Abusive ex-husband

[ilovetrees]

Have posted on here recently about my ex-husband and am really struggling to deal with him.

He was and still is very abusive and I'm totally exhausted having to cope with his constant crap.

He recently wrote a horrible, accusatory letter to my solicitor - all lies - and she has this week replied to it. This has kicked him off again big time. Last week we agreed on a rota for contact over the summer holidays and now just because he didn't like the solicitor's letter he is saying that he doesn't want to stick to it and will be issuing a contact order followed by a residence order on my ds. I just feel brow beaten by him even 18 months after the split. It is endless and my solicitor says that he's not doing anything bad enough to warrent a non-molestation order. The list is endless and he has tried every trick in the book to hurt me and I don't see an end to it. I've told him that the agreement on the summer holiday rota stays the same but he says he will get a contact order on it.

No expert here, but didn't want your post to be ignored.

You sound exhausted. I hope that others with more experience will be along to offer you practical advice.

How old is your ds?

Ilove - just seen the time and I have to fly out. Hope that others will be along soon.

Thanks NotQuite. DS is 7. Not even sure what I'm asking for, just someone to understand and talk to me. It's the residency order I'm worrying about although in reality there's nothing he can accuse me of. However, knowing this and not being affected by his constant threats are another thing. Just feel sick to my stomach all the time.

How regular is weekly contact?

Also,bear in mind it takes time (and money) to go to court! It can drag on for years. So if he refuses the holiday rota, he won't see his son for a while will he!!

Are you keeping a record of all his threats?

In your shoes I would seriously consider leaving the country, sorry probably not helpful but you shouldn't have to live like this.

Thanks, I am keeping a record of all his threats. He's also trying to infiltrate my friends who he hated when we were together. Can't stop crying. MrsB seriously there have been times when I have thought of disappearing. I know he's not going to stop. Don't know why he hates me so much. He was the one who hit me and messed about with other women.

He is probably doing it because you had the never to leave him.

If it is that bad why don't you go where he can't find you? I would.

He sounds like a total prick, I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

Just stand firm. If he applies, he applies and there's really nothing you can do about it anyway. Calmly and passively tell him "It is your right to pursue a contact order if you wish." Seems to me that he's just enjoying pushing you around, so don't give him the satisfaction of a reaction. It's the only way to prevent him holding this over your head and playing head games with you for the rest you your DS's residency with you. He will use this threat again and again to get his own way and continue abusing you unless you stand your ground.

If you're worried about him getting residency then speak to the solicitor about how to minimize the possibility of him getting meaningful access, perhaps gathering evidence of past abuse and current harassment? Prepare for the worst, ignore his little tantrums and good luck to you.

Oh, and if your solicitor isn't being as helpful as you'd like, please find another one that is more sympathetic. There are good and bad lawyers out there, don't get stuck with an ineffectual one.

OP I am sorry you are going through this. You may find some helpful advice here

Thank you Madame and Dizie. I am now standing my ground and telling him that the contact rota stands and he is welcome to take me to court. He won't get far because of his violent and abusive behaviour (I think). It's just totally exhausting. I've just laid on the sofa all afternoon unable to do anything else. Don't see an end to it because of the personality type he is. He's driven to destroy me because I got away but he's not going to succeed.

Madame, just clicked on your link - this is freaky because this is just what I think is wrong with him. I hadn't come across this site before so will have a good read. Thanks again.

"He's driven to destroy me because I got away but he's not going to succeed."

That's a great attitude! I'm sure it must be exhausting extricating yourself from this asshole, but remember that there will come a tranquil, peaceful day when all this will be a distant memory.

Stay strong (((HUGS)))

I totally understand - its 3 years on wednesday since I found out about my EA XH affair and the long slog started
He sounds very similar to yours - driven to destroy me because I got away
No answers am afraid, I am still fighting the fight 3 years on and I totally understand how exhausting it is - sympathy in bucket loads !

Macdoodle I'm so sorry to hear that. I wouldn't wish a man like that on my worst enemy. What is he still doing to you 3 years later? People don't believe me when I say he'll never stop. They think I'm exaggerating but I guess you know what that's like too.

It's a horrible feeling knowing that there's someone in the world who hates you that much. Do you mind me asking what sort of stuff he did/is doing to you?

How do you cope with it all? Do you have some coping strategies that help you?

I feel for you I really do and thanks for your support.

I was being bullied mercilessly (sp???) by my father. He was writing lunatic letters, phoning, making demands.... I found Womens Aid very helpful. Although I wasn't being beaten black and blue, and there are people who are, it was a great relief to speak to people who believed me. I had started to collect my father's letters, instead of burning them, and I was seriously considering taking out an injunction against him.

Ilove - yes it is so hard to describe to people - some of it sounds so petty but it is so unrelenting ! Luckily me new DP is incredibly understanding and lets me rant at him then supports me unconditionally it really helps

So what does he do - I will try and describe in general terms because describing specific incidents just doesnt seem to convey how very destructive it is!

The main thing is that he isnt always nasty - he can be charming/civil/helpful (this was very typical of our marriage as well) - it so unsettles you and puts you on edge not knowing whether you will get Jekyll or Hyde !

When he is nasty he is very very nasty, verbal and emotional put downs - knowing full well my weak points - name calling - "fat cunt", "selfish mad bitch", "fucking whatever he feels like", "mad lunatic", "unstable", "neglectful, unfit mother"

He still manages to make me doubt myself, I am the abusive mad unreasonable one, he is the poor XH who just wants to see his children

he uses the children and childcare whenever I "have done wrong" - lets me down last minute, but blames it on me, wont tell me when he will have them last minute, expects me to drop things to be back for them, hounds me at work when he is looking after them - this has improves since we went to mediation - it was horrific but we have a agreement and so far he has stuck to it!

Financially, he is trying to bankrupt me - everything is still in joint names (at decree nisi) stage but even after that, we have a business in joint names which we are trying to sell, but he contributes nothing knowing I have to try and keep it afloat as it is secured on my house - he says he doesnt care if we lose anything even though that would make the DC homeless! Oh he gives me no child support and never has!

Professionally, he threatens to report me to my governing body and my practice (I am a GP), have no idea what he thinks he has on me - and my partners are all aware!

There was a bit of physical violence when we were together, mostly pushing, holding down, one hard slap, and quite aggressive sexually - this stopped when my best friend called the police once night (after we were seperated) and he was arrested and cautioned - he knows if he did it again that would be it and he would get a criminal record!

My advice is "ignore ignore ignore", I know that any engagement makes it a 100 times worse especially if I get upset/lose it back - so my mantra is "DO NOT ENGAGE", and I repeat it over and over, some nights he will ring the house and my mobile >10 times saying he wants to talk to the children (well after bedtime) threatening to call the police because he is worried or not come and collect the in the morning - if I just ignore and take the phones off the hook it tends to settle down, if I engage at all it is much worse!

He is I think the same as he always was if not worse (even now he is back with OW, I thought it would get better but it hasnt really), what has changes is the way I handle it, I dont get upset, I dont engage, I tell myself it is not me, and I read my Lundy book like a bible!!

Bizarrely I still feel sorry for him and probably still love him, but my life is so so so much better now!!

It does get better, but you have to be very strong, I am hoping one day he will change - but I have also had thoughts of moving far away and even changing our names!
You are doing so well just keep going its your life now you are in control

I just wanted to add that it does get better, once they know that you mean business. Obviously it takes time after this for them to eventually get their heads round the idea that you are not that person anymore.

I'm 8 years down the line now and I barely even speak to him now, let alone see him. A plus point in my case is that my DC don't like him and have finally seen through the facade and now they don't want to bother. (I always knew at the back of my mind that if I kept my mouth shut about him they would work him out eventually).

I really, really feel for all of you in this situation. It is bloody hard going and reading these posts remind me all too clearly of the nightmare these men can be.

I truly hope you get (eventually) to where I am now. Keep you're strength up and mantra going.

Thanks so much Macdoodle, Plonkety and Ifatfirst. Have rcved a copy of his letter sent to my solicitor and am now having a panic attack and feeling like throwing up. He says I am the one who is and was abusive. When we were together he used to drive me out of my mind with his twisted games and punishments for my "misdemeanours" and "crapness". I admit I went round the bend a few times and shouted and screamed at him in total frustration so I guess you could call this abuse. God I'm so confused now. What if it was me? Oh my God I feel ill. I don't have anything to do with him now but he is constantly attacking me calling me useless, crap, inept about things like forgetting the odd thing occasionally for school. Nothing I did was ever good enough, I was never good enough. Before I met him I never lost my temper like i did when I was with him. Still trying to get back to my old self now. Can't make sense of this weirdness anymore.

ilovetrees, am so for you. Do you have the Lundy Bancroft book? If not, please get it. I didn't buy it until a year down the line after leaving my X, but how I wish I had read it earlier. He describes how abusive men manage to twist things to make you believe that it is you who is being unreasonable and abusive. This is classic behaviour. The fact that you wonder if it is you is nearly always a classic indication that it isn't, as true abusers are almost never able to admit that what they've done is wrong, and if they are it will be someone else's fault for provoking them. Please read it and it will make so much more sense to you and will teach you how to recognise what he's doing and the best way to respond.

Thinking of you and please don't let this vile man make you doubt yourself.

Thanks Optimist. What is the name of the Lundy Bancroft book? Just looked it up on Amazon and there are loads of them.

something like "angry and controlling men, why do they do it"

Yes mine does exactly the same - I admit I do have a temper and yes have retaliated in sheer frustration sometimes - but I am yet to lose my temper with new DP, and we do disagree and get off with each other, but yes we manage to resolve it by talking not screaming, he does NOT put me down or criticise me, he listens and accepts and understands, my friends tell me this is NORMAL behaviour, not something I should be surprised by!
I also find that in the last few months, I seem to be finding my old self again, I am a lot less snappy and irritable with the DC, and cant remember the last time I screamed at DD1 which was becoming an all too frequent occurence when I let XH mess with my head!

It will be ok, you must be strong, do NOT let him twist it, just be calm - my XH did that in mediation, till I thought i was losing my mind, till finally after 3 sessions, he flipped over some minor issues, called me "fucking cunt" and walked out - the mediator looked gobsmacked but part of me was relieved he had shown his true colours, and I managed not to cry (just)!

Why does he doe that? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men - Lundy Brancroft

Power and Control, why charming men can make dangerous lovers - Sandra Horley, also very very good.

Thanks for the book info. Macdoodle I know exactly what you mean. My ex is not one for swearing at me, more putting me down like stupid, idiot, thick crap and his favourite, my "ineptitude for the whole of our married life", ie forgetting the milk occasionally. It's so reassuring to hear that you also lost your temper with your ex. How could you not, he used to get me to the point where I thought I was going to explode then refused to talk to me, which sent me even more crazy. Like you, I still have to watch my temper with my ds and can go off on one but getting better now. Also like you, I do not do the same stuff with new dp. It's like I turned into a crazy person for a while. I have to talk to myself constantly and remember the awful stuff he did and keep in mind that it's him who has had failed careers and employees that hate him - not me.

It's so exhausting having to think about this stuff all the time, constantly questioning myself and feeling sick with worry that I'm the mad one. Does this sound familar?

Peggy thanks. Have just ordered both books.

do you think he really WILL apply for contact and residency?
my exh used to threaten all sorts, and one day the penny finally dropped that actually he probably WONT do any of it, he is just threatening me to keep controlling me.
Agree with macdoodle - dont engage with him. He is still trying to control you, and they try all the tricks in the book to try to worm their way back inside your head. Stick to your guns - if the rota is reasonable, then there is no reason why he should go through the courts.
Also, my counsellor gave me a great line to deliver when he DOES try to engage with me - whatever you do now has got nothing to do with me. Don't rise to the bait, just repeat it and disengage yourself.
So sorry to hear he is still punishing you for leaving him