i need to handle a delicate situation regarding my dh desire for extreme privacy and my guiless garrulous tendencies

[indiscreet]

I have namechanged out of respect for dh but I really need to talk about this.

I am not someone who blabs about anything and everything I have boundaries and respect privacy and in fact am a good listener (also have rubbish memory so secrets are often safe with me!).

I am currently a housewife with 3 children under 5 and living in a town where I have no connections before we moved here 3 years ago. I am lonely and have started making tenuos friendships with some local women with children at my ds school. One of whom I hope to become good friends with as I enjoy talking o her and am finding we have common interests (namely both have 3 similar age kids).

Anyhow was chatting too her yesterday and she mentioned her dh spends several nights a week playing an online game - I told her my dh also does this (different games). We enjoyed bonding over our similar frustrations with gamer dh's!

I mentioned that conversation to my dh that evening (not the bitching part!) - and he freaked out that I had shared such personal info with her! I ws shocked as I had no idea that the fact dh played an online game was confidental or crossing a boundary as I was talking about the effect his gaming has on me.

So this lead to an almighty row, tears (me) and ranting (him) - I have been given a very strong instruction not to discuss anything private relating to him or our sexlife with anyone aside from him.

However I feel somewhat curtailed by this and concerned that I will be headed for the divorce courts if I get pissed and talk about that time we had bum sex! Is he being ott about this and how do I broach the subject with the woman I talked to as I don't want her bumping into dh at Tesco's and making a joke about gaming to him and thereby pissing him off again!

I am really worried that I am going to either fuck up my marriage or remain a lonely housewife - how do I resolve this issue????

I wouldn't tell him about conversations with friends in the first place.
I would talk about whatever you want to with people as long as you are sure that they are discreet.
I have a neighbour that I don't discuss anything much with because she tells me all sorts of things about other people and I am very uncomfortable with it-I don't think it is information that she should broadcast. I have a few good friends that I would be much more open with, but I know that it would go no further.
I find that my DH and DSs have a completely different take on it and they can't understand why women discuss these things.
It is rather men are from Mars/ women are from Venus. I don't mix it.

he's maybe sensitive about his inner geek being exposed.

Just tell your mates what you want. My friend and I are ridiculously indiscreet with each other - I know way more about her DH than I ever needed to know, and vice versa. Neither of our DHs realise this, and it all works fine. I wouldn't list telling my friend that DH likes gaming as a woeful indiscretion, though. I'd describe it as a fact.

There is a reason why people want/need friendships (or use places like MN) outside their marriages - sometimes you do need to let off steam, or get advice, or a different opinion, or to share the good stuff. Your DH is being very precious. In your shoes I would carry on regardless, without making him look like a fool, and just not tell him.

What's the game? I fear it must be one of those virtual life ones, where he has another wife who he shags in the woodshed.

Wouldn't it be marvellous if you and your new friend found out your gaming husbands shared the same online wife? Now that would be having stuff in common.

But seriously, he sounds like he feels baaaad about his gaming habit. Perhaps he should give it up?

Lol no he isn't leading a '2nd life' it's just a complicated lotr type strategy thingy. The only thing that bothers me is the time it takes.

< pretends not to have noticed >

Because online gaming is in the same group as sex....?

Just don't tell him what you talk about with your friends.

He really can not tell you what you can talk about.

Just don't tell your DH what you talk about. A friend and I were discussing the other day the inability of our husbands to make a meal for their children without consulting us. DH doesn't know we had the conversation, no harm done. In fairness to DH, he wouldn't mind at all - he would be pleased to know he wasn't alone! He understands how important it is for me to have some chums locally to meet for coffee, lunch etc as well as our friends as a couple that we see together.

Your husband is being pretty selfish I think, and not understanding your need to establish new friendships. There is always going to be an element of sharing, it's how you make friends!
What does he talk to his friends about, or doesn't he have any?

He's not a bit depressed or something is he?

It sounds a bit paranoid and self-centred like people can get when they're depressed.

Otherwise I agree with the others. Don't tell him.

My dh once went mad when I told someone he plucks between his eyebrows but I can understand that, I suppose. He still goes on about it anyway and it was about 10 years ago.

Total - I can assure that my DH is anything but controlling - but he's as entitled to his privacy as I am mine.