22/07/2009 21:03

< falls to knees in relief at some like-minded peeps >

mrsjammi · 22/07/2009 21:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

AnyFucker · 22/07/2009 21:06

and what does OP's own husband think of this devious plan ???

Op, if you don't come back soon (to your own thread ), it is going to look even more suss

hercules1 · 22/07/2009 21:07

I may have said this before but I love your name "any fucker".

AnyFucker · 22/07/2009 21:10

oo ta very much

mrsjammi · 22/07/2009 21:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

skidoodle · 22/07/2009 21:18

I want to know what the intended recipient of this gift of friendship feels about these plans?

If I realised someone had these kinds of designs on me I'd be backing off pretty sharpish.

mrsboogie · 22/07/2009 21:50

Suss!!

/folds arms

/adjusts bosoms