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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Advice please re discovery of condoms in a washbag packed for a stag do.

41 replies

shootfromthehip · 19/06/2009 18:59

My mate started seeing her current BF when he was living with someone else. They had an affair for nearly 2 yrs before the live in girlfriend became an ex (her decision).

My friend and her now DP have been offically going out ever since (about 6 mths).

He is going on a stag do tomorrow and is staying with her tonight so brought his stuff. Anyway, she was having a snoop in his bag (apparently she does have problems trusting him- quel suprise) and she found a condom in his washbag.

They don't use condoms. It may have been from his ex (not sure about the intimacies of their relationship!) but my mate is really upset and doesn't know what to do.

I personally think that he's packed it for a reason but I am an old cynic.

Can you give me your thoughts or any ideas about what I can recommend to her? She was snooping and so feels like she can't take the higher moral ground.

Thanks in advance

OP posts:

SoupDragon · 19/06/2009 19:02

How can she be upset when she was happy to shag him behind his gf's back for 2 years? She knows what morals he has, she really shouldn't be surprised.

HolyGuacamole · 19/06/2009 19:03

Don't mean to be horrible but what goes around comes around.

sagacious · 19/06/2009 19:04

erm well its not a good sign is it?

Of course hes packed it for a reason

I have no idea what to recommend (apart from a traditional night out with too much wine and all men are bastards speech)

foxinsocks · 19/06/2009 19:04

lol soupdragon

at least he's using condoms to sleep around

she shouldn't have looked. Perhaps she should check when he comes back if it's still there. Once you go down that path though....

SheWillBeLoved · 19/06/2009 19:04

Leave the condom where it is, and let him go. on the Stag do, and in general.

If after 6 months she's snooping, and he has condoms stashed away, then I can't see anything in that relationship worth losing sleep over.

Mistymoo · 19/06/2009 19:04

One thought - could they have been left there from a previous use of the washbag?

StayFrosty · 19/06/2009 19:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

flier · 19/06/2009 19:05

i think she's gonna have to own up and tell him what she found

DarrellRivers · 19/06/2009 19:05

He's not really a catch is he

DarrellRivers · 19/06/2009 19:06

Agree though, that condom could have been there for years, I have paracetamol older than DD in my washbag

Blu · 19/06/2009 19:07

If the packet looks a bit worn and it has a short 'use by' date, then he has probably had it in there since he was 18.

If it doesn't look as if it has had a damp toothbrush next to it before and has a long 'use by' date, then he is at least planning to be responsible in his serial infidelity.

Original poster

shootfromthehip · 19/06/2009 19:07

It's tough because it is her first relationship since her divorce and she didn't know that he was living with someone for the first few months. She's fallen for him big time and I really hoped that it would work out as I hate the idea of her being hurt again.

That said, I've always had reservations about him as a result of the lying and am gutted to find that he may have not changed her spots. I don't want to push her down the he's a fuckwit route as I know how much 'in love' she is. Aarghhh.

OP posts:

Lulumama · 19/06/2009 19:09

how can you ever trust someone that you know cheated on their previous partner for years??

well, you can't

she does not trust him and has now found something that could potentially prove he is at the least, contemplating shagging someone else

i would take it as a sign that i could never rest easy and really relax in the relationship and on that basis, put an end to it and find someone else

SoupDragon · 19/06/2009 19:11

"she didn't know that he was living with someone for the first few months"

First few months?? out of 2 years?? Sorry but she really needs to face up to reality. He cheated on his previous girlfriend for 2 years, she was complicit in that and she really should be under no illusion that he is going to be faithful to her. Anything short of the honest truth isn't being kind to her.

Original poster

shootfromthehip · 19/06/2009 19:11

Use by date 2013- got her to check. It's new. Apparently they have a max shelf life of 5 yrs (I googled it- I LOVE the internet)

She doesn't want to be lonely but he is a liar. I've obviously tried to get her to walk away (many, many times when they were having an affair) but I'm worried about her emotional state as she has made some bad judgements men wise in the past and she knows it- I don't know if her confidence could handle another error in judgement. She was hoping that this would be 'different'

OP posts:

SoupDragon · 19/06/2009 19:12

Thing is, the error in judgement is already there isn't it? You need to work out how to support /bolster her not how to put her at ease.

foxinsocks · 19/06/2009 19:13

she should probably go for therapy

anyone who makes persistent mistakes like that with men, especially when they are SO bloody easy to spot, probably needs some help to see why she is doing it!

Ewe · 19/06/2009 19:13

It is a stag do, he might be attaching them to a shirt for the stag to wear or other stupid things.

Ask him.

Original poster

shootfromthehip · 19/06/2009 19:14

Soup- I know that you are right and I have told her honestly what my feelings are but she has told me she's a big girl and she will make her own decisions. I on the other hand have chosen to be there for her when the ineviatable happens as she's like my sister.

I just don't know what to do beyond that? Sit it out? keep at her? I'm honestly not sure what to do.

OP posts:

DarrellRivers · 19/06/2009 19:14

Notice I'm prepared for a good weekend away with some paracetamol
Your mate's OH prepares for a weekend away with condoms

Such a world apart

Original poster

shootfromthehip · 19/06/2009 19:16

They have a big dinner thing this evening and she doesn't want to rock the boat as her kids are going. But he leaves for the do in the morning.

I hope it is innocent but it's hard to give the benefit of the doubt in these circumstances

OP posts:

SoupDragon · 19/06/2009 19:16

"she has told me she's a big girl and she will make her own decisions"

Sit it out and pick her up when it all crashes. Because it will crash.

princessmel · 19/06/2009 19:16

He could be taking them for his mates...

Lulumama · 19/06/2009 19:18

if he did not have the proven track record, she could put it down to something more innocent/stupid.. like for some stag prank like sticking them to the stag's shirt.

but the fact is , she can't trust him and has not for some time, as she knows full well what level of deceit he is capable of

he lied to someone else for 2 years

2 years

foxinsocks · 19/06/2009 19:18

I would seriously persuade her to go and talk to someone in therapy

if she does this all the time, there is a reason why and if she can't figure it out herself, try and guide her towards someone who does

seriously

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