How to handle FiL's homophobic go's at 2yo ds?

[phdlife]

My PiLs are mostly great, they do a lot around the house and help me with the dc's and are forever feeding us, buying us stuff for the house, etc.

But Old Skool FiL is really starting to grate. He's constantly going on about ds (2.3) turning into a "poofter", a "great big girl's blouse" etc., because ds likes to have his toenails painted, occasionally wears a tiara and a skirt, and loves to help in the kitchen. I am seriously and about this but I don't know how to address it.

I've tried pointing out that (1) even if ds does turn out to be gay, we'll love him anyway so it's irrelevant; (2) they all do it at this age and it means nothing to how he'll turn out; (3) it is possible to be a scone-making jet pilot (what PiL said today he wants ds to do instead of baking ), the two are not mutually exclusive. But he's not taking the hint. (he did once say he wasn't homophobic, and I'm still kicking myself for biting back the obvious retort.)

Any suggestions how I can deal with this, gently but firmly? I think PiL is already a bit nervous around me (big scary lefty feminist over-educated me) and being OldSkool the whole family tend to be "avoiders" in a big way, so mentioning it at all is going to be a bit bolshie, but I really don't want the dc's growing up subjected to so much homophobia.

Another vote for Reality's solution here!

My FIL used to refer to babies as "Bugger" he did it to his first and it used to make me cringe everytime he said cheerily "Hello Bugger!" (why anyone would think this was an acceptable thing to say to a baby/small child is beyond me ) when DD1 was born he began to say it to her, I asked DP if he minded it and he also didn't like it (there's a shock!) so the next time it happened DP just said "Dad, could you not call her that, her name is XXXXX and we really font like Bugger" and he stopped.

I think polite but direct is the best method, a calm, simple "don't do that" is best. If he persists, ask him to leave, he'll soon pack it in!

(don't, not font!!)

GreenMonkies, where's your FIL from? I'm from the Peak District and we grew up being called buggers by our parents, Grandparents and everyone else! Round there, it's just a term of endearment, nothing more. I don't think people think of it as a gay word so much anymore. I still call everyone a cheeky bugger, it's a force of habit!

You could always tell him it worked for Eddie Izzard.

Scorpette, We are in the North West, in the Liverpool/Wirral area. I know he was using it as a term of endearment, but I just didn't want it to be one of my babies first words!! (and neither did DP) It is a "swear" word, (I don't think of it as a "gay" word at all) and I feel that profanity is as inappropriate as bigotry!

Where I grew up (west yorkshire-ish), "Buggerlugs" was a perfectly acceptable term of endearment to children and animals; however, I caught myself saying it to DS a couple of weeks ago and pulled myself up short, as it sounded very wrong to my 21st century ears (or indeed, lugs)!

I told my cousin not to use racist language infront of my 2 last weekend because I didn't want them growing into bigoted ignorant twats!

Mind you he used to attack people on benefits but that has all stopped since he got engaged to a girl who just so happened tohave made some bad choices in her life!

Just be direct.

"Well better that than a homophobic, bigoted old git"?
Maybe a bit harsh...

How about you say to Grandad:

Oh you seem very worried about him turning out to be gay. That's very interesting because often it's men who have some gay tendencies themselves are the most fearful of it. Do you think there's any truth in that theory?

It doesn't really address his homophobia, but might at least shut him up.

Both my dc's grandfathers are like this and I have decided that the dc's will meet people with different views in life and therefore it's better to talk to them about it. So, I do sometimes say 'well I don't agree' or something fairly vague, but have said to the dc's that Grandad has some very old fashioned views that Daddy and I don't agree with. As a result we've had some great chats about equality between the sexes, race etc.

Also we have some friends who are gay, so when either Grandfather says something homeophobic they look bemused and say something like 'oh, you mean like John and James?'

It's great.

My dc's are older than 2, (youngest is 6) but we've adopted this approach since they were able to talk. It also means that they know that you can love someone who has different beliefs to you, so I'm hoping that my dc's are a lot more tolerant than me.

yes, sorry my response was very harsh, I'm guessing your PIL has many good qualities and you all love him. Just in a argumentative mood this morning

there, there, SPB, we all have years days like that

MagNacarta I think that's probably the approach I'd favor, but am finding myself really angered when PiL has a direct go at ds - "you don't want to grow up to be a big girl's blouse, do you?". Or a go at me ("you're indulging his whims"), for that matter. ("Yes, I am, because they don't worry me!") After the third or fourth time in a morning I'm seething inside.