Awkward situation with dh and good friend

[hillbilly]

I have a very good friend whom I have known ever since our 4 yr old dd's were a few months old. When we met we hit it off immediately and a great friendship developed. Over time the husbands also met and got on just fine - they would never be close friends but got on well enough for fairly regular social occasions at each others houses (we live minutes from each other).

We both conceived our ds's on the same weekend (accidental) so obviously were close during the pregnancies and births. Our dd's are really good friends although they attend different pre schools.

My dh and I have a good relationship but as with most there are sometimes issues. On a couple of occasions I have confided in my friend and the last time was in around February after we had both had a fair few drinks. I was quite emotional (quite normal for me and especially so because I was going through a really tough time with ds who slept really badly!). It was not a big deal though and we talked the next day and she said what are friends for anyway but to be a shoulder to cry on sometimes.

Anyway since then, dh has noticed a change in her behaviour towards him. He has commented that she seems very uncomfortable around him and hardly speaks to him.

Then yesterday at a sport event for our dd's, my friend arrived after the rest of us parents and she said hi and kissed everyone hello, sidestepping dh to greet the person he was talking to. I even noticed this myself.

This morning he announced to me since he is now convinced that he is NOT imagining it, that after Friday (they are coming round for dinner with another couple) he is done with her and does not want to see her again, and that if she is coming round with dd, then I should tell him so he can make sure he is not there.

I am so sad and really upset by this on so many levels. First, does she dislike him? What I talked to her about was really not that serious. Secondly, how can I sustain a relationship with her when there is animosity between her and dh? Thirdly, what happens now for our dd's? Does that relationship also have to end?

I am very nervous now about the dinner party on Friday. It will be interesting to see how she behaves around him.

After Friday should I talk to her about it? I can't just stop seeing or speaking to her without explanation, but I also don't see how I can stay good friends with her if she is being so disrespectful to my dh.

I really need help with this, I'm so upset about it.

Right, then it has gone on long enough.

You don't have to explain yourself or justify your relationship to anyone but you do need to sort this or it will just get worse.

could it perhaps be that the problem is more to do with her situation? Perhaps something you told her about your dp, although not that bad, struck a chord with her about some behaviour she has had to put up with from her current or past dp? Perhaps the first sign in her case that something bigger was wrong, and this has caused her to overreact? I have had this happen with friends and usually once you point out nicely that they are overeacting they realise this

Thank goodness, BecauseIm/DrunkenD - that was my first thought too. I was beginning to think I had a nasty suspicious mind!

The timing could coincide because she was consoling him? Sorry.

I wish you all the best in the situation hillbilly but I have to say, I share absolutey everything with my best friend, and would find it hard having my dh telling me he didn't want me sharing things with her. Fortunately, my BF is very discrete and has known me longer than dh, so she would never, ever let on to him that she knew something he didn't know I had shared. I would feel let down by her if she was being so rude to my dh on purpose.

That said, I found out some things about my BIL once that I did not appreciate, and I found it very hard to be civil to him afterwards, knowing that he had treated my sister so badly.

You know what my problem is now though - if it to do with what I confided to her, then I really don't want to tell dh that. I'll have to cross that bridge when I come to it though.

Rapidly losing the opportunity to speak to her before tomorrow nights dinner party though.

Call her

Speak to her then you can decide.

i think its very normal to confide in gfs about marital situation but I would never expect my gfs to act differently around my p/h

That's a given. Some men don't like the fact that women confide in their girlfriends that's tough as far as I am concerned.

But it's sort of an unwritten rule in my circles (all of them) that you don't treat the ps any different. Most of them have issues as far as I am concerned so I treat them with a detached amusement. They are not anyone I need to get close to.

If that seems a bit jaundiced then so be it!!

I think it's a bit odd TBH to have confided something to a friend that you can't then tell DH you told her about. e.g it's easier to confide in the friend than it is in DH?

It isn't odd.

Sometimes you just need someone less close.

Yes, agree it's good to have someone removed from the situation to talk to, but to not be able to tell DH you'd dicussed it?

Nothing wrong in that.

You don't have to tell your DH everything you talk about and what is the point if you know it will cause a problem?

DH does not like me discussing personal/financial issues with anyone. However I do discuss these things because I am like that. I need to talk to my friends or my siblings. We are just different in that way plus I am female and females generally do it more than males

Don't worry I'm like that too

I'm exactly the same too. And I think it would be kind of the same in reverse too - that is, if DH and I had a big argument and her told me he'd discussed it with a friend, I would be quite hurt and cross, even though actually I think it would be reasonable for him to discuss it with someone - I just would prefer not to know quite honestly.

Yes, surely that is part of friendship? When you have a problem or a gripe with your partner- however big or small- letting off steam with a friend is very natural, as is not telling your partner about it afterwards! I have plenty of conversations- some about him- that I don't talk to DP about. I am my own person after all!
So I think it's perfectly fine to want to keep your convo with your friend quiet from your husband.

As for her reaction- if that's what's going on here- I think that unless she knows of some actual abuse or unacceptable treatment on his part (doesn't sound like that's the case), she shouldn't behave any differently around him.

When I was in a similar situation, it's interesting to note that my friend is someone who's always keen to prove to everyone how very much in love she and her partner are.... even though I know their relationship isn't perfect and it's a bit of a show at times . Some people, like my friend, would only drop the Stepford Marriage act if things were really bad- so maybe she thinks that for you to confide about your marriage, things must be hellish. Which I assume they are not.

Blimey, sorry for rambling!

No Girl1980 things are not bad at all - in fact dh and I have a very good relationship as does my friend with her dh. I am sure that my dh knows that I do talk to my friends about stuff, but if this is the reason friend is being off with him and I tell him about it, then in his eyes that would be reason enough not to do it IYSWIM?

Anyway no chance to talk to her before tonight so will have to do it after the weekend. I think we are all together at a friend's ds birthday party on Sunday too.

I see what you mean.

Try and enjoy the get togethers.

So, here's an update - friend was particularly well behaved towards dh last night and funnily enough brought up the subject with me about their relationship. She is uncomfortable around him because she thinks he disapproves of her working full time (and also I think she thinks that he thinks she leads me astray, which is so untrue). Anyway she says she does not dislike him at all and will make a big effort to not seem distant.

Just found this thread. Glad things have been kind of sorted out.

I would recommend though that you and your DH have a discussion about how you deal with difficult things in your marriage, about how you need to be able to talk to a friend about them. Yes, he may not like it, but many, many, many women need a confidante and it's not fair to expect you to stew about things without airing them with an objective party. I would put it to him that talking about things with your friend, who you trust is discreet, helps to put them in perspective for you. It is a good thing for your marriage. If you didn't let off steam to her, whatever issue you were cross about could get bigger and bigger until you and DH end up having a huge row about it.

You need to be more honest with your DH - you both need to know where you stand with eachother.

Yes Flamingo I would agree with what you said.