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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting relationship advice. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide.

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting relationship advice. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide.

Relationships

failing at marriage...

42 replies

lisalisa · 08/05/2003 12:29

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mammya · 12/05/2003 21:48

Lisalisa don't have much advice (I'm not very good at advice) but lots of cyberhugs to you. Hope things get better one way or the other.

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griffy · 12/05/2003 21:52

Lisalisa - sorry things have been so bad for you. Nothing useful to add - just sympathy.

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bloss · 13/05/2003 01:21

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lisalisa · 13/05/2003 13:38

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meanmum · 13/05/2003 13:53

Not quite the same but my brother is a controlling person and was a controlling husband. Needless to say he is no longer a husband but obviously remains a father. Unfortunatley for my fantastic sister-in-law (ex now but still very close) he refused to ever acknowledge there was an issue and when she continued to raise the issue of going to counselling for help to salvage the marriage he literally could not see what the problem was. Doesn't give you much help in terms of your husband I'm sorry.

I don't know your husband but hope he is better than my brother at acknowledging his faults and being able to deal with them and hopefully rectify them.

My brother lost the best wife he could have had due to his ignorance and pig headedness. She was a fantastic mother (still is of course), wife and friend. He will never find anyone else like her and I often think he regrets the decisions he made and the state his life is in now. Obviously he would never admit this. Why would he if he wouldn't even admit to his own faults.

She asked for many years, on many separate occasions for him to go to counselling with her but he honestly just refused to see that the issue was with him.

It sounds like your husband was offering a small olive branch last night. Let's hope he realises by your response that he needs to do more than that if he wants to win back your love, trust and friendship.

I hope you do sort it out with your husband even if he has left his run very late, however, continue to remember to value yourself and look out for what is best for you and your kids. Whatever decision you make will be the right one even if at times it doesn't feel like it.

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Chinchilla · 13/05/2003 19:13

Lisa - It was me who said that. I find that it really gets me down, but when I am feeling strong, I tell him to p*ss off! I basically tell him all the things that I have done that day (get ds up/fed/dressed, load/unload dishwasher, washing, getting his breakfast, amusing ds, shopping etc etc), which he doesn't consider housework(!) He usually shuts up then! However, his ideas of good housekeeping and mine are pretty dissimilar...I'm a slut really, and muddle along with an adquately clean house, and a very happy ds.

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Clarinet60 · 14/05/2003 14:19

lisa, your post made me howl with laughter 'if he is a friend then god help me, I don't need ememies' - this could be me and my DH. The parallels are uncanny, actually. I had PND twice and neither time he took it seriously, etc after boring etc. Last night he managed to make a horrible, door-slamming row all by himself, with me contributing scarcely a word, which was scary. he is controlling too, in the way that at present, we are having large-scale renovations which he keeps dragging out to the point of parts of the house being uninhabitable. He will neither do the jobs nor 'let' me get someone in to do them. Although my financial contribution is almost equal, he hints that anyone I buy in will be sent packing in no uncertain terms. He wants to save money by doing it in his own sweet time, ie, never.

None of which is any help to you, but just to say that I know what you are going through and I'm a lot further down the same road than I was last week.

Regarding the olive branch, it is scary to think that this may be intended to act as a sop for a while so that he can slip back into his old ways when the fuss has died down. This seems to be my H's modus operandi, but I don't know your H, so he may be different.
Cyberhugs.

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kaz33 · 14/05/2003 15:12

Gosh Lisalisa - I really feel for you. I have no advice, you are obviously with a man who likes to be in control and hankers after a stay at home partner.

They have no idea how stressful it is to work full time and then to have endeavour to do all the wifely/motherly duties on top. However good and supportive ones partner is - it is us woman who keep everything ticking over.

You don't have the energy to think about everything at the moment. Can you have a week off work just too give yourself some space to think things through and hopefully find some common ground with H. Don't underestimate how knackered you are with working, being pregnant and being mum to three kids. Give yourself a break.

Cyberhug and good luck.

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bossykate · 14/05/2003 15:15

much sympathy, lisalisa and you too, droile.

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Skadi · 15/05/2003 17:11

Oh, LisaLisa, if you have time, please check out www.marriagebuilders.com. Read the basic concepts first. From what I'm hearing from you, this might be the ONLY way to save your marriage. It's just a different way of looking at things. Please try it. PLEASE!!????

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Skadi · 16/05/2003 09:37

Apparently, the link for www.marriagebuilders.com is down. Please keep trying. They're probably doing updates of somesuch.

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Jimjams · 16/05/2003 10:04

sorry to hear all of this lisalisa. No advice - just hope you find what you want. hugs.

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Clarinet60 · 16/05/2003 11:28

skadi, what sort of advice is it? I will keep trying to log onto it, but not if it's one of those 1950's house-wife accept your lot and worship your man tripe-sites. (No offence to you)

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judetheobscure · 16/05/2003 11:39

Well the site is up and running now. From a very quick skim it would be no use unless dh is commited. Doesn't appear to be 1950's style but from the brief bits I looked at, quite patronising. However, the advice that I read on one page seemed fairly sound from a lay person's point of view.

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Skadi · 16/05/2003 13:59

No, it's just a logical way of looking at relationships, pretty much 50-50. That totally cracks me up about the 1950s housewife thingee because my husband and I are liberal, eclectic, nature-loving ecologist hippie types with a mind for equality and justice. No, I am SOoooooo not Donna Reed!

As for judetheobscure's comment about it being no use if a husband is not committed, well, there's a section about how to do it if only one person in the relationship is committed. I don't find it patronising at all.

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Clarinet60 · 16/05/2003 20:33

Good, I'll give it a look, thanks Skadi. Sorry, I think I was a bit too blunt this morning! Glad to hear you're an easy-going type. I read your post as a bit evangelical this morning, thats all. Just DOH me for being a bit cynical about this marriage lark.

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Clarinet60 · 17/05/2003 12:11

I've had a look at it now skadi, it's good, especially the page about how he learned to save marriages. Worth reading, thanks.

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