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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is this an odd thing to say to a child or am I super sensitive at the moment...?

71 replies

TheMitsubishiWarrioress · 13/07/2009 14:35

That as a man, the love he has for his 'woman' is supreme , because he 'chose' her as his life mate, whereas the love for a child is chemically programmed thing and as such, secondary.

That the child of the 'union' should not come between the love of the man and woman..........

Said to me both as a child on a number of occassions and recently (I am 39) and I am starting to think it is no bloody wonder I am a wee bit screwed up....

OP posts:

Prosecco · 13/07/2009 14:53

The love you have for your partner is conditional. If they cheat, show you no respect, do not return your love, it can disappear and you can wonder what you ever saw in them.

I only have 9 years of parenting but am pretty sure the love you have for your children will be unconditional in that it doesn't matter what they throw at you, it will always be there. So in a way, we are programmed to love our children. The same way children are cute so that we are programmed to respond to this and want to protect them whether they belong to us or not.(Am waffling now- saw it on a documentary).

OrmIrian · 13/07/2009 14:54

Oh mistubishu

So sorry.

Original poster

TheMitsubishiWarrioress · 13/07/2009 14:54

I don't know dittany. I remember how it made me feel as a chld, and having children now I find it appalling. But to have it said to me as an adult, is not making it make sense...I can't say...'aaah, now I see what you mean'..

Is my dad a weirdo?....

OP posts:

lighthouse · 13/07/2009 14:55

There are far bigger problems to worry about mate! they love you regardless surely?

Why worry about to what extent they love you?

Just stressing yourself about it isn't going to help if you are sensative. I cant spell!

MrsTittleMouse · 13/07/2009 14:56

Yes, you're Dad is a weirdo.

Rubyrubyrubyislosing7lbs · 13/07/2009 14:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Prosecco · 13/07/2009 14:57

Should have said, I would never dream of saying to my child that I was programmed toi love them!

dittany · 13/07/2009 15:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SolidGoldBrass · 13/07/2009 15:02

People who believe this (that a sexual/romantic partner is more important than anyone or anything else) are not only fucked-up morons but wrong - they are the sort of people who have trouble sustaining couple-relationships anyway as they are always getting bored with the other person's humanity and running off to find the next 'soulmate'.
Having read your other threads, Mits, I rather want to go and kick your father in the cock. Because that attitude of his explains a lot about why you haven't told your abusive loser H to fuck off and get a grip before now.

dittany · 13/07/2009 15:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rubyrubyrubyislosing7lbs · 13/07/2009 15:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ConnieComplaint · 13/07/2009 15:29

A woman I work with (65 years old) told me that she sat her three children down when they were little & told them that although she loved them, she loved their father more & she would still have him after they had married & flew the nest

I don't think it's surprising that she had a falling out with her daughter (who died whilst not on speaking terms) and that her sons no longer have anything to do with her either

She thought I was 'out of order' by saying that if our house was on fire I would do anything I could to save my kids & that they would be my priority.....

I would think far far less of dh if I thought he would put me before our children - we have both discussed this & agree that we love each other, but the love we have for the children is different & more intense.

TotalChaos · 13/07/2009 18:42

agree with SGB and Dittany. It's a hideous and cruel thing to say.

AnnieLobeseder · 13/07/2009 18:45

Terrible thing to say to a child, just terrible.

But I do think it might sometimes be true for men. DH just can't get his head around the fact that I love the DDs more than him. And he says he'll always love me more than them.

Must be some ancient genetic survial of the fittest logic to it somewhere...

MollieO · 13/07/2009 18:50

That is terrible. The love for a child should come above every other relationship you have in your life. I can't imagine it any other way.

Having said that my ex said he hoped that ds would die when he was 10 days old and in hospital and has not seen him since (ds now 5 and healthy).

Not all men are like that and I really don't think it is normal. Sounds to me that you didn't inherit that belief and for that alone your children have a lot to be thankful for.

Scorps · 13/07/2009 18:52

I remember one day when my DH's ex said that she loves him more than their son. I couldn't, and still don't, understand.

Lazycow · 13/07/2009 19:03

Well I think that is a terrible thing to say to a child and completely unecessary.

However I found it particularly odd when both my sister in law amd mother said something similar but opposite IYSWIM - i.e now ds was here dh would have to get used to second place or some such when ds was boran and I didn't agree. I still don't (I know may women do agree with this though)

I don't see it as a competition the two are completely different and complementary. I love them both. Of course dh and I could divorce and ds will always be my son so in that sese they are diffetent, it doesn't mean I love either of them less than the other at the moment.

That is such a black and white way of thinking I struggle with it.

HecatesTwopenceworth · 13/07/2009 19:22

My first thought is that they are 2 totally different emotions and it is impossible to compare them.

But. If it was the sort of thing you were asking yourself (for some strange reason ) - who did you love most? -, then imagining that your partner and your child both needed a kidney or they'd die, and you were compatible with both and there was no other kidney from somewhere else on its way - who would you give it to? can give you the answer. (although it's fairly disturbing to consider it )

For me, it would be my child, and I wouldn't need to think about it either.

So I guess that means I love them more.

Ispy · 13/07/2009 19:24

As a child I vividly remember my mother telling me on more than one occasion that my father came first, then us. The really crazy thing is that they had a terrible marriage full of pain and loathing which was passed on to the children in a divide and rule fashion. In my estimation a narcissist (mother) married to a manic depressive (father). It is a truly dreadful thing to tell a child and so completely unecessary. In my case it has had a long lasting negative effect.

I am now married with my own children and love them unconditionally.

Lazycow · 13/07/2009 19:27

My mother who I am in no doubt whatsoever loves me absolutely ( see my earlier post) often said she loved me because she was my mother and that is what mothers do.

How is that different from saying she is programmed to whan you thinK about it? My relationship with her is that this doesn't upset me but just increases my feelings of security in her love becaause I am in no doubt whatsover that she loves me.

On the other hand she would never have said she put my dad first above her children but frankly I found that suffocating and would have preferred her to have a better relationship with my father and put him first occasionally rather than use her children for a romantic love substitute which she did by the intensity of her focus on us.

This is as all things a matter of balance, I personally believe that putting children at the centre of your emotional life at all times and with too much intesity can do as much harm as the OP's father's view.

The difficulty in parenting is as always walikng the right line and finding the balance.

To the OP I would say that you could try telling your father how hurtful his comments are to you bit only you can know if that makes any sense. His comments were hurtful and insensitve and I'm sorry you are having to deal eith this.

piscesmoon · 13/07/2009 19:27

I don't think it is true.
I love DH to bits, but it is conditional-for example if he were to hit me I would be gone! The love for the DCs is unconditional-I might not like what they do but I will always be there-whatever.

It doesn't mean that one comes first-it depends entirely on circumstances.

It isn't something I would even discuss with DH or DCs.He sounds quite an unpleasant person and I would bet he puts himself first-always.

SolidGoldBrass · 13/07/2009 19:40

Thing is, not all parents are in, or want to be in, couple-relationships of any kind. I am happily single and have been for a very long time: DS father is not my partner. I am fond of him, we are amicable co-parents, I have a degree of respect for him (he is an honourable man with lots of good qualities)m but I odn't 'love' him. DS is the person I love most in the world, but at the same time I expect DS to go out into the world and away from me; I'm not a clingy mum whos life revolves around DS.
I am aware that some people do put couplehood before anythign else and suppose it's no more wierd than any other fetish or obsession BUT it's needlessly unkind to TELL your dc that they are less important than your partner, so anyone who does that is a fuckwit who shouldn't really be in charge of a goldfish.

Original poster

TheMitsubishiWarrioress · 13/07/2009 21:12

Sort of lolling....

I am sort of trying to get perspective on why I am i such a mess....

It IS a different love and in my opinion incomparable, and especially for a child the protectiveness that goes with being a parent gives your love for a child a completely different dimension.

I have a balanced relationship with my dad now, but I look back with at some of the things he said and did, that as a parent myself now, makes me feel sorry for the child that I was IYSWIM.

I don't know. A bit of a mess I think but getting other peoples thoughts helps me stop thinking that I am just weird and strange and, not that I WANT to be a victim, but I can say, No, that was wrong, and I can feel hurt about it without feeling guilty that I am actually the one that is bad for thinking so negatively.

Dad is 73. I don't want to take issue with him now, but I can draw a mental line and maybe straighten my poor head out a bit...

thanks for your thoughts, it really has helped hearing other's opinions....

OP posts:

ilovetochat · 13/07/2009 21:28

TMW - my dad said this when i was little too, he said his and my moms relationship was most important and i was next, he told my mom she must put him first, me second. my mom always put me first as probably overcompensated to make up for it.
the funny thing is my parents divorced when i reached 18 and told me they had only been together for me and my dad told me he wanted to leave before they had me so i think he was trying to keep control over a situation he had lost control over.
now im a parent i think his attitude was and is awful. he told me it was his house and he was in charge, it was all control.
now he has no control and as soon as he starts to offend me i walk out or ask him to leave.
the worst thing was when he met a new woman (one of many) and signed over his house and everything to her within 6 months when she moved in as "she was important to him so he wanted her to have security", i didnt want his money but felt second best to a 6 month old relationship, she left him within the year.
im not trying to take over, just let you know i think i understand how you feel and how it affects realtionships even to this day, hope you are ok,

OrmIrian · 13/07/2009 21:41

You have to love your DC more surely. Thinkin back over the last few years with DS#2 when he has been so challenging. I'd never have put up with another adult behaving as he has - and still love them.

TMW - I hope it's helped a little to talk about this.

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