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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Once a cheat always a cheat? Is there any point in trying to save my marriage?

76 replies

BeenThereFeltThat · 14/07/2009 23:29

If anyone wants the background I've posted about this before under this name.

Last night DH left his email account open when he went out and I saw a chat between him and the woman he had a 4 day fling with 3 years ago.
I confronted him about it when he got home and he came out with all the usual excuses:

'It was her who started the chat' No, actually it was him.
'Poor thing she's going through a hard time'. What about the hard time I've gone through since his fling(s)?
Bla bla fecking bla

He blames it on the fact I don't want to sleep with him, am a block of ice, have never been sweet or gentle or loving.

I blame all that on the fact that he has systemtically eroded my confidence and love for him due to his 20 years of cheating, since I met him in fact. He thinks I 'live in the past' that I 'love going over old hurts'.

You might at this point be wondering why I'm still with him, why I didnt leave years ago...well, he's fun (well he used to be...), intelligent, handsome etc etc and every time I found out about an infidelity he'd swear it wouldn't happen again and I, stupidly, believed him.

Problem is we now have 2 young DCs and last night he threatened me with legal action if I try to take them away from him, which I wouldn't because he's a good father but I had said 'what is the point, we shouldn't live together any more...them seeing us like this is not good for them'.

I told him I would love more than anything to be happy together, to have a great sex life with him but it's got to the stage where not just my mind is rejecting him but my body too. As if my mind and body are in collusion saying 'Why would you want to sleep with someone you don't trust? Why would you do that?'.

Also he won't take any responsibility for contraception, won't use condoms and I don't see why I should f*ck up my body with the pill or use other methods which are invasive.
I can't get pregnant again, am getting on and broke and there's no way I'm going through all that again just when the DC are finally starting to be easier.
It's easy for him to say 'let's have unproteced sex, nothing will happen' - his life would go on as normal and mine would be even more difficult.

I got out of bed and hid our passports as we already have flights booked to move back to my country later this year. He is coming with us but I think he may have a legal right to prevent me from going with them alone if things deteriorate. I said to him if you are coming with us then we have got to do something about our crap relationship. If you aren't prepared to do anything about it then don't come.

What a mess, how did things get this way?
Does anyone have any wisdom?

OP posts:
Original poster
BeenThereFeltThat · 15/07/2009 00:34

Holy - he doesn't seem to understand why it upsets me.

OP posts:
thumbwitch · 15/07/2009 00:35

Ah come on - he doesn't WANT to understand or admit that he's in the wrong! Of course he knows why - you try asking him how he'd feel if YOU shagged around, see how he responds to that!

Original poster
BeenThereFeltThat · 15/07/2009 00:37

thumbwitch - it's alway been fairly low tho I like it once I get started, just can't be bothered a lot of the time. ( I have never had an orgasm during sex either). The cheating has eroded my love for him, which me being female has a direct effect on my sex-drive. So, it is even lower...

OP posts:
Original poster
BeenThereFeltThat · 15/07/2009 00:40

thumb - the concept of me shagging around is so alien that he couldn't imagine it.
He has a real problem admitting he's wrong in general, about anything.
He's also very secretive and uncommunicative and takes it personally if I ask him the most innocous question about a domestic thing for example, or 'who was that who phoned this morning?' for example.
He thinks im 'checking' on him even when im not.

OP posts:
hambler · 15/07/2009 00:42

I don't really get why you want to stay with him.If it is ONLY for the kids (not to minimise this as a reason) I can't see a happy ending for you.

have you envisaged life without him? Where yuou would live/ how you would get by financially?

Original poster
BeenThereFeltThat · 15/07/2009 00:43

He never volunteers information about anything, never leaves me a note to tell me something...rarely has an opinion...

He would say it's because I talk too much, always have an opinion, make all the decisions for us, am bossy...

OP posts:
thumbwitch · 15/07/2009 00:45

that's cos he has a guilty conscience and men in particular hate being made to feel guilty so they always deflect it back and make it Your Fault somehow. He probably says things like paranoid, delusional, jealous, nagging, isitanywonderIfindcomfortelsewhere - yes?

Seriously - do you like/love him? Can you bear to waste any more time on this relationship? How much more can you take? He is NOT going to change the way things are at the mo, he has no reason to.

It's up to you.

HolyGuacamole · 15/07/2009 00:45

If he doesn't understand why it upsets you, then he has no reason to stop. In his eyes, it seems that what he is doing is not that bad or not worth you getting upset about.

A husband should actually care about how you feel and in the case of your DH, he should be ashamed of himself for having treated his wife SO badly for many years. A man who cannot understand that is not worth your time.

This man will not change and you have to put a higher value on yourself. What would he actually do if you chucked him out or left him? Would he care, would he fight for you? Would he make your life hell? Or would he not give a hoot and just carry on like he has for the last 20 years?

hambler · 15/07/2009 00:46

Beenthere, read this over dispassionately, as if it was about someone else.
Can you see what a baddy your dh sounds?

What are his redeeming features?

Original poster
BeenThereFeltThat · 15/07/2009 00:47

hambler - as i said earlier i think the kids would benefit from me (and him) being happier and if the only way to achieve this is by splitting then maybe we should. OTOH i cant imagine life without him and they would lose out on many, many levels even if they saw him regularly.
i love him and i like him but its been so many years of being ground down by this...i feel it has really shaped me. I dont want to repeat the pattern both our mothers went through either of splitting up and then being alone for the rest of their lives.

It must be possible to be happy.

OP posts:
hambler · 15/07/2009 00:52

Been there, I feel for you.
This is not an easy decision.

Below is something I copied from mumsneta while ago.

This is a miserable situation for you and I do sympathise. But what you need to do is concentrate on yourself, and on doing things that boost your self-esteem and make you feel good. You cannot make someone stay in a relationship with you, or remain monogamous, unless that person wants to remain in a monogamous relationship with you. And it's also sad but true that if you are saying to your partner 'please love me, please choose me, please stay with me' it is a bit off-putting: if you are cheerfully getting on with life, being friendly and civil to him but not spending any time worrying about what he thinks or is going to do, then not only do you actually become more appealing to him but (and this is the important bit) by acting as though you have a worthwhile life and more important things to think about than what he is going to do with his dick, the more you do it, the more you will believe it and the better you will feel

Original poster
BeenThereFeltThat · 15/07/2009 00:55

holy - i think he would fight, i was scared last night for the first time ever. i hid our passports.
He loves his kids to bits and is a great dad, i dont think he would take it out on me as that would affect them.

hambler - redeeming features apart from those mentioned above (handsome, intelligent and knowledgable) great cook (shops and cooks every day for us), works hard, gets on with everybody in my family really well...still fancies me despite me being a jealous nag

OP posts:
hambler · 15/07/2009 00:56

In other words can you look to what makes you happy OUTWITH your marriage?

Don't look to your dh for validation. Put all thoughts of your (currently duff) husband and relationship to one side, at least for a bit.

Build up your own interests ans self esteem. This in itself may change the relationship dynamic.

Then reexamine whether you want to remain married to your dh.

HolyGuacamole · 15/07/2009 00:56

Nice one Hambler. Never a truer word said.

hambler · 15/07/2009 00:58

Holy I can't take credit. I just copied it. I suspect it was solidgoldbrass. It made a big impression which is why I copied and saved it

Original poster
BeenThereFeltThat · 15/07/2009 00:59

hambler -thanks for the quote. It is many year since i cried about this, i am cool as a cucumber, i have a very busy life with loads of projects on the go, always. i dont sit at home crying. being friendly and civil to him might help tho, i agree. I think he wants someone to admire him and adore him and he isnt getting that from me lately, but then he doesnt reciprocate. since he is handsome etc it's easy for him to find admiration elsewhere.

OP posts:
hambler · 15/07/2009 01:00

Holy said
"a husband should CARE how you feel"

That sums it up

Original poster
BeenThereFeltThat · 15/07/2009 01:02

Plenty of things make me happy outwith the marriage, but my life still has a rotten core.

How much does Relate cost? We are utterly broke, which doesnt help either...

OP posts:
Original poster
BeenThereFeltThat · 15/07/2009 01:06

Thanks everyone, especially hambler and holy for staying on the thread.
I have to go to bed now. Too many late nights are not helping.

OP posts:
hambler · 15/07/2009 01:13

Are you crying now?

You absolutely need to be friendly and civil to him if you want to make a go of it.

Sounds like he has been a total (handsome, cheftastic) shit in the past.

Has he properly acknowledged this and wants to move on?
Do you want to have a happy loving relationship with him?
Can you forgive him?

If the answer to these 3 questions is yes, You MUST work on forgiving and forgetting. You will never ever have a happy relationship if you adopt a frosty, punishing stance. You can not punish him forever for being a shit.(and he WAS a shit, but we have forgiven that, right?)

Genuinely forgive, go beyond civil to loving, and give it a few months. If he goes back to his old ways, get the passports and RUN

With luck he will be entranced by the new happy you and fall in love all over again!

hambler · 15/07/2009 01:14

Speak again tomorrow if you like .
You sound down but not out.

HolyGuacamole · 15/07/2009 01:37

Hope you get a good sleep beenthere.

HappyWoman · 15/07/2009 06:59

If he really wants to then he can change - but as someone said earlier if you are allowing him to behave like this then why would he change.

My h was a prize shit whilst having an affair and it is hard for me to even think why i wanted him back. But he has changed so much and is now 'back' to the old loving man i knew he was but better in that he really considers my feelings much much more.

You really need to get on with your own life and i would also suggest seeing a solicitor - he doesnt think you would go through with it does he?
Once you dont care what he does with his life he may well want to be part of yours instead and that is what you really want isnt it?

However in answer to your question he has no need to change as he is able to continue with his life the way he wants to.

The other thing i would suggest is that you get some help in forgiving him for the past and consider this a new start for you too if you do want to continue with the marriage. It will be hard but you must make a pact with yourself that you will not be bitter about the past as you cannot change it and that you will handle any new infidelities in the only way you can - to leave him and accept he will not change. Be the person you want to be and not let his behaviour turn you into this cold frosty person.

He should absolutly not be contacting any of these woman if he wants to make a go of the marriage and you need to tell him that is one of the conditons If he ever does again you need to carry out your threat and leave him to it. Sorry but you need to show him the line in the sand and if he is serious he will do everything he can to please you.

Good luck though

makeitbetter · 15/07/2009 08:11

i was in a VERY similar situation.
My DH who i adored constantly cheated on me for 8 years. Affairs, emails, phone calls. I would find pictures,texts, gifts. He would smell of other women.
Of course it was all in my head, i was jealous and possisive. I was overreacting. He told me that he told all his friends and they thought i was a bitch to him. I chose to believe what he said as i loved him so much and wanted it to be true.
He eventually admitted most of his affairs when i was 3 months pregnant. But was pleased as i then knew and we could move forward. It dystroyed me. But i tried to move on and not think about it.
He kicked me and our baby out when she was 4 months old as apparently he couldnt stand to look at me.
Fast forward 6 months and he was begging for another chance. He had been with ALOT of women in the time inbetween but apparently realised he loved me. Like a stupid fool i took him back. I told him i couldnt comitt and it took 18 months before i said we were back together... but they were only words.
I gave up my house, my job and my family and moved away to live with him again.
Literally 2 months later i found more emails. Again, it was nothing, i was being unreasonable, i needed to get a life. I kicked him out.
Few months later i find out he was also having an affair with a 19 year old girl. She is now his GF.
I cant lie, it has been a horrible horrible time. But not for one second do i regrett kicking him out. He had slowly worn me down to nothing over the years and the constant cheating. Im reclaiming my self and my only regrett is that i didnt do it sooner and wasted so much of my life with him.
YOU ARE WORTH MORE THAN THIS. You know it, its just scary to have to do something about it.
He, like my soon to be ex dh, will never change. NEVER. Dont let him ruin your entire life.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 15/07/2009 10:24

If there is a problem with sex in a relationship you talk about it. You do not sleep with, fondle or kiss someone else. Lack of sex seems to be an issue but his cheating is not your fault. Why did you start witholding sex? was it to do with his cheating behaviour? Come on - he's a cheat and a liar, he doesn't care about you or respect you, what do you want? He shit all over your marriage a long time ago and carried on shitting on it. Will he change? No.