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Original poster

i need to handle a delicate situation regarding my dh desire for extreme privacy and my guiless garrulous tendencies

35 replies

indiscreet · 15/07/2009 22:34

I have namechanged out of respect for dh but I really need to talk about this.

I am not someone who blabs about anything and everything I have boundaries and respect privacy and in fact am a good listener (also have rubbish memory so secrets are often safe with me!).

I am currently a housewife with 3 children under 5 and living in a town where I have no connections before we moved here 3 years ago. I am lonely and have started making tenuos friendships with some local women with children at my ds school. One of whom I hope to become good friends with as I enjoy talking o her and am finding we have common interests (namely both have 3 similar age kids).

Anyhow was chatting too her yesterday and she mentioned her dh spends several nights a week playing an online game - I told her my dh also does this (different games). We enjoyed bonding over our similar frustrations with gamer dh's!

I mentioned that conversation to my dh that evening (not the bitching part!) - and he freaked out that I had shared such personal info with her! I ws shocked as I had no idea that the fact dh played an online game was confidental or crossing a boundary as I was talking about the effect his gaming has on me.

So this lead to an almighty row, tears (me) and ranting (him) - I have been given a very strong instruction not to discuss anything private relating to him or our sexlife with anyone aside from him.

However I feel somewhat curtailed by this and concerned that I will be headed for the divorce courts if I get pissed and talk about that time we had bum sex! Is he being ott about this and how do I broach the subject with the woman I talked to as I don't want her bumping into dh at Tesco's and making a joke about gaming to him and thereby pissing him off again!

I am really worried that I am going to either fuck up my marriage or remain a lonely housewife - how do I resolve this issue????

OP posts:
Original poster
indiscreet · 15/07/2009 22:36

doh! guileless

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Original poster
indiscreet · 15/07/2009 22:39

God my spelling is pisspoor in that op very poor - but I am so jumpy and worried I cannot concentrate.

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SolidGoldBrass · 15/07/2009 22:39

Tell him to get over himself. Saying that he likes to play a computer game on line is not the same as telling all your mates that he farts when he has an orgasm, or that he has a criminal record for an indiscretion in his teens, or that he thinks he might be HIV positive or has huge debts.
OK some people have different definitions of privacy to others, and it's reasonable to discuss these and compromise where necessary,but actually he can't forbid you to talk to other people. He's not your owner. And trying to isolate you from other people or control your communications is not behaviour that should be put up with at all.

FAQinglovely · 15/07/2009 22:42

I have a DH who likes his privacy in most areas of his life as well. I like to talk .

We've sat down and discussed the areas that when he says "please don't talk to anyone else about this particular subject" - I don't talk about it.

Then there's the areas that we've agreed I can talk about but keep details scant.

Everything else I can gas about to my hearts content.

Works for us- he gets to keep the bits of his life private that he wants private (and there are some things that I assume he'd want private when actually he's not bothered, and vice versa) and I get to talk.

Obviously we've both had to come to compromises (hence the "vague details allowed" catergory )

LovingtheSilverFox · 15/07/2009 22:43

Everything SGB said. There is no way he can control who you speak to, and if you had a serious problem, how are you supposed to deal with it?

This lady wasn't judging him, so what exactly is his problem? It sounds as though he is a little insecure, particularly if he wants to lay down rules as to who you can talk to and what you can discuss.

HolyGuacamole · 15/07/2009 22:43

He's over reacted has he not?! Maybe he spends an amount of time playing the game that he is embarrassed about so doesn't want anyone to know? A bit like someone who doesn't want people to know they have 3 cans of beer every night? Ok, it's not on the same level as getting pissed every night but it's the only comparison I could think of.

I don't really have any good advice as I am not a very private person and neither is my DH. I am quite free to discuss his foibles with my friends and as is he with his, within reason of course. Maybe some people are just a lot more reserved but it might leave you not knowing what you can or can't talk about?

Has he always been so private?

FAQinglovely · 15/07/2009 22:46

obviously when I say I can't talk about "x" subject - I mean I can't talk about him in relationship to that subject.

Original poster
indiscreet · 15/07/2009 22:47

I don't think his intention is to curtail my friendships but for him his privacy is absolutely sacrosanct and he has a horror of gossip - the fact that no one would give a rats ass that he plays online games does not seem to help!

He has had bad experiences with malicous gossip in the past making him deeply suspicious. But I trust this woman and part of making a friendship for me is the exchange of confidences and personal info which will include some about dh in relation to me and this is where I feel I will slip up. I have been left wondering what I can talk about in relation to him. While he feels I am being overly dramatic.

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HolyGuacamole · 15/07/2009 22:50

SGB - "farts when he has an orgasm" - ROFL!

Original poster
indiscreet · 15/07/2009 22:52

FAQ I think I need to learn from you how to get clear boundaries and negotiate compromise. Dh does tend to overreact then calm down - while I just simmer - but how do you deal with drunken convo's (not that I have any plans to go drinking with her as yet) - surely then lines can be blurred as well as speech slurred iykwim!?

Thank you btw - it has helped just writing this down and I feel much calmer already.

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GypsyMoth · 15/07/2009 22:54

Is this new behaviour for him? Would he have been bothered before about what you spoke to others about?

Original poster
indiscreet · 15/07/2009 22:56

sgb - pretty sure farting is off the acceptable topics lists

HolyG - yes he is a hermit at heart and a classic only child - I grew up in a large complicated family sharing a room and having no privacy so it just doesn't matter to me like it does him. And that is what worries me that I will slip up again, because I will forget! I don't want to hurt him

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Original poster
indiscreet · 15/07/2009 22:59

I think he is becoming more jealous of his privacy as he needs it so much to gett over the hard time he has at work - it is his refuge, and coping mechanism. While unfortunately talking about things is mine - not a great pairing in this respect are we!?

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hermionegrangerat34 · 15/07/2009 23:03

Hey, just don't tell him what you and your new friend talk about - after all,you need your privacy too...!

MoChan · 15/07/2009 23:04

I would be very, very pissed off if I thought my partner was talking to people about my sex life, for example, or my finances. So frankly, if I thought he were going to spill about that stuff at any point, I'd be feeling very nervous.

However, I do think it's an overreaction to get so upset that you talked about him playing an online game. When things have calmed down, I'd ask him to talk to you about what he considers to be private and not. He's being completely unrealistic if he expects you never even to mention him, or anything he does.

FAQinglovely · 15/07/2009 23:09

ahh now you see as long as it's not REALLY REALLY tmi - then DH isn't fussed if I'm talking to my friends about our sex life.

Whereas there are things that most people would think are rather benign that he would rather I didn't talk about at all.

moondog · 15/07/2009 23:19

Er..how did we get from online gaming to bumsex??

Original poster
indiscreet · 15/07/2009 23:24

I think it was just that he was so insistent that I don;t talk about our sex life (I wouldn't as a rule btw) that I am concerned that if drunk I would blurt out something just beause I know I shouldn't (I have been known to exhibit self-destructive traits)!!

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Original poster
indiscreet · 15/07/2009 23:42

the irony is my usual mn name is so apt it is a shame i can't use it

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CarmenSanDiego · 15/07/2009 23:48

Is there something odd about the game? Like does he play a female character or worry he's recognisable? Or if it's something heavy on interaction like Second Life, might he be involved in 'adult' pursuits?

Worst case scenario perhaps, but might explain the freaking out.

SolidGoldBrass · 16/07/2009 00:44

Again, tell him to get over himself. Whatever problems he may have had with 'malicious gossip' in the past are his problems and that doesn;t entitle him to make them your problem. Assure him you won't tell anyone else how big his cock is or how much he earns but otherwise your conversations with other people are your business.

Original poster
indiscreet · 16/07/2009 08:32

Thanks sgb I know what you mean but I do think his problems are mine to the extent that they affect me just as my hang ups affect him.

I will try to respect his feelings but I am sure that this is going to be an issue that keeps coming back to haunt me as other random verboten topics arise. Sigh.

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Original poster
indiscreet · 16/07/2009 08:38

Btw I know exactly what game dh plays and how there is no need for him to hide on that score.

I am not worried that he is up to no good (not any I am unaware of!).

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BitOfFun · 16/07/2009 08:38

Why don't you just show him this thread?

< joking >

TotalChaos · 16/07/2009 08:42

am with SGB. I suppose you could go down the FAQ route of almost an agreed list of topics - but I think he needs to get a bloody grip and stop being controlling, rather than taking work stress/past gossip out on you.