Please read, I feel so awful right now! Atila or someone help??

[PlumBumMum]

I don't even know where to put this, it could be a WWYD

Basically I haven't spoke to my father since the day after my dd2 was born,2.7 years ago

Abit of background my father has ruined every family occassion I have ever had,
my graduation (had a row with my mother because the camera wouldn't work)
my wedding (had a row with the man taking the wedding video)
the day my dd1 was born(had a row with my mother in the hosp)
the list goes on of the many times he has thrown a 'tantrum'as I call them and ruined a special occassion
So the day after dd2 was born he threw another tantrum in the hospital over her second name,
this was the last straw for me, and to cut along story short I haven't spoke to him or let him see my 3dcs until I get an apology, which hasn't come because he dosen't think he has done anything wrong!

Now in this time my mother has been keeping in touch and I used to see her once a week, over the last couple of weeks I haven't seen my mother very much, my father has not been well and I think she expected me to go and make it up with him and now realises it isn't going to happen

So to get to the point my dd1 (8) has her end of year dance show in a big theatre, I bought tickets for me, dh, mil and my mum to go tomorrow night

My mother has just rang me and said
I'm not going to be able to go tomorrow night because its Fathers Day, and with the way things are I don't think I should leave your daddy on his own on fathers day

I said thats ok, she said she would give me the money for the ticket and I said no it didn't matter, it was ok I had to go she said bye and that was it

I wanted to scream at her
1 he's not your father
2 You can tell your granddaughter your not going to her show
3 Your a bitch and I can't believe your doing this to me
She told me years ago if he ever made her chose between him and her children she would always chose us!

My dh has just exploded and is never going to speak to my mother again, I feel numb and now I have to tell my 8 year old that her nanny is not coming to see her show(which is a major deal to her!)

I am sitting here numb, I feel like a terrible person because I feel like I should feel more and say more but I have cried to her before about how hurt I am and she just says how do I think she feels!

I feel sick and I don't know what kind of relationship I want with my mother anymore she has let me down so many times

What would You do?

PBM, you are doing well to get your head around some of this. Think of your dd. Agree with other posters - a little white lie "Your grandmother has to look after grandad today as he's not well" perhaps - maybe not so far from the truth! Just be proud of her and enjoy it. Don't start playing your parents' games, try and separate yourself. best of luck

My brother still has a relationship with both of them, even though he has been kicked out of the house, told he is stupid(amongst other names), my brother unfortunately hasn't got many close friends or a partner so he has no one else to support him, my brother is constantly trying to prove himself to him!
my brother admitted that he was relieved when this happened as because in his eyes then he wasn't as bad as he thought,
and is slightly revelling in the fact that he thinks he is closer to our father now, their relationship is complicated!

My mother actually said that my dad said he used to tell people he had 2 children his son he didn't get on with and his daughter never gave him any bother! What kind of statement is that?

Since the Communion I have start detach abit emotionally from my mother and have felt abit happier, hopefully reading the book will help me move on

PBM- your dad is a big bully (?) and yiour mom is a victim. Many women of that generation didn't/don't stand p to their husbands the way some have suggested she should. I think that you are right not to put her in a difficut position but don't let it spoil your time either.

In relation to writing him a letter, I am not sure why yu are concerned about hurting his feelings given that he has ruined and continues to ruin so much. You may regret not doing this at a later stage? Think about it, but in the end you should feel comfortable with what you choose.\

Apologies if some of my earlier posts were presumptious but I was concerned about pressure on your mum who is in a difficult space. Can't be that great being bullied by the one she loves.

Hi PBM,
After you read Toxic Parents,
try these books:

Disarming the Narcissist (Surviving & Thriving with the Self_Absorbed) by Wendy Behary

and

Anger Management (6 Critical Steps to a Calmer Life) by Peter Favaro

Both books help identify problem personalities, difficult circumstances and give constructive (ie: perhaps non-confrontational) responses to the difficult one.

I have found that developing a vocabulary to help identify circumstances and feelings is fundamental in the self-validation that it is them and not you.