My dh and escort agencies

[MrsJellicle]

Hello

I;ve never posted before, but I would really appreciate some advice...

My dh had an affair about 4 years ago. At that time, in an effort to find out what sort of man I had married, I snooped around, and found he had also been googling escort agencies. He admitted ringing them up but said he had never actually done anything.

I am pretty sure that the affair is over although he still works with the OW (she is his assistant). I didn't ever tell anyone about it - I knew I couldn't because I wanted to repair the relationship and knew telling people would jeopardise this, even though I desperately needed some support and still do really. I won't bore you with the details, but the pain of the discovery and the ongoing process of recovery has been excruciating - almost physical.

A year ago I happened to be messing about with his phone in the car to try to set up a bluetooth connection with our satnav and stumbled across his search for "escorts in SW London" (where we live). I was terribly shocked and hurt (again) and tried to put it out of my mind and thought it must just be a fantasy - 'window shopping'.

And then yesterday I thought I might just had a quick look at what he was googling on his blackberry (I know this is wrong, but I was made such fool of before...I had resisted looking since the last time). And lo and behold he has googled for escorts again, only this time near his work. And he has just started a new thing of going swimming near his office. And he gets paid a few hundred pounds a month in cash, but I don't know how much or when.

I should tell you, it's such a joke - my dh comes across as the most decent, honest, likeable family man (and he is indeed a great dad) - he's a professional - a lawyer.

My questions are - do you think this is just a fantasy for him (in which case I don;t care) or do you think the evidence now is probably seeing these girls? Is this normal behaviour? Is this something that lots of women just have to put up with? How can I stop him doing it without wrecking the marriage (I would do almost anything and put up with almost anything not to do this because of the kids - ds 8, dd 5). And I do still love the man. If I confront him I don;t have proper proof so he will deny it and also I will have to admit that I look at his phone, which is my only way of working out what he is up to.

I can't believe this has happened to me. I feel so ashamed, angry and rejected. has this sort of thing happened to anyone else?Am I alone?

MrsJellicle

Thank you to everyone for their thoughts and support - it has been such a relief to actually express all this.

MaggieBeau - I am so glad you are a happy family now and that you made the right choice. It is very inspiring - I am so caught up with the fear of the unknown (I have been with my dh for 19 years) that it is difficult for me to imagine anything different.

I felt such a shock of recognition when you wrote about the exhaustion of dealing with this sort of thing. I do feel exhausted. I feel tired from sewing all the horrible things about the affair (and living with the fact that he still spends 12 hours a day with the OW!) tightly up into my heart and it really hurts! And now there is this escort thing.

The thing you said about getting alienated from your friends is also absolutely true - I had just not properly realised it. Lots of my good friends moved away from London in the last few years and I do think to myself, shall I ring them for a chat and they say 'how are you' and I say 'oh fine - life's great, dh is great' it is all so fake that in the end I can't be bothered. MaggieBeau - it just seems amazing to me that you know all this!

Mrs Lemon - we do seem to be in a very similar situation and I am thinking of you and sending you lots of good wishes. I am so sorry you have had to go through all that - the discovery is just awful. One moment you think you are living with a lovely, decent man and the next, you realise it is not quite like that and your world is turned upside down and you are suddenly plunged into some kind of seedy, shameful place. Can I ask what happened when you confronted your dh with your evidence?

I am going to take your advice and seek out the proof like I did before with the affair (he lied to me when I first confronted him about that - told me it was a one off kiss with a stranger - not a long standing sexual affair with a colleague. But I found him out after several weeks.) I need proper proof.

And if I do find proof, I will then decide whether I will strike a deal (greyzone living but more in my control) or just get out with the kids. But I'm not sure I can carry on like this without long term consequences - I already feel that I am turning bitter and disillusioned. And I find it increasingly hard to believe in the fairy tale of a man who is loving, faithful and true. And I don't want my bitterness and cynicism to rub off on my children.

Oh yes - and I wanted to say - I would be absolutely delighted if I discovered that my dh was looking for a Ford Escort .

Unfortunately, the evidence suggests otherwise!

MrsJellicle, hope I didn't come across as too smug in my bravery that I left. I'm not trying to make you feel bad that you are contemplating managing more life in the grey zone rather than just leaving.

I only understand because I wasn't brave. I kept up the facade for years. I thought I could focus on what was good about my life and try to ignore my relationship. We lived in a lovely house, on a lovely road, had lovely neighbours, friends, nice town .. So I kept up the facade until I realised that I was so utterly and totally exhausted by the effort it took, and so completely disconnected from my friends and neighbours that it was NOT actually my life anyway.

Hope this makes sense. I left not a second before it was obvious that a life away would be better, no matter how scary that was. The grey zone period, while I was writing lists about whether to go or stay, I wasn't brave enough then. But I guess somebody else who was a bit braver than me might be able to fast forward through a couple of years of grey zone!

MrsJellicle- I am very sorry to hear that you are having a hard time with this.

Another option to consider [and it may not suit you]: not to worry looking for evidence but to say to him that you are fairly positive that he has been in touch with "escorts" and that you are giving him a chance to me his ways OR that if he is, then you are withdrawing is right to sexual exclusivity with him. Some men are very happy to have their cake and eat it but some of these same men would go mental if DW had a snog with other bloke. Perhaps he feels that he can take you for granted and needs a little jolt.

Some other good advice above but main thing that I would say is not to worry about appearances and do what you want whether that is leaving him or having some sort of open marriage.

best wishes

I once worked as a madame in a brothel. Clients are not ugly, minging blokes who can't get a girl.

If you're still having sex with your husband, please, please, please use condoms!

I think you have to tell him you have seen in his phone he has been searching for escorts again and what is going on. Tell him you won't stand for anynore lies. You don't have to mean it, just use it as a way of finding out.

And no, women don't have to put up with any bad behaviour at all from their husbands/boyfriends.

"Oh Ok, I must be wrong, then, maybe all the men who use escorts are in blissfully happy marriages."

well yes actually. Being in a happy relationship doesn't stop a fella fancying a bit on the side.

Know this must have moved on somewhat, but that is a major fallacy.

I read something fantastic the other day which really hit the nail on the head about why men go to prostitutes.

That primerily they are not paying for sex with a women - they are paying to have sex with a woman who will then go away.

Yeah MonkeyTrousers, A bit like that old joke where the perfect woman will turn into a pizza and a pint after sex.

Not helpful to the op.

One thought,how will it reflect on his law firm if it was known that one of their lawyers were visiting prostitutes near work regularly? Is he a partner?

Bear in mind that you have nothing to be ashamed of? How will it not humiliate him that he lost his family because he is addicted to hookers?

Good lord it is turning in to an episode of mad men...

I think you need to confront him TBH

I would think hard about it. I think many wives of successful, well paid men turn a blind eye to these kinds of things - or just don't look in the first place.

You need to know what you can live with or not before you talk to him and ask him to be honest. If he thinks you are going to leave, he will lie.

No, I dont think it will matter a jot if his firm knows about this. Partner or otherwise.

Unfortunately, this kind of thing is quite common in certain circles. I have first hand knowledge of this.

Escorts, lap dances are (or were) part of client entertaining for some.

Thankfully, DH doesnt go along with all this.

although survey proved that, so call escorts or high class pros can spice up your relationship, but sometimes these can lead to addiction and losing money . specialy in here www.soulmateescorts.com london escorts cost fortune.