Abusive ex-husband

[ilovetrees]

Have posted on here recently about my ex-husband and am really struggling to deal with him.

He was and still is very abusive and I'm totally exhausted having to cope with his constant crap.

He recently wrote a horrible, accusatory letter to my solicitor - all lies - and she has this week replied to it. This has kicked him off again big time. Last week we agreed on a rota for contact over the summer holidays and now just because he didn't like the solicitor's letter he is saying that he doesn't want to stick to it and will be issuing a contact order followed by a residence order on my ds. I just feel brow beaten by him even 18 months after the split. It is endless and my solicitor says that he's not doing anything bad enough to warrent a non-molestation order. The list is endless and he has tried every trick in the book to hurt me and I don't see an end to it. I've told him that the agreement on the summer holiday rota stays the same but he says he will get a contact order on it.

Ragged, I'm hoping he wont apply. He has a lot to lose if he does because of the violence and evidence I have on him (texts, letters etc). He has threatened all sorts and not done anything yet but he's really mad now because the solicitor told him a few home truths. I should have listened to my instinct and not let it be sent. So difficult because up to now I've been backing down and not rising to it. The more I don't react the madder he gets. So sorry you've had the same experiences and hope things are better for you now.

He's throwing his dummy out of the pram ILT. It's clear that this letter hit a nerve and he wants to hurt you in revenge. You're doing great by not rising to it, this is just another attempt to get to you. Imagine him a toddler throwing a fit. Mentally put him on the naughty step, IYSWIM.

It probably feels really weird to you because you actually have the power in this situation. You have the evidence of abuse, you have the evidence that would weaken his case to see the kids. He must be raging about it, to have the tables turned on him, but stand firm. You are in control of this now, don't let his empty threats get to you. I know it's more hassle, but if he takes it to court it will (almost certainly) work out in your favour, so let him threaten away.

God this is ALL so strange for me to read as I to am going through a similar thing..... 19 months later and not relenting!!

Just today I found myself crying in sheer frustration as despite court orders, harrassment orders I still get abuse left right and centre.

The only thing that works for me is ignoring him and standing my ground regarding the rules and TRYING not to endlessly hope that one day when he seems 'reasonable' he means it!

Have ordered the book too and would like to thank you all and wish US all the best of luck. xxxxxxx

I can not and I never will understand people who use their children as some sort of pawn in the game of divorce..your ex is a twat, guessing that is why he is your ex

Dizie you're right he is a child but a frightening one. Trying to hold firm but had some thoughts earlier of just caving in because it seems easier. He is on my back whether I back off or go for him. It's all so screwed up in my head.

Ryn I'm so sorry you're going through all that stuff. Why does he not take notice of the harrassment orders etc? What kind of stuff was he doing?

What is wrong with these men? Rhetorical question to which there is no answer.

Everytime I get a letter from him or text I feel like passing out. When I see him I think I'm going to be sick and I cannot look at him at all. If I see a car like his I shudder. Why do I have to live in fear like this? I have no privacy at all because he lets himself into the house and I keep looking for things that have disappeared and I know he has them. Guess what - there's nothing I can do about it as he owns half the house. What happened to human rights?

I'm going to hold firm on the summer rota. He agreed it and he gets a really good deal from it as I am always very accommodating because my ds loves his daddy and that's what's important to me. There is no need to change it because it works - he just wants to make my life unbearable as normal.

how horrible that he has to come in the house... i moved out of joint owned property and initially allowed him in new home to see the dcs; big mistake... now at least it is out of bounds to him.

but now huge headache over the financial situation as he isnt paying all costs of the flat he living in.

definitely get the lundy book and that link was great, espec on the email communication...stick to giving needed resposes only .... but went thru something similar with threats etc over dds birthday in march, lots of "i will take you to court over this!" he is on supervised contact and wanted to see her outside of supervised contact... "i have the right to see her on her birthday".

now other dds birthday in july - and am anxious what he will spring.

i think when i moved in paril 2008 i thought that within six months things would be calmer, sorted, agreed..of course not...now realising it is a long haul...praps six years is more like it!

ILT, the one thing that will NEVER get him off your back is caving in. Then he'll know he can still control you, has power over you. If you stand firm, ride out his harassment and agression it will, eventually subside. I don't know how long it'll take to stop, it'll probably take longer for every time you give in, for every time he realises he still has an effect on you.

Perhaps you could turn off your phone at a certain time each evening? Or get a new phone and use the old one specifically for communication with him? You could inform him that after, say 7pm, the mobile phone and landline will be off. Don't tell him you have a new number. Then use the new phone to stay in contact with everyone else. That way you get a guaranteed hassle free time in which to relax.

Your housing situation is untenable. You need to move out, or change the locks. I imagine there's all sort of issues about the house being tied up in divorce proceedings, but even going to stay with relatives or friends would be preferable to living somewhere where your abuser can saunter in and out at a moments notice. It's no wonder you're so freaked out, I would be too.

ILT, have you called Women's Aid- 0808 2000 247? I think you need to talk this over with a counsellor on the phone and in person. I also think WA would be useful from a legal standpoint, as a way of clarifying ways to keep him out of the house and issues over your kids. You don't have to live this way, you don't deserve this harassment and abuse.

I'm really not very impressed with your lawyer, if he/she hasn't found some way to stop your ex getting free entry into your house after your being abused. You say there has been violence and you have abusive letters and texts, that should be more than enough evidence to get some sort of legal protection. Are you holding them back from taking stronger measures? Or is the lawyer just incompetent?

ilove trees- not meaning to pinch your thread but as you asked my ex was violent with me and took all of my self esteem but worse still, was very strange with my DD (left her on cooker and made me watch at 10 months old, left her on top of washing machine, in bath, swung her over staircase, hit her etc etc etc). After a hot coffee facial from him (threw in my face) which almost hit her I eventually had the courage and made him leave.

It took me ages and a load of counselling to realise it wasnt me it was him. I lost my career as a stockbroker through the stress and was left alone with my DD. When he realised that I wasnt going to cave and take him back then the abuse really started. He has tried to run me off the road, break into my house etc etc but it is always me that is the unreasonable one!

I have always let him see DD but supervised!!! This has been hard as I am the only one that will supervise as he offends everyone else. We are in throws of court case (cost me 10k so far and now no job etc etc but no legal aid as no mortgage on this house but in joint names and he wont sort out finances on purpose). He has had only supervised now for 19 months until he has psycho assessment as judge requested.

My life has moved on, now have wonderful DP and we are 31 weeks pg. Since he found out it is much worse and some days I find myself wondering how much more I can take..... then I get cross with myself as I have come so far and all I have to do is stand firm and see him for the baby he is!!

I just pray that all of his charm does not fool the courts and he doesnt get unsupervised access of DD who is 2 and a half! That will kill me with worry as he will try to control her. He claims to love her but has treated her appaulingly and doesnt pay for her unless i do as i am told!

Phew, sorry, bet you wished you never asked!!!

We are all different and my only words of wisdom are that you need as much support as you can get. Counselling def worked wonders for me! Not for everyone though i guess.

You will be stronger through this, and will find someone wonderful when you least expect it and they WILL restore your faith!

Its a long road, but take each day as it comes and rememeber he is the one that is wrong not you!!! if you ever need reminding of that then speak to one of us before the doubts creep in!

Lots of love xxxx

ps.... re your house he has NO right to be there if he owns half or not! get the locks changed and send him a letter through the solicitor saying that he is harrassing you and should he try to gain access without your consent then you will phone the police!

harsh i know but you cannot live like that! I had to take these measures and must admit it took some guts to do it but has worked eventually. .

Good luck x

What Ryn says

Change the locks, insist on access with consent.

You are in control of this, you can limit his access to your house, so call a locksmith today!

The house issue is actually not that simple, I have exactly the same problem!
I have also had abuse, he has been arrested and cautioned and I have some pretty nasty texts and voicemails, which the police and my solicitor have seen.
I could apply for an injunction to keep him out the house but even then if his name is on the deeds it is very difficult, and there are issues then affecting the DC which is the same problem you have I assume ILT!

Well, I'm pretty sure that if you have evidence of abuse then you can legally stop him entering your home at will. Particularly evidence of physical abuse.

I'd change the locks anyway. If he wants to take it to court to get a key, he can, but it'll take ages for it to go through, cost him money and give you some breathing space in the meantime.

i'd agree with changing the locks and letting him take it to court. it was the reason i moved out - as he was refusing to move ut himself and because of the joint ownership thing would ahve needed injunction etc. but this guy HAS moved out so there is some kind of implicit agreeement there that it is now your home not his.

meantime, trust of lands act means you can apply for sale of property - which could mean he is forced to sell his share to you, and as children involved that would be taken into account.

see link -

Either party can request that jointly owned property is sold and the Court will usually make an Order for sale unless there is an agreement to buy out the other parties share.

www.edwardsduthie.com/index.php?selectedpage=services&content_category_id=3&content_id=108

if you were married this can come about as part of divorce settlement?

Dont know about ILT but my XH would just kick the door down and yes he would get arrested, but it would be traumatic for me and the DC and I would have to pay for a new door !
It is a nightmare - I dont want to move out and TBH financially no way that I can - my intention is for the house to be in my name once the divorce is settled and he knows that !
Sorry for hijack - ILT how are you today??

Well, macdoodle, that is your situation. And you don't know that your ex would do that, you suspect. With the best will in the world, you would think that, you have been abused and are afraid of him. In that situation it must be very difficult to think of your ex as anything other than an omnipotent malign force capable of breaking down all the blocks you put in his way, but the truth is that he is just a man. A horrible, nasty man, but still just a man.

ILT's ex may well not react like yours, and it may buy her some breathing space, I think she need support to find a way to get that, let's try not to get carried away with scary fantasies.

Get them changed! And then get on to police if he makes an appearance. Everyone is entitled to live without aggression. I understand it is scary to make that stand but even if there is a reaction it will be short lived and improve your quality of life. If he kicks off then it just adds to your evidence of his irrational behaviour!

Do it. Please. You will be much happier knowing that when the door is locked then it is up to you who comes and goes.

Macdoodle, I hear you but it wont ever get better otherwise!

I am all with dizietsma on this!

Thanks so much everyone for your support. What some of you describe makes my stuff look insignificant. I would say that my xh is a very clever manipulative man. He rarely swears at me because he knows this will not go well for him with police etc. He does his stuff by undermining me and calling me names like I've already mentioned so over the years, convincing me that I'm "crap mother and wife" and general all round "inept" person. The texts he sends me are accusatory and soul destroying but not overtly threatening so for example, it'll be something like "if you don't do this, then I will do residency order proving that you're an unfit mother/sue you for x amount of money/speak to my legal representative to sort you out once and for all" - all that kind of stuff which is actually terrifying for me. He tries to rule through fear.

The house issue is very difficult. I asked my solicitor for advice and she said that he is entitled in the eyes of the law to come into the house and even take my stuff as long as he could prove that the items he has taken are joint items. I asked her if I could change the locks and she said I couldn't. She said that if I could prove that he was coming into the house on a "regular" basis (whatever that is) then I could do something about it. I can't bear the thought that he's in here touching and going through my stuff and helping himself to whatever he fancies. I feel like I'm being burgled all the time. I hate being in this house so much. It is on the market but he won't put it on at market value so it's not going to be sold. I'm hoping that he will relent on this one shortly because the agent has been in touch with him.

I have to be careful what I write on here which is why I haven't gone into specifics too much because I'm terrified he will come on here and recognise me. He threatened to sue me for defamation of character once when I was looking for advice and support when we split. He seems to know everything I do.

To the outside world, he is a fine, upstanding pillar of the community who wants to get his face in the paper as often as possible etc. It's sickening.

I don't think he'll hit me again because he is in a job that has a zero tolerance on DA and it would not good for his very important "public profile". However, I don't know if anyone else knows what I mean but underneath it all I am very frightened that one day he'll lose it if I really stand up to him and hurt me.

He has asked me, through my solicitor, to retract the contents of her letter to him and if I don't then he'll go for me big time in terms of contact and residency. I can't retract it because it is the truth and he has twisted the truth into half truths and lies until everything's all messed up in my head.

Sorry folks, I'm really on one! So good to get it all down. I have contacted Women's Aid and am waiting for counselling. I have good days and bad ones - bit better today.

Also I have got a separate mobile for him to try and keep him away from my life as much as poss.

Thanks so much for all your advice and support and I'd like to support the others that have come on here with similar stories. There seems to be huge loop hole in the law as far as these issues are concerned.

So great to hear you contacted WA, ILT! Well done, give yourself a great big pat on the back/chocolate biscuit/glass of wine for that

As far as the house goes, I'm pretty sure you could prove he's entering the house on a regular basis, perhaps you could set a webcam up to record all day, pointing at the front door on the hall table or somesuch.

That, and if your neighbours are in during the day you could ask them to keep an eye out for you. Maybe you could check with your solicitor and ask her what constitutes evidence for this?

I really think it's important that you establish some boundaries here and stop him coming in willy nilly, it's just unacceptable for an abused woman to feel her abuser could enter her supposed place of safety at any minute.

I still think you should ignore the solicitor and change the locks. Or speak to a more devious solicitor. Especially as he's got a public image he doesn't want to tarnish, so you know he wont kick up a fuss on your doorstep. Did the solicitor tell you what could happen if you did change the locks? If it's just that he can apply through the courts to get a key, I'd do it. Just as a delaying tactic. Find out, and weigh up the pros and cons.

I guarantee you he wont be able to prove he's paid for most of the stuff he's taking. The onus is on him to prove it, possesion being nine tenths of the law and all.

Perhaps you have lost some of his paperwork like old receipts? You might have accidentally on purpose lost them, so he will have a hard time proving these things belong to him, right? Oh and any other paperwork that might be useful to him too, that probably got lost as well, didn't it?

Also, you might want to keep important/precious docs and belongings at a trusted friend or relatives house until you can be sure he wont be coming back to take your stuff. If there's no-one you feel safe leaving this stuff with, then rent some storage for the belongings and keep the paperwork at work for easy access.

As joint owner aren't you able to force the issue wrt to the price on your property? I'm a renter, so am not really up on these things, but surely you have more rights than his way or the highway?

Seriously, though I think you should find a better lawyer. The more I think about this, the more I realise that a good lawyer should've suggested stuff like this to you already. Find a divorced divorce lawyer. My dad and stepmum are both lawyers, and as you can imagine, did very well from their divorces. Nothing like personal experience to sharpen a professional skill.

If he's worried about his image then all you have to do to avoid a proper blow out when you really stand up to him is to make sure he always meets you in public with witnesses. This is difficult to arrange right now, because you need to sort out the house thing. But when you do, just make sure you're never alone with him, or always within sight of the general public. This public image is a great advantage to you, use it.

I'm glad you're not going to retract the letter, I'm glad you're not backing down on the truth.

Who amongst your friends and family know everything that is happening/ has happened? Have you told them? You need to reach out and get IRL support. Abuse feeds on silence, grows in darkness. Speak out so your burden will be lifted a little, and he will find it much harder to abuse you.

...all of the above AND do you think he would hesistate in changing the locks if shoe was on other foot???? NO WAY! Sod your solicitor. Protect yourself and get the pig locked out! If anything it shows how 'scared' you are of him!

Sorry but it has not put me in a bad light legally at all and I changed them!!! My solicitor said it was a MUST as he had been violent! You have to protect you and your family first, that comes before any stoopid legal laws relating to property ownership!

and it will send a clear message to him that you are not taking it anymore!!

They are all clever (this type of prat) and all try to get you to 'think its you'!! The amount of times I have been accused of being an over anxious mother or post natally depressed is endless... excuses for his appauling behaviour!

It hurts to think that people believe him, but sticks and stones etc etc. I know the truth.... and you know your truth..... and you must know that you have to take all necessary steps to protect yourself emotionally and not just physically and that must start by you knowing that when you are home you are free of him!

Do it and let the solicitors sort it out afterwards... you will not be arrested for changing locks sweetheart xxxx

Thanks Ryn and Dizie - some really good advice. I don't know what stops me from changing the locks - perhaps a misguided desire to stick to the law which doesn't seem to give a shit about me anyway.

Last night I began to feel really weird again and kept going over everything in my head and thinking was it me. When I first started seeing dp I was a bit possessive and a pain in the arse (scared of being hurt and cheated on etc). Everything is fine now and I've backed off and it's all good but it got me thinking, in the light of xh letter, that there's something intrinsically wrong with me. It's driving me crazy. How do I stop these thoughts? So destructive and really upsetting. Don't know if this makes sense to anyone but over the years putting up with his behaviour it's almost like I've become a bit like him only in terms of my awful anger and always having to watch what I was doing. My anger is much better now and I was never like it before I met him. This probably makes no sense at all. Rambling a bit. Off to work in a mo and hope you all have a lovely day x

I realise this thread was in 2009 and it's now 3 years later but I am so glad I read it and found that it is not just me who is going through this.
I left my husband in January after almost 10 years of his controlling, abusive personality. Our son is 5 - it goes without saying I love him more than anything and want the best for him, which includes letting him stay with his dad every 2nd weekend, but I wish I didn't have to have any contact with my ex. I really thought that ending the relationship would end the abuse but it hasn't. I too get sworn at and called horrible names. I am wondering if my ex has a mental illness, or is this just typical of a controlling man?
I do not know what to do next - put up with it in the hope that it will get better or tell him he will have to apply for rights to see our son in a contact centre so that I never have to speak to him or see him again. I am so stressed, upset and confused, I'm not sure what the right course of action is.
I will look up those books now and consider contacting women's aid. I did visit them once before when he threatened to kill me and I had to call the police :-(

You really don't have to put up with the abuse.

Keep contact to email or texts and if necessary handover children at pulic neutral places.
A library might be good. :-)
Or the police station.

A solicitor will advise you about protecting yourself further.

And hugs, btw. Been there too. I still am to a point although ex lives in another country.