need to talk through my marriage if anyone is available.

[changedtothis]

Where to start?

OK. married over 10 years. Children. (who happen to have disabilities which means sometimes it's a bit challenging)

Husband never wants sex. Over the years I have learned to accept this, even convinced myself I was happy with it. I am not. But I am not going to leave because I do not want to be on my own. And in many ways he is a good bloke. We get on very well. Recently we have been affectionate (cuddles, kiss) after years of living like flatmates. But I know it's not going to go anywhere.

He says he has no sex drive because of all the problems we've had and ok, over the years there have been a few, but bloody HELL other people have worse and still get it up! 8 years and counting with NO sex because we have had problems . house problems, kid problems. business problems. But he won't ever look back and see a pattern. It's always - this is the reason RIGHT NOW. But what about before? It seems like things will always be like this. Get one thing sorted and he'll look to the next reason why he can't get it up and we have no life!

The main problem is his drinking. He doesn't drink every day, or even every week. He can go weeks between drinking but he cannot STOP when he starts. Or will not. Also, everything that happens he responds by taking off and finding a pub. If there is a problem, he has to drink. I don't get it. I feel like it is an excuse.

Like now. He is in the pub. Because - his brother's wife is over (without any notice! First we knew was a phone call saying she was in the country!!) and we have no money and because of building works have nowhere to put her up. Now that is just something you explain to her, right?

Noooooooo. Because of this he has gone to drink. He needs to think. Why does he have to respond to every little thing by drinking?

And he's always tired. He doesn't work 12 hours down the pit ffs. So why does he have to go and lie down every evening saying how tired he is? And he's always telling me how he feels tired and must be coming down with something - like being tired is something new for him, when in fact he has been spending most of his time on the bed for years.

He's either very depressed, or he just hates being with me, I don't know which. But selfishly I want a proper marriage, with a husband who wants me and wants to be with me and who doesn't take to alcohol for every stupid thing, making such a drama out of things that would not disturb anyone else!!

I just feel like nobody else lives like this and I am fed up of it. I think I have been patient - I have stuck with him for 8 years of not feeling attractive or wanted and having him disappear overnight, claiming to have slept in the car. I am in my 30s, he is in his 40s. I've wasted over a decade of my life and I feel so sick of it.

All that matters is how HE feels.

He doesn't want sex, so no sex
He wants to drink and stay out, so he drinks and stays out.
He wants to send lots of money to his home country so we send so much over that we have NOTHING here and I hesitate to spend a quid, thinking do I REALLY have to buy it.

What about me? What about what I want?

I don't want to leave him, but there has to be a way to push for change? Surely? To get through to him?

he'd never agree to that, Mavis. It would be stay together or part forever.

I just want to be happy. With him. In so many ways we are happy. He has so many great qualities. All I want to change is I want him to want me and I want him to stop needing alcohol. If those two things could change, it would be perfect.

Part of me thinks, and I know I have said this before, that he is gay. You see, culturally that would be unacceptable to him and he'd NEVER accept that of himself, but there is this part of me that thinks he is.

You stay because you think it is the best thing, you think that everything will get better at some point - when the next hurdle is passed. But there is always something else, something to make them tired, or stressed, or 'needing their own space' (oh yeah and when do I get mine?)or just another all night bender.

They rarely change. You've waited ten years (as have I). I've got life (pretty much) on my own terms now and although I would, of course, love to have someone to share it with me, if that person can't see beyond themselves to cherish and love me as they should then I'm better off on my own.

Yes mavis, you have hit the nail on the head, that is ^exactly it! I want to believe things will change, that this latest thing will be the last thing. But it never is.

I do appreciate the responses btw. I know that it is annoying to bother with someone who just wants to talk, rather than take action, pack their bags or whatever. It frustrates people. I just sometimes get down about it. While at the same time seeing this - fantasy ? - of a proper marriage and I feel that there must be something I can do to reach out, grab that and take it for myself.

My H has accused me of always living in the future and it wasn't until we split that I realised that I do that because the future would be when we would have 'proper' marriage! And lol at wondering if he is gay - me too (about my H, obviously, I couldn't pick yours out of a line )

If the two things that need to change to make it work are down to him then he needs to work to save your marriage - he needs to know how serious the situation is.

Hecate, my lovely, this all sound so unfair. You have taken huge independent steps to sort your own life out - your op etc, and it sounds as if he is stuck in a rut of introspection and gloom.

What do you love about him? What is it in your marriage that you would like to revive? Does he have any dreams or ambitions? He sounds a bit depressed or discouraged.

I think that carrying on discovering what YOU can get out of life, for yourself, is the right thing to do. But is there anything that he would like to do that you could encourage, enable or support him to do? years of problems sometimes mean you forget the feeling of achievement you get from making a little effort - perhaps he needs to be re-aquainted wih that. Could you take him on the equivalent of a little boot-camp - a fun challenging activity that would give you both a sense of challenge, exilaration and achievement? Even a walk across a moor, or a swim in a stream, or learning a new cut-throat card game?

You don't have to go to counselling with him; you can go on your own and would probably get on a lot better without his presence there, at the moment.

Sorry to hear things are so bad, and have been for some time.

Sounds like he is keeping you at arm's length, despite your assertions that you get on well together (platonically), using drink, and abstaining from sex, as a means of avoiding the reality of your relationship.

After 10 years it must be really hard to work out what is normal/acceptable from your perspective in a marriage. To people outside, a lot of what you describe sounds like a marriage that has already broken down. You could go to counselling etc. if both parties were so inclined, and equally motivated to work through the issues - marriages do survive even worse scenarios than those you describe. However, if you are the only one who actively seeks change, perhaps you are flogging a dead horse. Clearly being a single parent would not be an easy option, but with time it might be easier than having to deal with the stress and misery of living in an unhappy relationship. Life is short - and not a dress rehearsal etc. Sometime fear of the unknown prevents us from making a decision.

However, that's for you to decide. I'm only chucking in my thoughts, for what they're worth - and sending you my best. I've read your other posts before, and you sound like a reasonable, if not lovely person, so I hope things get better for you.

X-posted because I was interrupted.

RE the suspicion that you think he might be gay. It does seem that he diverst and avoids issues rather than confronting them, doesn't it?

What has made you think he might be gay in the past?

Is your emerging confidence a threat to him?

Why do you think he fell in love with you? What was it about you that made him marry you?

I am not suggesting that you actually have an affair, I totally understand how you feel, for me it's got to be DH or no-one.I was just wondering if it would be worthwhile trying to shock him into realising how serius this is for you. The thing is, at the moment, even though he knows how unhappy you are, he has no reason to change it does he? He knows that you will be there, being whatever sort of wife he wants right now, however sad it makes you. You need to find a reason for him to change. Maybe if he thought he could seriously lose you it might jolt him into action. But only you know what the likely outcome of that conversation would be.

When DH and I had our 'drought', it began because of a few health issues, but even when they were no longer a problem, we had got out of the habit and neither of us knew how to get back on track. Eventually I had to pluck up the courage to start the conversation. It didn't go well, tbh, and I had to decide whether to take a gamble. I needed to somehow convince him that telling me he loved me was no longer enough. I neede the physical stuff as well. ( I knew he had never had an affair so I never doubted his love for me). I told him I could no longer live without a physical relationship. And that the choices were a) we worked on rebuilding that side of our relationship, b) I find someone purely for sex or c) we separate. I didn't want b or c to be the solution, but I needed to show him how strongly I felt. Thankfully he said, straight away, he wanted to work on our relationship. Things now are fantastic. We are like teenagers again. I feel loved and desirable again.

I tell you this to show that it can work. But if you have no 'leverage' you have no room for manoevre and then you are stuck with whatever he decides and I don't think you want that!

What do I love about him? His intelligence, his sense of humour, how much he loves our kids, how he looks after me (in most ways!), how he encourages me, how he believes in me (that I could drive when I thought I was incapable for example), how he is proud of my achievements and pushes me to do more, he believes in my abilities! how kind he is, how positive he is - daft as that sounds! he is a bright natured person in most ways! He notices when I'm in a mood, or ill - he knows how I feel before I do! I love how helpful he is, I love that he is such a people person and everyone who meets him likes him. I am totally socially inept and he helps me hide it and coaches me on how to behave with people so they don't realise what I'm really like . I love how he gives me a foot rub even when he's knackered! He brings me a cup of tea every morning. Everything.

What would I like? intimacy and for him to stop running to the alcohol every time something happens.

What does he want? To be successful in life. He has a fear of failure and I know he feels he has failed in life. If we had another successful business he would feel better. But when we did have our business, he was always looking to the next thing to do. He can never enjoy the here and now, he's never satisfied with what we have right now. He's always looking over that next hill.

Boot camp sounds fun

I could go back to the cbt. It was very useful curing my needle phobia. One of my problems is I am very inconsistant. Sometimes I think I am not right in the head. I feel like I am not real. I never feel the same way 2 days running and I feel like 'I' am a mask I wear but there is nothing underneath it. No "me". I don't exist, I am just a role I play, I know how I am expected to behave and I play that part, but none of it is real.

Reading your last post, it doesn't sound like an open-and-closed case of "crap relationship". But he does need taking by the googlies and shaking!!

Got to go to bed, but hope things improve for you.

smellen, I think you have a very good point that I don't know what's normal. I have lived like this for so long that it is my normality, but is it enough? I don't know.

blu - I cannot explain why part of me thinks he is gay. I just look at him sometimes and feel it. But is that me trying to find a reason why he doesn't want me physically that is not my fault? Again, I don't know.

I don't think my confidence is a threat because he has consistently encouraged my independence and wanted me to be more confident.

Why did he fall in love with me? I don't know. I have asked him many times over the years why he loves me (fishing for complements!) and he says "everything" and if I ask him to name something, he makes a joke, like he'll say he can't split me into bits or that if he starts to list everything he'll be there all night, but he doesn't ANSWER! He doesn't say "I love X about you." The only thing he ever has said is that he was impressed by my intelligence and the quality of my English How romantic.

sayit - that sounds great, I wonder if I am brave enough?

It sounds like you are just mates to be honest. But he is even being a good friend.
If he is gay and in denial it must be an awful existence for him but it is unfair to expect you to stay in a hollow relationship.Have you ever felt desired, and that your family unit comes first?
Sending the money home when you are struggling yourselves is unfair. Have you spoken to him about it?

Sorry you are going through this

sorry haven't had time to read all the responses but he sounds like he is

an alcoholic
depressed
depressed because of the alcohol
drinking because of the depression

all of which would kill his sex drive irrespective of being gay or straight.

and your last statement above makes me think you have your own significant problems

I haven't read if you have had counselling - you sound like it would benefit you both if you haven't.

also if your instinct tells you he is gay (not just a possible explanation for why he doesn't want sex) then there is a good chance he is, which of course would explain many of his problems.

I have had a couple of "serious" partners who I have strongly suspected of being gay, both were and remain in denial but you do just know...

Wow - that's quite a list of things you love about him - and he does sound rather lovely when you talk about him like that.

Have never felt desired. not once. I have spoken about the money but again - it is his living in the future - if we do this now, struggle now, then we will have more in 'the future'. Except this future never comes, or even gets any closer!

mrsb - I do have my own problems. I don't know what is wrong with me, but I know I am not 'normal'. I am, however, good at hiding it.

well, except when I do things like this!

I do just look at him and think "gay", but that's not really on, is it?

blu - there is so much to love, that's part of the problem! If only he was a bastard in every way it would be so simple!

Hecate, you sound very loyal to him and that's impressive.
You deserve to feel desired.
You deserve to live in the here and now and not be struggling unnecessarily for money.

He sounds very sweet and a nice person, but he has to take your needs into account. I am not saying a good sex life is everything but it's so good to feel fancied and be flirted with.
Do you think you could inject some of that into the relationship or is he non responsive?

Aw Hecate, sorry you are going thru this.

If he couldn't or wouldn't ever change from the way that things are just now, how do you think you would deal with it?

you are worth more than this unhappiness. you owe it to yourself to find happiness surely?

do you have low self esteem?
i know you love him and he is a great man and stuff but perhaps you can have a different sort of relationship?

find yourself anotehr proper partner, one who wants sex, who doesnt turn to drink, and keep some sort of relationship with yoru dh.
you will never lose your fondness for your dh.

It's not the sex, I could do without that! It's the symbolism of it (is that the right word?). sex = wanted = loved = happy.

I have tried and tried and tried to inject a little life. Like I say, now we have a cuddle and a bit of a kiss. and that's great but I get the vibe that he could take it or leave it. or maybe that's my paranoia?

Also, I hate kissing. I mean the 'normal' way of kissing - with tongues. Makes me feel sick. Mind you, he hates it too! So a kiss for us is not a kiss for most people.

What if he never changes? I seriously don't know. Before my op I would have said that I would just stay and this would be my life. But now? I can see a future where I can take care of myself and my kids. I have more options than I did before. But I want him! I just want him to want me. I am not a bad person. Is it really a lot to ask of him? I am loyal (apart from when I share these problems with the www ), kind, very forgiving!!!! affectionate...I am a good wife and surely there are some men who would say that they wished they could find a wife who would love them so much and give them so much affection and time and like to do things for them??

Low self esteem - hell yes!

I would never find another partner. I'm fat, I'm ugly and I'm hard work and no other man would ever want me! besides, he is everything I want in a man (apart from the bits above!) nobody else would measure up. He's so intelligent and calm and we suit each other! His strengths are my weaknesses and my strengths are his weaknesses and when you put the 2 of us together it just works.

I think I will go for counselling on my own, just to try to improve myself and perhaps see things more clearly and see how I feel and how I want things to go.

Ta folks.

xxxxxx

Hecate,

I think all your H has done to date is to drag you down with him. People only change if there is an actual will to do so, he seems more than happy to carry on regardless because you're carrying him and thus enabling him to do so. You are permitting him to do this to you.

You cannot act as a rescuer and or saviour in a relationship. You both seem to be trapped in a cycle of co-dependency. Counselling for your own self would help, it would not help him as he does not want to hear it.

I refuse to believe that you're fat/ugly etc; all those things you described of you. I don't know you from Adam but I bet you're none of those things. I actually think you sell yourself well short and that is to my mind a clear indication of the emotional damage inflicted during the past decade at his hands. I don't think you're being at all selfish actually to want a marriage where your man does not turn to alcohol every time he hits a problem in life.

BTW what did your parents teach you about relationships?. That is something you need to consider further if you have not done so already.

And more to the point these days, what are you both teaching your children about relationships now?.

"I would never find another partner. I'm fat, I'm ugly and I'm hard work and no other man would ever want me!"

That is not true. It is not true of anyone. Ugly is on the inside, not the outside and you certainly do not sound like an ugly person. Regardless of whether you stay with him forever or not, you have to see that the marriage as it is, is what makes you feel the way that you do about yourself. We can all tell you this but you have to believe it yourself and part of me thinks you won't believe it till he says it because it is his approval that you seek.

If you had the marriage that you wished for, you wouldn't feel this way. You see that your DH is this way because of you and that is not true either. He is like this because of him.

You don't have the problem here (outwith the obvious self esteem issues) because you are the one who is trying and trying. Having this effort thrown back in your face is what leads you to question yourself. He is the one who has the problem because he can't or more likely won't, face up to the issues that are in the relationship.

He can be the nicest guy in the world but at the end of the day, he is not making you happy.

'Ugly is on the inside, not the outside and you certainly do not sound like an ugly person. '

I would agree. I think that counselling on your own would be a good idea-you have to be able to like yourself first.