Where to start?
OK. married over 10 years. Children. (who happen to have disabilities which means sometimes it's a bit challenging)
Husband never wants sex. Over the years I have learned to accept this, even convinced myself I was happy with it. I am not. But I am not going to leave because I do not want to be on my own. And in many ways he is a good bloke. We get on very well. Recently we have been affectionate (cuddles, kiss) after years of living like flatmates. But I know it's not going to go anywhere.
He says he has no sex drive because of all the problems we've had and ok, over the years there have been a few, but bloody HELL other people have worse and still get it up! 8 years and counting with NO sex because we have had problems . house problems, kid problems. business problems. But he won't ever look back and see a pattern. It's always - this is the reason RIGHT NOW. But what about before? It seems like things will always be like this. Get one thing sorted and he'll look to the next reason why he can't get it up and we have no life!
The main problem is his drinking. He doesn't drink every day, or even every week. He can go weeks between drinking but he cannot STOP when he starts. Or will not. Also, everything that happens he responds by taking off and finding a pub. If there is a problem, he has to drink. I don't get it. I feel like it is an excuse.
Like now. He is in the pub. Because - his brother's wife is over (without any notice! First we knew was a phone call saying she was in the country!!) and we have no money and because of building works have nowhere to put her up. Now that is just something you explain to her, right?
Noooooooo. Because of this he has gone to drink. He needs to think. Why does he have to respond to every little thing by drinking?
And he's always tired. He doesn't work 12 hours down the pit ffs. So why does he have to go and lie down every evening saying how tired he is? And he's always telling me how he feels tired and must be coming down with something - like being tired is something new for him, when in fact he has been spending most of his time on the bed for years.
He's either very depressed, or he just hates being with me, I don't know which. But selfishly I want a proper marriage, with a husband who wants me and wants to be with me and who doesn't take to alcohol for every stupid thing, making such a drama out of things that would not disturb anyone else!!
I just feel like nobody else lives like this and I am fed up of it. I think I have been patient - I have stuck with him for 8 years of not feeling attractive or wanted and having him disappear overnight, claiming to have slept in the car. I am in my 30s, he is in his 40s. I've wasted over a decade of my life and I feel so sick of it.
All that matters is how HE feels.
He doesn't want sex, so no sex
He wants to drink and stay out, so he drinks and stays out.
He wants to send lots of money to his home country so we send so much over that we have NOTHING here and I hesitate to spend a quid, thinking do I REALLY have to buy it.
What about me? What about what I want?
I don't want to leave him, but there has to be a way to push for change? Surely? To get through to him?