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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My dad keeps asking me for money

40 replies

helpmegetthisrightplease · 01/07/2009 10:22

Not really sure what to do.

When I was a student he divorced from his second wife. It was really messy and he was homeless for a while so I used my overdraft to pay the deposit on a flat for him to rent. It meant I went into debt which except for standard student loans was something I'd avoided up to then (I was in my final year at uni).

Since then Dad has met his third wife and had two children with her. He was left quite a lot of family money and all seemed well for a few years. However since my half sister became of school age (she's 9 and my half brother is 7) I've had constant requests for money. They've not been for things I'd consider essential either. So far I've been asked to pay DD's school fees and they'll pay half brothers. I had to say no to that, absolutely no way we could do this. I've been asked for ballet fees, contributions to huge OTT christmas and birthday presents and this morning it was a request for NINE HUNDRED POUNDS so that half sister can do a year of drama lessons. I said no again obviously. I've now received a long email detailing how I've let my half siblings down over the years, how I've not afforded them the same opportunities I have my own DD, how they've had to go to a poor local school because I wont' help and how I should take more responsiblity for family.

My Dad left my mum when I was 5 and paid very little maintenance, he only contacts me when he wants something and he always forgets DD's birthday.

I'm at the end of my tether I wouldn't see them on the streets or hungry but these constant demands for help with superflous things and the whinging about debt all the time are a step too far

Sorry this turned out so long. So upset

OP posts:

Original poster

helpmegetthisrightplease · 01/07/2009 10:23

PS he never paid me back the money I gave him when I was a student either.

OP posts:

MuppetsMuggle · 01/07/2009 10:26

Tell him what you've just said there, he left you at 5 never paid any maintenance to your mum, your DD gets a good life because you have worked hard for it. You shouldn't have to pay for your Half sis & bro its upto their parents.

RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 01/07/2009 10:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/07/2009 10:28

Change your e-mail address and do not give him any money, any money you choose to give will not be returned. You are not responsible for him and his family unit.

I would not personally have anything more to do with this selfish and dare I say toxic individual. You get nothing positive from contact; just demands for cash.

ginnny · 01/07/2009 10:31

Your brother and sister are NOT your responsibility.
Your dd is your only responsibility and she quite rightly is your main priority.
I think he's trying to make you feel guilty, but don't let him. He is 100% in the wrong

Original poster

helpmegetthisrightplease · 01/07/2009 10:40

OMG it gets worse. I've just had an email from my half sister (surely she should be at school?)

Dear Aunty Helpmegetthisright

Daddy has just told me that I have to give up Stagecoach because it costs too much. Daddy said to ask if you could help. I really want to carry on. They don't do proper drama at our school they do at XXXXXX (insert expensive private school here) but i didn't get a place there I will be sad if I have to give up stagecoch as I have lots of friends there. Can you give daddy some money to help me stay please?

Thanks

half sister

I am sure she did't write this by herself and I am spitting blood. Please someone compose a reply. I am too angry. Remember she's only 9 and all too likely her parents are manipulating her.

OP posts:

RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 01/07/2009 10:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

MuppetsMuggle · 01/07/2009 10:47

Totally agree with reality.

Change your e-mail address, but send one final one stating you are not responsible for her activities its upto mummy & daddy, you are not responsible for their upbringing.

Original poster

helpmegetthisrightplease · 01/07/2009 10:47

If I had a million pounds to spare I might pay her bl**dy drama fees Sadly its not the case.

OP posts:

MuppetsMuggle · 01/07/2009 10:49

But even if you have the money to spare you shouldn't have to pay, your not her mother.

RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 01/07/2009 10:50

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makipuppy · 01/07/2009 10:52

Gosh. I think anyone reading this would be pretty speechless and wish you the strength you need to rise above such appalling tactics.

If I had to reply to the above letter, I would say sorry she can't do X but like her dad you can't afford it and maybe add that your own DC would love to do something like that but you can't afford it for them either. How sad it is in this world that we can't do everything we want because of money! And maybe ask her why she isn't at school.

In fact, ask her lots of questions about how things are going, who her friends are, what she does in her spare time, would she like to come and stay etc. to give her parents the embarrassment of having to reply to the email they are surely writing from their daughter's address!

Awful. But as you already know, feeding this situation would make it ten times worse.

Original poster

helpmegetthisrightplease · 01/07/2009 10:57

Feel like sending back:

Dear half sister

I am sorry but I can't help. It is up to your mum and dad to make money to pay for things like this. Dp and I have to look after DD and she is our main concern.

It is wonderful that you got even a year of Stagecoach and its lovely that you enjoyed it. Your dad left my mum with me and your half brother and sister when I was 5 and they were 3 and 1. My mum couldnt' afford very much because he left her with lots of money problems and did very little to help after he'd gone. You must ask your mum and dad to work harder and then they might have enough money to send you to Stagecoach.

Sorry I cant help.

Love

Helpmegetthisright

PS I am not your aunty

Won't send it of course JUST IN CASE it really was her sending the email

OP posts:

HecatesTwopenceworth · 01/07/2009 10:58

My god. I think I'd be seeing red and sending him an email saying if you can't afford kids you shouldn't have had them. (Although you shouldn't actually do that cos it's not sensible )

Nerve of the man!

charlotte1978 · 01/07/2009 10:58

OMG I am seething for you. You need to tell your father to fuck off. How dare he? These are his children! He should be providing for them.

Sweetheart, under no circumstances do you pay them a penny. You email that child back and tell her that whilst you are sad she has to give up her drama school you explain that you are her sister and not a bank for her parents and tell her that if her that if she wants to go to Stagecoach then to ask her parents.

Sorry hon but your father is a damn disgrace. My father would never have asked me for money.

You are not responsible for providing for HIS children.

You also need to demand the money back he owes you. Deposits for flats aren't cheap and I am sure you could do with this money back.

ZZZenAgain · 01/07/2009 10:58

What a cheek. These two children are not your children and they are not your responsibility. If your father chose to have more children with a new wife, the two of them between them must work to give their children the life they want. If they cannot provide THEIR dc with certain (IMO unessential things), then they and the dc must come to terms with it.

Because I might like my dd to play polo but I cannot afford the horse or whatever else does not mean that my various relatives must club together to provide it. Think about it, that's just ridiculous.

If your dc have more opportunities that's because you and your dh struggle to provide them and you got where you are with no help from your father. I would tell him straight out and make no bones about it. Him and his wife in fact. Is he behind all this or she do you think?

If the mum and dad want their dd to do stagecoach, they should both get a Saturday job and that'll pay for it.

RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 01/07/2009 10:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

MuppetsMuggle · 01/07/2009 11:01

Send it.

Its perfect.

ZZZenAgain · 01/07/2009 11:04

you can send the email. It's fine but drop the I'm sorry. there is nothing to be sorry about and you said it twice.

Original poster

helpmegetthisrightplease · 01/07/2009 11:07

I'm not sending anything until I've calmed down and stopped wanting to hit the walls with the laptop.

Shall I phone and ask to speak to half sister? I'm sure she won't be in!

OP posts:

ZZZenAgain · 01/07/2009 11:12

How about you just don't respond AT ALL then if you don't want to rock the boat?

I think though these demands will continue on and on and if you don't tell him blunty how you see it. I totally dislike the resentment of your father that your dc (his GRANDCHILDREN after all) have more money spent on them than his dc. He should work to provide for them then.

You're just as much his child as your half-sister is and he provided you with nothing right?

ZZZenAgain · 01/07/2009 11:13

bluntLy

I am not helping you calm down

beanieb · 01/07/2009 11:13

I think you should email back but maybe not put the stuff in about how your dad not providing for you when you were little. it might worry them.

Maybe just explain that as her hald sister and with a family of your own you can't help them financially but as a sister you will always be there for help and advice if she needs it.

If it were me I would send something to your dad about the way he left your mum to struggle etc. The issues you have are with him not your half sister and maybe now is the time to get all that stuff off your chest, just try not to drag your siblings into it.

LoveBeingAMummy · 01/07/2009 11:20

OMG no wonder you are so mad, i can't believe this.

Does his wife know about all of this?

If you really want to get it right i assume that you mean you want some osrt of relationship with him?

Maybe a sit down discussion between you, his wife and your dp. He needs to understand that dads are meant to bail out their dugthers not the other way round!

bamboostalks · 01/07/2009 11:22

You poor thing, what an appalling father. Please know that you owe them nothing except what you wish to freely give.

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