Should I report my H?

[wonderswhy]

For the past year and a bit my H has continued to see a woman who he knows through job circles. I did see a very flirty email (I'm x chinese star sign, you're xx, we would be perfect together...you have amazing eyes, can we meet for lunch, tea, dinner, to discuss my charity, etc)

She calls him nicknames, signs off with kisses, writes pages full of stuff, invites him to glam events....and knows about me but carries on regardless.

Well, we moved continents (!) twice and had a baby. She is now living in the same country as we do, got here about 2 mths after us, despite it not being the capital and not as good for her alleged fundraising as it's more into tourism.

It's a muslim country in which sharia law applies. I've name changed, I'm embarassed and the expat community here is small.

Today I found out that she took my husband painting and about 3 months ago I found out they went for lunch in London. Both times he kept it from me. Yesterday I found a receipt of the painting with HER name in MY address!!!

I can't sleep, I smashed two pictures in the house, backed the car into a pillar because I was too distraught to drive and had a stinking row with my H.

Well, I did ring HER, introduced myself and said: Stay away from my husband or you'll be fucking sorry. Then I hung up.

She then sent an email to him that I was threatening to kill her. Also send me texts that insinuate that my H wouldn't have the job that he has without her introductions and she's a close friend who is there for him. I then texted her she's a psycho and a liar and to leave us alone.

Background: She's told people she was tortured on a relief mission in Afghanistan and then a bit later that she has cancer, none of which are true.

Please, MN, what should I do? Sue her for slander? Report them to local police for adultery and watch them losing their visas? I'm just so upset. Also, the summer break is coming, I'm leaving town while my H stays behind.

perfectly put, dollius

I'm sorry OP, you need to sort out your twat of a husband

Oh yes, I am frothing at the mouth, I really am, dizietsma. I hate the fact that he's whoring himself out like that for a circle of people to meet who are not friends, never put their money where their mouths are (oooh, yeah, I'll totally invest in that project, can i have another champers hun). Bleurgh.

I just have to leave on Sunday. I cannot stay, I really, really, really have to see my dd. I know it's really unwise to risk it and leave him but every time I speak to dd on the phone and sing to her my parents tell me she looks to the door and has been crying at night, inconsolable until they pick her up and she refuses to sleep alone. I feel so torn and giulty but when it's all said and done...and I never thought I'd say this, but- I love my dd more and I will not ditch her to be with my H who as dollius rightly said gives a flying fuck about my wishes.

We have had a chat, but I somehow feel very hollow and as I said, he's lied 3x, we've had that chat twice before but she always comes back up and he always lies again. I'm really at the end of my tether. He keeps saying that :Oh after what you said to her she won't be coming back. Blah blah.

Well, she always has done and she clearly doesn't respect our marriage and me in particular. So, yes, we're back to square 1 and I'm still so upset that she keeps coming at him and he keeps saying, Oh it's business.

It's NOT, every time it was business she turned it into a date: an invite to a gala dinner, a concert, a painting session, getting stuff for his niece and nephew, ...

I can fulfill every wish that he has but as soon as my back is turned she's back in there to fill out my boots. And he says, oh, but you weren't there. I didn't want to be alone or it was a group invite but no one else turned up/stayed that late.

It seems so silly to throw away my marriage over this issue. Just what she's waiting for, huh? But I cannot find a solution and I am going mad.

I don't think he'd do anything with her (sexually) but isn't it bad enough when no one in these city circles and abroad knows my face or that I even exist because at most high profile things she is at his side???

Hurt ego? Hell yes. And I don't know what else to say. Agree that I have to keep my trap shut in public or I'll dig myself into a hole.

Yes, it's always good to use the inadequate and unjust judicial system to seek resolve for a situation.

Just tell your H it's her friendship or his marriage, his choice. It doesn't matter whether it's reasonable or rational, just tell him.

Posie, I think I did labour the point that I was seeing red and not thinking coherently. It would be nice to be able to use the system to get this nutter out of my life.

However, you seem to be right re the latter, I can't see any other way forward than giving him exactly that choice.

I'm not saying that I wouldn't think the same, but I am so opposed to the muslim judicial systems that I am familiar with I couldn't even visit a muslim country let alone use the system to my advantage!

My DH was too friendly with a young flirtatious, hey I'm cool going to lap dancing bars, try hard, wannabe popstar, touchy feely, let me answer your phone even though it's your wife, yes and your mobile, etc etc, woman at work. I did the same and he dumped her in a heart beat, even moved her onto a different project. But this (your H's)woman has moved around the world, she must think she's going to get something in return.

Fair enough, I understand that.

Answer the phone to you???
Yes, I cannot say how much him being here has influenced her decision to come into region but this city, oh yes, definitely.

It's all under the cloak of charity fund raising remember? And this seems to be the only region which still has dosh to spend.

I hate seeing him lose prospective intros and business but this has gone to far and the social stuff is out of control. I will put my foot down. I just don't know what to do Posie if I catch him lying about interactions AGAIN.

posie has just made the only really resonating point...this woman is angling for something in return for her contacts.

this needs to be pointed out to your dh.

also please pooint out that you have moved to two different continents with him for his work. you are being very acomodating.

i would ask him to stop seeing her. If she doesn't i think i would move back to England

It's all about what you're willing to do. I find it hard to believe that she is so important to his career, a little convenient.

If I were in your shoes I would have a serious think about how to tell him that this is a deal breaker and she has to go. Afterall marriage is about compromise and there is no place for lying. Work out what you are prepared to do if he doesn't comply. Would you really leave?

Yes custie, I know, I feel like I have lead in my stomach. I rub your back, you rub...sort of thing. All under the cloak of saving the earth from collapsing while gorging on moet and oysters and what a goody two-shoes she is.

Or maybe I'm just jealous because (HER quote): I haven't found any meaningful and satisfying occupation that fulfills me.
She really texted me that in response to my stay away 10 second call.

Well, excuse me, but I'm raising a human being and though I may not be as glam as I was 2 years ago as one of the youngest director in a hedge fund, I still am pretty fulfilled if it wasn't for her schemings. The audacity. Grumble.

Oh, make no mistake, I will deffo be leaving if this continues. I just have 24h to get my point across and I will not go without a word to my H.) My parents are still healthy and happy to look after dd until she's old enough for kindergarten and I would call my previous employer and any contacts in the market. The only reason why I don't work is because we've moved 2x so H can keep climbing and because I refuse to give dd to a local creche because they are awful and I have no family or support network here. Just so that I can impress some vacant idiots.

You are totally entitled to ask him to stop seeing this woman. I would.

But you must remember that she is the side issue here. Your DH's attitude towards you and your dd stinks.

'oh you weren't here so I simply HAD to go to the gala with her' is utter blackmail.

He doesn't want your attention diverted away from him and your dd is suffering because of it.

You must be in agony to be so far away from your eight-month-old baby. Forget about your DH, go and tend to her needs. She's what matters now.