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Original poster

Where did all my friends go?

44 replies

Zahora · 14/07/2009 22:09

I was just wondering if others have felt that after having a baby, your old friends just seem to disappear?

OP posts:

BottySpottom · 16/07/2009 23:19

Maybe they are struggling with the fact they are not in your position now?

I remember going to a wedding where everyone seemed to be talking babies, toddlers, babies' food, toddler's toys, potty training etc. I was single but ready not to be and it was not only mind numbingly boring, but a horrible reminder that I wasn't as settled as them. Could this be it?

WoTmania · 17/07/2009 08:05

BottySpottom - I think with one of them it could be. I was always the more flighty unsettled one and we used to joke that she'd get married and have kids and 'mad aunt WoT' would come round to babysit. Now I'm the one married with 3 babies at 28, house etc and she's still living in rented with her sister, dead end job.

Aeschylus · 17/07/2009 08:30

Blimey you think you guys have it tough, try being a SAHD, jeez talk about dropped like a lead balloon.

Because I now have other things to concern me other than "who is the latest Footie Signing" I try not to talk about DS, but last time I saw them was last xmas, and it was so awkward, since them not heard a thing from any of them.

and making new friends as a SAHD seems nigh on impossible

WoTmania · 17/07/2009 08:36

A friend of DH's is a SAHD. He did comment that he'd walk into 'mother' and baby/toddler groups or just the song time at the library and it would go silent, everyon would turn and look at this rare species of Man......

weenawoo · 17/07/2009 10:35

SAHD must be even more isolating.
Wotmainia - I was always the flighty one as well. Maybe it's that we all have a role in friendship groups, so it's strange for the one that used to be the least settled to be the first to marry and have kids.
Thing is I'd love the odd child free trip to a beer garden and DH is more than willing to take care of the baby for the day(and night...).
It's sad that people think you lose your capacity to have fun once you are a parent.
I obviously have to be more responsible but, still would like the chance to let my hair down once in a while!

Domokun · 17/07/2009 13:36

I remember this being the other way round. We were probably the last of our circle of friends to have kids, and I remember that we would very often be left out of invites, events and other stuff because the 'mums club' stuck together and excluded us because we didn't have kids. And I'm not just talking about kids parties and the like, but other stuff too.

scrimble · 17/07/2009 18:27

I have a rather different perspective on this. My best friend recently had a baby. I knew this would alter our friendship and so was very ready to be flexible and understanding.

But I've been through various phases. First it was 'we never see you anymore' (err, no, I wanted to wait until you and hubbie had found your feet with a newborn). So, then, given what she had said, I phoned, texted, emailed...only to get no response whatsoever. And then I'm told that 'I love getting your messages, but when it comes to replying I just can't be bothered'.

I suppose what I'm saying is that people do change when they have kids, and it's not always easy for friends to see what it is they're expected to do/be.

picmaestress · 18/07/2009 11:30

From the perspective of a single gal with no kids, with a best friend (since we were 1!) who has a toddler and a newborn, I think it's just making an effort. A really big effort.

I mostly go round there, because it's hard for her to move the littlies about, but I always make sure to take wine and food.

Hang on in there...and keep making the effort. If someone is a true friend, it'll work out.

Blackduck · 18/07/2009 12:01

"where do all my friends go?" I don't know, but suspect they are down the pub with all mine.......

Parenthood changes things - priorities change, your perspective on things change.....some friends will hang on in there, and with some you get to the point that you really can't recall what you had in common with them in the first place.

llareggub · 18/07/2009 12:20

They do come running back though when they get pregnant themselves, trust me.

Blackduck · 18/07/2009 12:24

ll at my age (and my friend's) that is highly unlikely!

JanetPlanet · 10/06/2010 09:34

Unless I'm happy to fit in with what my old friends are doing (i.e. going to pubs, staying up later than 9pm), as if motherhood never happened, then I probably wouldn't see them much at all. I rarely talk about my son anymore and my so called best friend of 25 years doesn't really ask. I always ask about her life and try to be interested or sympathetic etc. DS was ill recently and I told my BF about it, her response was to ask me if I knew anywhere she could get false eyelashes done..... Fair enough that I don't fit the bill of someone to go out with anymore but feeling like you're being ditched still hurts. Decided to stop being annoyed about it and spend more time with friends with kids who get what's going on. Is it bad that when they have their babies I will NOT be offering to babysit, NOT be offering my shoulder to cry on and WON'T be available to answer endless baby related questions, I'll be too busy focussing on my family. I'm not bitter...honest.

ScreaminEagle · 10/06/2010 10:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

caniask · 10/06/2010 17:02

I'm beginning to realise that you can't have that level of intensity with all friends at all times. I have friends that I spoke to everyday from school days, then university friends, then work friends. You go through a very close period because of your shared experience at that time. Now that I'm a mother I'm having closer mum friends because we see each other more often. I'm still friends with all the old friends but just not in such regular contact. That's just the way life is i'm afraid.

onthepier · 10/06/2010 19:00

I remember feeling upset that somebody I was at college with never seemed to show any interest in my kids at all. I kept in touch with her as part of the group and now see her with the others about 3 or 4 times a year.

My dd's are 12 and 8 now and she's never asked one question about them! She's perfectly friendly to me still though, talks about her work, asks about mine and according to my other friend who I'm more in direct contact with, sometimes suggests she invites me out with them, with notice so I can get a babysitter.

I met her for lunch when my first dd was just weeks old and sleeping, and felt a bit upset that she didn't even look in the pram the whole hour, it was as if I didn't have my new dd with me. She talked about everything else!

onthepier · 10/06/2010 19:05

Sorry this bit was missed! :-

I realise thought that she's just not interested in children, and wouldn't realise her disinterest could come across as hurtful. She's almost 40 and single, and I've noticed is exactly the same with her colleague who's recently had a baby, NOT INTERESTED! At least I know it's not just me she's like it with! She talks about everything else when she sees me, her work, mine, friends, rock concerts but any mention of kids and her eyes glaze over! I like her but don't feel I have a lot in common with hner, lifestyles are so different!

HelenFF · 10/06/2010 19:15

I have been on the other side of this when I was struggling with three years of infertility and though I knew I should be making more of an effort, I found it intensely painful to be involved in discussions about pregnancy and children. One pregnant colleague I would talk to about everything else but when the room's discussion turned to baby I found myself having to tune out or even walk out to stop myself getting upset.

Now I am 38 weeks pregnant and have been a complete hypocrite by talking about baby all the time. I have even had colleague over with her baby - thankfully she seems to have either not noticed when I couldn't talk about him, or has forgiven me.

I wish I'd been stronger to be more involved but when I was getting over failed IVF I had to put myself first for a bit just to avoid breaking down.

In what is probably karma, however, I've moved to a new area where I don't know anyone (mum or not!) and have no idea how I can make new friends!

SalFresco · 10/06/2010 20:24

THe isolation aspect is why I have held off suggesting to DH he be a SAHD, even though it would make sense and I think he would be keen on the idea. I am really concerned that as a man, he would really struggle with the social aspect, and get very lonely.

VTrying · 10/06/2010 20:39

It goes both ways though....

I am single, not through choice, and childless, also not through choice. Probably too old to have any now (I'm 43 and have been single for 3 yrs. By the time I'd meet someone, get to know them and get involved in TTC again it would be too late.)
My closest friends have kids, and I have always been supportive, visiting them in their homes because its easier rather than travelling on busses with prams etc, meeting them where its more convenient,etc
Its not such a big deal for me. I am very fond of their DCs. I would drop everything in a hearbeat for my friends if they needed me.

However I spend nearly every weekend alone.
Because weekends seems to be family time these days(fair enough-I'd never want to intrude)
I could go from Friday to Monday without speaking to a soul. If I phone I often get the voicemail, and texts dont get replied to until after the weekend.
I do meet up with them during the week occasionally. But I definitely dont see them as much as I used to.

It can be very lonely. I have to make a special effort to make plans or visit family (a long distance away) just so I keep my sanity.
I understand that things change when you have children, but you know some of us would love to spend time with you guys if only we were given the opportunity.

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