Relationship Shock - where do I go from here?

[ampm]

Hope I'm not too "old" to ask questions on this site - really need advice from anybody who maybe understands, so here goes. Background: Young 52, widowed 8 years ago when only daughter 10. After 3 years creating new home on shoestring budget decided time to make new friends and explored Internet Dating. Talked to just 2 men, met one and knew immediately it was going to be good.

Daughter hated him with such depth/anger that we sought professional counselling and happy to say that after 3 tough years she accepted and has grown into a lovely young lady. I've been so happy and felt I had found my soulmate. The problem is ...... soulmate (we live 50 miles apart but divide week between 2 houses) has started to distance himself and be less caring/loving after Christmas. Said he needed space and wasn't sure of love anymore.

I'm devastated - talked of future dreams and thought we'd grow old together (he has older daughters and good relationship with ex wife). I'm not pushing for marriage and just can't understand how we have reached this point of separation so suddenly. Now feeling so lost and empty. Struggling to hold it together for daughter (now 17 and she's feeling guilty for the bad start)and it's hard to focus at work. Can't sleep, cry more than ever did when husband died and simply do not understand what's going on. How can a strong, warm, funny, romantic relationship change like that? He has no answers and says doesn't want to hurt me more by prolonging things if there is no future. We've only exchanged a couple of texts in last month and I am so very hurt, it's unbearable. Would appreciate any words of wisdom to help me get through this nightmare.

I've just logged on and amazed to find people have responded. I really didn't expect this as the "topic" is almost a month old. As I read through, the tears started again because I'm just so touched at your kindness to a stranger.

You've all said it's OK to keep talking as someone out there will listen, so here goes.

To reply to Unlikelyamazonian's questions: A little bit of me wants to make contact but a huge part knows I simply can't take the ultimate rejection at the moment. I do have some of his things at home but stupidly want to cling to these as a last link. My things are all over his house but, similarly, I can't bear the thought of them all being boxed up and returned as then I would truly be out of his life. I KNOW it's crazy but I want him to be reminded of me right now.

Also, I need to think of the happy times shared at each others' homes, not have the last thoughts as ones of utter sadness. At the moment it's like balancing scales - the huge amount of happiness over past 4 years on one side and the devastation and loss during last 3 months on the other. I want to be able to keep the positive love, not be eaten up with bitterness. Does this make any sense?

However, there has been contact of a sort, as at the weekend I drove 150 miles(unannounced and risking they might be on holiday) to see his elderly parents. They were surprised to see me and it was a little awkward. His mum admitted she had an inkling things were not right between us but didn't like to pry as her son is a very private person - he's never actually told them we're not together any more, just that we are "not seeing much of each other these days". Reading between the lines I think she knows more, but it was getting very emotional and I want to keep some dignity in all this.

When I wake up each morning I say to myself well that's another day survived, another 24 hours cutting the ties, gradually distancing ourselves and trying not to go to pieces. But I'm just kidding myself and it all feels like it's happening to someone else and I am not part of the real world. Then it's on with the business suit, heels and makeup and pretend.

The reality is just such emptiness and the loss of my dreams (which seemed so achievable in terms of simply being with the cliched "soulmate" and getting on with life together and - most importantly - being part of a loving family unit for daughter who's had to deal with so much at that age, coped, accepted and emerged a lovely young woman).

Thanks for bearing with me and "letting it all out" yet again - this is a truly a lifeline.

I dont want to seem brutal ampm, but most men are cowards and when they withdraw from one relationship, it usually means they have something else to go to. I made all the excuses in the world for my ex dh when It was obvious he was having an affair.

I could have saved a lot of time and heartache instead of prolonging the agony, by making more effort when it wasnt me who needed to be doing that.

Listen to your instincts, they are always right.

There is a new chapter to begin...... with someone who deserves you.

Is this anything to do with his ex wife? Sorry to ask, but saw reference to her in your first post.

Critterjitter - at last a question I can answer with some certainty! He's always maintained a good, civil relationship with ex wife (I admit to being a little jealous at first) but having met her + new partner at several family get-togethers, I'd say there is no connection. I did put this possibility to his parents and they also thought ex was very happy with current relationship.

Cahu - I do understand your "brutal" approach and somewhere down the line this may be proved right. However, I think I got to "know" him well over last 4 years and if there was someone else, I do believe the signs would have been there and different scenarios played out.

As it stands, the almost overnight total transformation from warm, loving, caring person to this distant stranger makes no sense at all. Or is this part of a cruel elaborate deception?

In an effort to understand what happened, I've read about "commitment phobic men". Does anyone have any experience/comments about this I wonder?

ampm

I feel your pain tho am in slightly different position.

But have had a relationship someone who withdraws, gets cold feet and generally causes much heartache/break.

I know how hard it is to put on that brave face (esp in front of work colleagues and dcs). In fact a work colleague I eventually confided in said he had no idea I was going through such heartbreak.

Just wanted to pull out two themes from the posts - just how hard it is to get self closure and the desperate feeling that you want to contact them. I am torn mostly between assertively asking for explanations and keeping a dignfied silence. The latter goes against everything I feel and think but have done it on occasions. It seems such game playing for grown adults to engage in.

It's as if you have to decide or guess the best 'move' in order to achieve the result you want rather than being straight and honest with someone you have been very close to.

The second is the cowardly approach of just withdrawing - however difficult it is (and it is) to end something I would like to think I would find the courage to do so. It's really very disrespectful and selfish to do otherwise.

Allow yourself to grieve.

Sincitylover - thanks for comments. Thought I was getting good at brave face but at lunchtime work colleague (not that well acquainted with, female) asked if I was OK, as I looked a bit "fragile". Cue the tears, yet again. Just feel drained. The thought of almost through another day is no consolation when I think of all the days ahead (sorry for sounding so self-pitying, it's not my normal way) just feel sick and lost.

Will maintain the dignified silence a while longer simply because I cannot cope with total rejection if I did manage to make contact, and can't bear to drive over to his house to see the "I don't love you anymore" look on his face.

You're right, it is like a game in a way but I don't think I hold any of the cards! How can he simply forget the closeness of past 4 years? Or does he feel so guilty for hurting me he has to block it all off? I'm sounding like an amateur psychiatrist now aren't it - just want other people's perspective, harsh or not.

I really can't be the only one to become involved with a man who has run from a relationship when it was all so good? The pain is unbearable and I just need help with the WHY

Hi again. You're making the mistake of thinking it was all so good for him as well. If the relationship had been that good for him, he wouldn't have left. He must have been doing a pretty good job of pretending everything was fine for quite a long time.
I'm not saying there was anything wrong with you at all, it's all got to do with him and his issues, be they around commitment or whatever.

I've described my own experience here and the same thing happened to me. But it's not as if my ex went from being a loving, warm, courageous man one minute to a complete loser who just disappeared the next. He ALWAYS had issues and I don't doubt that yours had too. He hid them from me pretty well and I thought he was wonderful. In the last week or so I've actually started to dislike my ex and if I saw him it would be hard to hide the expression of contempt on my face. With any luck you'll get there too.

Ouch Sparkybint that hit home. It's really hard to accept that he was pretending for past 4 years, but I do accept he should have talked through any problems and can't understand this walk away attitude.

Maybe I am on completely the wrong road here with commitment issues, but several people have now told me that their partner left when the relationship was on a "high", that there were no clear indications of this being about to happen apart from a slight slowing down in affection and distancing, which could be put down to all manner of external influences, expecially in this current unsettling economic climate etc.

These men seem ready and able to love but only to a certain point, when something triggers such a panic (no, I can't understand what that could be in a longterm, solid relationship either!) that they feel desperate to withdraw and sabotage what was once so good.

I realise this line of thinking may be way off the truth but, in my particular case, it seems to fit and helps - if that's the right terminology - to bear the pain of being without the one person I felt 100% at ease with.

Does anyone out there feel the same or do you think I'm just searching for an explanation other than he's fallen out of love with me. Don't spare your true thoughts - I don't have to agree with you, just interested.

I am so sorry that you are hurting, but don't you feel just a tiny bit of anger for how he has treated you? After this time, you deserve a final cut off, not a drifting away with no explanation. I would be spitting feathers by now!

Dior - no haven't reached the angry stage yet. It's like balancing scales - on one side is this huge amount of happiness from our time together and all the tangible stuff & memories that go with it, against the comparatively sadness on the other side resulting from this incomprehensible withdrawal.

I had 27 years of what I thought of as happy marriage and the grief felt when husband died is completely different to this grief. The last 4 years aren't even on the same scale. All my boxes ticked, almost too good to be true - now it seems that is the case - but I need to keep the positive or I'll end up bitter and broken.

Does this make any sense? Believe me, I'm not a passive doormat but, for me, to turn the love into hate would hurt even more.

I'm really sorry ampm, what I said was very blunt to say the least... it could well be a case of extreme commitmentphobia and what you say about these men seeming ready and able to love but only to a certain point, could well be true. But they have issues right from the start and hide them very well. The hardest thing to accept with mine, was how much he seemed to need me and want a committed relationship; I think he'd actually convinced himself of it but when it came to it he just ran. What sort of childhood did your ex have? I think it's really important to know that and personally, I wouldn't go near a man now who
had seriously deficient parenting (the case with my last two partners).

You do need to feel angry and that will come, it does for virtually everyone. And after that, with any luck, you'll just feel neutral. You don't have to hate him and I don't hate my ex, but I do really dislike him at the moment but I know that feeling will become more muted with time.

It's not the first time this has happened to me either; apart from a divorce 3 years ago, I was left by the love of my life (the one before my ex-husband) after what I thought were 5 blissful years together. It had come to the crux of us getting married and he just couldn't do it. I came home one night to find he'd moved out and that was it. I even spoke to him that morning at work and asked him what he wanted for supper....But here I am, battle-scarred but not beaten. You've got a lot of life left to live so you HAVE to get over this and you will.

Well, time to get angry. Not bitter, just mad that he has done this. Men who finish with a woman by disappearing are the lowest. You deserve better after four years.

SPARKYBINT - No don't apologise - I'd rather hear your truthful opinion and I am listening. It may be a lot longer before I can take it on board, but I do appreciate your thoughts.

Re childhood - having known his parents and younger brother for several years now (and we all spent last Christmas together with members of "my" side of the family) I am confident they grew up in a very loving environment and both brothers have a good relationship with mum and dad now. We've all talked about our early days and I was brought up in a similar family setting, rural community etc. So no concerns with parenting - in fact just the opposite.

Obviously there is something wrong with these individuals that they end up treating the ones they "love" so badly - you must have been devastated to be 5 years into the relationship and then for that to happen. Did you ever get a reason why?

DIOR - I guess the anger will come. I'm not saying it's wrong or wouldn't help, just that I can't fake the "angry" feelings any more than I can switch off the "loving" feelings at the moment.

Good morning ampm. How are you doing today, is it getting any better? You say you have to get suited and booted for work - do you enjoy your job? At the very least, I hope it's keeping you sane. Work has always been a godsend when I'm in deep heartbreak mode.

Yes, I was totally devastated when the ex before the one before the one before left! The explanation? I really wanted us to get married/have kids and he went along with it for a long time and even tried to convince himself it could work but knew he was kidding himself. For some reason he was unable to let me down gently, maybe he was just too much of a coward, so the only way out for him was to disappear. I think I went into shock for about 6 months....Funnily enough we did resume contact eventually, largely because I was a very close friend of his mum, a truly lovely woman who tragically died last year when she was only in her 60s.

How is your daughter? It must be lovely to have her around and I'm sure she's a great support to you. Does she still miss her dad? My daughter (my only child) is just 9 but very wise. She sees a lot of her dad, who she adores, but not so much at the moment because he's just had a baby with his new girlfriend and the poor little thing has spent the first two months of her life in hospital. No-one knows exactly what's wrong and only time will tell. Even though my ex-husband broke my heart when he left I really feel for him, he's trying to be so strong but I can tell he's broken inside....

Life is just such a challenge isn't it, but we can all rise to whatever it throws at us, if we want to. Where do you live by the way, is it urban or rural and which half of the country?

Hello again SB. Please don't think I'm wallowing in it for the sake of it but each day is just another lot of hours to get through at the moment. I'm ashamed to say this - it's really not my way.

Yes, I do enjoy my office manager job and it takes my mind off things (but still keep checking for emails from him, like before). Daughter is very special only child and has had a lot to cope with (heart surgery) but now a typical teenager who knows it all! Just starting driving lessons and had holiday with friends and no parents around! She found it very difficult to accept new partner at first and we all went through a couple of years of hell but she's fine now and wishes it was all OK for me. Still misses her dad but in a way is stronger for coping, if that makes sense, and we talk openly about him.

I do know that I'll be OK one day. It all seems such a waste that it's come to this for no obvious reason (well, not obvious to me) when everything was starting to go our way. I've not been pushing for marriage (and I know he is OK with this), we just enjoyed so much and the future looked bright. Now I'm overwhelmed by sadness, can't stop thinking about what's lost and so miss the hug or look that said it will be OK, we're in this together.

Sorry for rambling on. It's nice your daughter has good relationship with her dad and, hopefully, her new step-sister.

PS I live near Rugby!

I think things would be easier for you if he had just TOLD you that he didn't want to see you any more. Some men can be cowards. I suppose this way, he can creep back into your life if he wants to, with a 'Oh, I was just having a break'.

I'm sorry you are hurting and I really DO understand where you are coming from. Being left high and dry is horrible. You deserve better.

Hi ampm, just wanted to let you know I'm a weak and sentimental woman who should take her own advice....After a night out with the girls and far too much wine I had a desperate longing to hear my ex's voice. It seemed a totally reasonable thing to do, pick up the phone and call him (number withheld of course). Luckily his son answered the landline (I hung up) and his mobile went straight to voicemail.

I had that feeling when I woke up that I'd done something stupid last night but couldn't put my finger on it...Then it came to me. Thank the lord he didn't pick up. So I just wanted to let you know I'm there with you, and it can take a long time to be really free.

Hello SB and thank goodness you said that - I thought it was only me feeling so desperate to hear his voice (can't bring myself to delete messages from mobile or emails either). I've had phone in my hand several times, but wasn't sure that 141 prefix would actually work, so chickened out!

This time last year we were packing suitcases ready for first holiday outside UK - until then I'd always felt the need to be within several hours drive of daughter in case of an emergency! It was such a special week and another memory to be locked away until one day this doesn't hurt quite so much.

Thanks for being there, understanding and being that bit further down the line to "recovery" - it really helps.

I'm glad it helps and I know how awful it is when you have "anniversaries." It's my birthday next month and I'll be thinking what a lovely time we had at my last one.... I found a couple of his DVDs the other day and I'm sending them back and couldn't resist including a note. Not angry or rude or anything, just to express my total incredulity at how one minute he professed to love me like no other and the next he just disappeared.

I'm sure that sooner or later you won't be able to resist the urge to contact him and you've done so well to have resisted it so far. And 141 does work! If you do, don't beat yourself up, it's all part of the healing process.

Hi SB - my birthday next month too! Not sure what to do that evening - do I go out with people, stick on a fake smile and try to be sociable (my heart really isn't in that and feel sick just thinking about the pretence) or stay in with wine, chocolate and memories (will that be worse?). I know we shouldn't wish our lives away, but being 6 months down the line might help.

So, has there been no contact at all in any shape or form with ex? How long now?

hello ampm, so sorry you are in such a sad situation.

I am not surprised this has hit you so hard - not only was it one of the foundations on which you built your life after the shock of being widowed so young, but you have now suffered actual rejection at a time when rejection comes hard. As you say, you face your daughter moving away, and however much pride you have in her college attendance, and her growing independence it is a big change in your staus as mother - and you will lose the comfort of a day to day friend in the house. Also, you must be approaching peri-menopause, which may well be making you feel fragile emotionally, and signals another change in your life - however matter of fact you are about it.

You know, you have so much to be proud of: you DID support your daughter after the loss of her dad, and made life go on. You DID create a happy and succesful relationship, which, while it was mutually good was an achievement. You are the mother of a girl poised to make a place for herself in the wold, you have energy, vision, a job....be proud of yourself, and know that you can move on not merely as an abject survivor of this, but to new and more challenging things.

Birthdays, shmirthdays. Do something ordinary - go to the cinema with one good friend, and for a curry.

And choose one thing - simple or complicated - that you would like to do for yourself and have never done. A place to visit, a course to take, and experience to try. Something that will give you a sense of achievement. (bungee jump, volunteering half a day a week, aerobics, swiss ball, a language course, visit a gallery in another town and find out about an artist you have never heard of...hatever) And just do it. You have no need to be looking forward to growing old at your vigorous stage in life - be looking for the next phase.

I am not underestimating the pain of rejection, but (IMO of a relationship breakdown at a mature age) it is easy to imagine that all your eggs were in one basket, and to feel that your life cannot be anything again - and it is importan to give yourself little reminders that this is certainly not the case.

Well, I'm going round to a single friend's house and she's going to cook me a slap-up meal. So if you've got a close friend or two, I think that's the answer, spend it with them.
It's been two months since he evaporated and all I've had from him is one poxy card saying "get well" because I'd had an op on my foot. Not one single word more. And to think when we were together, the words just flowed...Maybe I should have paid heed then.

I find the hardest thing is trying to work out what happened and like you, I'm having to do it all on my own because they've just vanished.

Hello BLU and thanks for your wise words. Yes, understand the approaching empty nest syndrome and was indeed looking forward to support from ex on the basis his 3 girls are at that "couple of years ahead" stage. Happy to say sailed through menopause 2 years ago with no side effects (amazingly lucky I know).

I'm also doing stuff to keep busy, like OU taster course, gym etc but it's all such a pretense and like I am someone else detached from the real world. Weird feeling, although probably part of normal grieving process (but totally different from when husband died).

SB - sorry but I can't remember, did you live together? Does ex now live near you? Likely to bump into each other? Did you meet his family, friends or work colleagues? What did you say to people about the split? Sorry for all the questions, just intruigued at possible similarities and, of course, I'm still searching for explanations of what happened to result in such a transformation.

Hi again. None of what you're doing is a pretence even though it feels hard. I find keeping a journal helps enormously and being able to talk to friends. I'm glad the menopause was easy for you, I'm going through it now and apart from a spate of hot flushes recently, it's been really OK.

We had a long distance relationship which I suppose makes it easier (I met him online too). Only saw eachother every other weekend but he got me very involved and very early on, with his kids, mother, brother etc. Have left them all alone which is hard, especially his sweet 85 year-old mum who thought I was the best thing since sliced bread. I think he just got totally carried away but my his own admission didn't know what he wanted. A man of 53 with 2 grown-up kids, I ask you. Sounds like it took your ex longer to come to that conclusion and makes it all the harder for you.

Anyway, I don't want a serious relationship again for a while (if ever) but have gone back online. Don't ask me why, perhaps I just need to feel there are men out there who aren't all nuts...

SB - I was also involved with his family and although the recent meeting with his parents didn't quite go as I hoped, it still feels strange to simply "disappear" from the other family members and one particular couple who made me feel really welcome from the start. I wonder what your ex said to his mother, especially as that generation may find it harder to understand relationships today.

I think you're really brave with the online dating. After a fair bit of wine with friends one evening, they put my profile out and I got a "perfect match" - a 5'6" buddhist who smoked! (what happened to the at least 6ft and non-smoking request?). And another thing, so many of the 50+ men look ancient - balding, wrinkled, scruffy etc whereas us fifty-somethings are wearing far better I think!

I know you have mixed feelings for your ex and aim for the "neutral" but do you think he's seeing anybody else? Is he on any dating sites that you're aware of or does he just want to be alone for a while?