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Tinker · 08/05/2003 12:40
lisalisa - poor you, you sound so. I've never been married so can't offer any real advice on that front but hope that someone else can. But you both sound under a lot of strain so bickering and nit-picking come with that I suppose. Has he always criticised you or is this more recent? How long have you felt lonely?
Hope you get lots more helpful advice, best wishes.
meanmum · 08/05/2003 13:14
I don't know what to say. I wish I had the answer and it was simple and easy to put into effect but I don't. A lot of what you say sounds like my marriage. People tend to think I am the one that rules and gets everything my own way but dh is just as strong as me in a quieter way. We have our ups and downs and basically the relationship dynamics flow both ways.
I suppose what I want to say is you're not alone in the description you gave of your relationship, however, I'm not at the stage where you are. I hope you get the right advice and can work things out.
Thinking of you and sending you cyber hugs.
PS - hope all goes well at your meeting today. Let me know after it is over.
ks · 08/05/2003 13:26
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ks · 08/05/2003 13:28
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sis · 08/05/2003 16:31
Lisalisa, if both of you are committed to counselling, I really think that you may want to give Relate a try (if you haven't done so already). Previous threads on relationships have highlighted the fact that even with Relate, the quality of counselling does vary with different counsellor, so you may want to try asking for a different counseelor if both of you are not happy with the counsellor allocated.
If your dh is not keen on counselling, you may want to try Relate or other counselling on your own. They can help people redefine their roles in relationships etc.
HTH, and that the good news on the maternity leave thread also makes things a bit easier for you.
Clarinet60 · 09/05/2003 10:31
lisalisa, sorry for stating the obvious, but childcare is a responsibility for both parent, not just you. The cost should be deducted from both salaries, not just yours. Or try deducting it from just his salary and see if it is still worth him working! Just a bit of ammo if he ever throws that one at you again.
There seems to be something in the air at the moment. So many male partners are behaving badly ATM, and not just on mumsnet.
I think counselling is worth a try.
Mum2Toby · 12/05/2003 10:58
Slow down Lisalisa!! You sound like you've already divorced, he's met someone, remarried and applied for custody!!!
How do you know he will remarry quickly? I;m so sorry you have reached this point, it must be awful.
First thing's first, I'll assume he's moving out. Go see a solicitor or Citizens Advice and get things straight with them on your rights etc and find out the next step. Don't let him take control. You really don't know what's going to happen so it's best to be fully informed.
How are you apart from obviously feeling like sh*t about the whole situation?
Moomin · 12/05/2003 11:01
I'm so sorry to hear about your problems at the moment, lisalisa. You've been very brave to face up to what is always a hard decision. But try not to worry about your children. What makes you think your h would have priority over their care? Thelaw is definitely on the side of the mother. Even if he does settle with someone else and even if he marries her, he would still be responsible for financial support for the children, so you would not have to cope on just your money. What makes you think you wouldn't necessarily have custody? Sorry - don't say if you don't want. I'm not being nosey, just wondering if you're just worrying because of the upheaval and the way you feel or whether there may be another reason...
Holly02 · 12/05/2003 11:37
Lisalisa... aren't you pregnant too? I just had a feeling that you were, from one of the other threads. I'm really sorry that this has happened. Do you still love him or do you think this is for the best?
I wouldn't get too concerned about custody issues just yet - if he remarried, his new partner may not be too excited about taking on someone else's children anyway, and after all, you are their mother. I would just seek some legal advice and some support from family and friends at the moment. All the best. xx
kaz33 · 12/05/2003 12:15
Lisalisa - I am very sad to hear your news. Is this something that you really want or is it just the combined pressures of kids, money and your pregnancy that are stopping you talking to each other. Is it worth one more try before you get involved in the legal process of a divorce ?
Mum2Toby · 12/05/2003 12:51
Lisalisa - you are being very strong and you are doing the right thing. Keep telling yourself that. The children will be fine. Just keep it as amicable as you possibly can.
You couldn't stay in that conrolling bullying relationship any more. Have you told your family yet?
meanmum · 12/05/2003 13:27
Still thinking of you and hoping things turn out for the best, whatever that is you wish for. Just know we are all here for support.
You need to remember that you are as important as your children are. Think about yourself as much as them and remember you are valued. You may not think it of yourself. Why is it human nature to be so hard on ourselves? There are a lot of women on mumsnet and in general who have been through what you are going through and suffered the same dilemma's and thoughts. Talk with people, understand what your options are, what emotions you will go through in the process and how you believe you will manage. I know you are but consider the same options for the kids.
I really hope everything works out for you and that whatever the outcome it is what you want and believe is best. Lots of love, hugs and support.
Clarinet60 · 12/05/2003 13:44
lisalisa, I'm so sorry to hear this and wish there was something I could do. I understand the way you must be feeling ATM, as I went through a similar dilemma when pregnant with DS2, although it didn't quite reach the point you have.
Do you have a supportive family or friends ATM?
judetheobscure · 12/05/2003 14:04
lisalisa - so sorry to hear what you're going through. Sounds like you and "h" are better off apart - either short term or long term.
Hope you get lots of support, and also some good advice from CAB or solicitors re. custody of your children. Just a thought - had you considered a shared custody type arrangement.
Thinking of you ((( )))
Tortington · 12/05/2003 14:18
your the mum so unless you have done something seriously wrong, the courts are more likely to go in your favour IMO. so dont worry about that. go get advice as has been suggested. i know its easy to sit and worry and then get in a state ( i do it often) go get the advice, find the facts then make informed decisions. go to a solicitor and tell your husband the information you have found out. maybe this will either frighten him to hi s senses. or allow you both to discuss the future.
at the moment i know your thinking about him and what he will do - HE might get custody, HE will re- marry. just you let him know - you will get custody. and you will re - marry too, he will have to financially support his kids.
let him know you wont crumble and die ( even if you want to)
thinking of you - e - mail me anytime [email protected]
husbands are shits arnt they!
sis · 12/05/2003 14:45
Lisalisa - just wanted to give you my support and let you know that I am sure you will come out stronger and happier - no matter what the outcome!
I think from other posts, you have said that you are a solicitor - so my only advice would be to take advantage of colleagues who are in the 'know' on who is a good family lawyer and call in any favours that are owed to you. All the best for the tough times ahead but remember that you will be better off at the end!
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