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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can I have a little help writting an email please...?

34 replies

NeedEmailHelpPlease · 07/07/2009 22:47

I have namechanged in case the receiver of the email happens to come across this, and it is also quite personal.

I had a few dates with this guy a few weeks ago, and we ended up sleeping together, he had said all the right things and seemed to really want to have a relationship with me.
As soon as I slept with him he didn't seem to want to know.

The next day after he stood me up he spoke to me and said he had felt sick and hadn't slept all night, so i said he should go to bed and have some pepto-bismal, he told me to shut up and stop telling him what to do, I then asked him if he was being serious, he said yes, it's annoying.

I told him to have fun then didn't speak to him again.

Today I had a knock on the door when i was putting my DS to bed and I opened it, and there he stood, looking really sad, saying he wanted to chat.

I am really worried about getting into another abusive relationship and don't want to persue this 'relationship' any further, but when he was at the door i agreed that he could come over on thursday, and now i need to write him an email to say he can't come.

I need to make sure he gets the right message, i don't want to let him think that there is any hope for us.

Anyway, here is what i have.

Hi, 

I don't really understand why you came over earlier?

After our dates, that I thought was going really well, I ended up giving myself to you, something that I don't just go around doing, and felt as though that as soon you had 'accomplished' me you seemed to go off the boil. You made me feel as though you liked me more than that!

The fact the you didn't come around that nice didn't bother me, we all have things that come up etc, it was the way that you spoke to me afterwards, and like I mentioned in passing my last relationship was a very abusive one that turned very violent, it started out as me getting spoken to like that.

I also don't understand why you haven't tried to contact me in the last fortnight to just turn up on my doorstep?

Anyway, I am just emailing you because I don't actually want you to come over on Thursday, I just found it hard to say to you face.

But I do wish you the best for the future x
OP posts:
Tinker · 07/07/2009 22:52

Sorry to hear about this and am glad you're not going to see him again, sounds vile.

I wouldn't bother with the details of what's happened and I would omit the "I also don't understand why you haven't tried to contact me in the last fortnight to just turn up on my doorstep?" paragraph since you are giving him an opening to get in touch and start a dialogue.

I keep it brief and matter-of-fact - possibly just the last 2 paragraphs.

Alambil · 07/07/2009 22:54

Just write:

This isn't going to go anywhere. I don't stand for being spoken to like a piece of dogshit, nor do I stand for being used and treated so abysmally.

Don't come on Thursday or contact me again.

From XX

keep the emotion out of it...

bosch · 07/07/2009 22:55

Personally I wouldn't go into too much detail. I think you're inviting him to reply and defend himself.

If you're feeling really harsh, I would just send him the first and last two sentences. If you want to let him down gently, add something about this not being a good time for you to start a new relationship.

Well done for speedy decision btw, does sound like you're much better out of this one. Good luck for next time.

Superduperloopthelooper · 07/07/2009 22:55

I may be being harsh but I think that you only really need to email the last two sentences?!

You don't need answers to those questions - he is treating you badly already, you don't want this kind of person in your life. By entering into a question and answer session with him you are prolonging the agony.

Maybe say something along the lines of "Following your visit this evening I just wanted to clarify that I do not feel that a relationship between us will work. Please do not come over on Thursday. Best wishes for the future"??

Original poster
NeedEmailHelpPlease · 07/07/2009 22:56

I don't want to be nasty because he knows i live alone, I don't want to risk him getting crazy mad, after all i only had a few dates with him and don't really know him, he is big and strong.

OP posts:
hatesponge · 07/07/2009 22:59

He sounds like a tosser & tbh you are well rid at this stage before you got any more serious about him.

I tend to agree with tinker, think i would just keep it v short/unemotional - something like

I dont really have anything more to say to you, so I dont want you to come to mine on Thursday,

wish you well etc

but no x at the end.

better luck next time. There are SOME normal men out there but they can take some finding....the frogs/prince analogy is sadly true

Alambil · 07/07/2009 22:59

You aren't being nasty, you're just being forthright - it's different.

I know who you are if I have added 2+2 from here and another popular site; the question you pose on there says a lot really. You just have to stand up for yourself a bit.

Don't get into a conversation. Say it how it is and shut the door.... no crack for him to reply and mess you around any more

If he gets violent or anything, contact the police - it's what they're there for

bosch · 07/07/2009 22:59

If you want to be cautious, just write what you would want to hear if someone was dumping you. He may not realise he's a nutter.

MinaLoy · 07/07/2009 22:59

Dear Peter

I've been thinking, and I would rather that you didn't come round on Thursday.

I am not ready for any sort of friendship or relationship.

I found that hard to say to your face, but it's the truth so please respect it.

Goodbye, and all the best

Jane

Original poster
NeedEmailHelpPlease · 07/07/2009 22:59

So you think i should send

Hi,

I don't really understand why you came over earlier?

I am just emailing you because I don't actually want you to come over on Thursday, I just found it hard to say to you face.

But I do wish you the best for the future.

OP posts:
Superduperloopthelooper · 07/07/2009 23:00

Maybe amend it slightly then - "Thanks for popping round tonight. I just wanted to let you know that I don't feel that a relationship between us will work at the moment. I do wish you every happiness, take care."??

You don't have to mean it, but if he takes it better this way play it nice...

Alambil · 07/07/2009 23:01

I would stay away from questions or giving him any reason to reply, tbh... just makes it easier IMO

Superduperloopthelooper · 07/07/2009 23:02

Mina's is good, firm but nice .

hatesponge · 07/07/2009 23:02

I understand not wanting to be nasty for fear of any repurcussions (sp?)- thats why I think keeping it v non-emotional is best ie no swearing, no explanations, or accusations.

Hopefully he will get the message and move on to the next poor unsuspecting woman.

Original poster
NeedEmailHelpPlease · 07/07/2009 23:04

I will send him Minaloys version, i think it said what i want to say in the tone i want to say it.

I just hope he doesn't still come around.

OP posts:
mrsboogie · 07/07/2009 23:06

Oh shit you are scared of him? You shouldn't have let him "in" until you knew him better but you are not about to let another relationship turn abusive which is good. I understand you don't want to antagonise him but if you get into the details you WILL give him an opening to start wheedling his way back in.

Don't tell him about your previous relationship either. Just say that you will not ever be spoken to in the way that he did and this is a deal breaker for you. Tell him not to ever contact you again or call to your house as there is nothing further to discuss. Don't show any sign of weakness or give any details or openings. If he makes any further approach call the police. If you are scared get the police round to check your security on your home.

Superduperloopthelooper · 07/07/2009 23:08

Can you arrange to be out or have a friend round on Thursday evening, just in case? If you feel at all threatened then call the police.

mrsboogie · 07/07/2009 23:10

Also, if he responds to your email and tries to carry on the dialogue don't get into it.

Original poster
NeedEmailHelpPlease · 07/07/2009 23:10

Sent!

Thank you for all your help.

And LF, i had forgotten about that

I am working through the whole 'not saying no' thing with my counseller atm, It's because i don't like confrontation, i will learn

OP posts:
Tinker · 07/07/2009 23:12

Can you block his emails so you're not tempted to read or reply?

Original poster
NeedEmailHelpPlease · 07/07/2009 23:15

I will see if i can have my (very scary) sister around on thursday

I wasn't scared of him, but am very aware i wasn't scared of my XP when i met him, and this guy is a lot bigger and more muscley than my XP, so could hurt me more.

I don't want to just trust that he won't react negatively to my email because i rarely get visitors so if anything happened no-one would know.

OP posts:
sharedplanet · 08/07/2009 10:06

Hi X

I'm really sorry, but I am seeing someone else on Thursday, to be honest I think things felt a bit weird anyway the last time we met. I have been asked out on a "date" by someone I like and have known for a long time and I want to give things a try. Thanks for the experience!

Best wishes,

y

melmog · 08/07/2009 10:21

Would it not be easier to ring him to say you've changed your mind?

I'd be wary ogf going in to too much detail and giving him a chance to email back and then you'll have to reply again...

A short polite phone call would be a lot quicker?

sincitylover · 08/07/2009 10:55

I would be wary of giving him the impression you are rejecting him for another man. Might not be the best thing.

TwoHot · 08/07/2009 11:38

Good luck on Thursday Do have someone with you and a chain on the door, just in case. I suspect he will reply by email or phone, but just in case be ready for a strop, toddler style.