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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Where did all my friends go?

44 replies

Zahora · 14/07/2009 22:09

I was just wondering if others have felt that after having a baby, your old friends just seem to disappear?

OP posts:

booyhoo · 14/07/2009 23:01

yep, i have one friend from before children and she doesnt have any so doesnt always want to meet with my two being there. it hurts soetimes

mrsmaidamess · 14/07/2009 23:02

I think it all the time! I have more 'acquaintances' now. People I might have a chat too in the street but wouldn't invite over for summit to eat.

Original poster

Zahora · 15/07/2009 00:43

I feel so lonely somtimes without my friends. how can they be so selfish? They used to be there all the time, suddenly they just don't care and are not interested because they'd rather go out

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WoTmania · 15/07/2009 07:51

yup. Happens lots. Find friends with babies and enjoy time with them rather than wishing you were still seeing the old friends.

frazzledgirl · 15/07/2009 09:18

I've seen my (former, I suppose) best friend three times in the two years since Ds was born.

She hasn't replied to the email I sent in Feb.

Miss her, but now too bloody angry to get in touch because I suspect I'd go off on one...

MamaLazarou · 15/07/2009 09:35

Sorry to hear your friends have been rubbish, Zahora. I hope you can make some lovely new ones.

Original poster

Zahora · 15/07/2009 10:17

I have made a new friend at the playgroup, and we get on very well and spend time together, but somehow I just don't understand what I did wrong to my old buddies? I have a dh and my ds isn't much trouble to take out, but my friends treat me like a leper, just when I need them the most.

OP posts:

WoTmania · 15/07/2009 11:10

I think a lot of it is that you no longer have going out and drinking etc in common.
My friends who haven't drifted are interested in the children and enjoy seeing them or hearing about them. The ones I no longer see find them boring but as a SAHM they, and my voluntary work(as a BF peer supporter) are my main topics of converstaion.
I recently was dwelling on the fact that one of my closest friends - she was my bridesmaid - has dumped recently then realised I'm better off cherishing the friends I've made who have children.

weenawoo · 15/07/2009 11:31

it's difficult, since I had DD I've been a SAHM. My old friends seem to lack respect for me since I gave up work. I'm expected to understand that they are far too busy to see me, the flip side of this is that they feel they can cancel/change plans at short notice as I obviously have nothing better to do!

MamaLazarou · 15/07/2009 11:43

I doubt very much whether you have actually 'done' anything, Zahora - rather that your priorities may have changed, and they may feel (wrongly) as though they have nothing in common with you any more.

WoTmania · 15/07/2009 12:07

weenawoo - yes, obviously as SAHM mums we sit on our arses all day while the offspring see to themselves. I got told the other day that 'obviously certain things are easier though. If you want to say pop to the post office you can anytime'. yes, even it's pouring with rain and I can either get myself and 3 children drenched, or I can get 3 children into the car, find a parking space, get them out of the car, stil get drenched walking to P.O, walk back t car, etc.
And I think SAHMimg is undervalued as you aren't earning money.

weenawoo · 15/07/2009 13:23

...and we spend our whole day going out for coffee and cake!

RenagadeMum · 15/07/2009 13:24

Don't worry, they come back again. Didn't understand my old friends for a while when in full mummydome, but now beack to being able to have a good old chat.

Give it time

MorrisZapp · 15/07/2009 13:47

Ime there are two sides to this. I have lost a friend to motherhood despite making an effort.

It was totally impossible to have any conversation with her at all (including phone cobersation) due to the wee ones (quite rightly) needing all the attention. And when the baby slept, she slept.

I couldn't ring her as I knew that she would always be eiher up to her elbows in childcare or asleep, or putting the kids to sleep. I explained this and said could you call me when you get a chance but she never did.

On the odd times when we did manage to chat her eyes would glaze over and I could sense her trying really hard to pretend to be interested in things not directly related to her kids.

To be fair, she wasn't my best friend and I'm sure that my closer friends would still be pals if they had kids.

But I've found (and my other friends have found) that maintaining a friendship with a mum when you don't have kids yourself is really hard, on both sides.

frazzledgirl · 15/07/2009 14:17

I see what you mean, Morris - I noticed the same when I didn't have kids and my friends did.

But I try really hard not to witter on about DS all the time, and I meet my friends without him, and I ask questions about their jobs and everything. Another close pre-baby friend, who has kept in touch and I see regularly, says I'm the same person as before (she volunteered the info, BTW).

My 'best' friend was always crap at keeping up with everyone else but found time to mail me most days - now she doesn't even do that. It dwindled down to one email every couple of months, generally her apologising for being rubbish lately and then promising to do better. And not, obviously, being better.

And now, nothing. I keep wondering whether to mail her, just to point out that she's gone from crap to non-existent and it's really hurtful. But then I think, why would I want to be in touch with someone who has to be guilt-tripped into returning calls? But I really want to tell her I'm hurt. It sounds pathetic and playground-ish, but this is someone who was closer than my own sister.

Is it worth it? How would I do it if I was going to?

WoTmania · 15/07/2009 14:56

You have a point Morris but with my friends I have phoned, left messages, texted and facebooked (the bridesmaid in particular).
When we meet up I ask about work, men, her family, what she's been up to. The moment I mention the children or what I'm up to her eyes glaze over and the conversation dries up.I just figure I can't be bother with doing all the running and try not to be too bitter

potatofactory · 15/07/2009 15:05

This is all sounding painfully familiar to me. I have struggled with much bitterness!

ADealingMummy · 15/07/2009 21:46

I'm feeling like this too ! We've been best friends since age 5 .

She has always been bad at keeping in touch by phone , I realised it was me who was always calling her . We were both at a wedding recently, and I felt as if I didn't know her . Quite sad really. I always remember her DC's birthdays , but she never remembers my DD's .
I don't want to lose her completely , but I feel sad because we aren't at all close anymore .

I am making new friends , but it's not the same as the shared history that my best friend and I had

Just thought I'd share my experience

weenawoo · 16/07/2009 09:42

I have to say that this thread has made me very glad that it's not just me.
I don't want to talk about dd all the time - thats one of the reasons I miss some of my old friends. I have a couple that can't be bothered to return calls and it does hurt. You don't really know what to do, one side of me thinks "if you can't make the effort why should I bother?". However it seems a shame to end a close friendship for no good reason.

potatofactory · 16/07/2009 12:12

It's not that close any more, though, is it, if they don't return calls. That's what's hurtful. My (ex) best friend does these infuriating gushing phone calls about how much she wants to see me (blah blah) - she did one about three weeks ago. About two weeks ago I texted and emailed to see if she wanted to come to a girls' night. Nothing - makes me sad, but also pretty bloody pissed off - cut the blinking gushing and be a bit more honest!

Greatfun · 16/07/2009 14:55

Let it go. I had exactly the same thing happen to me with an old uni friend. It just felt she saw me differently once I was a mother. I actually confronted her about it and she apologised and made all the right noises but still nothing. I stopped calling and thinking about it. I have made lots of new mum friends but I have to say few if any are much beyond that. I miss the closeness of really good friends (I still have some but don't see them so much) but I have learnt to adjust to being alone more and having lots of fairly superficial conversations. Its just a different stage in life.

bakerslovecakes · 16/07/2009 15:09

Not just me then, I met my best friends when we were 16, we all became really close I spent more time with them than my family but when I had my dd (none of my friends had kids) I stopped going out socialising with them as i was a lone parent (no energy or money). We stayed good friends for a few more years but by the time my dd was 5 yo I hardly heard from them. I do miss that close friendship as now I only chat to other mums in the street if i see them, I dont really have anyone to go out socialising with or to confide in.

WoTmania · 16/07/2009 15:25

bakers Mine were all really supportive too with the 1st. Cute baby etc but I think it wears thin by baby 2 and then baby 3 you might as well be on a different planet. I guess they don't realise how much it will change your life and expect you to be back out within a few months.

ABetaDad · 16/07/2009 15:39

Zahora - the time after we had DS1 was difficult and we lost nearly al our friends but one. It took us until DS1 went to school to make new friends.

It is a life changing event and your friends are part of your life. You will make new friends though.

Original poster

Zahora · 16/07/2009 23:11

Hey guys, guess what....since I started this thread, I don't know what happened. I accidentally bumped into one of my best friends at lunchtime yesterday. We ended up having lunch and had a good laugh. Then when I came home, my other best friend called up to say she's coming to the sainsbury's near me and she'll pop round. She's coming round again tomorrow to borrow my pre-mummy dress. It's strange. It's been on my mind lately like is it me? Where are they ... I miss them. I've decided to continue making an effort and won't let them go so easily. It's just we used to go out, not just clubbing. But art galleries and theatres etc. I remember discussing babies with them and they used to say what wonderful aunties they'd make and we'd go places together with the +1. It just feels like I held onto those dreams of life with a baby and they prefer to not have a screaming little monster toddler around. I am feeling a lot better and they help me to keep that little part of the old me. But maybe that space they gave helped me to make some new mummy friends also, maybe I needed that xx

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