Is this an odd thing to say to a child or am I super sensitive at the moment...?

[TheMitsubishiWarrioress]

That as a man, the love he has for his 'woman' is supreme , because he 'chose' her as his life mate, whereas the love for a child is chemically programmed thing and as such, secondary.

That the child of the 'union' should not come between the love of the man and woman..........

Said to me both as a child on a number of occassions and recently (I am 39) and I am starting to think it is no bloody wonder I am a wee bit screwed up....

I will be OK.

I think I am in a strange place at the moment though.

He wrote me a letter once, when I turned puberty, to say that as a young child, I had been like a golden princess, but that I had turned into a brass one, false and impure....

I worshipped him...... and even now feel validated by his approval, which is perverse. I am a grown woman.

No axe to grind with him, what is done is done but I think I want to find peace in my mind, especially as some of you have commented, things are not great in my life at the moment.

It is helping Orm.....stuff you keep in your head, not sure if it is you being sensitive or your feelings are justifiable......

Crap what people can do to each other really, when we are capable of such overwhelming humanity also.

it sounds to me like something he heard that got into his head at some point and he's just stuck by it. I wouldn't take it too personally. honestly, how can anyone really quantify love?

my father never told me his views on love in general, but he did leave me, my mum and my brother and has had a shockingly bad relationship with us ever since, despite telling me how much he "loves" me when we do occasionally speak.

that said, i don't think it's crazy for parents to give their relationship an importance that is separate from that of the child(ren).

i think the best thing i could do for my son to teach him about love is to see me and his father treating each other as the most important people in the world. most kids already think they are the most important thing in the world. ;)

but i do think love for children is unconditional - sorry your father sounds like a jerk - brass and impure - that is ridiculous and hurtful.

"He wrote me a letter once, when I turned puberty, to say that as a young child, I had been like a golden princess, but that I had turned into a brass one, false and impure...."

Good god. I find that chilling. I'm sorry your father sounds cruel (sorry I may be speaking out of line) - I am horrified by the above and his comments about love for 'his' woman. Was/Is he controlling or possessive?

Whatever he meant by his comments to me they are screaming loud and clear that your father has many issues of his own.

The thing I struggle to get my head around, is both he and my 'H' are intelligent men. Not typical 'jerk' material, if there is such a thing. The thought has crossed my mind though..

Socially articulate, well informed,....

That the love betwen a man and woman is different, I recognise but it is like saying, 'which is more important? the brain or the heart?'

They have different functions and you are screwed without either, and some of you have commented, it just doesn't need saying. And not to a child. I think it is his saying of it that stings, if he thought it but kept it to hmself then , I wouldn't be inspecting my navel instead of trying to figure my next move in life...

ah, bollox.........

Being socially articulate and well informed doesn't stop a man being a misogynistic arsehole. Both your father and your H think, fundamentally, that women are less important than men, that men own women (and children) and women must accept that. Unfortunately you have been raised in the belief that you exist to look after men and put their needs first (hence your not booting out your H long ago).

TMW - to read this - your DF has ishoos of his own, I feel and these have been visited upon you. Silly man. What a stupid thing to do to a little child/emotionally vulnerable teenager/sad and betrayed woman.

You can again see this as his failing, not yours - he has missed out on so much by not sharing the great love of the father-child relationship, by putting it into second place.

Intellect doesn't always go with sense, or sensitivity - in fact frequently the opposite in some men (and probably women too).

Hope your brain gets some untangling and rest

yes...he is controlling...

I was banned from having my hair cut until I was 18. I ache for my mum, who is truly a gentle soul.

I might be a mess but I count myself blessed that I am stronger than her.

And I have just shaved most of my hair off....why? bloody why? it has taken me ages to get it to a couple of inches long.

I know the intelligence versus jerk thing is illogical but you can't help thinking they are not stupid, how can they not see how fundamentally wrong the attitude is?

Because so so sadly, both my Dad had, and 'H' has a very controlling mothers and so the cycle is set. I know as adults we should recognise our own behaviour and see fit to make right the wrongs but damned if I know how....

Because now I look like a skinhead and I have tried so hard not to cut it....bum.

.....yes I connected the two later last night.

Lights are on but nobody appears to be home....

I am self employed so it won't be easy but I would like to take a couple of weeks off at end of the summer holidays, one to be with the DC's and one to have some me time.

I am OK, but think I wuld like to be a litle more than 'OK' iyswim....

Thanks though, to all...

I don't think that the statement is true. Flesh and blood comes first.I don't think that I will ever love any man in the way I love dd. It's a different kind of love.
But then I speak as someone who has never experienced this big romantic love that people keep banging on about.

And is alos very very odd.

And is also very very odd to tell a child that.

I guess it's kind of romantic that a man sees his love of his woman as supreme.

Mabe not actually having read the op again. Just plain wierd. He clearly saw your mum as a possesion. Did she have no say in being ''chosen''?

Bizarre. I could maybe, if it came to it, imagine leaving my DH. I could not possibly imagine not loving DS. I worked with a guy whose wife had left him and their 2 year old DD. At the time I thought it a strange thing to do. Now I have my own DS I just can not begin to understand what was going on in her head, but can only think of her with great sympathy and concern.

I can imagine my father saying something like this. He is 76 yo and one of four brothers - again a controlling mother was present in their lives. He often says he is closer to friends than his family (brothers) as you can pick your friends etc. He is quite critical of his dc's faults but never sees his own . If he wants to wound he compares me to his own mother (detests her). I am nothing like her in looks or personality. I don't think he got much love as a child so perhaps finds it hard to show it. I think he is of the opinion that his form of honesty is strangely 'character building' .

TMW - I am an expert in fuckwit fathers and I hereby certify that your father is a fuckwit.

I really handled lifes ups and downs better once I'd accepted the true fuckwittery of my father and not tried to rationalise it in a way which would make sense were he not a class A fuckwit.

I also took some time to grasp that just because words came out of his mouth it didn't mean they were true or even worth wasting any of my time on.

Try to accept that you have fuckwit father who is wrong about many things rather than a decent father that you deserve. Who cares why he is the way he is, concentrate on raising your own family.

Liberate yourself from the fuckwits of the world!