Should I report my H?

[wonderswhy]

For the past year and a bit my H has continued to see a woman who he knows through job circles. I did see a very flirty email (I'm x chinese star sign, you're xx, we would be perfect together...you have amazing eyes, can we meet for lunch, tea, dinner, to discuss my charity, etc)

She calls him nicknames, signs off with kisses, writes pages full of stuff, invites him to glam events....and knows about me but carries on regardless.

Well, we moved continents (!) twice and had a baby. She is now living in the same country as we do, got here about 2 mths after us, despite it not being the capital and not as good for her alleged fundraising as it's more into tourism.

It's a muslim country in which sharia law applies. I've name changed, I'm embarassed and the expat community here is small.

Today I found out that she took my husband painting and about 3 months ago I found out they went for lunch in London. Both times he kept it from me. Yesterday I found a receipt of the painting with HER name in MY address!!!

I can't sleep, I smashed two pictures in the house, backed the car into a pillar because I was too distraught to drive and had a stinking row with my H.

Well, I did ring HER, introduced myself and said: Stay away from my husband or you'll be fucking sorry. Then I hung up.

She then sent an email to him that I was threatening to kill her. Also send me texts that insinuate that my H wouldn't have the job that he has without her introductions and she's a close friend who is there for him. I then texted her she's a psycho and a liar and to leave us alone.

Background: She's told people she was tortured on a relief mission in Afghanistan and then a bit later that she has cancer, none of which are true.

Please, MN, what should I do? Sue her for slander? Report them to local police for adultery and watch them losing their visas? I'm just so upset. Also, the summer break is coming, I'm leaving town while my H stays behind.

How do you know she doesn't have cancer or hasn't in the past?

As for my husband - well he has female friends and many, many female colleagues. I don't go around seeing adultery behind every dustbin!

Your husband has a kooky and affectionate friend who obviously likes the attention and I'm sure has all sorts of weird stuff going on but that doesn't mean she's after your man.

As I said before the problem here is actually with YOU and HIM not HIM and HER. That's not what you want to hear though is it?

Well, yes, your H's behaviour does sound a bit worrisome. I would focus on that. There will always be crazy/weird people out there. But it does sound like he encourages her, at least a bit - why? What does he get from this?

I don't think it sounds like he's about to sleep with her, do people really sleep with people because they've been worn out by compulsive lying and serial weirdness?

This all sounds very odd, from all sides.

OP you really need to talk to your DH very clearly. Whether it is innocent or not, this can't carry on, you will all be driven mad.

NL, I do think the possible OW is pushing it and not just a bit kooky and affectionate. I would be very disturbed on all sorts of levels if a woman who invited my DH to a lot of functions without me, then emailed him to say they would be great together and his dead mother wanted them to be together, and think most people would.

It's one thing trusting your husband with female friends who behave as friends, and another feeling humiliated by his allowing her to be ott with her affections even when you know nothing is going on.

Yes, nik, you are right. And NL has a point as well as I acknowledged before. I'm behaving as if I'm the one who's mad.

A relative of my H's was in that exact area she specified at the time of it allegedly happening and there were no enemy forces nor any dimplomat movements as she alleged. He wouldn't tell us more but my H pressed for these scraps.

But NL, this is the first time and the only person who has weirded me out with her consistently odd and clingy behaviour towards him. Her intrusion into our private life is unwelcome and the fact that she ignores it and cannot keep things professional but always brings flirtation with my H into the mix isn't okay. Would you be fine if a woman would constantly ask your H to attend functions with her and happen to just be in the town you are (we travel a lot) and suggest lunch/dinner/coffee bu t demand it's only the 2 of them?

Would you not be freaked out by her feigning a serious illness and saying she is a medium to my H's dead mother? She never had cancer, none of her long-standing businss associates and close friends ever heard about it. They were all a bit

I think poppity, it's the level at which she has ramped it up since she moved here.

But as others said, she may well try, but it's my H that I feel let down by for 'entertaining' her whims, shall I say. And the fact that he repeatedly kept it from me.

I really think I have to calm it though, as NL said, I don't make the sanest of impressions being livid like that.

I don't have any good advice for you, really, but I just wanted to say I am really sorry for you as it sounds intolerable, made even worse by being away from your daughter and home.

You've got to get your husband to put you first and redraw the boundaries with her - but I don't know how. Good luck, and I think don't do anything rash as you need to come across as rational even if you don't feel it.

I don't have any good advice for you, really, but I just wanted to say I am really sorry for you as it sounds intolerable, made even worse by being away from your daughter and home.

You've got to get your husband to put you first and redraw the boundaries with her - but I don't know how. Good luck, and I think don't do anything rash as you need to come across as rational even if you don't feel it.

I think that yes, this woman seems, at the very least, slightly unhinged.
I've known someone who used to tell all weird strange lies but they caught up with her every time because she was a terrible liar.

However, I also agree you are going to make yourself look like the crazy one, especially if this woman is clever with her lies. She could easily turn it all around so that you end up looking like the crazy wife of a work colleague who is desperate to 'out' her as some kind of liar, always looking for something to catch her out on, sends her texts/calls her etc so to avoid that you absolutely CANNOT let her get to you.

Speak to your husband, explain again just how much you feel this is (or could) interfering with your marriage. Ask him to stay away from her, or at the very least not go as her 'plus 1' to events!

Agree with Lulumama and MrsMattie. If your DH knows how upset you are over this, he should be prepared to do something about it. You can't let someone dictate your life with veiled reminders about how if it wasn't for her you wouldn't have such a cushy life etc.

Hard though it is, I would stop texting or calling her and the "stay away from my DH" comments. They are not doing you any favours. At the same time though, I can see how mad you are over this. Grrr!!

I don't know if this is a good idea or not but I'd be tempted to meet her with your DH (invite her round for a networking meeting ) and try to embarrass her into leaving you alone. Having an very calm, honest and serious chat about how her communications are inappropriate and not welcome. That her actions are intruding on your personal lives when at the end of the day work should just be work and as much as possible, not interfere in your home lives.

Don't know if that would work or not, just a suggestion. If she wanted to be your friend too then I suppose i could understand her a bit more but also I think she is fuzzing the line where friendship ends and flirting starts. If your DH is not interested, you have nothing to worry about.

DH has to be honest with you too and to do that he has to know that he can tell you stuff without you flying off the handle. Don't let him have the excuse of "oh I didn't tell you because you'd go mad". Have a chat with him and make it clear that he has to tell you everything and in return, you will keep calm and work with him on it.

Think smart with this one and keep your eyes open. She can only act like this if she knows she can get away with it.

Thanks Lady T, I appreciate the support.

Yes VS, exactly that's what I fear. In my anger I've let my mask slip and I shouldn't have done that. I have always had a temper but nothing has really got to me in the last few years. I'm actually quite embarassed, I think I will speak to H on the WE (here Thu/Fri).

Thank you HG, I should have spoken to you before I made that stupid call. You summed up really well how I feel. Yes those reminders really angered me. Maybe she garnered more interest for him but they had already invited him for a chat and liked what he did before she got involved.

Actually H said he was afraid that I'd chop his bollocks off, if I knew they had been out, so yes, the bloody coward was being a..well, coward. I suppose I have to change my way of dealing with her if I want to be included in his decisions re her. No, I don't think he fancies her, but I have let an impulse blind me and raged like a scarecrow . Thanks to all of you for giving advice and showing me a mirror.

If you tell somebody to do something 'or else they'll be fucking sorry' then this is a threat. You have threatened her, and she has the right to say this.

This sounds to me as if it's between you and your DH but rather then face this, you have focused instead on the 'psycho bunny boiler' who 'won't leave you alone'.

This problem begins and ends in your own home. Only you and DH can solve it - please don't make things worse by approaching her directly. If she does have designs on your DH then your melodramatics will only be feeding her ego.

Og god- don't get the sharia law involved.

So she's a bitch who's trying to steal your husband but you don't want the both death do you?

them both dead sorry

Thanks MZ, well saying that she'll be fucking sorry doesn't equate to saying I'll kill you. I totally agree with the issue being closer to home, I just lost my cool because it's a repeat offence from H who has lied again. I have to tackle this.

She is a total psycho though, writing her name down with my address to make out she resides here. That's very single, white, female. Also pitching up in 80% of the towns we travel to and asking for meetings and inviting my H out as a +1 is NOT NORMAL. If you want to befriend a married man that strongly, you should be respectful to the wife IMO. I will tackles this with H though because if he's onside I think her interest will vane. It's the lying which made me so angry.

FWIW, Sharia law doesn't fully apply to foreigners anyway. No stonings, no lashings, just custody and deportation. (Which is bad enough.) I guess I had a red rage moment. Thank God for the virtual world of MN.

MZ, I suspect you are very right re the feeding thing though. I will try to contain myself in the future.

Thanks for all your kind advice ladies.

Being separated from your tiny baby must be very stressful. And it doesn't sound like your DH is being supportive about that either - "I'm no good on my own", sounds a bit like "if you put the baby before me, then I can't be blamed for having an affair."

It is certainly your DH who is the problem here. He is encouraging this woman to behave in such an inappropriate way, which is humiliating for you.

I would say that if he is not prepared to do something about this, then you might as well go home - you can't continue your relationship like this, can you?

You need to be putting the baby first anyway.

FWIW lots of babies are brought up in hot countries - could you really not have your baby with you?

Any messages about her behaviour being inappropriate should really come directly (and only) from your husband.

Hope your chat goes well wonderswhy, it sounds as if you're DH may be one of those who is an anything for a quiet life type. As she seems to be rather 'forward' he has probably just been passive and allowed her to walk all over him(and therefore you).

Tell him he needs to grow some bollocks before you can chop them off.

I think it was my fault for reacting that way. I shouldn't have called her and made such an arse out of myself

I will shut up now and discuss this with H who -as you rightfully suspect Dollius- is sort of saying exactly that. Poor me, look at me, all alone, no one to wipe my arse. Can't be blamed if I seek attention elsewhere. He recently had the gall to say I was not fun anymore because I'm always a mummy

Ha, could fill a whole new thread with that. Baby broke out in a rash and we had workers in and out of the house as aircon is just partially working and it was no life indoors in 34 degrees heat. I have crawled all the malls there are, all other friends have already left their husbands to it for the summer. I guess I'm also homesick, I miss the green and my parents house and the hills. I just have more support there IYSWIM.

I see that now NQC, I wish I had handled this differently instead of going for the jugular.

Thanks Poppity, he is a bit of a people pleaser. Wants to be popular, can never say no type. Grr. Will happily deliver the message when I release the electric wires

Yes, I miss bubs, I wanted to say. She stood up yesterday for the first time and I missed it.

SOrt it out privately and do not involve anyone else

OBVSIOUALY

Hokay...

First off, if what you've said about her is true, then I think you have a genuine bunny boiler on your hands. You have my deepest sympathies.

A brochure for a tantric sex retreat? In what universe is it appropriate for a single woman to invite a married man to a tantric sex retreat? On top of all the "Your dead mum wants us to be together" madness, I would be frothing at the mouth at this point too.

Sadly, you have already blown the best way to deal with bunny boilers by calling her and threatening her. It wont be as effective now, but you now need to try to prove yourself to be the calmer, more rational one in this situation. She's clearly a grade A loon, and given enough rope will surely hang herself on it, so wait it out with an public appearance of calm. Anyone asks you about her allegations, laugh it off. Say something like "Oh, she's a funny one, isn't she?" Say nothing negative about her in public.

Behind closed doors, however...

Honestly, if it were me, I'd insist he cease all contact with her. Really, I would. She's trying to poach your husband, she's had a history of poaching husbands, she's clearly bugfuck crazy, he's already lied to you about seeing her and you're about to leave him alone with her... Do you honestly think she wont try anything when you're gone?

Your husband is clearly seduced by the glamour of the parties and people she introduces him to, and perhaps by her attention. But is all that worth putting your relationship on the line for?

At the end of the day, she can trap him in a cupboard, fling all her clothes off and demand he takes her there and then over the mop bucket, but he is the one to say no. It doesn't matter (well, it matters but you know what I mean) what she does. What counts is what your husband does. She cannot force him to betray you. If he does or if he doesn't, be very clear that it will be his choice and not hers.

So it is your husband you need to focus on. Make sure he understands exactly how you feel and what would happen if he made the choice to betray you.

I've been thinking about this and I really feel that your DH is being a bit controlling with his "I'm no good on my own" line.

He's got you separated from your little baby, just so you can give all your attention to him. And he's torturing you with this mad woman to make sure you remember whose needs must be attended to first. He doesn't seem particularly worried about what is best for you or your baby.

I'd be inclined to let him get on with it if that's how he wants to behave, frankly.

Your baby's needs are more important than his now and, really, more important than yours too.

Personally, I too would be asking my DH to cease all contact. But given that he has let this situation develop in the first place, it's clear he's not according too much respect to your wishes anyway.

And the reason she has been so disrespectful towards you is that he's not showing you any respect either, so she knows she can do what she likes.

That says it all really.