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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My dh and escort agencies

39 replies

MrsJellicle · 18/06/2009 21:18

Hello

I;ve never posted before, but I would really appreciate some advice...

My dh had an affair about 4 years ago. At that time, in an effort to find out what sort of man I had married, I snooped around, and found he had also been googling escort agencies. He admitted ringing them up but said he had never actually done anything.

I am pretty sure that the affair is over although he still works with the OW (she is his assistant). I didn't ever tell anyone about it - I knew I couldn't because I wanted to repair the relationship and knew telling people would jeopardise this, even though I desperately needed some support and still do really. I won't bore you with the details, but the pain of the discovery and the ongoing process of recovery has been excruciating - almost physical.

A year ago I happened to be messing about with his phone in the car to try to set up a bluetooth connection with our satnav and stumbled across his search for "escorts in SW London" (where we live). I was terribly shocked and hurt (again) and tried to put it out of my mind and thought it must just be a fantasy - 'window shopping'.

And then yesterday I thought I might just had a quick look at what he was googling on his blackberry (I know this is wrong, but I was made such fool of before...I had resisted looking since the last time). And lo and behold he has googled for escorts again, only this time near his work. And he has just started a new thing of going swimming near his office. And he gets paid a few hundred pounds a month in cash, but I don't know how much or when.

I should tell you, it's such a joke - my dh comes across as the most decent, honest, likeable family man (and he is indeed a great dad) - he's a professional - a lawyer.

My questions are - do you think this is just a fantasy for him (in which case I don;t care) or do you think the evidence now is probably seeing these girls? Is this normal behaviour? Is this something that lots of women just have to put up with? How can I stop him doing it without wrecking the marriage (I would do almost anything and put up with almost anything not to do this because of the kids - ds 8, dd 5). And I do still love the man. If I confront him I don;t have proper proof so he will deny it and also I will have to admit that I look at his phone, which is my only way of working out what he is up to.

I can't believe this has happened to me. I feel so ashamed, angry and rejected. has this sort of thing happened to anyone else?Am I alone?

MrsJellicle

OP posts:

mumblechum · 18/06/2009 21:29

What's your sex life like?

Sorry to be so blunt, but that may give an indication of why he's possibly doing this.

LoulouCapone · 18/06/2009 21:31

Hello,
I haven't been in exactly your situation, but I have been in similar. The only advice I can give you is to trust your instincts.

I understand completely why you checked the phone. I do feel that as he has been confronted with this before, the fact that he is still doing it shows that it has some massive hold over him - whether it's more than he would like you to believe, I don't know, but my gut feeling would be that he's done more than call them. Sorry.

It happened to me a long, long time ago, with an old boyfriend, but I can still remember the acute pain I felt at the time, and sometimes it still haunts me. So I truly sympathise. For me, all the time he knew I wanted it to work, it was like giving him permission to carry on doing it - almost like he knew I'd take him back regardless. When I finally walked away he sat up and took notice - but it was too late.

I wish I had some more practical advice, but I'm sure someone will come along soon who has. x

macdoodle · 18/06/2009 21:31

oh FFS mumblechum you must be kidding me??

GypsyMoth · 18/06/2009 21:33

My thoughts also.....

Original poster

MrsJellicle · 18/06/2009 21:35

Well, I admit that it was pretty feeble before his affair (I was just knackered, with sleepless child and 1 yr old). But post the affair, we have both made an effort and things have been brilliant (well, I thought they were brilliant anyway). Maybe not first throes of a relationship passion (we've been together since we were 19 and we're 37 now) but regular, loving sex. I guess it just wasn't exciting enough.

OP posts:

mumblechum · 18/06/2009 21:35

Oh Ok, I must be wrong, then, maybe all the men who use escorts are in blissfully happy marriages.

Sorry to OP, it's not normal behaviour at all and you need to confront him.

There was a thread just last week about someone in similar circs if you do a quick search.

Original poster

MrsJellicle · 18/06/2009 21:38

Thank you Lou LouCapone - I really really desperately want to believe he hasn't gone further but the evidence just seems to be stacking up.

OP posts:

motherinferior · 18/06/2009 21:38

'Is this normal behaviour? Is this something lots of women have to put up with?'

Well yes, statistically a lot of men do use the services of prostitutes. And many of those are married.

However, I'd bet the farm that none of the three men I've lived with have done so, and I'd find it untenable if they did.

Original poster

MrsJellicle · 18/06/2009 21:39

I will have look to see if it helps.

OP posts:

MaggieBeau · 18/06/2009 21:39

There is this idea out there that women have to make so much effort to keep a man, and that they have failed as a sex kitten if he strays. You never auditioned for the role of his sex kitten. He married you because he loves you and respects you and values your companionship, right?

If your sex life isn't fit to be filmed for a pay per view channel, that doesn't mean that you've failed. It means he's weak. He's selfish. He isn't thinking about your feelings. He's failed you.

There was a similar thread to this earlier. The woman's husband blamed her for not paying him enough attention and not loving him enough, so he signed up for a month to a meet sexual partners website.

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 18/06/2009 21:40

Many men who use the services of escorts describe themselves as happily married, and with no wish to hurt their wives. Which is why they see professionals rather than have (possibly messy, emotional) affairs. Could this apply to MrJellicle?

jeminthedark · 18/06/2009 21:40

If you are not ready to ask him outright, would you want to try checking a bit further?

I feel so for you. must be awful to have to contemplate this.
Please post your thoughts on what you may do next.

I think you should trust your instint though. Why would he even googe escort agancies in the first place?

And it doesn't matter what your sex life is like

MaggieBeau · 18/06/2009 21:44

have a look at this thread. You're not alone it seems.. good advice given until the last post imo

here

Original poster

MrsJellicle · 18/06/2009 21:51

OldLadyKnowsSomething - I think that's probably right about not wanting messay affairs - he's tried that already and it blew up in his face when I found out. he probably does think that this is a way of having his cake and eating it without as much risk. I don't think he does actually want to hurt me.

Jeminthedark - I think I do want to get a bit more evidence if I can. I think I will check his phone history for the no of the girl he googled (I wrote it down).

It is awful - I love him and I love the life we have made together and I hate the fact that he is jeopardising it.

I know that if I were advising a friend in this situation, I would be telling her to get the hell out. But from the inside and seeing that everything is shades of grey and not black and white, I am desperate to stay and make this a good marriage.

OP posts:

MaggieBeau · 18/06/2009 22:01

If other people knew, could you stay?

If it's just your secret?

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 18/06/2009 22:04

He's not likely to give up, I'm afraid. Could you live with that knowledge? The suspicion every time he goes "swimming"? (He will, afterwards, so he doesn't smell of the escort.)

Original poster

MrsJellicle · 18/06/2009 22:05

No if other people knew, I don't think I could stay - I would be too humiliated.

But then I say that, and the thought of actually breaking up our family is so horrific to me that I am not sure I would go even then. Dh probably knows that. I have played myself into such a weak position.

OP posts:

SolidGoldBrass · 18/06/2009 22:15

Well you actually have to ask yourself if you can accept his occasional use of escorts as part of the deal that is your marriage (this is not to say by any means that 'all' men do this or that 'all' women should accept it: people vary and so do relationships).
If you are prepared to accept him visiting escorts, then you probably need to tell him that you know he's doing it and that you will accept it on condition that he uses a condom every time and has regular check ups at a GUI clinic if he wants to carry on having sex with you (and you could and probably should also assert your right to have sex with other people should the mood take you...)
If you can't accept it you need to end the marriage, because he isn;t going to stop. He doesn;t want to stop.

hf128219 · 18/06/2009 22:19

Perhaps in this credit crunch time he was looking for a Ford Escort? Worth a thought.

MaggieBeau · 18/06/2009 22:28

That's telling - that you would be unable to stay if other people knew.

A woman can carry on maintaining a facade for only so long. Eventually, the weight of that facade will exhaust her, and she will longer feel really a part of the life she dreads losing. She might feel increasingly disconnected from her friends, neighbours and acquaintances, who have no clue what her real worries and anxieties are.

Think about what you want most. To be happy? or to appear to be happy?

mrsboogie · 18/06/2009 23:02

Why do women in these situations always say they can't bear the thought of breaking up the family??

I'm sorry OP but your skanky lying husband is the one who is risking breaking up the family by cold heartedly laying plans to have sex with prostitutes while telling you he is going swimming.

The evidence is in front of you - do what you wish with it but for God's sake place the blame for the damage this will do where it rightly belongs. What he is doing is illegal and these brothels get raided by the police on a regular basis - if he gets caught in a raid your willingness to sacrifice your own self respect and happiness to maintain the appearance of a normal happy family may not be enough to protect him.

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 18/06/2009 23:06

What he's doing is not illegal. In the unlikely event that he does get caught up in a brothel raid (running a brothel is illegal, working as a prostitute in one is not, and neither is being a customer) the police may take his contact details as a witness, nothing more.

LovingtheSilverFox · 18/06/2009 23:29

If you put the situation to your H that you can have casual no strings attached sex when it suits you, would he agree (and no he can't watch).

If he says no, and you are confident that he is actually having sex with these women then sling his hairy arse out onto the street.

Some men seem to think that they can and its ok, the only way they start to appreciate that it isn't ok is when you reverse the situation.

MrsLemon · 18/06/2009 23:34

Hi I am so sorry you are going through this. My husband did not use escorts (he is too tight with his money to pay) but used what I would class as FREE escorts. For 4 years he had himself set up with a false alias on lots of social and dating sites. The women he met were not looking for any type of relationship it was all purely for sex.

When I first suspected (mobile fone behaviour and text evidence) I guessed it was an affair. The next few weeks digging etc opend me up to the grim reality of what he had been upto.

I wont bore you with the ins and outs of it all, but basically IMO the best thing you can do is to NOT alert him to the fact you suspect anything at this stage. Its hard I know, but once he suspects you know anything - finding anything more out (IF there is more) will become harder and more difficult. Keep a cool head. I kept a book and small pocket diary in my undies drawer. I noted dates times and phone numbers and anything that made me remotely suspicious. After a few weeks patterns arose etc etc. Bit by bit certain bits came together. It was a horrible few weeks. I was wracked with guilt checking pockets, the car, bank account transactions etc etc.

Anyway - my children are 11 and 9. I SOOOO know where you are coming from when you say you're scared to split the family etc. I also can empathise with the feelings of shame and embarrassment if others knew/find out. Most of all I am know only too well that despite before all this happening, being adament I would not tolerate such behaviour and leave, I am still here. Nothing is just black and white. Over the last 18 months I have come to realise I am stuck in the grey zone!

I am sorry for waffling - I did not intend to bore you with - all about me - LOL! I just wanted you to know that you're not alone. Sadly there are lots of us that have been through something so similar to what you're feeling and experiencing now!

I really hope you find nothing on your husband because he is merely window shopping and there is nothing sinister to discover. Good luck and lots of hugs to you. Keep your chin up and us Mumsnetters will be happy to listen and advise as much as we can.

MaggieBeau · 19/06/2009 09:18

Mrsboogie, totally agree with this statement

Why do women in these situations always say they can't bear the thought of breaking up the family??

My family is a real family of three now. Happy, kids flourishing, happy mother, we have plans, we are happy, and fuck it excuse my french,it is only NOW that we are a family. We were people who lived under the same roof before I left their dad.

MrsLemon, window shopping is bad enough. I do understand the greyzone, because I stayed in a greyzone myself for years... xh was physically and emotionally abusive, but that was my secret. That's why I asked the op if she wanted to be happy, or to appear to be happy. AFter two years in the greyzone (more than two really) I made the right choice. But only made that right choice eventually because people help jolt me out of my 'made your bed and lie in it' half life limbo mindset that I was busy rotting in.

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