Relationship Shock - where do I go from here?

[ampm]

Hope I'm not too "old" to ask questions on this site - really need advice from anybody who maybe understands, so here goes. Background: Young 52, widowed 8 years ago when only daughter 10. After 3 years creating new home on shoestring budget decided time to make new friends and explored Internet Dating. Talked to just 2 men, met one and knew immediately it was going to be good.

Daughter hated him with such depth/anger that we sought professional counselling and happy to say that after 3 tough years she accepted and has grown into a lovely young lady. I've been so happy and felt I had found my soulmate. The problem is ...... soulmate (we live 50 miles apart but divide week between 2 houses) has started to distance himself and be less caring/loving after Christmas. Said he needed space and wasn't sure of love anymore.

I'm devastated - talked of future dreams and thought we'd grow old together (he has older daughters and good relationship with ex wife). I'm not pushing for marriage and just can't understand how we have reached this point of separation so suddenly. Now feeling so lost and empty. Struggling to hold it together for daughter (now 17 and she's feeling guilty for the bad start)and it's hard to focus at work. Can't sleep, cry more than ever did when husband died and simply do not understand what's going on. How can a strong, warm, funny, romantic relationship change like that? He has no answers and says doesn't want to hurt me more by prolonging things if there is no future. We've only exchanged a couple of texts in last month and I am so very hurt, it's unbearable. Would appreciate any words of wisdom to help me get through this nightmare.

You're right WTIFT and I do realise it's a grieving process (although strangely didn't feel this depth of emotion when my husband died) and equally know I have to keep brave face on for my daughter, who really doesn't need to see mum falling apart like this.

However, there's a limit to how much time I can spend at work, gardening, decorating, beginning Open University taster course, crying on friends' shoulders etc and it all comes down to being overwhelmed with sadness when I'm alone with my thoughts plus, of course, missing the hug from him to say "we're in this together".

Sorry to sound as if I'm wallowing in self pity, it just hurts soooo very much.

You are grieving and you need to go through these feelings. Don't be hard on yourself. And don't wonder whether you did anything wrong (you probably are tormenting yourself) - he sounds so like my DP - we dated 21 years ago, he dumped me just when things seemed perfect - went on to have many more short term relationships and keeps friendly with many of his exes (including me). I married on the rebound and several years later and one daughter down the line, got back with him. He seemed totally into us - and I think, deep down, he still is. But part of him is still a commitophobe, afraid of totally giving himself for fear that one day I shall see him for the dreadful person he believes he is. Do you think yours might have similar hangups? Do you know why his marriage broke up? How long was he married for? It's interesting tht he's still on good terms with his ex - how does she feel about him really, I wonder? Who initiated the breakup of the marriage?

Lots of pondering on his past history of relationships for you to think on - just to gain some understanding of why he's changed, even if it doesn't bring him back. What I'm saying is, it may be to do with his own psychological makeup, and nothing to do with you being at fault. It doesn't make him a bad person either, just a damaged and damaging one!

And keep posting on here, we'll prop you up any way we can .

You don't sound self pitying at all - just very, very sad.

It is a horrible thing to have to go through especially when there seems to be no real explanation for it.

Yes, keep posting we'll support you as much as we can - and we have one advantage over your rl friends, if you cry on our shoulders they'll never get soggy.

Tanee and WTIFT really appreciate your shoulders and yes I'm in tears yet again, just can't seem to control emotions.

Because I just want to talk and talk and talk I can answer questions easily: Married for 21 years and says they grew apart (a lot to do with his being away on business a great deal) but obviously I only have the one side of the story. There was a relationship after the divorce which apparently ended as he felt she was using him as a meal ticket (he has a good salary and lots of perks).

Ex has a "friend" but they don't live together all the time. The four of us have all got on well enough at various family get-togethers and although I was a little jealous at first of the connection between partner and ex wife, realise it's better to be on good terms than at loggerheads and this really isn't an issue any more.

At Christmas we chose a simple platinum ring for me (no, did not give any hints along the lines of engagement!) which was seen as a symbol of another brick in our "together" wall. Like I said earlier, we seemed to be near the peak of happiness.

However, the more I think about it, the more I wonder if there's a commitment issue where for some reason - a totally alien concept to me - he feels the need to get away because it's too good? Or am I clutching at straws again. Just don't know what's happened but after weeks of no contact do feel I am being phased out and this is part of the pain.

I could go on lots more but don't want to bore you so will just repeat the thanks x

It would be interesting to know what his ex wife's take on this is.

Like you, I don't understand his commitment issues - I wouldn't have been with someone for that long if I didn't already feel committed.

It could also be, as you say that he has a bit of a self destruct tendancy and did decide to get away because it was too good.

I wouldn't be surprised though if he doesn't come back to you, though would you ever feel sure of him not doing this again ? Having said that, I remember that my dh took a break from our relationship, for a while, before we were married and we got back together and it has never been an issue since.

WTIFT - oh no, now you're giving me a glimmer of hope!

Fool that I am, I think if only we could meet up and set a few things straight then, with the benefit of hindsight and wisdom of people like yourself to act as "armour", maybe I could play it slightly different to diffuse the possible commitment problem.

But then again, at the moment I don't feel I can risk the utter rejection if he doesn't want to see me

Guess it's back to keeping my distance and see what happens.

ampm - how are you today ?

I think it is a case of what will make you feel worse, isn't it.
Trying to see him to get some straight answers, which may result in rejection, but then at least you would know it was truly over. Or maintaining a dignified silence, but going through hell in the meantime not knowing what was going on, but not forcing his hand and leaving the possibility open of a reconciliation.

If it was me I think I would be so desperate to know why he had changed that I would try and see him, as I would rather know for sure, even if it was bad news.
I think that your stance is better if there is to be any hope of a reconciliation - just very hard to maintain.

Hello WTIFT - appreciate you "following" my journey. Busy at work today so little time to think but woke 3am from very real dream where everything was right again, felt sick and really hot then cold when I realised it was just a dream (or are these normal menopausal symptoms - see, I still have tiny bit of humour left).

I understand what you're saying about knowing for sure, but at the moment I'm not that strong and it would reduce me to a complete wreck. Not ideal when I need to be strong and focus on daughter's uni choices, open days etc. Sadly this is something WE would have done together - why oh why does it all come back to missing him so much?

Just started to read online horoscopes (how desperate is that) and although I know that in reality these relate to millions of other "Leos" how come the words are all about partnerships ending, moving on, emotional changes etc!!! Not what I want to hear.

Another weekend looms and will try hard to fill the time, resist the urge to make contact and maintain the "dignified silence" for a while longer.

Hope you enjoy the weekend, wherever you are!

Hi ampm, how are you today? I can so understand you having the dreams etc - I went through all that with dp 20 years ago. I sometimes wonder how we ever managed to get back together again, and I wonder even more if we will last! The worst part then, was not having any answers. I only started getting those many years later, and he still admits he's a mess!

Hope you are being extra kind to yourself?

Hello again Tanee and thanks for asking - despite overwhelming sadness and urge to try making contact, I'm maintaining dignified silence.

July is going to be a difficult month - our "anniversary", his birthday, a this time last year memory of being on first holiday outside UK, daughter's birthday and reminders of the party WE organised. It just goes on and I'm reduced to tears once more.

Just can't accept it's the end of the road. The pain is a sub-text to everything I do each day and nights are even worse when the realisation that I'll never be held closely again is a cold, hard dread inside. So sorry for sounding like I'm wallowing in it - this isn't the true me and I'd give anything not to be like it. There's just no real answer if he has this irrational fear of commitment but dear god it's so very hurtful.

Don't know how you can all bear to listen to me go on like this

ampm you are doing really well, maintaining a dignified silence - it must be so hard not to make contact. I admire your restraint - will probably make him think much more than tackling him and getting all emotional.

It might be the end of the road with him, but then if he isn't able to commit then it is better that you find out now rather than further down the line. But it doesn't mean you won't ever be held closely again - you sound like a lovely person and will meet someone who has the same goals and aspirations as you, that you can feel confidence in.

How could you ever trust this bloke again - you would probably always be on tenterhooks worrying he might be having a commitment angst again. It is his loss and I think he will probably eventually realise it but hopefully you will have moved onwards and upwards by then.

xx

I totally agree with WineTime - and you cannot know that you will never be held again - never is a long time and you are still young. (oh yes, you are )! It's his loss, and he will know it. You will be fine - this is the worst period of grieving, but things will get better - take a break from Men and concentrate on yourself. Of course he will lurk in the background with all the anniversaries, but truly, time will heal - and Somebody Better may be just around the corner! Let us know how you get on and if you ever feel bad, just vent on here - we really don't mind - we've all done it ourselves and it keeps us sane!

I actually meant never being wrapped in HIS arms again! Thought of getting intimate with another man makes my stomach churn right now - I know, I know you're trying to keep me positive and do appreciate you following this still.

Thought I had a good marriage in all senses but loving was never like past 4 years. Fighting so hard to keep emotions under control but it's impossible to switch off the feelings and I WANT HIM BACK. Need to know there's someone out there on my side with a hug and kiss that means "don't worry together we can sort it out". Hate being like this, hate waking up each morning to another day without but now very good at pretending to the world, apart from on here where the tears are runnign down my face

So sorry to hear how upset this is making you ampm. It must be awful for you at the minute.

I feel like I want to have a word with him myself and put him straight on a few things as he is behaving abysmally. He owes you some sort of explanation and by not doing that he is showing no regard for your feelings. He must know you will be going through hell over this.

I wish I had some wise words to help, like Tanee has, but can only offer a sympathetic ear for as long as you need it.

ampm have just read your thread and am in tears myself. I understand the pain you describe, as do so many others and I know that doesn't really help. This is very raw for you at the moment and you are being so brave by not contacting him. Braver than I would be! As everyone else has said, time is the only healer although it's hard to see it when you're in so much pain. If things don't work out, this pain will fade in time. My heart goes out to you and take care of yourself.

ampm just seen this, know EXACTLY how you feel. Am 51 and divorced with DD of 9. I met a wonderful man online just over a year ago and we fell hard - he proposed just 4 months in and I thought we were made for life.

A month ago, he virtually disappeared, no explanation, just that I was too intense and he couldn't see a future with me. It was long distance too and that made it harder. I've emailed and texted and have had no response until yesterday when he sent me a get well card signed simply with his name and best wishes (I've recently had a minor op).

Like you I was shell-shocked and realised that as well as the hurt of him finishing it, I've also had to let go of the dream I had of growing old with someone who truly loved me. I've stopped trying to make sense of it and am keeping busy with friends, daughter, home etc. I don't know what was going on in your DP's head but sounds like a massive case of cold feet combined with total lack of courage - ie being able to tell you what he's thinking. My best advice is to grieve, don't take it personally and move on. You're going to have to find closure all by yourself so try you hardest not to contact him. It doesn't make any sense I know, but you have to face up to the fact that he had issues. And believe me, life doesn't end at 51 or 52.....

ps just re-read what you said about his family - I got to know ex DP's elderly mum and son and daughter really well and know they liked me a great deal. I feel bad when I think I haven't had the chance to say goodbye. But I'm leaving it because it's his issue - you shouldn't feel guilty for not having closure with them, he's the one who's created the situation. Stay strong and try not to do anything that you'd regret.

To ILoveTrees - really nice of you add a message. I'm amazed at the kindness of strangers.

To Sparkybint - I think you really do understand some of the raw emotion I'm trying to deal with, especially the feeling about growing old together. Keeping busy is an option some of the time, i.e. work/home/company of few close friends but it's the hours inbetween when I just can't switch off. So many triggers for memories and I'm not at the angry stage yet, just can't believe this has happened, so quickly and without obvious signs. Wish I knew how to put all the love out of my head/heart.

I don't want to set you back, but just how are you getting through the days? Thought I was strong (well strong for others in troubled times) but this has just knocked me for six.

I've just read about someone who posted quite a lot then seemed to disappear, causing others to wonder what had happened. Since I've not talked for a while about the "relationship / possible commitment phobic partner" I thought maybe it would be appropriate to update, but then sadly it's only to say that I'm still hurting so much, still don't know why or how we got into this nightmare situation, still cry so much despite putting on brave face for work etc (along with the make-up)and still can't come to terms or move on.

So basically I'm kind of embarassed and don't know what to say to anyone, especially those who've been so kind and understanding through their own experiences.

Yes it helps to talk, and talk and talk but I do realise there's a limit to how much MN's can take but if there's anyone out there, please post as I really do need to feel I'm not on my own and there's such a huge empty space, it's unbearable. Sorry for sounding so weak and pathetic again. I do know it will get better, it's just how to get through another day/night and hold it all together.

hi ampm, I have read your thread and my heart goes out to you, and I couldn't let your comment "there's a limit to how much MN's can take" go unchallenged, MN is always there for you, there are so many people on here ready to listen, advise and be there for you, if you want them to be.

Keep posting, I know from personal experience that it helps to just let it all out. I for one am listening

As inthemistoftime says we are here for you. Talk away we will listen and NEVER think that you are posting too much. There is no limit to MN postings and the support is here for you.

It will get better and they say time heals but that will not be helping you right now. You are not weak. Please do not do yourself an injustice.

Focus on the next hour then the next day etc and then one day you will realise that you are not thinking about him so often.

Yes, you can ALWAYS post here and talk, you'll find a sympathetic ear on MN for sure. It's okay to still be sad, to still be hurting. No-one is going to judge you for that. For what its worth it does get better but I know that's not going to help much right now.

I do think that the process of grieving for a relationship involves a lot of crapness and crying, but it's healthy in a funny kind of way - to cry I mean. Gets it out of you. Much better than bottling it all up and never dealing with it, which would lead to problems later down the road.

Oh love, I don't know what to stay, except hang in there and you will feel so much better in the future, you WILL get to that place. Allow the sadness to pass through you, and watch it, knowing that fine, it's there. But the sadness is not you, it just an emotion you are feeling, and it will be gone one day. You are still YOU.
Take care.
x

Hi ampm. Might it be possible now, after a few weeks of this hell, to contact him straight (call him or write) and suggest you meet. Do you have any of his things that you need to return? IMO I think you deserve answers from this man now. If he has not contacted you at all then that really is very mean of him.

You have shown that you can be very strong and resolved by remaining silent and not contacting him. But the time comes...

You sound the sort of person who would not have a big scene with him but, as someone said earlier, if it helps you move on then you could do with a few truths from him. tbh he sounds a coward.

I really feel for you lovely. I know it is easy to say and impossible to really believe, but you WILL come through this. It is very very early days after a long and wonderful relationship. But he i not the wonderful chap you thought he was is he. He has been unkind in the extreme. Sorry don't mean to sound harsh on him. But just think you need some perspective.

You are moving on even if you don't think you are - time passes, hours, sleepless ones perhaps, but it is all time passing and hours gone and life changing.

Suggest a meeting and if you write to him you could say that you have fully accepted that the relationship is over and you are getting on with your life but that you have been very hurt by his actions and could he please give you some honest answers. You deserve them.

Hugs to you. Hope your mascara is waterproof

Also do not yourself feel guilty about the elderly parents - he has cut you off from them not the other way round. And on no account let your daughter feel a shred of guilt about finding it difficult to start with: she was a child. And she sounds lovely. Well done. x

Hello ampm, I've not been on MN for a while either and have just come back to this thread hoping there'd be an update from you. Don't be hard on yourself for not having started to move on, you were together a long time (my relationship was only just over a year) and it ended brutally. The grieving process is typically one that doesn't follow a straight path - do read Elizabeth Kubler-Ross on the 5 Stages of Grieving if you haven't come across it, it's invaluable.

I can't believe what cowards my ex and yours are. That they haven't had the common decency or courage to help provide some closure. Unlike you I've sent quite a few emails and almost wish I hadn't done because they've just disappeared into cyberspace. But I'm happy to say that it has got better for me, even though I miss him still miss him desperately in the dark of night when I want him to hold me and can't believe that he could have let me down so badly. If it wasn't for the engagement ring he got me, I'd think it had never happened...

Maybe you could contact him as UA suggests but I don't know about a meeting. You'd have to be very strong and I don't know if you are yet. Perhaps just ask if he's OK but you may not get an answer. The fact that he said he needed space and then just disappeared says it all for me. He hasn't been abducted by aliens, he's just a man too weak to face up to what he's done. It will get better, believe me and we're here for you.