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Original poster

I want to find my brother but scared to try

37 replies

lemonice · 11/05/2005 15:51

I haven't seen my brother since my mother's funeral nearly four years ago. He had had some problems and split with his wife and didn't answer phone calls. My sister last saw him about 18 months ago, he was in a state. Just after that he lost his house. My sister tried to find him in the same village just after Christmas last year and was told in the local Post Office that his only home was the pub (no fixed abode sleeping on someone's floor then)but she didn't get to see him. She left letters for him but no one has heard from him.

I am scared that something has or will happen to him and we will never know, but I'm also scared to go to the village and see if he is still there as I don't know what I will find...I want hom to know we love him and want to see him

OP posts:
MeerkatsUnite · 11/05/2005 16:17

Hi Lemonice,

Have you considered using a service such as the Salvation Army?. They can sometimes be helpful in tracking missing people down.

Would also suggest you contact the Missing Person's Helpline as again they may be able to assist. Do you have any knowledge of his ex-wife's whereabouts?. Has he officially been declared as missing?.

I do hope you manage to trace your brother.

Chandra · 11/05/2005 16:19

Do you have any friends in the village that may find out about him in your behalf?

WigWamBam · 11/05/2005 16:20

Missing Persons Helpline

lynny70 · 11/05/2005 16:24

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Original poster
lemonice · 11/05/2005 16:27

He has been tending towards being an alcoholic for years but in the last few years lost home, job, child, family and most probably dignity and self esteem..we don't know anyone there, when my sister tried they know who he is and said would give him the letter but she didn't find him and he hasn't tried to contact her. I just don't know whether to look as he has the right not to see us but am crying writing this..and I know if I did get to find him it would maybe upset him as I would be distraught...

OP posts:
WigWamBam · 11/05/2005 16:28

Salvation Army Family Tracing Service .

Good luck.

Original poster
lemonice · 11/05/2005 16:30

Thanks for those contacts maybe it would be better than going looking as he wouldn't have to see us.. I thought that those organisations wouldn't accept us if we hadn't gone to look for him ourselves (I'm probably not thinking straight)

OP posts:
lynny70 · 11/05/2005 16:33

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Original poster
lemonice · 11/05/2005 16:40

I'm ok (just emotional) and I've filled in the Salvation Army online application. It seems such a big step, it's admitting he's missing and at risk.

OP posts:
lynny70 · 11/05/2005 16:48

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Original poster
lemonice · 11/05/2005 17:01

Lynny have you looked for/found someone? Thanks for the support

OP posts:
elliedragon · 11/05/2005 17:05

We have tried to trace someone through the Salvation Army and it took well over a year before they wrote back to say they couldnt find the person. Also, they have to send a letter to the person to get their permission first and we found out later that the letter doesnt tell them who is looking for them, so your brother wouldnt know it was you trying to trace him. We actually found my dh father by looking it up on the electoral register (found a website which you have to pay to search) and wrote ourselves. Hope this helps.

Original poster
lemonice · 11/05/2005 17:53

He doesn't seem to be on the electoral roll in Herefordshire, but I doubt he would be once he had no home..there seem to be a lot of dodgy looking websites offering tracing services

I feel a bit like history is repeating itself as my Grandma lost touch with her brother and it took about 40 years for her to find him but he reappeared quite successful, I don't think my brother is on the up

OP posts:
lynny70 · 12/05/2005 10:22

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Original poster
lemonice · 12/05/2005 10:40

Hi Lynny

Your family story has moved me.

I think there is some truth in the glib what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, I am lucky in that unlike for you there are no obstacles in theory to our search and can also look back to happy times although my two brothers and I have all suffered depressive type illnesses exacerbated by dad tragically killed when missing brother was 11 and I was 17, it's in the last ten years and especially the last six that we have lost touch more and more and mum's death meant that we didn't have a common person to check up on each other through. Sorry I'm just rambling, my sister rang me last night and told me that my other brother has just had a heart attack and heart surgery but he didn't want us to know I am back to thinking of taking a letter to the post office in the village (very small place) and enclosing a postcard for him to drop in the letter box that he doesn't even have to write - but if he is still there (hard to imagine he would still be welcome on someone's floor)I don't want him to go somewhere else to stop us finding him.

Thanks for posting

OP posts:
lynny70 · 12/05/2005 11:37

Message deleted

lynny70 · 12/05/2005 11:38

Message deleted

Original poster
lemonice · 12/05/2005 11:44

No my other brother just a coincidence to have bad new about him while worrying about the younger one..

Missing brother also bottles things up, he has an idea that life should be perfect at one time he was on an excellent salary, nice wife, two houses, baby daughter and through going on benders lost it all, not quite as simple as that but kind of.

Cheers and good idea for coffee and i should be working a bit harder!!

OP posts:
Chandra · 12/05/2005 11:49

Lemonice, you need to put your fears to the side and actively look for him. You are in a far better possition to find him than any organisation, those organisations are not going to send a person looking for your brother, they will just contact you if he happens to be around. The longer you wait the fewer the chances. It's OK to be afraid of what you can find, but even if at the end of the search you decide it's not a good idea to speak to him directly, at least you will know how he is. You can drop a letter for him at the post office but be sure to check in sometime whether they could hand it to him.
HTH.

Original poster
lemonice · 12/05/2005 11:57

When my sister went (now more than a year ago)the Post Office said they would give her letter to him as he did come in to get benefit I think. But he didn't respond even if he did get the letter, she also sent him a card last Christmas but again no news. I know that we can't leave it because he could leave that place any time and we would have no or little chance of finding him. It is a very small place one shop, one pub and he lived there for several years and did have friends there but to what extent still I don't know. I think he held himself together for my Mum and it's since her death that he slid down utterly.

OP posts:
MeerkatsUnite · 12/05/2005 13:47

In response to Chandra's comments such organisations are widely respected and have much experience in tracing such people, people who have been missing for years in many cases. They do not give up looking and cases remain on file. They painstakingly follow up all leads no matter how small.

It will be ultimately up to your Brother if they find him if he wants to contact you or not. They will not force the issue in this regard.

Would strongly suggest you seek the help of the National Missing Persons Helpline also as they could advise you further.

If its one thing I have learnt from watching such programmes in the past and this week also, it is all too easy to just slip through society's net.

Chandra · 12/05/2005 14:27

I believe that they are very respectful organisations, no doubt of that, BUT as with every organisation, it is not as if they are swimming in a huge amount of resources (either staff or money). Besides that, if the person missing is still likely to be contacted through a local post office, wouldn't it be worth it to try this route before asking other organisations to devote sometime of their already very busy agendas?

MeerkatsUnite · 12/05/2005 15:56

The Post Office route has been tried repeatedly and unfortunately without success hence the suggestions made by others to get outside help in now.

Family members can only do so much with regards to tracing, an outside organisation like NMPH has more resources (albeit without any government founding but at least such organisations are in place) and time to search for the person.

NMPH is very busy but they can help in some areas where for instance the Salvation Army service cannot. They also offer support to the family members left behind to wonder what has become of their loved ones.

Chandra · 12/05/2005 16:01

Appologies, didn't notice anywhere in this thread were it said that the postoffice was unsuccesfful in handing the letters. I only read there were no replies.

Original poster
lemonice · 12/05/2005 16:13

I have just checked on a house price website (link on another thread) and his house was sold last on 29 June 2004, but I believe he moved out at least a few months previously - I am going to go to the PO as soon as I can, it's a 1.5 hour journey so not too far. I've sent off for the information and forms from Salvation Army and Missing Person Helpline but will think whether I send them back maybe after I've tried the PO myself again.

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